Chapter Five
The morning after was cruel. I woke not so much with a headache as an ache through my entire body—a thud behind my eyes from all the wine and scotch, but also something more: the heavy, leaden sensation that comes from hearing something that can’t be unheard.
My husband, lying next to me with his arm draped across my waist, wanted to be with other women.
Not just wanted, but needed. Needed other women to dull the pain that I, his wife, couldn’t give him children.
He’d said it to my face: that this was the only way to somehow steer himself back to me, to love me as he had loved me before.
There was something odd and heartbreaking about waking up in his arms—it had been ages since he’d held me through the night. Was this really what it took? Releasing him to the appetite of strangers, just to catch these battered, leftover scraps of affection come morning?
I loved him, but the whole thing burned me up inside.
I pressed myself out from under his arm, careful not to wake him. Cold floor under my feet; I slipped into house shoes and padded downstairs.
The glass of water I gulped from the kitchen was painfully cold. I didn’t care. I chased it with two painkillers. Then I started on coffee. Anything to scrape the fuzz from my mind.
At least it was a weekday and Cam would have work soon. Lately, I’d missed him so much, but right now? I needed time to think.
Could I really do this? Did I even want to? How would I live knowing what he was out doing? How could I take him into my body and pretend that part of him wasn’t now parceled out to strangers? The part that, for so long, I’d called my own?
I breathed in the comfort of fresh coffee. At least some things still worked as they always had.
I heard Cam’s footsteps from the stairs and, before he even entered the kitchen, poured him a mug alongside mine.
“Good morning, beautiful.” He took a seat at the bar.
He hadn’t even bothered to get dressed for work yet.
“Aren’t you going to be late? You didn’t even run this morning.”
He looked at me, his expression unreadable, as I slid his plain black coffee in front of him and drowned mine in creamer.
“I can be a little late,” he said. “It’s not as if I haven’t put in enough overtime the past few weeks.”
I raised an eyebrow, settling onto the stool. “Have you?” There was a sharpness in my voice that surprised even me.
“Yes, Livi, I have,” Cam said, clipped and impatient. “I told you already, I haven’t cheated on you. Those texts are as far as it went, I give you my word.”
“Sure, you didn’t cheat,” I said flatly. “You’re just waiting for my blessing to get started.”
He took a sip and flinched at the temperature, but didn’t say anything about it.
“I’m going to ignore your attitude, because I know you’re hurting.
What I’m asking—it’s not fair, but I need it.
It’s the only thing that might bring us back to ourselves.
Please just think about it, Livi. Don’t say no before you’ve thought it over. ”
“And if I do say no? You’ll leave me so you can go fuck other people?”
He shook his head vehemently. “I’d never leave you. You’re my heart, Livi. I wouldn’t survive without you. I just need to get this out of my system, and then we’ll go back to normal.”
“How long am I supposed to just sit here and wait while you sow your wild oats?”
“Don’t talk like that. I don’t know how long. Maybe once, twice, and I’ll see it’s not really what I wanted. Right now, though, I need to feel alive again, Livi. Everything’s just felt so dead.”
“Do you think this hasn’t been hard for me?” My voice went too loud, sudden and thin. “Maybe I didn’t dream of a huge family, but I wanted it, too. I wanted you to be happy, and I can’t even do that for you. And now you’re telling me I’m not enough.”
A tear edged down my face; Cam was up in an instant, arms around me.
“You are enough, Livi. I’m sorry it sounds like you’re not, but you are. I just need… something to shake me out of this. It’ll mean nothing, I swear. I only love you.”
“It will mean something to me.”
He stroked the back of my head, pressing his cheek against my hair.
“I know. If I could fix that part, I would. We’ll make rules, okay?
Just… spend today making a list of what you can and can’t live with.
I’ll make one, too. We’ll talk it over tonight, see if we can make it as bearable as possible. ”
He sounded so certain that I’d give in, as if he already saw my answer written across my face. Because he knew the only other option. And he knew I couldn’t leave him. If he was my heart, he was also my weakness, my everything.
“I have to get to work. Take the day, think it over. I don’t want you telling people about this, but you can tell Rachel. You’ll need someone. Just make sure she knows to keep quiet, okay baby?”
