Chapter Twenty-One
Roman
After showering, Nico leaves to meet with his cousin so they can go over his schedule for tomorrow—interviews, photos, stuff like that.
The day after tomorrow is my final game.
The day after that is the closing ceremony.
Then we go home.
It’s a lot to think about, and I try not to because it makes my chest hurt.
I don’t want to leave him.
And it’s not just being away from him—he’s gone right now and that’s okay. Because I know I’ll see him soon. I don’t want to be across the country knowing that I may never see him again. It makes me sick to my stomach, but how can that be?
I don’t know, and I guess it doesn’t matter either. All I know is that we need to figure something out. We have to. I can’t go the rest of my life never seeing or speaking to him again. I can’t just forget him—and there’s no way I could forget my time here, as much as I should try.
I shove my hand under my pillow to pull out Nico’s sweatshirt that I sleep with when he isn’t here. I hope like hell he doesn’t try to take it back. If it’s all I’ll have of him, then I’ll need to keep it.
The apartment door opens and closes. Connor pops his head into my room.
“Hey,” he says. “Great fucking game today. Good job with that final goal, man.”
I smile tiredly. “Thank you.”
He comes into my room, leaning against the wall across from me and crossing his legs at the ankle.
“You good?” he asks.
“As good as can be. You?”
He shrugs, looking away like maybe he’s the one who wants to talk about something.
“So,” he begins slowly. “Can I, uh… ask you something?”
“Yeah, of course.”
He clears his throat, running his hand through his hair before saying, “When did you realize you were gay?”
Oh… well, that’s not at all what I was expecting.
“Uh, I’m not really sure. I guess some time in high school? Why do you ask?”
I’m very curious to know why he wants to know because he’s well-known for being a ladies’ man.
He’s the one who goes out and parties hard, refusing to settle down ever.
Maybe he’s upset because I didn’t tell him sooner?
It’s not that I was trying to keep it from him, I just didn’t talk about it at all.
“I wasn’t trying to hide it or anything,” I say.
“Yeah, I know that. I’m not mad or anything.”
“Hockey has been my focus for so long, that I just didn’t think of much else.”
“Until recently?”
I think about that for a moment. Kind of? I always knew I wasn’t attracted to girls the way other guys were, but I didn’t make my sexuality a priority. Not when I’ve always had hockey. There’s no need to get into all of that, though.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
I sit up, leaving Nico’s sweatshirt by my pillow. Connor glances at it then at me.
“Why are you asking?” I repeat.
“I, uh…” He clears his throat again. “I think… I am too.”
“Oh,” I say, surprised. “Okay. Uh, why?”
He meets my gaze. “I don’t actually think I need to tell you to promise me you won’t say anything, but it sort of feels like I need to hear it.”
I smirk. “I swear I won’t say a word, Connor. You can trust me.”
“I know I can.” He sits beside me, resting his elbows on his knees. “Or else I wouldn’t be here.” I nod and wait for him to continue. “I’ve been hooking up with guys for years.”
I huff out a disbelieving sound. “Wow. Seriously?”
“Yeah. I let people think it was girls, and sometimes it was, but mostly it’s been guys.”
“And how have you kept everyone quiet?”
“I only hook up with people when we travel and hope like hell they don’t recognize me. I’ve been lucky so far.”
“Huh, okay.”
“I’m just a little freaked out about it…”
“What about it is freaking you out?” I ask.
“That’s the thing.” He looks at me. “I don’t fucking know. I just feel nervous about it, and I don’t know why. And I, uh… I’ve been hooking up with someone here. A guy. And he’s amazing, and I think that maybe I could see something with him, but we don’t even live in the same country.”
I sigh. “I get that all too much.”
He looks at me, smirking. “You wanna move to Canada?”
I huff a laugh. “We’re both signed to an American team.”
“Yeah, but our contracts are up this season. We’re both free agents. We could try for a Canadian team.”
I narrow my eyes, trying to figure out if he’s being serious.
“Does this guy mean that much that you’d move to another country for him?”
“Kind of, yeah, and that’s the crazy part. I never wanted to settle, but something about him… I don’t know. It makes me kind of crazy. And thinking about him going home, and not being able to see him, and maybe him meeting someone else and moving on? I want to punch something.”
I laugh again. “I’ve had similar thoughts.”
Just not about the moving on part because I didn’t imagine Nico with anyone else. Now that Connor has put the idea in my head though, I do feel a little murderous. Nico with someone else? No fucking thank you.
“I think that there is a lot of good energy here,” I say. “We’re all athletes in our elements. We’re riding a high like no other. What if what we’re feeling about these guys isn’t real? What if it’s just part of the experience?”
“You mean because we’re already happy about being here and winning?”
I’m not sure I believe that, and I hadn’t considered it until just now, but I should consider it… right?
“Yeah. What if we go home and they don’t mean as much as we think they do?”
He shakes his head. “Do you really think that?”
“No, not right now. Not with the way I feel, but the thought of leaving and never seeing him again… I’d just rather not think about it.”
“Fuck.” He groans, hiding his face in his hands. “What the hell are we going to do?”
“Guess we’re signing with Canadian teams and moving to Canada.”
He glances at me. “Don’t fuck with me, Roman. I’ll do it.”
“You’re too impulsive for your own good.”
“No, I think I’m in love.”
Love… is that how I feel? Is that what this is with Nico? Do I love him?
I love my parents, but that’s a given. It’s natural.
I love my dog. God, do I love my Taco. And not just because she’s a dog, though I am fond of most animals, but because she’s mine.
She’s special. When I went to the shelter to find a dog, she was the one I knew I had to have.
There was a connection there. I felt like I couldn’t leave without her. I knew I needed her in my life.
Like how I have a connection with Nico.
Should I compare him to my dog? No, probably not. But my affection toward him is similar. In the way that I miss him when I’m not with him. Think about him all the time. Want to hug him. Hold him. Kiss him. Want him to be home with me.
Damn…
“I think I am too.”