Chapter Thirty-Eight
My limbs tremble as I stare at the door. My fingers completely numb and my lungs filled with cement.
“Lor?” I hear Nadir say, but he sounds too far away over the ringing in my ears and the black spots snowballing in my vision. White flashes burst in the corners of my eyes, and I stumble as vertigo tips me on my axis.
“I… can’t…” I clutch my heart as it ricochets against my ribs, but I’m breathing against a brick wall, the air solid as granite. Cold sweat drips down my back as my face burns like smoldering embers.
“Lor!” I feel his strong arms around me, catching me before I sink to the floor like an anchor fighting the tide, and then I break.
“It… was… him…” I wail as my body shakes and I claw at my face. “I want it gone! I want it gone! Take it away!”
My voice resonates against cold marble with the hollowness of a tomb.
“Take it away!” I scream so loud my voice cracks. “It wasn’t for them! It was him! Take it away!”
“Lor. It’s okay. We’ll get rid of it.” Nadir’s soothing voice is the gentle calm at the eye of my storm. “We’ll find someone who can take care of it.” He folds me into his arms, holding me tight, pressing my face to his chest. I’m shaking. I can’t stop shaking.
I fist the fabric of his tunic, clinging to him like I’m toppling down a landslide. I cry and cry, allowing myself to shed the tears I buried for twelve fucking years. He holds me, gently rubbing my head and my back as we rock in the sea of my wretchedness.
Slowly, my heartbeat settles, no longer threatening to rip out of my chest. I pull away with my hair sticking to my cheek, and Nadir sweeps it away with a gentle fingertip. A large dark spot of my tears stains the front of his tunic.
I wipe my nose with the back of my sleeve as I sniffle.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he says, tucking my hair behind my ear. “We’ll find someone to take care of it immediately.”
“Callias offered,” I say, my voice scraped raw and thin. “He said he could fix it during the Trials, but I wouldn’t let him because I’m a fucking idiot. I thought I was being… I don’t know—brave? Or strong? Trying to prove to those guards they couldn’t hurt me. But they were probably all laughing at me.”
“Lor, you are all of those things,” he says softly. “You are so brave and so strong. I meant what I said when I told you it was noble. It isn’t your fault that he did this, and your reasons for keeping it are yours. Don’t let him take that from you. It doesn’t change who you are or how fiercely you love your brother and sister.”
“Can we find a way to get a message to Callias?” I ask.
I’m falling and I need him to catch me. I have no doubt he’ll be waiting with open arms.
Nadir’s answer is a skeptical look. Sending a message to the palace isn’t the most prudent idea, but I need someone whom I trust with this. Whatever he sees in my face causes his expression to soften.
“Of course. We’ll figure something out. Okay?” He captures my chin between his finger and thumb.
I nod, pressing my lips together to stem another swell of tears balling up my throat.
“It’s okay if you need to cry,” he says so tenderly that a sob cracks from the center of my soul. I can’t believe this is the same man who tied me to the foot of his bed not that long ago. For some morbid reason, the reminder causes my sob to turn into a laugh.
“What?” he asks, clearly bewildered by my sudden mood swing.
“I was just thinking about the time you made me sleep on your floor.”
“Lor, I—”
I shake my head, snorting out another laugh as I fall apart.
“It’s okay. I’m not mad. Pissing each other off. It was our thing. Remember when Mael called it foreplay?”
The corner of his mouth tips up. “I barely slept that night. All I could feel was you.”
“That makes two of us,” I say, wiping my face and nose again. “Gods, I must be a mess.”
He shakes his head. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
“I’m sure you say that to all your mates.” He smiles again.
“We should get out of here.” He glances at the closed door of Cloris’s sitting room, and it’s only now I remember where we are.
“Do you think she heard all that?”
“No,” he says, expression deadpan.
“Liar.” He gives me a wry smile before his jaw hardens and his eyes dim down to black inky pools.
“Lor. I need you to understand that someday I’m going to make a choice when it comes to my father. One that might show you I’m not a good person, and I hope that you’ll be able to forgive me for it.”
“I understand,” I say. “There will be nothing to forgive. There’s nothing you can do that will ever make me question you.”
Then he kisses me deeply before he pulls away and touches his forehead to mine.
“Let’s go,” Nadir says, helping me stand and tugging me back the way we came.
“Where do you think Mael got to?” I ask.
“Not sure, but he can find his way home.”
We spill out into the bright street, blinking against the sunlight.
“We need to get your magic back—the full force of it. I can’t stand the idea of you being vulnerable around my father again.”
“Did you know any of that?” I ask as we walk. “About the arks?”
Nadir shakes his head. “I’ve never heard of such a thing, but we need to know what they actually do. I don’t believe a single word she just told us.”
“No, me neither.” I stop walking, forcing Nadir to do the same. “Do you think it’s possible the Mirror has it? What if that’s the gift and it was never my magic? The Staff hinted it might help unlock mine. Cloris said the ark is an amplifier too.”
