Chapter 19 #2
She rolls her eyes. “Me, Cade, and the entire population of San Francisco have had to bear witness to you dating every single woman under thirty years of age for the last fifteen years. Please. Spare me. If you want my blessing, you can’t bullshit me.
Us.” She hooks a thumb between her and her brother.
I nod my head, realizing how unbelievable it sounds. And I hope neither of them have to live through the loss of a spouse, and that they never have to rediscover their ability to be intimate, to be a lover.
“Actually, after Mom,” I explain, “I didn’t sleep with anyone.”
Kat rolls her eyes. But Cade. Cade isn’t disbelieving, I can see it in his eyes. He’s cataloging what he’s seen, running it against what he knows, and because his emotions aren’t as tied to this like Kat, he’s reasonable. He knows I’m telling the truth.
“You haven’t slept with anyone since Mom, until Juliette?” he confirms.
I shake my head. “No. I’ve kept company in other ways because I am a human being with needs, but as far as taking that final step, well, Juliette has been the first since your mother.”
Cade cocks his head. “You said you couldn’t go through with it.”
“I couldn’t. But unfortunately, we were pretty far into the process when I realized that I couldn’t.” I don’t know how else to word it, and I refuse to disrespect Juliette.
“If Juliette makes you feel so complete, why couldn’t you?” Kat shakes her head. “That part I don’t get.”
I pour myself a bit more whiskey and take a slow sip.
My head is nearly at its limit, but baring my soul to my kids requires being close to the limit, I’m pretty sure.
“I knew that if she didn’t return that sentiment that something great, full of longevity is between us that I’d be broken, and despite all I have, it’s taken me years to be whole again.
” I shake my head, happy they cannot relate.
“I know it’s probably hard for you both to understand but I loved your mother with my entire heart and soul.
And I got this feeling in my chest when I was around her, and I felt that around Juliette, that night, and it scared me.
If I fall in love with another woman and make a new home with her, I don’t know.
That just… feels so wrong to Katie.” I shrug.
“I know life goes on. I know pairing again would be normal. But after all this time and all these years of celibacy–”
“I still can’t believe that,” Kat says, but I know she isn’t implying that I’m lying. She’s just turning it over in her mind, I can tell. “You really never wanted to do that with another woman?”
I finish the last of my drink, and reach for my glass of water, because as fun as drowning my sorrows is, my run tomorrow will be absolute shit if I don’t hydrate.
“I’ve wanted to do that five times a day, every day, but no, I’ve never wanted to do that with another woman.
” Stroking a hand down my chin, coated in a day’s worth of growth, I tell them the rest. “Until Juliette. But now she’s not talking to me. ”
Kat’s face flames. “I’m really trying not to feel betrayed here,” she says.
“I never meant to do anything behind your back, Kat. That’s why I brought the subject to you first, before I even spoke with Juliette about her and I.”
She swallows, tucking hair behind her ear, which in hard conversations is the equivalent of Juliette twisting her thumb ring when she’s nervous. “That’s fair.” She takes a moment to think, rubbing the toes of her black boots together. “She feels the same? About you?”
I roll my lips together, trying hard not to replay her partial admission on the sidewalk that day at Nineteen20, and trying even harder not to recall our conversation at her place.
My chest is already so tight. “I think so, but what she expressed to me is that she doesn’t want to spend her life being jealous, and that’s where things between us ended. That was a few days ago.”
“You know, Juliette, along with the rest of the world, thinks you’ve slept with a third of the city. Did you mention the whole celibacy thing?” Cade offers, giving his phone a glance before stuffing it into his pocket.
I shake my head. “I haven’t.”
Kat blinks at me, studying and curious. “Forgive her for not wanting to jump into a relationship with a womanizer.”
“I’m not–” I start, but Kat rolls her eyes.
“I know. Now. But now you need to tell her.”
My hopes lift. “You’d be okay with us? I mean, if she feels the same way, that is. If I can explain to her what happened that night, and explain to her how I feel, if she wants to be with me, is that okay with you?” My nostrils flare as I drag my hand over my forehead.
Another eye roll. But it’s a good one, thank fuck. “I can’t say I’m cool just yet,” she says, finally relaxing into the couch, “I love Juliette. And if she’s been hiding this epic crush on you and wants to be with you too, I’m an asshole if I say no.”
“You can say you need more time.”
Settled for just a moment, she gets to her feet, moves around the table, and comes to rest at my side on the couch. The brush of her arm against me ignites a flurry of emotion, and the booze isn’t helping. I glance at my son to find a scowl, which tempers my senses for the moment.
“I don’t want to say no,” Kat admits, her voice softening.
“I was just… caught off guard. I’ve never seen even a hint of something between you two.
I mean, no lingering looks, no aside moments or giggles or…
anything. And now, out of nowhere… She's the one?” She shakes her head, a disbelieving laugh escaping her lips.
“But, she’s incredible. Absolutely fucking stunning, inside and out.
” A warm smile curves her mouth. “Though I’m guessing you’ve already figured that out. ”
My own smile comes easily, a quiet swell of pride blooming in my chest for the remarkable adults my children have become. “There was never anything to see,” I admit, my voice low, steady. “I wouldn’t let myself look at her that way. Not once. Not until the cake tasting.”
Kat snorts, rolling her eyes with usual mock exasperation. “Of course. Fucking cake. It’s always the sugar that melts every last bit of resistance.”
Just then, Cade’s phone buzzes to life on the coffee table. Color floods his cheeks in an instant, turning the tips of his ears a telling crimson.
“Who’s that?” Kat asks, her brows furrowing in curiosity. I feel the same questioning pull–who could rattle my steadfast, rule-abiding son like this? The professor who lives by structure and control, blushing like a teenager? It’s a rare sight, one that tugs at something protective in me.
Cade flicks his gaze to the screen, before pushing to his feet without a word. He slips out of the living room and into the butler’s pantry, seeking privacy. “No one,” he murmurs over his shoulder as he goes. “I’ll be right back.”
I have no right to pry, not when my own heart is tangled in its own mess, but with the three of us so tightly knit, secrets never stay buried long. I shoot Kat a sidelong glance, arching a brow. “No one?”
Kat shrugs. “One Mercer man at a time.” She smiles as she flips through a photo album, and the two of us reminisce for a few peaceful minutes before she faces me again.
“You need to talk to Juliette. If she does feel the same, I want her to be happy. She’s been miserable for a long time and she deserves a good guy. ”
I place a hand over my heart, touched. “That’s me?” I know I'm a good guy, but knowing that my daughter categorizes me as such would be such a good hit for my ego right now. And I’ll admit it, the “speakeasy king” needs a boost after the last few days.
She smiles. “I want to roll my eyes, but I’m not going to because I want you to know I’m serious. Go for her. But tell her the truth. She needs to know.” She rears back, analyzing me for a moment. “Why didn’t you tell her already?”
Shaking my head, I tell her the truth. “I am an idiot where Juliette is concerned. I just keep fucking it up.”
Kat pats my back. “You must really like her. I was like that around Zennie for a while, too.”
I nod. “And don’t be upset with her for any of this, okay? I’ve initiated it all. I’m not just saying that, either, Kat. Really.”
Kat gets to her feet just as Cade returns, his neck full on cherry red. “I’ve gotta go,” he announces, crossing the room to give me a hug.
“I’ll call you this week,” he says, then they leave. And I wonder– what’s going on with Cade?
But first things first. I dial Juliette’s number, and wait.