Chapter 12 Alex #2
My head recoiled in pure astonishment, breaking the act. “Yeah, well, you don’t have to worry about it. You broke up with me.”
Killian’s shoulders slumped. “I know, okay? I regret it.”
My ex had no right to throw such heavy words at me. It was selfish of him, and insulting to me. I was a fairly passive person, especially when I didn’t need to be, but I had standards.
But that didn’t kill curiosity as to whether that was the only reason he ended things.
Quietly, I asked, “Why else did you do it?”
“Why else did I end us?” he asked, though he knew that was what I meant. “I was bored.”
“Of what?”
Averting his eyes, he sucked in a shaky breath.
Kill never liked to hurt me. He was so afraid of it that his constant sugar-coating and beating around the bush created problems in our relationship.
If his lip trembled, I knew his answer was bad, and he was searching for an answer that would hurt me the least.
But he couldn’t lighten them this time. “You.”
“Bored of me?” I asked, my heart pounding in my ears.
Killian placed a gentle hand on my arm. “More so your issues.”
I shook my head, still not fully getting it. “What issues?”
“You’re always stressing yourself out about something, and I had to walk on eggshells around you because I’m worried about causing one of your… episodes.”
Episodes?
I scoffed, trying to ignore the sinking in my chest. “You’re a dick.”
“And I love Millie just as much as you do, but I never signed up for a child,” he said as if he wasn’t insulting my entire persona. He listed off my faults like they had been weighing on his mind forever, and he expected me to take it without offense. How could I?
Killian met my gaze, the pain behind it clear as day. His eyes softened as his hand rubbed soothingly on my arm. “I’m not trying to be a douche, alright? I want to work things out. The first step is saying what was wrong, and that goes both ways. What didn’t you like about me?”
Unlike him, I didn’t have a list of dislikes about my boyfriend. Besides the avoidance of telling me things as they were—which clearly he had gotten over—no issues rang in my head. Things were fine until they weren’t. Though, thinking back, maybe I was just oblivious to it all.
I jerked away from his touch as heat rose inside me. “How desperate do you think I am?”
Killian’s jaw practically touched the floor in disbelief, and he reached out to stop me from walking off. I dodged his grip, already feeling disgusted at the spot his hand was caressing and not wanting it to spread.
My feet were taking me home before I could even process it, completely forgetting why I was even at the dining hall. The subtle throbbing that had appeared in the back of my head was enough to make me not give a shit about anything but being away from my inconsiderate ex.
The only positive outcome of that discussion was that I think it finally pushed me to move on from Kill.
I made it home ten minutes earlier than I normally would have, thanks to my angry power-walking. Too bad what was waiting for me when I opened the door was anything but pretty.
The place was a mess, as usual. The thing was, I had just cleaned up before I left this morning. Salem unlocked a new achievement: he made the house a complete disaster in under four hours.
As I grew angrier, I couldn’t bring myself to let Salem sleep undisturbed on the couch. I stormed over and kicked him in the leg.
Salem startled as if I had poured a bucket of water on his head. “What the hell, Alex?”
“Would it kill you to pick up after yourself?” I asked just short of a yell. “I’m not your mother, and I shouldn’t have to clean up after you all the time.”
Salem stared, dumbfounded. He probably couldn’t believe I stood up to him. Hell, I couldn’t believe it either.
Once he understood what I said, he rolled his eyes and lay his head down. “I don’t want to hear this, Alex.”
“If you would pick up after yourself, then you wouldn’t have to hear it.”
The words went in one ear and out the other. “I’m not cleaning up shit.”
My scalp stung as I tugged at the ends of my hair, and my teeth ground against each other. The audacity of my roommate was astounding.
Salem gave me the silent treatment, and I think the sound of my stress soothed him to sleep. Knowing I could not waste more time talking to the brick wall that was my roommate, I went into my room and studied. I needed to focus on the exam more than I needed to worry about Salem’s dirty habits.
I wasn’t sure how much time passed before a knock on the door brought me out of my mock concentration. Out of instinct, I moved to go answer it, figuring Salem wouldn’t even though he was closer. Much to my surprise, Salem answered it before me.
As the door opened, my niece’s recognizable, high-pitched voice greeted me. She skipped into the apartment like she owned the place.
“Hello again,” she greeted happily.
My eyes followed her as she made herself comfortable on the couch. “Hi, Mills.”
I shifted my gaze to my sister, who stood in the doorway with a guilty smile. She already knew what my reaction would be.
I rushed over to her. “Anna, no. I can’t.”
“Alex, please. I know this is last-minute, but I really need you to keep her for the night,” Annabelle pleaded.
“I have an exam at seven in the morning,” I said firmly. “I can’t afford to fail, which means I can’t afford to babysit.”
“I know, I know.” She rubbed my shoulder with a frown. “But you know that if I could ask someone else, I would. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”
“Anna, I really can’t handle it today,” I said, desperate for her to accept my answer. The way today had been going, adding Millie on top of it might’ve made me crumble.
Annabelle retreated, sending kisses and apologies in my direction. “You’re the best brother in the world, and I love you. I won’t do this to you again, I swear.”
First Killian, then Salem, and now Anna?
When the door slammed shut behind her, I let out an exhausted groan. The pain that started in my neck was now in my head, creating an intense headache. It didn’t help that I was adding to the tension by pulling on my hair, but I couldn’t help it. Fuck me.
I flinched at Salem’s sudden appearance beside me. He spoke low enough for only me to hear. “That kid is always here. I didn’t sign up for a child to live here.”
