14. Party Time!
“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” – Henry David Thoreau
“It’s a bird,it’s a plane, it’s–”
“It’s your father, now come here and give me a hug.” Will wrapped his arms around Diora. “How’s baby?”
“Kicking like mad, having its own party in there, I’m sure.” Diora waddled into the living room, the soft netting of her pink fairy outfit wafting side to side. The fancy wings attached to her back didn’t provide any lightness as she trudged towards a seat.
“Hey, man, all ready for fatherhood?” Will asked a man in a wizard costume, presumably Dumbledore as he wore thin glasses, a long white beard pulled into a ponytail at the front and fancy robes trailing on the floor.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” he replied.
A short caterer approached carrying a tray of drinks which looked like test tubes. “Can I interest you in a glass of champagne, sir?” he asked Will, who lifted a tube and took a sip.
“Thanks.”
“And you, sir?” the caterer-turned-waiter asked Diora’s husband.
“No thanks. Permanent on-call taxi duty for me.” He pointed to Diora and her protruding belly. “Any day now.”
The waiter nodded. “Perhaps you’d like a sparkling mineral water, soft drink, or juice?”
“Lime mineral water please,” he said and the waiter disappeared to the kitchen, returning with two tubes of green-tinged liquid, handing one to Diora also.
“And what would the birthday girl like to drink?” The waiter turned to me.
“Champagne, please.” I regretted my decision as soon as he’d handed me the tube and I’d gulped half of it in one hit. How I was supposed to get through this party without needing the bathroom and an entourage of assistants to help with my underwear I had no idea.
Diora’s husband kissed my cheek and handed me a small gift. Will took it from me and whisked it away to a dedicated gift table, on which sat a vase containing the flowers Selena had sent and an envelope propped against it. I wondered if I’d designed the vase myself. It was unique, shaped like a spiralling splash of water wrapping around the stems. Nice.
“Thanks,” I said with a smile and walked to Diora in the Bliss Garden to give her a motherly hug, which triggered a five-minute talking spree about the three stages of labour and the types of aromatherapy oils she planned on using, along with matching music to maximise the effectiveness of the uterine contractions. I expected her to whip out a remote device like the one I’d used in the meeting and give a PowerPoint presentation, complete with graphs and animations and sound effects, but was saved by the bell.
“Happy birthday to our favourite daughter-in-law!” A woman in a green dress with a large blue beehive hairdo and big fake eyes came through the front door, along with a large man with the same eyes wearing a white T-shirt which was obviously filled out with extra padding around the stomach.
“Doh, I forgot the present!” The man ducked outside and returned moments later with a wrapped gift.
Well, well, well… looked like my parents-in-law were Marge and Homer Simpson. So, The Simpsons were still popular twenty-five years in the future! They hugged me and asked why I wasn’t in fancy dress, so I told them I was the twenty-five-year-old Kelli and they too, like Ryan, thought it was a good idea.
Marge walked through the living room ‘ooh-ing and ah-ing’ at the decorations and her beehive got caught in a string of origami flowers hanging from the ceiling. “Oh dear, what have I done?” She tugged at the string and instead of coming loose from her beehive it came loose from the ceiling. “Oh, I’m terribly sorry,” she said, glancing at Ryan, then at her husband. “I knew I should have come dressed as Madonna.” She continued tugging at the flowers stuck to her beehive but they didn’t budge.
“Leave them in, I think they look good,” Ryan said, snapping a photo of Marge. “Now, you two, over here.” Ryan gestured for Will and me to stand near the Bliss Garden. He took a photo with his e-pad and did the same with Diora and Dumbledore, and my parents-in-law who I’d be calling Marge and Homer until I discovered their real names. Or, I could always call them Mum and Dad. Daughters-in-law often did that, didn’t they?
I wondered what Grant’s parents were like. I knew they were divorced, but apparently still co-owned an investment company and lived in the same street. I was due to meet them tomorrow afternoon on our way to the luxury cabin we’d booked for the weekend. Perfect timing, considering Grant and I would have an announcement to make.
