Chapter 7
SEVEN
LEIJA
I woke up abruptly, my body relaxed as the peaceful blue glow of the strange sun filtered in through the window.
The strange quality of the light snapped me to full awakeness, a sudden awareness of everything that had happened, the events of the night before slamming into my conscious mind with an undeniable force.
Did I really do that, or did I dream that?
Was I really that kind of woman? I'd never done anything like that before, not to a stranger, anyone.
I wasn't inexperienced, but I certainly had never shoved my hand down a guy's pants like that.
The few partners I had before had all been the kind that did all the initiating, and I had just gone along with it. It was a first for me.
First time seeing aliens. First time being abducted. First time running for my life.
First time grabbing a guy by the junk.
I covered my face with my hands at the sudden surge of embarrassment, shame, and a strange sense of pride.
I shouldn't have touched him like that without his consent, but last night, his weird snarling and snapping had scared me.
He was holding me too tightly, his claws were pricking me in a way that was starting to hurt, and I didn't know what to do. I couldn’t get to my knife, which I had still tucked in the pocket of the jacket he had given me.
I had been scared but also turned on by how his body felt against mine, all hard and muscular.
I had felt his desire pressed up against me, and I didn't know if I wanted to scream and fight or spread my legs and surrender.
My options had flashed through my mind.
There was no way I could fight him; he was huge and had claws and teeth and was acting like he was thinking about tearing me apart, even as he had shifted his hips against me like he was thinking of fucking me.
He had been dry humping me, and though I'd been aroused, I also needed it to stop, to pause for a moment so I could catch my breath and not just sleep with him out of a desire-slicked fear.
Just because the human body had a natural arousal response to protect against injury, didn't mean I was actually ready to fuck a hot, growly, alien.
So I did the first thing that came to mind.
I grabbed his junk. I wasn't sure if I was trying to seduce him, take charge, or threaten him, but I grabbed it anyway. As I gripped him, feeling that the thing between his legs felt far more compatible than I was expecting…. I don’t know what possessed me, but my feelings changed from fear to power to desire in the flash of a second.
In taking control of him, everything about the situation changed.
When I dug my nails into him, it was a choice born from the twisted conflict of my feelings.
The sound of pain that had come from his mouth, cutting off his growling, had made me feel powerful.
I was scared, in an alien land, and I threatened to rip off the balls of the first guy who helped me.
And it had turned me on.
I had gone from scared and titillated to fully turned on and one hundred percent down to see just how compatible we were in the span of a few seconds, so I had lightened my touch, exploring him, giving room for what I thought he had been trying to initiate.
I was a few heartbeats away from climbing on top of him and seeing just how far I wanted to take it.
But he had said no.
Not just once, but multiple times before I realized what he was saying.
Shame rushed through me at the memory. He hadn't wanted that. Maybe growling in his society was friendly, and he was trying to be pleasant or soothing, something like that, and I just sexually assaulted him by shoving my hand down his pants without warning. He must think I was a grade A freak.
I took a deep breath, my negative self thoughts flooding me.
What was that thing I’d read on an internet forum a few weeks ago? Whenever feeling a moment of shame or negative vibes about something I’d done in the past, to take a moment and try to feel love for myself.
I exhaled slowly, took another deep breath, focusing on building a sensation of warmth in my chest. I repeated the words silently in my mind.
I love myself for who I am. I love myself for who I was at that moment, even if it isn’t what I would do today.
I accept myself and will strive to make the choices that serve my community and me.
I learn from my mistakes and compost those moments in my memories so that my future choices can grow from that rich, healthy soil.
I took another deep breath and let the twisting feelings in my chest give way to warmth and acceptance. I couldn't change what I had done, but I could change how I acted in the future.
Besides, he had been growling and rubbing against me and clung to me, even after I dug my nails into him. I shouldn't be so hard on myself for not asking for consent when he hadn't either.
I peeked out between my fingers.
Across the room was a completely empty spot.
I sat up, the blanket slipping from my shoulders, and blinked into the dim morning light.
I was alone.
A knot of unease twisted low in my stomach.
Had I upset him so much that he abandoned me, ditching me the first moment he got?
That shame rushed back up just for a moment before the front door creaked open.
Eun stepped inside, balancing a paper bag and a large box in his arms. He caught sight of me and stopped mid-step, his tail snaking out around him to reach for me.
A wash of pale purple bloomed across his cheeks, visible against the stark white medusa hair that bordered his bare skin, and he quickly dropped his gaze to the floor.
"Eun, I'm sorry," I said.
"No sorry," he said as he crossed to the center of the room and sank down, folding his legs beneath him. He leaned forward slightly, setting the bag and box gently within my reach, like an offering.
He said several words that included the word ‘you’ while gesturing at the two containers.
I got out of bed, sitting down across from him on the floor.
I reached out and grabbed the paper bag.
I opened it, the savory smell of warm bread hitting my face with enough force to make me salivate.
I reached in and pulled out a roll stuffed with dried tomatoes and other things.
There was a second roll in the bag, so I leaned forward, setting the bag back in front of Eun as I took a bite.
It didn't taste exactly like the bread I was used to, with a slightly sour flavor that was pleasant but strange, and the tomatoes were more like raspberry jam with a hint of chocolate.
Still, it was delicious, and there was no burning or tingling in my mouth, so I ate it.
He joined me in eating.
I licked the crumbs off my fingers before I turned to the next box.
“I open, yes?” I asked him, struggling to find the words. I interlaced his alien language with my own, trying to find a way to speak with a flow. I would figure it out. I would learn.
He said something that also ended in the word yes.
I grabbed the box and opened it.
Inside were several sets of clothing, undergarments, and a brand new pair of shoes.
I had been prepared to wear my one set of clothes out and about again, but apparently, he had gone out in the morning and shopped for me.
They were basic, just shirts and comfortable pants, but I could tell they would fit me as I held one of the shirts up to my chest. There was also a hairbrush, and what I hoped was a toothbrush, given its size, but with a funny-shaped handle with finger indents.
“Thank you,” I told him, giving him a bright smile.
He said something that included the words work, and something that sounded like a question involving the word key.
“I have my key if that is what you are asking,” I said, going over to the jacket he had lent me. I dug into the pocket and pulled out the room key.
He nodded and rose to his feet, not taking the key from me but instead gathering up the empty box and bag, then said something about work again.
“Wait!” I reached out and touched his forearm.
His entire body stiffened, and his tail reached out to snake around my waist, tugging on me like it was trying to pull me closer. He looked at my hand, then back at me, then back at my hand, but he didn’t say anything. He just reached down with his other hand and pulled his tail away from me.
“I with you? Can I,” I pointed at myself as I continued to intersperse the few words I knew with my own language. “Go to work?”
“Yes,” he replied, catching his tail as it reached out for me again.
I grabbed one set of the new clothing and rushed to the bathroom. I got through my business in record time, working the knots out of my hair with a viciousness that ignored the minor pain of each tug. When I got back, the garbage was gone, and he was just standing there, waiting.
I tried on my new shoes, and they fit… perfectly.
I frowned at them.
“Did you measure my feet while I was sleeping?” I asked in my own language.
He just looked at me. There was no way he understood any of my words.
"Never mind," I said, giving him a broad, toothy smile.
His gaze focused on my mouth, and the soft movement of his tail stilled.
I picked up the bag with my workbooks, but only made it a few steps before he took it from me and headed out the door.
I followed him. We took the more direct path to the noodle shop he worked at, and I stayed close to him as we walked through the crowds, just as I had the day before.
As I settled down at the table closest to the kitchen, I felt something settling inside me.
I was going to be okay.