Chapter 3 #2
The doors opened just as my assessment ended.
I stepped onto the elevator and stood in the center.
Then I pressed the fourth level and stepped aside, leaning against the wall as flashes of a man I knew nothing about flowed through my head.
Indiri was mysterious… and loud. Not loud in voice, but presence.
His whole countenance was so heavy and felt that way even now, not in his space, I craved it.
Shit. Why on earth was I thinking about another man this way?
The elevator dinged and I blinked instantly.
When the doors opened, Nathanial was standing right there looking pitiful.
Usually, I’d ask what was wrong, because I cared so much, but at this point I couldn’t.
In true honesty I cared, but with everything going on, I couldn’t fathom giving a shit or even expressing an inkling of care about his wellbeing.
“Hey, baby.” He greeted me nervously. He didn’t know whether to attempt to hug me or keep his distance. I liked his distance.
I just looked at him, swallowing the lump that formed in my throat at the sight of him. Usually, I wanted to crawl into his skin or touch him. God, I always did. But right now the sight of him made my skin crawl and my soul ache.
When I didn’t respond, instead clutching my purse tighter, he turned to lead the way to a conference room I had been in several times.
On Saturdays, while he trained in the beginning, I’d sit in here and work on my own business.
As a matter of fact, for a while, I spent a lot of my time supporting him when I should have been putting stake behind myself.
I just thought that was what I was supposed to do because I loved him.
“You have five minutes,” I stated, turning my back to the chair where the burger he’d mentioned on the call sat. I wasn’t spending all my time here. Shit, I didn’t even have an appetite.
He sighed. “I know I messed up, baby. I know I jus—”
“How long? And before you lie, just know I’ve done the math myself based on how long ago your friend started liking and commenting on your pictures. Honorable mention, you had blocked her from my social media, but not the bakery’s. So, how long, champ?”
He looked so pitiful, like the answer to my question would hurt him more than it did me. “You don’t wanna do th—”
“No, I do. I need to know how long I played the fucking fool in this situation.”
“Almost four years.”
My heart dropped, like if it wasn’t encased in my chest, it would’ve been lying on the floor making a mess of the all-white conference room.
“I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you. It just happened.”
“And then it kept fucking happening, right? Why didn’t you just let me go? Tell me that I wasn’t enough for you and let me go. Why did you come home to me time after time again and make me feel crazy because deep down I knew you were doing something?”
“Because I couldn’t hurt you like that.”
“And you think this is better? Got me walking around here not knowing if I’m coming or fucking going.”
He stepped forward and I backed up. “Tell me what I can do. Tell me how I can fi—”
“This wasn’t one time. Hell, not even twice. This is a lifestyle for you. You broke my trust, Nathanial. And I don’t kno—” I started twisting the engagement ring on my finger.
“No, don't take that off. It’s yours. Take some time baby, please. I fucked up and you have every reason to leave me, but please don’t give up on us.” He stepped forward, grabbing my hand, stopping me from removing my ring.
“I fucked up, bad. Just give me a chance to try and fix it.”
I made no promises to stay with him or even forgive him.
I left with the ring on and my burger in hand.
I didn’t want this damn burger, but wanted to get as far from him as possible.
The moment I stepped out of the building, I tossed the burger into the garbage.
Was it possible that my heart hurt so bad my appetite had jumped ship?
After I left I didn’t immediately go back to my car, but instead I went to the grocery store right up the block.
The last thing I needed was alcohol right now, which was why I was bypassing it.
Instead, when I was inside, I went straight for the carton of Leeland ice cream from a small, family-owned company just north of Hollis, far into the Bluffs.
I’d only come across the ice cream because one night Knockout and I were out late looking for sweets.
Well, I was having a menstrual craving and needed ice cream to go with my double fudge brownies.
We ran across the brand while looking for one we knew and it just so happened the cashier was talkative and almost talked us into purchasing one of every flavor.
“Thought we rectified this, shorty? You can’t stand in the middle of stores crying.”
I swiped the tears from my face and turned to face him. Though I had only been in his presence once, I knew his voice from anywhere. Call it muscle memory. “I wasn’t crying, I was um—”
“Crying,” he finished before I could find a lie.
“Well. And why are you walking up on random people anyway?”
A deep chuckle escaped his lips. “You ain’t random. I know what your pussy tastes like.”
I swallowed hard and glanced around, noticing it was only him and me in the cooler area. Thank god.
“You wanna talk about it?” he asked, his voice not masking the concern his eyes carried.
I shrugged. “Probably, but to this pint of ice cream.”
He nodded. “I know a place.”
I looked at him skeptically. “Um.”
He chuckled. “Don’t worry. I ain’t letting you in my pants this time.”
