Chapter 19
I move my finger down the photograph, careful with it now that I’ve taken it out of the protective sheeting.
The grand opening of the very first Velvet Whisper.
Geo by my side, his double-breasted suit looking older than him now.
He’s smiling, facing me, pride in his gaze as I face the camera, chin tipped up, wearing my own proud smile.
That was such a good night.
I replace the photo in the album and flop back against the couch, unsure of what I’m even doing. With my drink handy, I grab and finish it, noticing a different photo as I set my empty glass down.
This one is a family photo, one of the four of us, the mantle providing our backdrop.
A fire burns inside the hearth, and I still remember the heat on the back of my calves as we waited for the photographer to get ready.
Katherine is smiling, her fingers in Kat’s hair, the other hand resting pridefully on Cade’s shoulder.
My arm is around Katherine, and I’m literally just admiring her, basking at her profile.
I remember every second of that day, from the sizzle of bacon cooking on the stove that morning while Katherine made breakfast, the slam of Kat’s foot on the hardwood when Cade teased her for wearing a dress, the lilies in the vase on the coffee table, her perfume–warm vanilla.
I remember all of it, even though it was twenty years ago.
That night was when Katherine first told me she wasn’t feeling well. This photograph perfectly encapsulates the happiness of before. Moments before, even, because after this was taken, the kids, then four and six, ran off to play, leaving us alone.
“Ford, I didn’t think I needed to mention this but… my head has been hurting and I can’t seem to shake it,” she’d said. I got her four aspirin, and while I shook the bottle into my trembling palm, somehow, I swear, I knew.
The next day we were in the ER, and nine weeks later, she was gone.
I slide the photo back in, and take another out from a different album.
This one is Kat on the day of her 8th grade graduation, with a pimply-awkward Cade at her side.
They’re smiling, and looking at their adolescent, crooked smiles makes my chest tight.
In photos, I can see Katherine in both of the kids, but now, as they’ve matured, it takes a certain angle sometimes, or it takes me a moment to overlay her in my mind.
I hate that she has faded, as much as I’ve tried to preserve her.
But I know that’s life. And that life, both beautifully and painfully, goes on.
My eyes veer back to the family photo, the one in front of the fireplace. That night was the last time I felt whole, until the night at Juliette’s apartment.
I close that particular album, and refill one of my empty glasses, switching from cognac to whiskey. In the distance, there’s a noise. Perhaps a knocking, or maybe a thudding. I can’t be sure, and right now, I don’t care.
I finish the whiskey and go for another.
Being the owner of alcohol drinking establishments, trying varieties of booze is part of the job.
Tasting and curating the perfect collection to represent Velvet Whisper and its considerable call-back to the roaring twenties is actually a large part of each location coming together.
All of this preamble is to say, me sitting in front of a table with several open bottles and a few finished drinks is not alarming.
Me sitting in front of a table with several open bottles and a few finished drinks with family photo albums out and spread open everywhere is alarming.
And that’s the exact reaction Cade and Kat have when they pop in on me late Wednesday night.
“Elle?” Cade calls, because to be fair, she’s here often.
I think about that. She is usually here. If I were Juliette, how would I perceive that fact? Then again, Juliette has been around for a long time. She’s seen me and Elle together for years. She must know that it’s just platonic. Yet Elle was a point of concern for her.
“She’s not here,” I shout to be heard over the top of the blaring in my brain, when Cade appears in the doorway, one finger is stuffed in his ear, ringing it. “Just me. And hello, son.”
Kat comes around the corner, taking a spot at her brother’s side. She shoves her hands in her pockets, nodding at the albums splayed out. “What’s going on here?”
I run my fingers through my hair, pulling at the ends, eyes aching from staring at so many photos for so long. “Thinking, I guess.” I lean to the side of the couch, over the arm, peering around the corner, expecting Zennie. “Where’s Zennie?” I ask, the two simple words slurring together.
Kat steps down, into the living room, taking a seat across from me, and Cade joins her.
“Core family talk,” Kat states plainly. Cade peers at his sister, his usual scowl a bit softer than usual. “Zen is core,” he says in defense of Kat’s wife, which earns him a heavy eyeroll from his sister.
