Chapter Twenty-Two
Nico
The medal feels heavy around my neck, and not in the good way I thought it would. It’s weighing me down because I know this means it’s the end. I did my job; I did what I wanted… I won.
Now it’s time to go home.
I walk with my team into the stadium. We’re surrounded by others, all celebrating the end of the Olympics.
We did it. We made it.
Some came out on top. Some didn’t.
Even if I didn’t have this medal, I met Roman. And that’s something… even if it isn’t going to last.
Music is blasting, people are celebrating.
I’m being pulled in every direction for pictures and questions.
Other gold medalists want photos with me, holding up our medals.
People who didn’t win want photos, and of course I accept them all.
I talk with people. Shake hands. Try to communicate with those who hardly speak English—I do my best, but I feel ridiculous when someone from France speaks to me and I can barely respond in a way that makes sense.
We end up laughing about it, and étienne comes to my rescue more than once.
“You really should have paid more attention when we were younger,” he says through his teeth as he hooks his arm in mine and pulls me away.
“Focusing isn’t easy sometimes,” I mutter.
“You understand it just fine.”
“Don’t really have a choice when Mémé and Pépé are screaming at me to do things.”
He sighs, weaving me through people. They smile, wave, stop us for photos.
I love it.
It all just feels a little empty today.
“You’re in your element. How will you go home and go back to being boring?”
“I won a gold medal, étienne. You can never call me boring again.”
“Maybe not, but you will always be my little Rabat-joie.”
He scruffs my hair and I shove him away. We laugh as we continue through the crowd.
“Where is your hockey player?” he whispers.
I shrug. “Don’t know.”
“As if you’re not thinking about it.”
“Oh, I didn’t say that. I’ve been looking for him since we got here.”
“They’re tall—it’s not like they can hide.”
“This is a good point, yet…” I rise up on my tippy toes to look around, but there are so many people it’s hard to see—and most of them seem to be taller than me.
“Who are you looking for?” a girl with a matching Canadian jacket asks. I think she’s on the ski team.
“USA hockey,” étienne says.
“Oh, I think I saw some hockey players that way.” She points behind us. “May have been Slovakia though. The colors are similar.”
“Thank you,” étienne says, then turns to me. “Worth a shot.”
We head in the general direction of where we were told to go, and sure enough… there’s a whole group of hockey players, including—
“There’s your man.”
I shove étienne. “Don’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s okay if you like him more than just a fling.”
“It’s not,” I say. “Because this is ending.”
étienne sighs. “Yeah, tell me about it…”
I narrow my eyes at him. “In the same boat?”
“Meh.” He waves me off.
But I know what that means.
Yes. He’s in the same boat, and there is someone he’s going to miss too.
étienne and I make our way over to what looks like the entire USA hockey team. Roman’s friend Connor spots us first.
“Hey!” he shouts. “It’s gold medalist Nico Laurent!”
The guys turn and start to clap. I do a little bow, smiling at them all as they congratulate me.
“How does it feel?” Connor asks.
“Indescribable,” is what I go with.
“Yeah, maybe we’ll know the feeling one day,” he says, hanging his head.
“You guys played a great game,” étienne adds. “Silver is nothing to sneeze at.”
“But it’s no gold,” another player adds.
“You made it here. That’s something,” I say.
“That’s what I’ve been telling them,” Roman says, giving me a soft smile.
There’s no way that the way I’m looking at him doesn’t give away my feelings, but I don’t care about that. And judging by the way he isn’t pulling his gaze from me, I don’t think he does either.
“Are you leaving tomorrow, Nico?” Connor asks.
“Yes, I am. You?”
“Yep, most of us leave in the morning. Sucks. Really fucking sucks.”
I nod. “I can agree with that.”
I look at Roman, who now looks sad. I know that feeling too.
“But!” Connor adds, clapping his hands. “We have tonight to celebrate! One more night in Vancouver!”
The guys whoop and cheer. Except for Roman. He just keeps staring at me.
étienne and I mingle with them through the speeches and performances.
The energy is joyful but bittersweet.
We did it.
But now it’s time to go.
As the night dwindles down, it gets more emotional. We pass people hugging and crying, no doubt not wanting to leave new friends they made. It’s easy to connect with people here, with people so much like you, but when it’s time to leave, and you live in other countries, well, that’s not so easy.
When the flame is extinguished, I can’t stop staring at it. Not until I feel a burn on the side of my face and turn to see that Roman has been watching me the entire time.
He steps closer, brushing my arm with his.
“Stay with me tonight?” he asks, almost pleading.
I force a smile. “Planned on it, Big Guy.”
His smile is small and sad.
“Let’s go get some food!” Connor shouts.
He’s always shouting. Always so loud.
How do people deal with me when I act like that?
“You hungry?” Roman asks.
“Not really, but I’ll go if you are.”
He nods and we turn to follow the rest of the crowd.
Buses are waiting to bring us back to the Village, and the energy goes with us.
Happy but with a lingering sadness. We all know there isn’t much time left. And each step I take, each second that passes, that realization hits me a little harder… right in the chest.
Until I feel like I can’t breathe at all.
I’m grateful when Roman calls it a night, telling Connor he’s going to the room. Connor gives him a knowing look, like he understands what he’s saying, and I wonder for a quick moment if he knows about us.
If so, I’m not mad about it. Maybe I like knowing that someone knows what we’ve been up to…
Connor did burst into the room the other morning, but I wasn’t sure he’d noticed me. I was half buried under Roman.
“I’m going to stay too,” étienne says, looking at me carefully.
“Okay…” I say, feeling a little confused. I don’t know if he’s saying it that way because he wants me to stay too or if he’s just letting me know. “I’m not,” I add.
“Oh, I figured,” étienne says. “Just wanted to let you know…”
“Uh huh…” I glance at Connor, who quickly looks away and smiles at the nearest person, acting like he was in on their conversation the entire time.
Roman and I don’t hide the fact that we are leaving together, but we also don’t make it obvious. We don’t hold hands and he doesn’t have his arm around my shoulders, though I do wonder what that would be like.
I’ve been with guys before, had quick boyfriends, but never someone to go public with. It was mostly high school flings that meant nothing.
Could Roman and I go public with this? My league is more open with things like that. But hockey players? Is Roman willing to deal with the backlash?
What would it feel like to hold his hand in public and walk by tons of people? I’d love it. Absolutely eat up the attention, I know that. But him? Roman is more private than me. Would it bother him? Is he even out?
We walk in silence to his building, and when we’re in the elevator, just the two of us, I slip my hand into his, linking our fingers. He looks down at me.
“Is this okay?” I ask.
He squeezes my hand, a small but sweet smile crossing his face.
“Yes.”
We walk hand-in-hand to his room. He lets us in, never dropping my hand, and then we get inside, locking the door behind us.
It feels emptier than usual. I can’t stay the night, though I’d love to. I have to pack all my things and prepare for my early flight.
Because it is early. Too early. I should have stayed another day.
But I hadn’t intended on meeting someone who would make me want to stay.
Coming here, I thought I’d win the gold then want to go home.
And part of me does—I miss my parents and my grandparents, but a bigger part of me hates the idea of leaving Roman.
We may never see each other again.
Is that what he wants?
I can’t bring myself to ask or bring up the topic.
I realize, right this very second, that I’ve been avoiding it.
Because I’m afraid of the answer. If we part ways without saying a word maybe that means it won’t end.
Maybe it means, that somehow, we could find each other again without ending it.
If we say goodbye, that means we’re done, and I’m not ready for that.