I nodded, hardly able to process anything beyond his body heat clinging to me. I’d been starved for touch for so long—the tiniest gesture was enough to unravel me.
“Make your list; let Rachel help if you want. I’ll come home at five and we’ll talk it through over dinner.” He let go and the cold rushed in. I turned my back and sipped my coffee, trying to collect myself.
He lingered, just looking at me with an expression I couldn’t read.
“You should go, or you’ll be really late.”
He sighed. “Yeah. See you tonight.”
When he’d gone, I let my forehead drop to the countertop and just stayed there, trying to memorize the way the world felt, because everything was about to change.
∞∞∞
Rachel swept through the door around noon, a bottle of wine dangling from one hand.
“I’m not sure I can keep up with you today,” I said, clutching my stomach. “Still recovering from last night.”
She grinned as she walked into the living room and set the bottle on the coffee table. “So? What did Cam say when you confronted him? Did he cry? Grovel? Did you threaten divorce and he begged you to stay with all his money?”
I managed a laugh and sank onto the couch. “Worse, actually.”
“Worse how? What’s worse than cheating?”
“It wasn’t cheating,” I said. “He… he wants to open our marriage.”
She stared at me a good three seconds before exploding. “WHAT? You’re kidding.”
“Nope,” I said, resting my head on the back of the couch. “I wish I was.”
The silence between us was heavy. Finally, I huffed and got up. “On second thought, maybe I do need wine.”
Rachel looked delighted. She twisted the cap off her grocery store bottle (of course she’d choose a screw top), and poured us each a glass.
It smelled like syrup but I didn’t care; I downed mine and poured another.
“Slow down, Livi—I’ll have to coax you off the ceiling.”
“Just trying to survive.” I slumped back, glass in hand. “It’s been… hell.”
Rachel sipped. “So, what’s the story? Why an open marriage?”
“He says flirting with women makes him feel alive. He thinks sleeping with others will somehow get him back to his old self.”
Rachel looked unimpressed. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Maybe he just wants to screw around.”
I almost laughed. “You’re probably right. I don’t know if it’s some kind of early midlife crisis or what. But I feel trapped. If I say no, I honestly think he’ll just cheat. So it’s either agree, or divorce him.”
Rachel nodded, thinking this through. “You don’t want to divorce him.”
“No, but I also don’t want this.”
She took another drink. “It means the marriage is open both ways, right? Like—you could see other people?”
I shrugged. “He knows I wouldn’t.”
Rachel grinned at me. “Maybe you should try it. You’ve only ever been with Cam. Who knows—you might end up liking the options.”
I shook my head, thinking about it for only a second. “I’m not wired that way. I need… connection. I’ve never wanted someone just for a night.”
She shrugged. “If you go through with it, you ought to keep your options open. Gives you leverage, at least.”
“He told me to make a list of rules. Non-negotiables, basically.”
Rachel perked up. She darted into the kitchen and came back with my shopping list notebook and a pen. “Okay, rule one! If you even decide to go through with this, I mean.”
I slumped on the couch. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“No kissing?” Rachel said.
I nearly laughed. “If he’s going to have sex with these women, you really think there won’t be any kissing?”
She wagged her finger at me. “If Julia Roberts can have a no kissing rule in Pretty Woman, then so can you.”
The image flashed across my mind: Cam’s mouth pressed to another woman’s. The pain was immediate, cold and sharp as a paper cut.
“Okay then,” I said, voice thin. “No kissing.”
Rachel jotted it down. “What else?”
“One night a week, max,” I said after thinking. “If this is about putting our marriage first, then most nights should be for us.”
Rachel nodded. “That’s good. One night a week for him, the rest for you.”
“Protection. Always.” I said.
“Absolutely,” Rachel chimed in, scribbling the rule. “And periodic STD screens. No chances.”
It was surreal, making rules about how my husband would sleep around. I let the next one come out in a rush: “No one we both know. I couldn’t face anyone knowing she’d been with Cam.”
Rachel nodded, pen tapping against her lips. “No repeat flings, either? I mean, no emotional attachments.”
I snorted. “Definitely. And no Lacey. If he so much as tries it with her, I’m done. She already thinks she has something special with him. That’d be unbearable.”
“Alright, that’s seven rules already. Anything else?”