“Of course she is, what I mean is, let’s spare Dad the embarrassment of having this talk in front of Zennie and I’ll just tell her every detail when I get home. There, is that better, Mr. Type A?” she chastises with a sigh. Then her mossy eyes, lined with onyx, come to mine.
“Just standing up for Zen,” Cade adds, and at this point, even through the alcohol-induced haze, I’m fairly certain he’s just trying to get under her skin because brothers. We’re all the same.
She cuts a glare his way. “Moving forward,” she says, refocusing on me. “Juliette. What you feel, is it genuine?”
My mouth goes dry at the mention of her name.
I don’t know how to make them understand this intense pull to Juliette without ripping off a Band-Aid I was sure was never coming off.
Sliding to the edge of the couch, resting my drink on the table and my elbows on my knees, I inhale a steadying breath. Here goes.
“Juliette has quietly had my attention for years. But I never allowed myself to explore those feelings because of you,” I tell Kat, who bounces one knee, listening intently.
“I never wanted to be interested in your best friend. And for years, I told myself that I wasn’t.
But… something shifted between us at the cake tasting.
” I don’t know how else to explain it, and I don’t want to be vulgar, but at the same time, it’s important to me that they understand the best they can.
“I have to be honest with you both.” I look between them, and hate that they look so worried. Sweat peppers my forehead and I swipe at it, cautioning a glance at both of my kids before I admit something that only Elle and Geo are aware of.
“The night of your wedding, something happened between me and Juliette on the balcony after the reception.” The tension has left their shoulders, Cade’s face has softened, but Kat’s gaze is still pinched and skeptical.
“She fought with her boyfriend that night. She was so upset and I just–I couldn’t force myself to hold back another second and I’ve never been a man to make a move on someone in a relationship but–”
“What happened?” Kat asks, cutting through my preamble.
“I kissed her,” I admit, “and…” omitting the rest of what happened on the balcony, “it felt so unreal. The chemistry and electricity. Just–it was so real.” I pause, and nearly smile when I remember her ruddy cheeks and the way the moonlight sparkled along her hair and in her eyes.
“Anyway, she left. And I couldn’t keep myself away from her.
I went to her apartment,” I admit, rubbing the back of my head with one palm as my mind grows swimmy.
“It’s not even just the chemistry we have,” I explain to them, thinking of the moment I asked if I could look at her, the way her skin went flush, and the way my heart knotted up in return.
“I’ve never wanted another partner after your mother. But I see it with Juliette.”
Cade looks at his sister, taking a pulse. Kat remains stoic, her leg no longer bouncing. “What happened?” Kat presses. I love her for being so protective of Juliette.
“We didn’t–well, I couldn't go through with it because…of what I started to feel. I got scared.” I hold my head in my hands for a moment to prevent my world from spinning out of control. “I left, and she didn’t deserve that, and I want her so much, and I fucked it all up.”
Cade’s brow now furrows. He drags his hand over his mouth. “Dad,” he starts, and my chest tightens. “I’ve never heard you talk about anyone like this.”
Kat blinks at me. “You started to feel scared,” she repeats my words, slowly, trying to parse them out and find sense in them. “What does that mean?”
I clear my throat and meet her eyes. We’re a family, sure, but we’re all adults.
They can handle this. “When Juliette was in my arms,” I say, holding my arms out, envisioning that backless dress and those full thighs.
“I felt the magic that I shared with Katherine. I felt it all, all over again, and it shocked me. I’d figured all these years I was interested in her because she’s gorgeous.
I had no idea I’d discover that she feels like home, just like Katie did. ”
Cade doesn’t say anything, and the fire dances in his glasses as I wait for Kat to process, to say something, anything.
“At first I told myself to ignore the feelings, that the risk can’t be worth it.
I mean if it didn’t work, it would jeopardize your friendship.
But now…” I shake my head and Cade nudges me a glass of water, which I sip.
“I realized, Juliette has brought out a part of me that has been dormant for years.”
“What part is that?” Kat asks, not quite condescending, but certainly not friendly.
I look between them again. “Intimacy.” Heat flares around the collar of my shirt.