“Can I offer you a drink, sir?” In true Homer fashion, my temporary father-in-law accepted a beer from the waiter and wandered to The Galaxy outside. Marge followed, getting stuck on another flower on the way.
I downed the rest of my champagne as the doorbell rang again. Kasey walked in baring a little too much flesh than was appropriate for someone of her size. She wore a brown dress – or more accurately, piece of fabric – wrapped around her body like a diagonal sash and her hair was messed up on purpose. “Me, cavewoman,” she said gruffly.
“And me, caveman.” A man walked through the door after her, nothing but a brown sash covering his groin and a scruffy fake beard attached to his chin. If he was a scientist, he looked like he spent more time outdoors than in and more time at the gym than the lab. He was toned and buff, he was hot, he was…
Max Sheldon! The underwear model Kasey had a crush on since forever and who would have been joining me at my twenty-fifth birthday party.
Kasey married Max Sheldon? How did she score someone like him? He’d had women falling at his feet, could have any woman in the entire world, yet he chose… my sister?
I lifted my jaw from the floor and welcomed them into the house with a kiss on the cheek, and a lingering embrace for Max, because I wanted to feel if his muscles were as firm as they appeared. They were. “It’s great to see you, Max, you’re looking… very natural.”
He gave a caveman grunt, then laughed. “The outfits were Kasey’s idea and a good one too. Especially considering today’s warm weather.”
Kasey sidled up to her husband. “It’s going to be even warmer tonight,” she whispered, but not soft enough that I couldn’t hear, and Max flashed a cheeky grin and wrapped an arm around her, drawing her in for a kiss.
Crash! My champagne tube fell, the shards of glass reflecting flickers of light from the fairy lights around the room.
“Damn! Sorry,” I said to the nearest caterer, who deftly scooped up the broken glass and extended some kind of mini sucking machine which eliminated the remaining shards.
Kasey approached and leaned into my ear. “Are you okay? You were pretty upset at lunch, is everything all right?”
“Yes, of course. Sorry about that, I’ve had a long day, that’s all.” I pulled a confident smile. “But tonight’s going to be great, isn’t it? And you and Max, wow, I can’t believe…”
Oops.
“Can’t believe what?”
“Can’t believe how… great you both look. Age has been kind to Max, hasn’t it?”
“Hasn’t it ever.” She winked, before discreetly placing a gift on the table.
I explained once again why I was wearing normal, if somewhat old-fashioned, clothes and lifted champagne from the passing tray. Ryan turned up the music volume, which was obviously not his creation as it sounded nice. Relaxed, ambient, cruisy music, but not too relaxed to be doze-worthy. I bopped my head and tapped my toe so I looked to be enjoying myself and gave thanks that if I didn’t know someone’s name I could call them by their fancy dress persona. So long as there weren’t any more surprises a-la The Lizardile.
A kerfuffle of voices burst through the door, as two men entered wearing police officer costumes – okay, for a moment I thought they actually were police officers – and I startled on seeing the figure of a woman in an elaborate ghost costume. Layers upon layers of floaty white tulle covered her whole body except for her face, painted white with grey shadows under her eyes.
“Recovered from your hot flush yet?” the ghost asked.
“Elaine?”
“My costume’s that good, eh? You don’t even recognise your best friend?” She winked.
“It’s fantastic, very spooky.” I nodded, chuckling to myself that she probably dressed as a ghost to avoid wearing a SlimFX Magic Suit like me. Smart woman.
The policemen gave Will a friendly slap on the back then approached me with a hug, which I returned rather pathetically, my arms unable to extend above shoulder height thanks to the restriction of my outfit. A woman entered the house and slid an arm around one of the men, then a familiar-looking woman entered and approached Ryan. She gave him a loud squelchy kiss on both cheeks, which by the look on his face he despised. She wore a soft white halter dress, blond wig and blood-red lipstick, now imprinted onto the small part of Ryan’s cheeks that were visible through his mask. She was obviously Marilyn Monroe and I recognised her as the woman from the lift that had spoken to me on my way to the KC Interiors meeting.
