CHAPTER 36
Riven
Drown - Bring Me The Horizon
It’s been a day I haven’t gone back to my loft, I’m just sleeping at Jules’.
Charlie is there too, we can’t stay away from each other, watching movies and laughing.
It makes me feel good, normal.
But the peace is shattered when someone is pounding on Jules’ door.
We jump out of the couch and exchange looks that we can understand, like telepathy if it existed.
I look at Jules.
What the hell? Who is that?
The fuck if I know.
We look at Charlie who is slowly going for a weapon in Jules’ kitchen.
But then a familiar voice makes us freeze in place.
“Riven! I know you’re in there!” The man shouts without stopping his pounding on the door.
Liam.
The moment Jules opens the door, he bursts inside, nearly in tears, equal parts terrified and furious—just drunk enough to throw himself into my arms.
Just fucking great.
I'm not in the mood. I can't do this.
I hug him and feed him the same lie I told the girls.
He clings to me like he's afraid I'll disappear again.
“I thought you were dead,” he chokes out against my shoulder. “Do you have any idea what you fucking put me through?”
His voice cracks.
“You disappeared. You left me.” His chest heaves. “I've been losing my fucking mind while you were just... gone.”
His voice hardens.
“You don't just disappear for days without saying a word.” He starts pacing. “You don't get to leave whenever you feel like it.”
His hands rake through his hair before he points a finger at me.
He's crying, he's furious and terrified.
And somehow, he's making this about him.
The realization leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
That isn't how I should be feeling. Liam loves me, I really think he does, everyone would freak out, but I wasn’t expecting him to react like that.
After everything, the first thing he wanted was an explanation instead of asking if I was okay.
Neither of us says anything for a while. He just continues to pace, looking at me like I murdered his parents.
I just lower my gaze, avoiding his.
I feel terrible for something I didn’t choose.
Eventually, Jules gives me a quiet look.
“Take him home.”
I nod.
The streets are calm at this hour.
I have no idea what time it is, but sooner or later we’ll pass one of those giant buildings with the massive hologram clocks plastered on them.
I’m practically dragging him with my arms, still exhausted from all the work I had to do on that damn car.
Liam is a big man.
Not Varek big, thank God, but I’m only five-foot-four.
I can barely keep him upright. Especially when he’s dead weight, refusing to come with me and doing absolutely nothing to help me.
“Liam,” I grunt, trying not to collapse myself. “Please, help me here.”
And all I can think about is how tired I am. I’m barely holding myself so how am I supposed to drag my tipsy-furious boyfriend?
I don’t know how I manage to make it back to my loft without collapsing like a puppet with its strings cut, but somehow, I do. Barely.
I press my palm against the biometric pad beside the door, and it slides open with a soft hiss.
Thank God. Home, finally.
“Riven…” Liam says. “Don’t leave me. I can’t lose you. You’re everything.”
My heart breaks. God, I’m a monstrous person.
“I’m sorry, Liam.”
I cup his jaw in my hands, my thumbs brushing the tears from his cheeks as I try to steady him.
“I… I’ve had a few days that completely drained me, mentally and physically. I would have reached out if I could. I’m so sorry…”
I sigh when I see his hands trembling.
“Please, Liam, listen to me. I’m deeply, truly sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. But I’m kind of lost right now. Things are changing. Everything feels like it’s collapsing—”
“But you disappeared for days!” He shouts, cutting me. “You never answered! I was worried! Are you seeing someone else? Stop lying! I know you are!”
I flinch, I can feel my anger rising. My hands are shaking as I try as much as I can to calm down.
He is worried, this is normal.
“This shirt is not even yours!” He tugs violently at the shirt. “It smells like another man, you have to tell me! You are mine, Riven! I will never let you go! Do you understand me?”
“Liam, it’s complicated! It’s not like I wanted all my life to collapse!” I shout back “You didn’t believe me for the break in! I tried to tell you! And I belong to no one! I’m my own person!”