I laughed so hard I had to look around while he smiled, amused as well. He had a natural mug that fit, but somehow, when he smiled, that seemed to fit as well.
“You coming or what, mama?”
In his presence I continued to shock myself. I didn’t hesitate but instead nodded. Just like that night in the elevator.
With my ice cream in hand, I followed him to the counter where the cashier and a big burly guy were standing. It was then I realized it was only us in the small store.
I placed my ice cream on the counter behind his plethora of water and Rice Krispie Treats. He reached down and pushed it toward his items, then pulled his card from his wallet and swiped it once she had rung everything up.
“I could’ve paid for my own ice cream,” I said once we were out of the store.
“Probably. But you didn’t have to.” We followed the big burly guy who I assumed was his security to a black Tahoe. He then opened the door for me to get in first then Indiri. Who was he that he needed security?
“I thought you were from Chicago.” My eyes glossed the empty enclosed rooftop before they landed back on him.
He nodded. “I am somewhat, but my pops was from here. Raised me most of my childhood here, then we moved to Chicago, then back here after my uncle died. Why do you ask?”
“Because only a native knows the cut spots in Watertown and has the balls to even come here.”
He shrugged. “Watertown ain’t bad. It’s just a place with rich history rooted within a lotta folks that look like me and you.”
“I agree.” Watertown was what some people would call Briar South’s biggest eyesore.
In some cities, the waterfront was the pride and joy, but here it was folks’ biggest fear.
Briar South had been founded over two hundred years ago, with settlers deciding to put the savages—as they called them—on the waterfront and living themselves further into safer parts of the city after several deadly floods.
Back then the water was unruly and broke through every barrier created, so it was nothing for the city to flood.
The water never forgot that. When they settled people who looked like me there, funnily enough, the levees held.
The barriers stood unbroken for decades.
Per my grandmother, the water had calmed itself, dampening its rage for when people who didn’t belong came and tried to claim it again.
They said the water knew who it was meant to keep.
“Now, are you about to tell me why you were crying in the middle of the store? What that nigga do now?”
I didn’t know why I looked around when he asked. We were the only two up here, and Bigs, his security guard, was sitting on a stool outside the door. I’d heard it move every time a waitress came in to serve us or check on us. This place was secluded.
“He didn’t do anything. I guess it’s just me mourning what never really was,” I admitted. It was crazy how I could admit this to him, someone I didn’t know much about, but not my sister.
“Meaning?”
“Out of six years, he confirmed he’s been cheating on me for about four.
Then three out of those four years felt like something wasn’t right.
Even though I didn’t know, I knew. It’s like this inkling or feeling that ate away at me but I ignored it because I trusted him over my gut.
I allowed myself to see a future unattainable by either of us because I was too busy with my head in the clouds and he took advantage of that. ”
“So, it ain’t the loss of the nigga. It’s the loss of what you thought you had?”
I giggled, because he said everything in the plainest language and it made sense. “Yeah.”
He sat back in his seat and nodded. “I get it.”
“Have you ever been in love, Indiri?”
He shook his head. “Nope. Never been the typa nigga out here looking for it.”
“Never?” I scooped some of the ice cream from the pail onto my spoon.
He shook his head.
“Why are you scared of it?” I studied him, looking for some kind of physical tell. Every time I was in his presence he was always so stoic and controlled. He was the type of nigga I would hate to argue with because I’d be literally arguing with myself. Too cool.
He shook his head again. “I ain’t scared of shit, mama. I’m just not looking to hand somebody that typa control over me. I have siblings, three brothers and a sister. Err’body is either married or on their way. Niggas fall in love and forget who they were before it. That ain’t me.”
“What if love made them better, and you’re just seeing one side of the coin, because you refuse to give love a chance?”
He grinned, offering the first reaction I’d seen since we got here. Then he leaned into my space, so close I swore he was about to kiss me. “What has love done for you?”
“Not a damn thing because I haven’t fallen in love yet.”
He licked his lips, yet to back up. “So, you didn’t love ol’ boy?”
“Of course I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. There’s a difference between being in love and love.”
He nodded, still not backing up.
At this point I was nervous, because he was close enough to kiss me and I wanted him to.
“Good to know. So since you ain’t in love with nobody, can I kiss you?” It was like he read my mind.
I nodded and he leaned in further, his lips finally touching mine. God, I had missed his touch even though I’d only experienced it one other time.
For most of the evening we just talked, getting to know one another as if he hadn’t caught me crying two times and played Captain Save One.
Then, after spending enough time in Rune’s Room, we were in the back seat headed to the parking garage where my car was.
The entire time his lips seemed glued to my skin.
It wasn’t a long drive from Watertown to downtown Briar, but I wanted it to be longer.
With everything I had going on, I wanted to soak up as much of these thoughtless moments as I could because reality was just a little too heavy right now.