Chapter Nineteen #2
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stuff the guilt down.
“I know. I know it in my head, but my heart is screaming at me to stop. I’m so sorry, Nate, but I love him.
If he’s come home early because he’s finally had enough, then this is over, and we’ll go back to being friends.
At least, I hope you’ll still be willing to be friends. I’d hate to lose you.”
He leaned in, pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. “You’ll never lose me. And I’m not worried. I doubt your husband’s home because he’s ready to dissolve your arrangement.”
But I refused to give up that tiny spark of hope that maybe, maybe this was the sign things were changing.
“Go home,” Nate said, voice low. “But if you need anything, you call me. Understand? If he’s angry—or if you just need to get away—you come to me. Alright?”
I nodded. “Thank you for understanding, Nate.”
“I’m willing to wait for you, Livi. You’re worth it.”
I hugged Rachel on my way out, then got in my car, hands still shaking. The drive home was fast, streetlights blurring outside the window. Every light in our house was on when I pulled up, the brightness almost taunting.
Cam was waiting at the door, arms folded, eyes burning. “What the fuck, Livi? You didn’t respond to my calls or texts.”
“Sorry, I saw your message and just drove home,” I said, brushing past him into the living room. My purse hit the couch. I kicked off my shoes, headed straight for the bedroom.
He followed, close behind. “Why are you home so early?” I asked, not looking at him. “It’s barely nine.”
“What?” Cam’s voice rose, sharp. “I can’t come home to my wife now?”
I spun. “What’s wrong with you?”
“I came home early for you and you weren’t even here.”
“So?” I asked, slumping onto the bed, busying myself with my shoes. “You never tell me when you’re coming home early. You told me to go out on Thursdays—to stop moping around the house.”
“You didn’t tell me you were going out.” His arms crossed, tone hard.
“You didn’t ask.” I was so tired—the conversation was déjà vu. “You’re so wrapped up in your own fun, you haven’t asked what I do on Thursday nights in months. If you had, you’d know I stopped staying in by myself a while ago.”
His jaw clenched. “So where do you go?”
“I hang out with Rachel,” I said. Which was mostly true.
“Don’t lie to me, Livi. Are you fucking someone?”
I shot up from the bed, anger blooming in my chest. “I’m not lying. You’re the one out screwing God knows who. What right do you have to question me?”
“Because I can’t stand the thought of you with anyone else!” He was almost shouting now.
“Do you even hear yourself?” I yelled back, amazed at his nerve.
He raked a hand through his hair, face crumpling. “I know! I know I have no right, but I can’t help it. Just imagining you with some guy—I want to explode!”
“I wasn’t doing anything,” I said, which wasn’t totally true. If he hadn’t called, would I have stopped Nate? I honestly didn’t know.
“Stop lying to me, Livi. I’ve never lied to you—not about any of this.”
“I’m not lying,” I shot back.
“You weren’t with Rachel.”
I yanked my pajamas and underwear out of the drawer, ready to end the fight right there.
“And why do you think that?”
He hesitated, then sighed. “Because I put a tracker on your phone. I know you were in an apartment building near downtown. I know you’ve been there before on a Thursday night.
The building belongs to a friend of mine.
I called him. He gave me a list of tenants.
The name Nathaniel Porter jogged my memory.
Isn’t that the grandson you’re always taking food to?
Nate? The same Nate who was texting you at the cabin? ”
I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at him, heartbeat loud in my ears.
Finally, I said, “It’s not what you think.”
He knelt between my knees, took my hands.
“Then tell me what it is, because honestly, it’s taking everything in me not to go find him right now.
I know it’s not fair, and I know it’s not right, but I can’t stand the thought of losing you.
I know you wouldn’t just sleep with anyone.
If you are, it means there’s a real connection. He’s trying to take you away from me.”
“Can’t you see you’re doing that all by yourself?” I whispered. “This isn’t about another guy. You’re losing me, Cam.”
The pain in his eyes made my chest hurt. I just wanted to erase that look.
“I’m not sleeping with him, Cam. I was with Rachel tonight. She’s dating Nate’s friend Jackson, so we all went over to Nate’s apartment together. The guys played a game, I spent most of my time with Rachel. And we had dinner.”