His eyes darken, I step back, I never seen Liam’s eyes look at me like that, and it’s scaring me.
Suddenly, his mouth is on mine. It’s sloppy, clumsy and it tastes like alcohol.
I freeze and before I can even process it, I push him away. I need to explain.
I need to tell him the truth.
I can't let this go on. I can't let the people I care about end up like this because of me.
His hands are suddenly on me, and he slams my back against the door hard enough to drive the air from my lungs.
I yelp in surprise.
“I can’t lose you,” he rasps.
Crowding into my space, his grip shifting from my shoulders to my waist, groping roughly my breasts through whatever Evren’s shirt he gave me during my sort of captivity, then my face.
“If I lose you, I’ll go mad, Riven.” His voice slowly turns dangerous “Stop pushing me away.”
His slams his hips against mine, rubbing himself through our clothes against me roughly.
I freeze completely.
My brain refuses to work. I’m lost, completely lost.
But he isn’t listening. He doesn’t even let me finish.
He doesn’t even let me explain and all I can do is stand there, frozen, while everything I thought I understood about my life seems to collapse around me.
“Liam,” I try to speak.
I put my hands on his chest, pushing him back to breathe, to show him it’s not the time, and that we need to talk.
“Please, you’re hurting me.”
“I’m not going to lose you.” His voice turns predatory, even through the haze of alcohol.
He lifts his head to look at me, desperate, I look at him softly, pleading, but I’m not reactive, not the way he probably wants.
I gasp when I feel a slight pressure on my throat.
“Riven,” Liam whispers against my lips “Give yourself to me, now.”
What is he doing? What?
I don’t want to... I want to talk.
He isn’t listening, he isn’t listening.
I try to push him again away, I don’t want to punch him and hurt him.
I feel the pressure of his hand on my throat tighten, then he adds his other hand, pinning me completely against the door, leaving me with no escape.
I claw at his wrists, leaving red marks, but I’m exhausted, truly fucking exhausted from the kidnapping, the work, the walking, the emotional reunion, dragging him here.
I don’t have anything left.
I feel him slowly increase the pressure, cutting off my air.
My heart beats so fast I can feel the blood rushing to my face, my lungs screaming for the air I’m being denied.
“I won't lose you,” he sobs, tightening his grip anyway. “You're everything! You're mine! I can't lose you!”
His grip tightens again.
“If I lose you...” His voice breaks into something almost feral. “I'll fucking kill you before I let anyone else have you!”
He screams the last words, spit splatters across my face.
Suddenly, he lifts me just enough for my feet to leave the floor.
I kick at him, but my legs only flail uselessly in the air.
My nails dig into his skin, drawing blood, yet he doesn't even seem to notice.
I fight with everything I have, desperately trying to force even the smallest breath into my lungs.
The pressure around my throat keeps building.
My vision starts to blur.
Tears spill from my eyes on their own, my head throbbing as if it's about to split open.
Is Liam going to kill me? Is this how I fucking die? Killed by my own boyfriend? By the one person I thought I was safe with?
My vision swims.
No. Not like this. Not after everything.
The girls... God.
I never got to tell them the truth. I never got to tell them how fucking sorry I am, for lying, for making them worry.
Sorry for thinking I could protect them by carrying this alone.
If I hadn't lied, maybe I never would've pushed Liam this far.
Even though I tried to tell him the truth.
Again.
And again.
Even though he never listened.
Maybe. Maybe it's still my fault.
Isn't it always?
My parents never wanted me, never loved me, they blamed me for existing.
For Kyle's death.
Maybe they were right, I ruin everything I touch.
My body weakens, my struggles slow.
The edges of my vision begin to darken.
All I can see are headlights. That car, the one that killed my big brother.
Again.
My fault.
At least, that's what I've spent my whole life believing.
Maybe I deserve this or maybe I don't.
I don't know anymore. I wish I’d been more honest, with everyone—and with myself.