15. There’s No Time Like the Present
“When the music changes so does the dance” – Nigerian proverb
“Oh,look! Kelli’s doing the robot dance,” one of Will’s brothers said as he approached the makeshift dance floor in the living room-Party Hub.
“No I’m not,” I interjected, but on looking down at my stiff torso and rigid arms I realised I was dancing more robotically than intended. Not that I’d planned to dance even remotely robotically. Will’s brother – was it Steven? – sidled up next to me and matched my movements, holding his elbows at a ninety-degree angle and moving them up and down. Will joined in too, pulling off a rather brilliant robotic performance and I agreed that I was in fact doing the robot dance.
More guests participated, competing for the impromptu Robot Dancer of the Night award, which Will awarded to Cleopatra, the woman who’d asked me about some business proposal. Turned out she used to be a dance teacher, so no wonder she won, although if the caterers had participated I think they would have been in with a good chance.
After another fifteen minutes in the bathroom wrangling with my support suit, this time armed with Band-Aids to dress the fingernail wounds and body lotion to help the fabric slide more easily, I emerged to find Diora standing for a change, at the microphone.
“Listen up, everyone, it’s time for the best part of the evening…”
“The cake?” I asked with a little too obvious enthusiasm.
“No, Mum, the presents!”
Bugger. Then again, I did like presents.
“So, Mum, if you’d like to take a seat over here.” Diora gestured towards a stool near the present table. “You can begin opening the presents. Dad, you all set to take photos?”
I sat on the stool and Will stood nearby, e-pad at the ready with a little square shaped hologram hovering above it. As I picked up the first present, a small box with gold wrapping and a red bow, Will snapped a photo of me.
Seriously, what would a person in this day and age do without their e-pad?
“That’s from me, Mum.” Diora beamed.
I looked up at my daughter. “But you already bought me the facial earlier today. You didn’t have to get me anything else.” Then again, who was I to refuse? “Thanks, sweetie.” I pulled at the red ribbon.
“Wait, don’t forget to read the card,” she said.
What card? I glanced at the sparkly gift and on the underside was a small barcode stuck to the paper. Oh, right! Hoping like hell it wasn’t just the barcode from the wrapping paper, I subtly held it near my e-pad and with relief a beep sounded.
Do you want to open or save document?the screen asked.
I pressed ‘open’ and a beautiful birthday card came to life before my eyes. It showed a woman walking through a magical forest, staring at the twinkling stars in the sky. She pointed to one and it glowed, before bursting into a thousand tiny flickering embers of light, leaving behind the words: May all your wishes come true on your birthday ~ your daughter, Diora.
I smiled in delight and glanced again at my daughter, her face weary but happy. “I certainly hope they do. Thank you, darling.” I pulled off the ribbon and lifted the gift from its wrapping. When I opened the box a shiny pendant winked at me, its smooth oval shape framing a red jewel in the centre.
“And I didn’t even know you were wearing red tonight, how appropriate!” Diora said.
“It’s perfect.” I lifted the necklace from its case and held it up to the peering crowd. As it spun side to side on its chain, an inscription on the back caught my eye. I squinted and held it at arms-length to read it.
If I am this gem, then you are the precious metal, because without your strength and support I could not shine my light to the world. ~ Diora.
Oh my God. Was I crying? A gentle warmth radiated from within and caressed my body. My eyelids blinked over slippery eyes. “Diora, that’s beautiful. I don’t know what to say.” I stood up and walked to her, my arms encasing her just like the necklace, although not all the way around because there was the issue of the restricted arm movement, compounded by Diora’s large belly.
“Happy birthday, Mum,” she whispered.
Composing myself, I resumed my position on the stool and picked up the next present.
“That’s from me,” Elaine said.
“Another one from you too? Wow, I’m totally spoilt.” I smiled.
Inside a rectangular box was a plastic gift card with Wildfire Women’s Resort on the front. I squinted again at the writing on the back, which told me I was entitled to a two-night stay.
“I’ve got one too, so we can have a girl’s weekend away!” Elaine beamed. “I was thinking sometime next month, but whatever works for you.”
