Chapter 12 Alex
Chapter Twelve
ALEX
Ilay in bed, covers pulled over me, creating a dark, cozy haven. My eyes squinted at the brightness of each one of the dozens of messages River had frantically sent me that night.
River
I’m so so so so sorry
I promise it wasn’t weird. I lied when I said that. I was just caught off guard. I lie sometimes, okay?
Bunny please answer
Groaning, I shut my eyes again. I needed the embarrassment and sense of rejection of what had happened just hours before, but even at thirteen, I could never get the embarrassing memories to stop repeating in my head.
“And did you see the Canopic jars?” I poked Rivers’ arm three times before he looked my way. “It looked so cool. I mean—there were literal organs in there.”
River, lying on his stomach, popped another candy into his mouth. “For real?”
“Yeah, didn’t you listen?”
We had a field trip that day to the local history museum, and it was fascinating. The artifacts and tales provided more information in two hours than I typically got in a week of classes.
He shrugged. “Not really. I was bored.”
Frowning, I climbed onto his bed and lay on my stomach beside him. “They were used during mummification to protect a person’s organs for the afterlife in Egypt.”
River’s head tilted, listening to my words but not hearing them. Leaning into me, he nuzzled his face into my shoulder. I couldn’t help but giggle.
“The organs turned into mummies?” he asked, chuckling.
“Yeah, Riv. That’s what mummification means,” I deadpanned.
“Well, if that’s the case, then your arm should turn into a mummy. Because it’s wrapped in a cast, like mummies are.” He wrapped his arm around my back and gently pulled me closer. “Mummification.”
Snorting, I rolled my eyes. I didn’t think the cast I got on my arm two weeks ago, after trying to show off by hanging from the basketball net’s rim and subsequently falling, would turn into a mummy. Still, a grin spread across my face.
The air was thick with the aroma of masculinity. River had gotten his first cologne as a 13th birthday gift from his parents a week before, and he wore it every single day. It had become my favorite smell.
It wasn’t normal to cuddle with your best friend—at least, that’s what my dad had said.
He never liked River, especially after he caught us with my head in his lap and his fingers in my hair years back.
It was just how River and my relationship was, but my dad argued that there was an ulterior motive. That River had to like me.
Had to like, like me.
I didn’t believe him, and neither did Mom, because I was still allowed to see him. Maybe it was because she knew I had no other friends.
However, the idea kept running through my mind, and I questioned whether he might actually have feelings for me. Honestly, I hoped he did. Why? Well, at the time, I pretended not to know why. But I did.
River must have noticed my staring because his brows furrowed. He swallowed his candy and then smiled, showing off his blue and yellow braces that he had gotten last summer.
I had kissed no one before. River kissed a girl for the first time a week before this, and while I wanted to be happy for him, each time I thought about it made my stomach churn.
Why couldn’t I have been his first kiss? I felt that as his best friend, it made sense.
But he could still be my first kiss.
His grin faded, and my eyes fell to his plump lips. River’s tongue swiped along the bottom one, almost enticing me to do what my mind was begging me to.
That was a sign? Right? It was in the movies.
My heart was pounding in my chest, but I wanted to be brave. River made me feel brave.
Quickly, I pecked his lips. It was sudden, something I wanted to get over with in case he didn’t like it. I pulled back with wide eyes, bracing myself for his response.
River blinked. Then again. And again.
With no emotion on his face, eyes staring into mine, he blinked a fourth time. Then, he did the last thing I expected him to do.
River scrambled to sit up, and his bed creaked as he backed against his wall. His lip was curled in dismay, eyes wide with appall, and it took everything in me not to burst into tears.
“What the hell, Alex?” he all but shouted.
Backtrack, backtrack, backtrack.
“I’m sorry!” My hands waved frantically. “I… I don’t know what I was thinking, but it just seemed right to kiss you because I haven’t had my first kiss and you have, or—or I think it was like an impulse and… I don’t know,” I rambled incoherently. Anything to fix what I fucked up.
He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, an expression on his face that I could only label as disgust. “That was gross. I shouldn’t be your first kiss; a girl should.”
“Boys kissing guys is gross?” I whispered. While I wasn’t aware I liked boys, I knew I liked a boy.