“Regina, long time no see, huh?” Will’s voice held a tinge of sarcasm.
“Yet I’ve missed you so much.” She repeated her kissing fest on Will’s cheeks, before she sidled up to the two men that entered earlier. “And who are these gorgeous beings?” she asked them, holding out her hand. By the looks on their faces, they didn’t know whether she expected them to kiss her hand or shake it, but on grasping her hand, Regina pulled one of the men in close and kissed him on the cheeks too, the red lipstick right at home on his flushed face.
“Kelli, honey.” Regina kissed me too. “Sorry I didn’t stop to chat earlier today, but I knew you had that important meeting. How’d it go?”
“It was… interesting,” I replied. “I think it went well.”
“And don’t you look ravishing tonight? Your dress, what a lovely vintage piece.” She placed her fingers on the shoulder strap.
Vintage? This was new season Vera Wang!
“Now who is that gorgeous guy I had the pleasure of embarrassing?” She pointed to one of the fake policemen. “I only got his name… Steven. But how are you two connected?”
“Um… well, ah…” How the heck should I know?
Will came over and propped an arm around each of us. “I hear you’ve been flirting with my little brother, Regina?”
“Steven’s my brother-in-law.” I nodded as if I’d known this all along. Phew! Thanks, Will.
“And the other one?”
“That’s my older brother, John,” Will replied. “And,” he emphasised, “that woman next to him is his wife.”
“I see, well I won’t bother with him then, unless… would you say their marriage is strong? Or is it on the rocks, even just a little?” She pinched her thumb and forefinger together in the air.
“Don’t even think about it.” Will wagged a finger at Regina and as a waiter held a tray in front of her, she swiftly took a glass and tipped her head back.
More people filtered into the house, dressed in various costumes ranging from cowboys to clowns. No one had thought about coming as their younger self and I felt quite proud to be the stand-out among a crowd of people looking like idiots.
“Kelli, happy birthday!” said a woman about thirty or so, swathed in a Cleopatra garment and with long black hair that actually appeared real. “So what did you think of Maurice’s proposal on Monday? I mean, what did you really think?”
Huh?
Maurice. Proposal. Okay, I could wing this.
“Well, I thought it was… sweet.”
“Sweet?”
“Yeah, sweet. Didn’t you? Proposals are always sweet.”
She narrowed her eyebrows and tilted her head. “I’ve never thought of them that way, but I guess, they could kinda be seen as sweet. Considering they’re trying to win you over.”
“Of course.”
“So are you going to say yes?” she asked.
I almost dropped my champagne tube again. “What? Me?”
“Well the decision rests with you of course. You are the creative director.”
Ohhh, right. A business proposal. Not a marriage proposal. Duh, Kelli! I cleared my throat. “I’ll, ah, have to discuss it with Will and have a long hard think about it.”
“Right, well I look forward to your decision.” She smiled and turned away, greeting a man dressed as a sandwich. A sandwich, can you believe it?
Will, er… Superman strode back to me, one arm outstretched and his fingers curled into a fist as though he was flying. I couldn’t help but giggle. “Party’s off to a great start, isn’t it? The costumes are fantastic,” he said.
I nodded, but with all these strange people surrounding me I felt overwhelmed and out of place. “Hey, how about we have the birthday cake now and get it out of the way. What do you say?” I longed for the flicker of birthday candles and the smell of melting wax, the precursor to making my wish and hopefully going back home. It had been kinda cool to experience the technology of the future, but my legs ached, my brain hurt, my boobs were painfully compressed to within an inch of their life and I was tired of putting on a facade. I was ready for home.
“Don’t even think about it, the cake will be the highlight of the evening, so naturally we’ll leave it until the end of the party. You’ll just have to wait.” Will tapped me on the nose like a child wanting to open their presents on Christmas Eve.
“But–”
“No buts, just enjoy the next few hours and before you know it the cake will be in front of you, and you can officially kiss forty-nine goodbye.”
