Chapter 3
Chapter
Three
Selah
Almost a week later…
For a while it hurts like hell, then with the passing days, it hurts a little less.
My grandmother’s words echoed in my head.
After I left Indiri’s hotel room a few days ago, I went to my grandmother’s house.
My intention was to spend a couple days there and sulk, but Emma Mae wasn’t going for that shit at all.
Though I didn’t tell her what was bothering me, she gave a pep talk and told me to get out of her house right after we spent time working on a crunch cake recipe.
I always found solace in baking and spending time with my grandmother.
It was something about the kitchen and the idea of exploring a new recipe that helped my heart and head.
For the most part, baking with my grandmother helped me not think about Nathanial.
But now I was in the bakery alone, preparing for the day, and I couldn’t not think about the mess between Nathanial and me.
He had finally agreed to give me the space I so desperately needed, but was that even a good idea?
Usually, I lived in the home we shared out in Westvale, but for the last few weeks, even before everything happened, I had been staying in the loft space above my bakery.
When I found out he was out of town a few days ago, I snuck out to the house and grabbed a few things and came right back here.
Who was I kidding? I grabbed a lot because honestly I didn’t know where I stood.
One minute I was planning to spend the rest of my life with this man and the next I questioned everything.
Some days I found myself wondering how many times he had actually lied to me, how many times he’d said he had something to do for work and wasn’t working at all.
My mind went to dark places, spaces that had me stalking his socials, looking at his likes and the people he followed.
His actions had me acting out of character, obsessing over social media apps I didn’t even frequent.
His cheating shattered the future I envisioned for us.
That was where I’d messed up, envisioning a future for us.
Nathanial was only out for himself and that was nothing new.
He used the fact that I chose to live a private meaningful life to do his dirt.
The most fucked up thing was that I still loved him. At least I thought I did. We had history, the type I had no interest in throwing away, and that alone made me weak.
“Hey, I don’t know what you did with that cinnamon-honeybun cake but it’s standing no chance out there. You put your foot in it, mama.” Lori, one of my employees, walked into the back kitchen with an empty silver pan in her hand.
I laughed. “I’m glad. I’m thinking about making it a regular.”
“Well, that’s a good idea.” She smiled, lingering for a while longer after she set the tray in its designated space.
I was placing my normal sugar cookies on a tray to go out for the evening. Though I closed at six, the kids got out of school around three or four and always came in for them.
I looked up from the cookies, my eyes landing on Lori lingering. “What’s wrong? Is there something you wanna talk about?”
She scratched the side of her head nervously. “Um, nothing. I wanted to check on you. You seem a little sad.”
I laughed. “Lori, I’m good. I promise.” I was lying through my teeth, but the last thing I needed was my employee in my business too. Lori was cool and all, but she was also just my employee. Boundaries were necessary.
She looked at me skeptically for a while then nodded. “You know I’m here if you need to talk, boss lady.”
I nodded. “I know. Thank you for that. Once I finish these cookies, I’m gonna cut out for the evening. Joley will be in by then.”
“Okay cool. Do you want me to take these up there and refill the tray?” She motioned toward the tray of triple fudge brownies.
“Yes, please. Those teenagers come in and only see these sugar cookies. I’m trying my hardest to get them to see something else.”
“I see. Did you really draw full and broken hearts on the brownies?”
I laughed. “I decorated them like I do the cookies.”
She joined in my laughter. “We’ll see then. I’ll let you know when I see you tomorrow.”
We made more small talk before she finally went back to the front and I could breathe. With everything going on in my life, laughing and talking was hard. The entire time it felt like I was holding my breath, like if I breathed too easy it would hurt worse.
I left the bakery about two hours later. It wasn’t until I was sitting in my car that I realized I didn’t have anywhere to go. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anywhere, but nowhere pressing. Plus, I knew if I went upstairs, I’d be lying in that damn bed crying.
My phone rang, prompting my eyes to land on the center console.
Of course it was Nathanial. Who else would it be?
For some odd reason my mind went back to the beautifully hazy night I’d spent with Indiri.