Turning my head his way, a condescending smile grew on my face. “And I didn’t sign up for a slob roommate. Guess we both don’t get what we want.”
I turned my back to him to grab my items and continue studying in the living room, and when I heard the front door slam, I let out a sigh of relief. Salem finally left, and I knew because he always slammed doors in the apartment.
My body felt different in a way that I struggled to put into words. Almost like I felt as if I were watching myself from an outside perspective. It wasn’t a good feeling, but not necessarily bad either. I chalked it up to all the conflict I had dealt with today.
“Alex,” Millie spoke softly from the couch.
I didn’t look up from my textbook. “What?”
“I wanna tell you about what I did at school today.”
Her words barely registered in my brain. “Give me, like, two hours. Alright?”
“In two hours I’m gonna be sleepy,” the child whined. “I promise I will talk quickly, I—”
“Millie, please. I told you not right now, and I’m trying to focus.”
I kept my eyes on my schoolwork, not daring to turn around to see the hurt in her eyes that I knew she had. The last thing I wanted to do was snap at the kid, but she wasn’t listening, and I was on my last straw.
What I needed was a break, but I didn’t have the time for one.
I was so engrossed in my anguish that I didn’t realize Millie had opened the front door until it was wide open.
My hand rubbed my eyes roughly—I think I dozed off a couple of times. “You aren’t supposed to open the door without my permission.”
Her head hung low. “Sorry.”
It was only then that I took notice of who she let in: the guy whose texts I had been ignoring for the past week.
River’s worried glance, coupled with his rigid stance and hands in his hoodie pockets, gave the impression he didn’t think I looked too hot.
It was like a light went off in his head, and he realized the solution to all of his unanswered questions.
I buried my face in my hands. “Of course you’re here.”
“You’ve answered none of my calls or texts.” River’s voice was closer than I expected it to be.
I let out a sour laugh. “You would think that by now, maybe you would catch the hint.”
“I want to apologize.”
Lifting my head, I met his eyes, the swift movement making me feel oddly lightheaded. “I don’t want to hear it.”
River, now sitting beside me, rolled his lips together as he analyzed me. “Are you okay?”
I rolled my eyes. What a stupid question.
My shoulder evaded River’s hand when he tried to put it there. He frowned, but rested his hands in his lap. Carefully, he asked, “How has your day been?”
Another stupid fucking question. My hands balled into fists by my side as I actively watched River walk on eggshells around me, just like Killian, Anna, and my parents.
They all acted as if I were too weak to hear their truth, like it would make me crumble.
It was the only explanation for why River was still refusing to tell the truth.
“Let’s start.” I clasped my hands together with a sarcastic grin. “First, I ran into my ex, which wouldn’t have been so terrible if he hadn’t told me everything that he hated about our relationship.”
River fiddled with the hem of his hoodie and kept his eyes on the floor.
“Then I come home to find a mess all over the living room, as you can obviously see. Salem has no respect for anyone and does not care to live in filth. I am so tired of cleaning up after him.” My hands flew in the air in utter disbelief as I complained.
His brows raised. “Salem made this mess?”
“Yeah! I try to come home to cram for the exam I have tomorrow morning, but the place is so trashed that it is distracting.”
River didn’t respond, but his heavy gaze on mine showed he was listening. He just had nothing significant to add.
My foot kicked the bottom cabinet under the countertop accidentally, causing a loud bang. Pain ran through my foot, but the tension in my head was too much for me to focus on it. “Here I am trying to study in a pigsty, and there comes my sister knocking on my door with Millie.”
I shifted my focus to the couch, startled and praying my niece did not hear that. I didn’t know when, but she had put her unicorn headphones on and was playing on her iPad. A small bit of relief washed over me.
His hand rested beside mine, our fingers almost touching. “I’m sorry, Alex. That’s—”
“And you!” I yelled, pointing an accusatory finger at him.
Taken aback, River stood up and moved a few paces away from the chair. “Me?”
“Do you know how insulting it is for the one person you never forgot about to act like they can’t remember that you exist?”
Guilt filled his beautiful eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“You know I know you’re lying, so what the hell is the point in continuing to do it?
Especially when you actively insert yourself into my life and kiss me like you’ve been deprived of doing it for years.
” Now stalking toward him, I pushed him in the chest. Not powerfully, but harsh.
“I missed you like hell after you cut me off for no reason. Do you know how many scenarios I had to create in my head to rationalize what you did?”
Regret still layered his eyes, but now worry returned. “Maybe you should sit down.”
“Sit down?” I yelled, the out-of-body feeling greater than before. “You don’t even care about me, do you? This is all some insane game to you!”
“It’s never been a game, and I do care about you. More than most people, Alex.” River tried to reach his hand out in comfort, but I swatted it away. His wide eyes were scanning me now, every part of me. “Do you feel okay?”
“I am over the moon,” I said, my tone dripping with sarcasm. “Whatever. You can go harass all your other friends and leave me alone. My life was going okay before you…”
My words got lost in my mouth. What was I trying to say?
Tension in my head, sweaty palms, not feeling real… fuck. How had I missed it before? All the signs were glaring at me, yet I couldn’t recognize them before it happened.
Or maybe I just didn’t want to.
The room tilted sideways as I fell to the floor. River darted toward me, but I was unsure if he had made it before my head collided against the tile.
I had no control over my body anymore—it wasn’t mine.
All I could do was helplessly endure what I thought I had fixed.