Goodbye? Forty-nine and I had never officially said hello. And a few hours? Oh man, now my countdown had to start all over again. I pouted and sighed, but Will didn’t notice as another guest arrived and took his attention.
Okay, I could do this. I’d been to my fair share of parties before, I just had to remember the Three Golden Rules and I’d be fine:
1. Smile and nod regularly during conversation, even if you have no idea what the person is talking about.
2. Always have a glass in hand (or in this case, a test tube).
3. And NEVER stand directly underneath fluorescent lights.
There. Easy peasy. A haze of white swam towards me. “The house looks great, doesn’t it?” the ghostly Elaine said. “Ryan is so talented. I’m going to get him to style my place when he’s finished university. If I can afford it.” She looked at me hopefully.
“Oh, well of course we’d give you a discount, Elaine.”
“Oh, thanks.” She placed a hand on her tulle heart and sighed. “You and Will are so lucky.”
“What do you mean?” My champagne tube hesitated near my mouth as I awaited an answer.
“I was watching you two before. He’s just as much in love with you now as he’s always been. You’re very lucky.” We both glanced at Will who was comparing fake muscles with someone dressed as The Hulk, even though Max Sheldon outdid them both hands down with his natural muscles.
“Um, thanks.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“You know what, Kel? I often wonder… if I could go back in time and make different decisions, would Peter and I still be together? If I’d followed my dreams instead of casting them aside in the hope of being the perfect wife and mother, maybe I wouldn’t have resented him and myself and things would be different. I just wish I knew.”
Elaine was more deserving of a fast forward than me, or in her case, a fast backward, or a random rewind or something like that, so she could live the life she’d wanted and possibly save her marriage. Why was this phenomenon wasted on me? “What were your dreams, Elaine?”
“You know, become a chef and open a restaurant, or even a little cake shop with cake decorating classes on weekends, make beautiful wedding cakes, birthday cakes, the lot. But Peter’s important job with the police department and his unpredictable schedule would have made it impossible to manage that plus the kids, and it’s not like we could have afforded a nanny.” She took a swig of champagne. “It was easier to put my cooking skills to use in the home. Sometimes I wonder though, if my family knew how good they had it. How good they have it.”
Wow, this woman had literally pushed her dreams aside for her family. She was practically a saint, but her sunken smile and tired eyes told me this wasn’t something women should aspire to. What good was she to others if she wasn’t totally happy with her own life? Women should go after what they want, and surely there were ways to manage a family and a lifelong passion. I’d done it, hadn’t I? The future me, I mean.
“It’s not too late, you know. What’s stopping you from opening that restaurant or cake shop now that the kids are older?”
She flicked her hand towards me and chuckled. “Oh, not this conversation again. I’m just too tired now to start anything new.”
“But if you’re passionate about something, surely that passion would feed your energy?”
“Maybe… ah, I don’t know. I should probably just let things be. I’ve got a good life, a healthy family. I shouldn’t complain. Anyway, tonight’s about you, so when are you opening your presents?” Elaine’s face changed to a somewhat forced expression of excitement and I felt sorry for her. I almost wanted to give her my birthday cake and tell her to make a wish that would send her back in time.
“I’m not sure, I guess Will or Ryan will tell me when it’s time for that. They seem to have everything under control.” I attempted a deep breath.
“Are you okay?” Elaine asked.
I squirmed a little. “Yeah, it’s just that I’m wearing this…” I leaned in close to her ear, “support underwear and it’s a bit on the tight side. Plus I really need to go to the ladies room.”
Elaine gave me a knowing smile. “Why do you think I wore this ghost costume tonight?” She laughed and I tried to join in but that only put more pressure on my bladder. “Well you better go now while the guests are preoccupied with each other.” I shot her a worried look and her eyes widened. “Do you need me to… help?”
“Oh, God no.” Was she serious? I mean, I was used to changing into different outfits with a small audience around me, but that was when my body easily slipped in and out of things. Now it would be like sumo wrestling with myself – not something I particularly wanted an audience for. “I mean, I think I’ll be fine. If I’m not out in fifteen minutes, maybe you could come and check on me?”