“No, I–I didn’t say that,” he whispered, eyes focused anywhere but mine. “But, I don’t know… it’s weird.”
No longer was I sad. No, I was angry because nothing about your best friend was supposed to be disgusting. Nothing about River, not a single thing, was gross. However, he was repulsed not because I was a boy, but because of me.
I stormed out of River’s house, ignoring his mom’s concerned calls and his dog trying to get my love. I had blurred vision the entire way home because of the tears streaming down my face. When I made it back, my sister noticed, but I refused to tell her anything.
River and I made up a week after that. He had to corner me in class since I wouldn’t answer his texts. There, he told me the kiss merely threw him off, and reminded me he became a liar when nervous—he always had.
We agreed, for the sake of our friendship, no more kissing.
Three months after that, River and my friendship ended.
River
Are you okay?
I’m sorry for being a jerk and I shouldn’t have let you run off like that
Please respond Alex
A day later.
River
I really like being around you
I’m really sorry
Two days later.
River
Can you at least let me know you’re alright?
any sign of life will do
Alex I’m sorry
It had been a week since I’d seen River. Four days since he’d stopped sending me apology texts.
Ridiculously enough, it stung the first day I woke up to no apology. Even though I was the one who was ignoring him, his lack of trying made me feel like thrown-out garbage. Like he had given up on me.
I was so happy when he asked for my help with the project.
He clearly didn't need help and just wanted to see me, and knowing that just made me want to say yes.
On top of that, it was a bit like getting revenge on my parents.
Yeah, I followed their lead like usual, but part of me was glad I was still working on it even though they were against it.
It was almost like I had never dropped the class.
My sister caught on that something was up with me in an instant, and I didn’t have the energy to keep it from her.
She tried so hard not to say I told you so, not to remind me she knew things with River would only be messy from the get-go, but her profuse head shakes and constant heavy exhales did it for her.
Annabelle said it was for the better. There was a reason we were separated as kids, and although I didn’t know it, it was probably a good one. Especially if he couldn’t be bothered to confess that something happened seven years ago.
Ever since then, I’d been moving through life like a zombie. Wake up, study, go to class, study, clean up after Salem, babysit Millie, study more, reread River’s apology texts, sleep. Repeat.
Without River playing cruel mind games, I should have felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. Instead, I felt like I was drowning, like every aspect of my life was piling on top of me and I couldn’t touch the surface. It was suffocating.
I was on my way back home from class and stopped by the dining hall for some much-needed food before cramming for my biology exam. It felt like studying for that class was all I ever did, which was ironic because it was by far the worst grade I had.
Outside the front doors of the dining hall, I spotted him. Not River, and in any other circumstance, that would be a good thing. But now? I wished it were my ex-best friend with the spotty memory blocking the entrance.
Killian stood as if he were waiting for someone, his free hand in his pocket and his eyes glued to his phone. It was too late to retreat by the time I recognized him. At first, I thought he would pretend he didn’t see me. That was what usually happened.
So when he came toward me with a small smile and a wave, I froze.
“Alex,” Killian breathed. “How are you?”
Clearing my throat, I mentally reminded myself to keep the nervous blabber to a minimum. I parted my lips to speak, but suddenly, an idea popped into my head. It was a tactic I had never tried before. One that River Moore had perfected for himself.
The art of faking it till you make it.
I shifted my weight onto my right leg and nodded up. “Never better.”
Killian raised a brow, but smiled. “That’s good. I’m glad.”
I could feel the nervous words trying to break free, and it was taking everything in me to hold them back. My ex flipped his black curls to the side as he tapped his foot repeatedly on the ground. He had a reason for stopping me. There was something on his mind.
Killian grabbed my wrist and guided me to the nearby bench. I knew better than to listen to him. There was nothing he could say to me that I wanted to hear. Yet, I took the seat beside him.
“Listen,” he began as his eyes found mine. “I’ve done a lot of reflecting on myself as a person, and in doing that, it made me think a lot about you.”
He paused, looking at me as if he expected the sentence to get a reaction out of me. It didn’t.
“And… I regret a lot of what I’ve done,” he admitted softly. “Honestly, Alex, it scared me that I was still with the only person I’d ever been in a relationship with. They say you aren’t supposed to end up with your first love, but I’m not sure I believe that anymore.”