“That’s it?” he asked, some of the heat draining from his voice.
That was it. Or at least, that was where I’d leave it. Maybe I wasn’t telling the full truth, not really. But it didn’t matter. I wasn’t doing anything that Cam hadn’t already been doing.
“Why are you home so early?” I said, wanting to steer the conversation in a safer direction. My voice bounced off the walls as I busied myself by stacking a few stray towels, making it seem like I had more interest in the work than in him.
He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing visibly. “Because I missed you tonight.”
“You see me every single day. We shared lunch. You literally watched me eat a sandwich a few hours ago,” I pointed out, one eyebrow raised.
“I know. It’s—I just wasn’t feeling it tonight. I was thinking about you.” He shifted his weight like he wasn’t sure if he should stand still or pace.
“You were thinking about me while you were out with another woman?” My tone was dry as toast. “Hope she didn’t notice. That’s a blow to the ego. And while we’re on odd behavior, you want to explain the tracker on my phone? What’s up with that, Cam?”
He stared at the floor, shoulders slumping.
“I know, I know. I’m terrible. At first, I told myself it was for your protection.
Just so I could check in if I got worried—you know, make sure you were safe.
But then you started those morning runs to the bookstore, and then you got that text from him at the cabin, and I just… I put two and two together.”
“So you’ve been checking my location to see if I was with Nate?” I folded my arms, waiting for the punchline.
“You spend a lot of time at that store,” he mumbled.
“Because I like it there, Cam. It’s got comfy couches, good coffee, and it keeps me from climbing the walls here.”
He winced, maybe realizing how ridiculous he sounded. “I realize that now. I was worried you were using that place to meet up with him.”
“So let me get this straight. You’re the one who asked for an open marriage, but now you’re accusing me of breaking the rules? That’s rich, Cam. Real rich.” I was done. I turned on my heel and stomped off toward the master bath.
Inside, I leaned against the tile for balance and twisted the knob on the shower, letting the water run hot while I peeled off my clothes.
His voice sounded muffled through the door. “I’m sorry, baby. I know I was being stupid. I know you’d never betray me.”
“It wouldn’t technically be betrayal if I just did what you were doing,” I called back, stepping under the spray. The water was scalding, but I welcomed it.
Suddenly, he was there. I hadn’t even heard him undress. He stepped right into the shower behind me, crowding the little space.
He sounded desperate. “But I know you wouldn’t.
” His hands found my waist, his breath warm on my neck.
“You’d never be able to sleep with another man.
I wasn’t thinking clearly, but I see it again now.
You can’t be with anyone you don’t love, and all your love is reserved for me.
I know I have your heart. That guy could never take that from me. I was being stupid, Livi.”
His lips pressed to my neck; his arms slid around my body, fingers expertly finding my clit and rubbing slow, tight circles.
A moan slipped out before I could stop it, my body arching into his touch on instinct. But then I remembered myself, remembered everything.
“Did you sleep with her tonight?” My voice was a whisper.
He shook his head. “No, baby.”
“You didn’t touch her at all?”
He paused, just barely. “I didn’t sleep with her.”
A cold trickle ran down my spine. “What did you do, then? You smell like her. I can smell her perfume.” It was a distinctly floral scent, clinging to his skin.
He exhaled, resigned. “Just oral. That’s all.”
I shuddered. “Thank God I didn’t kiss you.”
He tried again, a raspy plea in his voice. “Don’t be like that, baby. I came home to you instead of fucking her.”
I slapped his hand away. “You’re not going to touch another woman and then come home to touch me. Not in the same night. I have my limits, Cam.”
That was it. I stormed out of the shower, threw on the nearest towel. I’d just wake up early tomorrow and try again. I couldn’t even stand to look at him right now.
I found my favorite pajamas, brushed my teeth, and crawled into bed, making sure my body faced firmly away from his.
It was a long time before he came in, the mattress dipping under his weight. I kept my eyes tightly shut, pretending sleep was more important than another fight.
He leaned in close enough that I could feel the heat of his breath on my neck. “I’m going to end this, Livi. Soon, I promise. Don’t give up on me yet.”
But even as he said it, all I could feel was a silent, growing distance. Maybe I already had.