“Deal.” Elaine winked and I wandered off towards the bedroom en suite, which was the only bathroom I knew the location of in the house. As I passed the kitchen, a caterer cut a bunch of fresh chives with scissors, sprinkling the green flecks over mini pancakes topped with cream cheese. I walked over to her.
“Excuse me, could I borrow those for just a few minutes?”
“The chives?”
“The scissors.”
“Oh, well of course. Just give me a second.” She cut up the remaining chives then washed the scissors and handed them to me, curiosity on her face.
I gestured to my bedroom. “Just remembered something I forgot to do earlier. Have to, um… cut something.” I scooted off before I sounded more ridiculous and the fact that earlier she had seen me half naked and in the midst of being strangled by rip-proof fabric meant she knew exactly what the scissors were for.
I was really bursting now, so I quickly closed the bathroom door – but didn’t lock it in case an emergency rescue was necessary – then eased the dress up towards my hips. It didn’t need to be all the way up, just enough that I could get at the support suit with the scissors to cut a strip either side to free things up a bit and be able to wriggle the knickers down enough to do the deed. Getting them back up again… well, I’d deal with that when the time came. If absolutely necessary, I could wait for backup to arrive in fifteen minutes.
I held on to the fabric and positioned the scissors on each side, before pressing down to snip the suit. Only it didn’t snip. I tried again, but the scissors only slid sideways as though blunt, which they weren’t because I’d distinctly heard the sharp snipping sound when the caterer used them.
Bloody, bloody hell.
I tried stabbing part of the fabric with a sharp corner of the scissors, but it only stretched the suit, not even unravelling a single thread of the triple-woven-rip-proof-piece-of-crap-weapon-of-mass-destruction. If I ever got this suit off, it could be rolled up to double as the heavy duty stretchy rope that William had wanted from the hardware store.
I tried and tried and tried to break through the fabric, but the material was obviously cut-proof as well, at least in terms of regular kitchen scissors. Maybe I needed a surgical scalpel. I even considered hollering out the bedroom window to my Lycra-clad neighbour to ask if I could borrow her garden clippers, but I needed to go to the toilet. Now. I put every ounce of strength I had into lifting the support suit to the minimum height necessary and after beads of sweat moistened my forehead and track marks appeared on my thighs from my fingernails, I did it.
I took as deep a breath as I could and reached my arms underneath to start attacking the support knickers and if it wasn’t for my strong desire to go, I would have given up. Eventually they cooperated and I managed to create a small channel of freedom to comply with the anatomical requirements of the situation.
A minute later I met with relief, until I had to reverse the movements for the second time tonight, but at least I only had to go part of the way. To humour myself I tried the scissors again, which was a complete waste of time, although that didn’t really matter because it meant I would be slightly closer to the elusive birthday cake/happy birthday singing/make a wish time of the evening.
Despite probably needing some dressings – or perhaps skin grafts – on my fingernail-induced wounds, I emerged relatively unscathed from the bathroom, discarding the pathetic excuse for scissors in the kitchen on the way back. Before I turned to walk back to the living room, aka, Party Hub, a large white cardboard box standing on the kitchen bench took my eye. The caterers were busy facing the other bench, so I sneaked behind them and gently lifted the lid on the box just a fraction.
My birthday cake!
I couldn’t make it all out but it appeared to be a model of a water fountain, with twinkly decorations dangling from the top like sprays of water. One large candle protruded from the top and my eyes lit up as though candles themselves. If I could just light it, I could make a quick wish and this party, this life, would be just a memory. In minutes I could be waking up in my fresh organic cotton sheets, stretching my limber arms and sauntering to the bathroom to smile at my twenty-five-year-old face in the mirror…
“Mrs McSnelly!” The caterer I’d stolen the scissors from flicked the lid closed and I blinked and jumped back in surprise. “You go back and enjoy your party, you mustn’t be in the kitchen. No more peeking, okay?”