“I’d considered that. We have to get inside the palace soon. There is absolutely no way we can let her get her hands on it.”
“What about the other thing?” I ask. “Sealing our bond?”
“If she knows how to do it, then someone else must know too.”
“What if we can’t find anyone else?”
As the crowd surges around us, he pulls me in close with a hand cupped around the side of my neck.
“If we have to give her the ark, then that’s what we’ll do.”
“But what if—”
He reels me in and kisses me fiercely. “No. I told you once that I don’t let anything get in the way of what I want, and I meant that. There is nothing I want more than you.”
I blink at him and nod.
“We’re going to figure this out,” he says with all his usual bravado, and I believe him. One way or another, we will.
We start walking again with our hands clasped, both lost in our thoughts. The silence between us is comfortable, despite the way I just reacted. I realize I don’t have to be anything around him other than myself. He has accepted me, warts and all.
We duck into the alley leading to the house’s back gate and enter to find everyone gathered in the sitting room.
Willow’s map is spread out on the table, and I can see she’s filled in more details since yesterday.
At our entrance, everyone sits up, watching us expectantly. A moment later, the back door bangs open, and Mael appears in the doorway, flushed and smiling like the cat that caught the canary.
“Enjoyed yourself?” Nadir asks, and Mael smirks as he drops onto the sofa with a satisfied sigh.
“Immensely.”
“Were you crying?” Willow asks. “What happened?”
“Did you talk to her?” Tristan asks, and I nod.
“We did.” I opt not to share the details that sent me into a spiral. I’ll explain the true source of my scar to my brother and sister later.
I do share what Cloris told us about the arks as everyone listens intently.
“Anyway, we’re now wondering if this is what the Mirror wants to give me,” I say.
“How do we find out more?” Amya asks. “I don’t understand how we’ve never heard of this.”
“I get the sense it’s the kind of information reserved only for the ascended,” Nadir says.
“I have a friend who works in the archives,” Nerissa says. “I could ask her if there’s anything written about it?”
“That would be amazing,” I reply. “Thank you.”
She dips her chin, clearly happy to be useful.
“What about you?” Nadir asks Hylene next. “Any luck on your end?”
She tosses a red curl over her shoulder. “Of course. I’ll be attending the festivities with one Lord Cedric Heulfryn.”
Nadir nods. “Well done.”
“Wait,” I say. “Heulfryn. As in Apricia’s family?”
Hylene’s eyes sparkle. “Her brother, in fact.”
I bark out a laugh, not sure why that’s so amusing.
“Impressive,” Mael says. “I guess you are useful around here.”
Hylene narrows her gaze, and I’m sure that one day, Mael will find himself with a dagger pressed to his throat. Or maybe his cock, depending on Hylene’s mood.
“That’s good,” Nadir says. “You’ll be invited to the palace to stay for a few days.”
“I’ll get my bags packed. I’m expected soon. So we need to get moving on whatever plan you’re hatching.”
“She’s right,” Willow says. “I won’t be able to come back here either. Apricia has made it clear we’re to remain by her side in the days leading up to the ceremony.”
Nadir pinches the bridge of his nose, and I feel his mounting frustration.
“Have you had any luck getting your hands on a schedule of the events?” he asks her.
She grins and pulls out a piece of paper. “Yup. This is everything.”
Nadir grabs it, and I read over his shoulder.
“What’s the presentation?” I ask, noting its place on the timetable the day before the bonding.
“It’s when Atlas and Apricia will greet the citizens of Aphelion one by one. It’s kind of like the second-tier invite for those who aren’t important enough to garner an invite to the real ceremony,” Amya says.
“Anyone can attend?” I ask.
“In theory, yes.”
She presses her lips together and doesn’t voice her other thought. The low fae are definitely not invited.
“They’re already setting up a huge tent outside the gates,” Willow says. “That’s where it will happen.”
“So the throne room will be empty?” I ask.
Nadir nods as he rubs his chin. “It’ll be a partial distraction. It might be what we need.”
“How do we get in without being seen, though?” I ask.
“There’s a side entrance,” Willow says, pointing to her sketch. “This is where the deliveries are coming in. What if you entered there?”
“It’s an idea,” Nadir says as Mael proceeds to grill Willow on who guards the entrance, what kinds of questions they ask, and how closely they scrutinize the carts and vendors coming in and out. Willow answers as best she can, but we’re still working with a lot of holes and guesses.
As we talk, I grow more and more nervous. Can I do this? Can we possibly get in and out of there undetected?
“Lor, I think you need to practice your magic some more,” Nadir says to me. “You’re getting better with it, but I would rest easier if you had a bit more control.”
I nod. “Sure. Me too.”
“Perfect. We’ll go back to the clearing tomorrow. Nerissa, if you could see what you can find as soon as possible, so we know what we’re dealing with? I’m not entirely happy with the plan yet, but we’re getting closer.”
We all murmur our assent.
Zerra help us all.