Even though I hadn’t left my number or any way to contact me, for some reason I assumed I’d see him after, or shit, at least he’d call me.
Jesus! How? That was how I knew I read too many books.
Because the hopeless romantic in me halfway wanted the one-night stand I had to pop up and be unhinged behind me.
Somewhere between daydreaming and overthinking about a man I’d probably never see again, my phone had stopped ringing. It was ringing again now, and once again, Knockout was calling.
Annoyance coursed through me. I thought he knew the meaning of space, but he didn’t. He thought not calling for a day was giving me space. Now I guessed he wanted to talk. Shit, did I want to talk? No, but I had questions that would probably make this even worse.
I pursed my lips, then pressed the green circle on the center console. “When I said I needed space, I didn’t mean just a day, Nathanial.”
He chuckled. “You damn sure ain’t fucking with me. Talking to me in the same tone my mama does.”
I didn’t laugh, but instead remained silent, waiting for him to get on with the reason for his call.
“I miss you so fucking much. Like I know I fucked up but damn. I feel our separation in my bones.”
I still didn’t respond.
“You hear me, Selah?”
“Yes, but what do you expect me to say? You did this to us. You broke us.”
“I know and that shit bothers me more than you’ll ever know. Can you come home? So, we can talk.”
“About what, Nathanial. There is nothing to tal—”
“I fucked up. I own that, but you’re not giving me the chance to even try to fix us.”
I laughed dryly. “Fix us like what, Nathanial? Had your girl not messaged me, nothing would be broken, right? You’d still be doing what you were doing and like a fool I’d still be in la la land in this relationship.”
“Shit no, that’s not what I meant. Selah, baby, can we talk somewhere? Me and you. Just a conversation please.”
I shook my head, feeling like I was going crazy within my own thoughts. “Fine, when and where? I’m not interested in coming out to your house.”
“My house?” he repeated, like my words hurt.
I didn’t respond.
“I deserve that one I guess. Uh, can you come to the gym? I’ll have the conference room open for you. Can you just come?”
“Yeah. I guess.” I hated how I immediately began to wonder why he was at the gym.
Nathanial only went to the gym when a fight was on the horizon.
I hadn’t heard anything, but then again, I didn’t watch TV or spend much time on social media.
Plus we were on the outs, so whatever he had going on I didn’t know about.
“You coming right now? I’ll have Dell get you one of those burgers you like. I’m sure you ain’t ate.”
“Yeah. I’ll be there.”
“Okay. I love you.”
I didn’t respond. I hung up without reciprocation.
Tears streamed from my eyes the moment I dropped my phone into my lap.
Tears that had me wondering why I was crying.
Of course I knew why I was crying, but it had to be more, right?
All I kept thinking about was what he’d broken.
The romanticized version of what I thought we were.
I sat there for a minute letting the tears flow before I finally wiped them away. I didn’t cry much. I wasn’t that girl and hadn’t been since my father died several years ago.
The ride to LR, the gym where Knockout trained, was quick, given it was about twelve minutes from my bakery. By it also being only two in the afternoon, everything in the city went fast. Lord, I wished it hadn’t.
Before I knew it, I had parked in the underground parking structure below the gym.
I didn’t get out of the car immediately but instead sat wondering why I had allowed myself to come here in the first place.
Well, I knew why, but I questioned what it would solve.
Why was I here about to wreck myself with a conversation when I should have been somewhere planning the pastries and design concept for a wedding I had recently been booked for.
It was a referral from a friend of a friend and would require me to take a trip to Chicago.
I was fine with that, given I loved the city, and it wasn’t that far from here.
I finally got out of the car. The quicker I got this over with, the faster I’d be heading home to deprogram, put on a pot of tea, and sketch the design for this cake.
When I entered the automatic doors, I went straight for the elevators.
I pressed the button, standing there eyeing my reflection in the doors.
I looked like a mess… shit, I felt a mess.
Dressed in a storm blue lounge hoodie and sweats set, my hair was pulled into a messy bun.
With most of my hair being shorter, whatever didn’t fit in the ponytail hung low, giving my hair this half up half down look. I looked and felt a mess.