I dipped my head in shame like a schoolgirl caught skipping school and with the help of her gentle yet firm hand on the small of my lower back I scurried back to the party where Elaine looked anxious.
“I was about to go in after you!”
“It’s okay, I survived, but the damn thing is scissor-proof!”
“You tried cutting yourself out of it?” Elaine’s ghostly eyes rounded and she looked quite eerie.
I nodded and she shook her head with a chuckle. “Oh, Kel, you poor thing! Do you think you’ll get through the night?”
“Hopefully. But I’ll just go easy on the food and drink. I can’t be having to do that every hour or so.” I wiped remnants of sweat from my forehead.
“Actually, I’m thinking I might have a similar problem, only I have too much material.” She eyed her costume and lifted the layers. “How am I going to lift all of this? I don’t even know if I’m going to fit in the bathroom.”
I looked at my friend’s concerned face and she looked at my sweaty face, and we burst out laughing. “We make a funny pair, you and I,” she said, draping an arm around me as we walked towards some guests who were feigning fright at Elaine’s costume.
An hour later I mentally kicked myself at not having the willpower to resist the delicious food and drinks on offer. You’d think I would have learned after my last trip to the bathroom, but somehow my subconscious – or my stomach – seemed to be in control, making me eat everything that was offered. Elaine asked if I was sure I had enough room in my stomach, to which I replied, “I’ll make room,” popping another mini cream-cheese pancake into my mouth. Big Night Caterers had done a fine job and if I remembered when I got home, I’d invest in their company. Not that I knew how one goes about investing, but I could find out.
I glanced around the room at my guests, all laughing, talking and eating, and noticed Ryan approaching Bungy Ben in his frog/snake outfit outside in The Galaxy. His mouth opened to speak, but another young man went up to them and joined the conversation, and Ryan’s body stiffened at the intrusion. I was about to go out there in the hopes of luring the young man away for some reason I hadn’t decided on yet, when Will’s voice took over the room.
“Attention please, everyone,” he said into a thin silver stand that was obviously a microphone. “I’ve taken the liberty of creating a little quiz in honour of this milestone in Kelli’s life, so bear with me while I pass around a barcode for you all to scan into your e-pads. Then you can open the quiz answer sheet on your screen.” Will walked around the room with a small card and multiple beeps ensued as people scanned the card into their e-pad. Even Mr and Mrs Caveman had e-pads, although their colour matched their fabric sashes.
Hang on… you can change the colour of your e-pad? I quickly opened my menu and clicked on ‘settings’, scrolling down until I found ‘e-pad appearance’. Sure enough, a choice of colours was available. I clicked on ‘red’ and instantly my e-pad strap transitioned smoothly to a shiny red to match my dress. Nice!
I held out my e-pad when Will approached but he skipped me. “You don’t need to do your own quiz, honey, you can just listen and enjoy.”
“Fair enough,” I said.
Will took his place again at the microphone and cleared his throat. “Okay, time to find out who knows Kelli the best! Anyone who scores one hundred per cent gets a special treat from the lucky dip,” he said, pointing to one of the waiters who held up a round receptacle and shook it gently. “So, this is how it’s going to work. I’ll read each question aloud and you’ll have a brief amount of time to choose an answer. I’ll reveal the correct answers as we go along. I’ve programmed your answer sheets to automatically tally your scores at the end of the quiz, so there’ll be no cheating.” Will eyed Ryan.
“Hey, why are you looking at me?” Ryan defended. “Are you suggesting I don’t know enough about my own mother?” he said with a tinge of sarcasm.
To be honest, he probably knew more about me than I did.
“Let’s begin,” Will said in his best game show voice. “Question one: What is Kelli’s middle name?”
Ha! I took back what I said about Ryan knowing more about me than I do. This quiz would be a cinch!
Regina, aka, Marilyn Monroe sidled up to me. “So, what is it, hon?” she whispered.
“Hey, no cheating, Regina,” Will scolded with a determined glare.