“Thank you, Elaine.” For someone who seemed fairly budget conscious, this plus the facial from today must have been a stretch. A strange and unfamiliar sensation crept its way around my body, peering into nooks and crannies and believe me, I had developed quite a few of those. My heart softened like cotton wool. “I’m humbled by your generosity.”
Her ghostly figure floated towards me and embraced me. “How are you coping with the suit?” she sneaked in before pulling away.
My parents-in-law weaved to the front of the crowd as I picked up their present. I tore away the Victorian floral paper and stared at the package. Household Helper - Instant Vacuum.
How could this be a vacuum cleaner, the box wasn’t large enough. “Oh, thanks. I’ve been wanting one of these!” I forced my eyes wide to express excitement at such a gift.
“I thought you might, especially after last Christmas when you complained about your sore back from all the vacuuming,” Marge Simpson said. “This will make things much easier for you.” She turned the box over and pointed to the illustrated instructions. “You just install the devices in a corner of each room, make sure there’s nothing small and valuable on the floor, press the red button, and voila! All dust from up to seven metres away is sucked into the device.”
Now that’s my kind of housework.
“But how does all the dust fit into such a small device?” Elaine asked, her forehead furrowed as she examined the box.
Homer Simpson waddled his ample belly towards the fascinated guests gathered around the Household Helper. “What happens is, the dust is compressed to half its size and then dispersed into nanoparticles which the device then compresses again, causing a compound effect which reduces the molecular size tenfold.” My father-in-law should have come dressed as Einstein.
“In other words, honey, it makes the dust smaller so you don’t have to empty the device that often,” Will added.
“I have to get one,” Elaine stated.
“I got one a few months back,” Regina said with a flick of her blond Marilyn wig. “A reward to myself for my business going above and beyond its income targets.”
“Ah, so the matchmaking industry’s still going bug guns, eh?” Will asked Regina.
“Totally. I think ConnectNow’s success comes from the fact we also have a showroom, something the online-only dating websites can’t compete with.”
So that explained Regina’s interest in all things romantic. She’s a professional flirt! But a showroom for potential romantic partners? How did that work? I imagined walking into such a showroom and asking, ‘Do you have any tall, dark, handsome doctors in stock at the moment?’ to which the salesperson might say, ‘Sorry, we’re all out as they were on special last week. Can I put you down for a backorder and notify you when one becomes available?’
I swallowed my giggles and thanked Marge and Homer for the gift, then picked up a flat rectangular package wrapped in a luxurious silk scarf.
“The scarf is the real present, Kelli,” Regina explained. “What’s inside is more of a… how do I say it?… novelty gift, if you like. One cannot turn fifty without a little gimmick in honour of advancing age now, can they?” She winked and my stomach plummeted.
Oh man, what could it be? It wasn’t going to be those incontinence pads, was it? Or some kind of adult diaper? I reluctantly tugged at the package. Worse. A sense of déjà vu washed over me as cardboard packaging greeted my eyes, complete with a picture of a slim woman smiling in her beige underwear.
A SlimFX Magic Suit version 2.0, New and Improved, the label said. Now with expandable release valve for ease of use! In other words – now with expandable release valve for getting in and out of the damn thing without requiring hospitalisation and emergency surgery.
I faked a laugh. “Haha thanks, Regina. Just what I’ve always wanted!”
Elaine glanced my way with an expression that said ‘How dare she give you something like that in front of everyone’ and Ryan’s mouth appeared about to explode with a lump of laughter. Despite the awkwardness of the situation, I wished Regina had given me this earlier so I could have saved myself the trouble of dealing with version 1.0.
“Anyway, not that you need one, Kelli, but they’re actually pretty good. Gives you a nice smooth line under a fitted dress. I’m wearing the discreet strapless version now, can you tell?” Regina twirled and her Marilyn Monroe dress lifted and spun with her, and no, I couldn’t tell. “Sorry, I just had to do that! Get into character, you know?” She winked again and it could have been a coincidence but Will’s brother stepped slightly to the side, away from Regina.
I opened more presents, including a heat-sensing automatic temperature-adjusting blanket from Kasey and Max, along with a donation on my behalf to the Ants Have Feelings Too research foundation, and watched more amazing moving birthday cards, until only one thing remained on the present table. A white envelope.