I shook my head, feeling exhausted. “Can’t believe I’m even discussing this.”
Rachel offered a gentle smile. “You know you could always stay at my place if you need out. Seriously, you’d be welcome for as long as it takes.”
I nearly teared up. “I’d be lost without you, Rach.”
She just grinned across her glass. “And if you ever decide to try the open part yourself, I’ll help you out. We could even double-date. But—not together, obviously.”
I managed the beginnings of a laugh. As far as comfort went, Rachel was the next best thing to a blanket and warm tea.
∞∞∞
Cam was home precisely at 5:30, as if he’d been waiting his whole life for this one night.
He joined me at the table, barely sparing a glance for the food I’d worked over.
“Smells amazing, baby,” he said, “and it looks even better.”
“Thanks.” My voice was careful, distant.
He got straight to the point: “Did you have time to think it over? Rachel stopped by?”
“She did. And she thinks I should just leave you.”
His color faded a shade, and for half a moment, he looked scared. “And what do you think?”
“I can’t live without you, and you know it. That’s why you thought you could ask.”
He drank his water, eyes shining. Then he reached for my hand. “I never wanted to hurt you. I just… I don’t know what else to do.”
“What about counseling?” I asked softly, desperate for something, anything, to steer us off this road. “Will you try that, for me?”
He made a face. “Talk to some stranger about the worst parts of myself? Pass.”
“Please?” More pleading than I’d meant to show. “Just try a few sessions before we do… this?”
He shook his head. “I know how this sounds, but you’ll get used to it. We’ll have more time together; I’ll treat you better. You’ll see.”
“So there’s no point in arguing.”
“No,” he said, and I believed him.
He dug into his lasagna, but I couldn’t eat. My appetite was gone. Instead, I pulled out the notebook.
“Rachel helped with the rule list.”
He took it, read through, and nodded. “Most of these look fine.”
“Except?”
“Kissing. I just—I don’t see the point in sex without it.”
My heart thumped hard behind my ribs.
“It won’t mean anything, baby. It’s mechanical.”
I didn’t want to argue. “Any others?”
He looked again. “No Lacey?”
“Absolutely not. If it’s her, I’m done.”
He nodded, eyes serious. “Alright. No Lacey. But you don’t have to worry, Livi. No matter what happens, I’m never falling for someone else. You’re the only one for me.”
“It doesn’t feel that way when you tell me you need other women to be happy.”
He exhaled, and his shoulders slumped. “It’ll make sense once things are better. I just need a push to feel normal again.”
I wanted to shout that I deserved a faithful husband. But this was the most he’d talked to me in months, and I couldn’t risk breaking the fragile thread between us.
He reviewed the rest of the rules. “One night a week? Thursdays, maybe. That way we have weekends to ourselves.”
“Fine,” I said. I couldn’t muster any enthusiasm.
He hesitated over one-night stands.
“That part’s non-negotiable,” I said.
He tried to reason with me, his CEO mind ticking away. “It’s actually safer for me to have a regular. Less chance of being found out, less chance of blackmail.”
“Wow, you’ve really thought this through,” I deadpanned.
He ignored me. “It’s best for my job. So if I find someone discreet, it’s only her until I move on. Fewer people involved.”
I felt a numbness settling into my bones.
“How long will this last?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I don’t know. I’ll stop as soon as it feels right.”
And there it was—the truth of it. No true end in sight. But I’d have to go along, or lose him altogether.
“And what if I meet someone and catch feelings? What then?”
He looked almost amused. “You won’t. You love me too much for that.” He tilted his head, studying me. “Would you want to try this, too?”
I shrugged, but he saw right through me. I’d never so much as wanted to touch another man.
“Then it’s settled,” Cam said at last. “Don’t expect me home Thursday nights.”
“You won’t stay out all night?”
He shook his head. “Of course not. Overnights are for us. That won’t change.”
He wrapped his fingers through mine, his hand warm and steadying.
“I won’t talk about it,” he added. “You’ll never have to hear details.”
“Thursday is soon. How are you going to find someone on such short notice?”
“There are apps for that,” he said. “Plenty of them.”
I stared down at our empty plates, the smell of dinner thick in the air. I wondered how it was going to taste, knowing what Thursday would bring.