“Oh come on, it’s what I do best,” she replied, and I didn’t know if she was being literal or cryptic with that comment.
I made a show of zipping my mouth shut to deter potential cheaters, as Will continued. “Okay, time’s up. The answer is… Diana. Kelli Diana Crawford and now Kelli Diana McSnelly.”
I flinched, but wasn’t sure if that was because I still wasn’t used to my hideous surname or because of my mother’s name being a permanent part of my own.
“Oh darn it, I put down Diane instead of Diana, I knew I shouldn’t have listened to you, sweetheart,” my father-in-law Homer Simpson said, playfully nudging his wife in the ribs with his elbow.
“Question two: What was Kelli’s career before starting KC Interiors?”
Ha! Another easy one. Shame I wasn’t being tested, I really wanted a surprise from the lucky dip.
“And the answer is of course… she was a model.”
I put my hands on my hips and flashed a pout, although inside I coiled at the phrase ‘was a model’. I still am!
“Question three: Where did I propose to Kelli?”
Okay, I take that back about taking that back about Ryan knowing more about me than I did.I bet he knew this. Will had probably told our children a million times if it’s important enough to be included in the legendary Quiz About Kelli.
Guests whispered and multiple eyebrows furrowed in concentration. The room looked bizarre with the holographic screens floating in front of everyone and I wondered how and where Will actually did propose. I bet it was a traditional down-on-one-knee at my favourite restaurant kind of proposal.
“Now those who were at our wedding should remember, as I mentioned it in my speech. I proposed to Kelli at a business conference I was speaking at when I was just twenty-six. She only accompanied me so she could go shopping while I participated in the seminars, but agreed to sit in on my talk to see me in action. I think she was half asleep by the end of it when I clicked on the final slide of my PowerPoint presentation, which showed a photo of us and the words: Kelli, will you marry me? Apparently someone had to tap her on the shoulder and tell her to look at the screen, then she walked up on stage in front of three hundred delegates and said ‘yes’. It was the best moment of my life, well, apart from our wedding and the day our kids were born.” Will smiled and winked at me, and I felt a little gooey inside, and also a little guilty, as I knew Grant would be proposing to me when I got back.
“Okay, speaking of our children, question four: What did Kelli say after giving birth to Diora? a) I’ve had worse constipation than that, b) If you could bottle that pain it would be a fool proof contraceptive, or c) I need a martini?”
Laughter filled the room and even though I didn’t remember saying any of those things, a rush of heat warmed my face and I was sure it now matched my dress and updated e-pad. I dipped my head and decided it was the martini answer, mostly because I could have done with one right at this moment.
This question got everyone talking and some of the women discussed what they had said after giving birth themselves. Elaine remarked that this was when she realised why her mother only had one child.
“Okay, settle down everyone. Ready for the answer?”
“No, I haven’t finished yet,” Marge Simpson said. “Give me a second.”
“Okay… one.” He winked at his mother and shrugged when she shot him a don’t be cheeky with me, young man look.
“The answer is b) If you could bottle that pain it would be a fool proof contraceptive.” Will grinned.
You’re kidding? Who knew I could come up with something witty like that, huh? It must have hurt real bad, thank God I didn’t really go through it.
“That’s a classic, Kelli,” one of Will’s brothers said. I couldn’t remember his name.
“Right-i-o, question five: What role did Kelli play in the parents and children’s school production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?”
Oh. Another one I didn’t know. But I bet the answer was Snow White, no, the Evil Queen – yes, I bet that’s right.
“I know that one!” Elaine piqued up, entering her answer into her e-pad screen. “We were backstage buddies.”
“I know that one too,” Diora said.
Will smiled and waited for everyone to enter their answer. “The answer is… Grumpy! Kelli played Grumpy, one of the seven dwarfs.”
No way! How could that be? It wasn’t fair! And I was far from dwarfed.
“I played the Evil Queen,” Diora said, looking the complete opposite in her pink fairy costume.
Yes of course. She would have been perfect at that. Not that she was evil, but she could definitely take control of any given situation.