It seemed strange that among all this technology, paper still actually existed. I slid my finger under the seal and pulled out a plastic card about the size of a book… if books still existed, I certainly hadn’t seen any around the house.
“Oh, whoops, that was supposed to be for later,” Will said. “Ah, might as well have it now, then.” His face went slightly pink.
“What is it, Kel?” Elaine asked with curious eyes.
“It’s a…” I began, my cheeks becoming hot.
Ryan came over and plucked the card from my hands. “C’mon, the suspense is killing us!” He read the card and grinned. “It’s a couple’s intimate photo shoot at Image of Desire studios.”
“Woo-woo!” Regina said and a few cheers and whistles escaped the mouths of my guests, as Will held out his hands.
“Now calm down, everyone, it’s just a makeover and photo shoot for married couples, nothing raunchy.”
“Yeah right,” Ryan exclaimed. “Have you seen the portfolio on the gift card? Look.” He pressed a button on the card and a slideshow played, showing various couples wearing minimal clothing embracing in imaginative positions like strands of spaghetti clinging to a fork.
A makeover and photo shoot I could handle, but with Will? Doing… that? My stomach lurched as I attempted to steal the card back from Ryan, who was holding it up in the air for everyone to see, keeping it out of my grasp. “Give it to me, son, that’s enough of your teasing,” I said in a motherly voice and interestingly, it worked.
“Sorry, Mum. It’s just funny, that’s all.” He handed me the card and I shoved it back in its envelope as Will mouthed a red-faced ‘sorry’ at me. I flicked my hand as though it was nothing and then reopened Diora’s gift in an effort to distract myself – and everyone else – asking the nearest person to help me latch the necklace around my neck.
“There is another present, Mum,” Ryan said in a more serious tone.
“Huh? But you already took me bungy jumping.”
“You went bungy jumping?” Marge Simpson leapt from her seat, her beehive wig almost toppling forward.
“Didn’t you know?” Homer asked. “I told you yesterday, remember, when you were baking that soufflé?”
“Darling, you should know by now to never talk to me when I’m baking, especially a soufflé, I won’t remember a thing for the concentration it requires.”
“Yes, she sure did,” Ben said. “She was awesome!” Ryan glanced longingly towards Ben and smiled, before turning back to me.
“This is something extra special, I’ve been planning it for a while,” Ryan said.
Oh dear God.Don’t let it be skydiving, or hang gliding, or a one-way trip to Mount Everest. Please!
But Ryan simply walked over to the microphone along with Ben, who sat at a small drum set – how did I not notice a set of drums in my living room before? Another young guy picked up two guitars, handing one to Ryan, who held on to the stem of the microphone and looked in my direction. “Mum, this one’s for you.”
He strummed the guitar and a rhythmic melody filled the air, accompanied by Ben’s slow and steady beat on the drums and the other guy’s twang on his guitar. Guests gathered around, some swaying to the music with their loved one, while I stood in the centre, my eyes fixed on the sight before me and ears taking in the unexpected beauty of the music my son was creating.
Then he sang, his slow crooning tone perfect, merging with the music.
“The one whose gifts she shared,
The one who always cared,
Mum… she’s the one.”
They were just words, but the way he sang them with such emotion and conviction, it was as though they were pebbles dropping into a pool of joy, their impact spreading outwards in loving ripples.
“She never left my side,
She taught me to express, not hide,
Mum… she’s the one.”
Guests turned on the light on their e-pads and held them up in the air, waving and swaying them to the music like they were candles and I did the same, while a smile played on my lips.
“When times were so tough I thought I’d die,
She held me till my tears were dry,
Mum… she’s the one…
And as I get ready to leave the nest,
I want you to know you’ve been the best,
Mum… she’s the one…
Yes, Mum… you’re the one.”
His voice lifted high on the last note, raising a swirl of emotion to the roof and letting it float softly back down, filling the room as he drew the words out in one slow, last breath.
He bowed his head and stood still for a moment as applause lifted the energy of the room back up to the roof. My heart pulsing and filling with pride, I walked up to Ryan – my son – and slid my arms around his back as a lone tear slid down my face.