“I was Sleepy,” Elaine said. “Which I played well because I was actually sleepy at the time.” She laughed.
“Question six, another multiple choice: What affliction did Kelli endure after our family ski trip last year? a) broken ribs, b) gastroenteritis, or c) a broken fingernail?”
Skiing? I’ve never been skiing before in my life. Probably the broken fingernail, it’s so annoying when that happens, especially when you’ve been growing them all to the same length and then you have to go and cut the rest to match the broken one. Or get acrylics and put up with the mask-mouthed nail technician going on about the injustice of health insurance companies not covering manicures, which kind of made sense when you thought about it. Nails were part of the human body after all, why should they be treated any differently to feet, or eyes, or even hair for that matter. Yes, hairdresser fees should be covered by health insurance too.
“They all sound unbearable to me,” Regina said, curling her fingers to examine her own fingernails.
“Time’s up. The answer is a) broken ribs. Poor Kelli bit off a little more than she could chew when she opted for the Daredevil ski challenge. She spent the next several weeks recovering and I tried to keep her from laughing, sneezing, or coughing, which considering she caught Ryan’s cold a week later made for a very difficult situation!”
“Yeah, it was a tough time,” I said, nodding and absorbing the looks of sympathy from my guests.
“Now something a little different… question seven: What did Kelli buy me for my fortieth birthday party?”
“C’mon, no multiple choice for that one?” someone called out.
“No, we’re getting to the tough end of the quiz now.”
“I know this one too!” Elaine busily typed up her answer.
What would I have bought my husband for his birthday? A watch? A subscription to Business Monthly magazine?
“A Man Spa salon pampering package, including a massage and facial!” Will revealed.
Yeah, that.
“I bet you enjoyed it, didn’t you, man?” one of his police officer brothers said.
“How else could I look this good?” Will stroked his chin with his thumb and forefinger, then laughed. “If you must know, it was a very relaxing day.” He smiled at me and I smiled back.
“Was it better than sex?” Elaine called out, and immediately her hand flew to her mouth. “Oops, I can’t believe I just asked that, sorry! Must be the champagne talking.” Her ghostly pallor brightened a little as some of the guests laughed.
“And lastly, question eight: What is Kelli’s favourite movie?”
I’ve been redeemed. Sex and The City for sure. The first one, not the sequel.
“And the answer is of course, the Oscar winning movie, Destined.”
What?
“We saw it on our first anniversary and as the credits rolled, Kelli turned to me and said, ‘That is the best movie I’ve ever seen’. I asked her last week and she still agrees.”
Never even heard of it.
“Woohoo, I got all of them right!” Elaine stood and pumped the air with her fist, as did Diora. Well, Diora pumped the air but didn’t stand, her rounded body perched permanently on a pod in the Bliss Garden. Three people I didn’t recognise also ‘woohoo-ed’ and the waiter approached them with the lucky dip bowl. They each reached inside and plucked a mystery gift, but by the looks of it they were all chocolate, each with a unique name.
“I got Chocolate Passion,” Elaine said, lifting her cellophane-wrapped chocolate truffle. “I’ll take any passion I can get.” She pulled off the wrapper and popped the chocolate into her mouth.
“Chocolate Dream for me,” Diora said, while the other three winners got Chocolate Scandal, Chocolate Secret and Chocolate Love.
“Can’t I get a lucky dip too? I only just missed out, seven out of eight,” Ryan said.
“Me too,” Kasey declared. “Close enough?”
“Nope, rules are rules. Congratulations to our five winners and don’t worry, we’ll have chocolates and coffee later, as well as delicious cake.”
Cake. I leaned forward and peered longingly towards the kitchen, the key to my doorway home residing in that cardboard box. Two out of eight, that’s all I got in the Quiz About Kelli. That’s a measly… um… oh, I don’t know, some measly percentage. I was sure my e-pad had an inbuilt calculator but what was the point? I’d failed miserably in a quiz that was all about me. Elaine, a woman I knew nothing about, knew everything about me. Who was this woman I’d become?