Chapter 41
When I get back to my office I’m trembling, the coffee in my mug threatening to slosh over the sides. Rick must’ve stepped out, so I have a moment to try to compose myself without him asking what’s wrong, but my attempts at deep breathing don’t put a dent in my agitation.
With trembling fingers, I open up the work chat and find that Lauren has an away message up—she won’t be back in the office until tomorrow.
Dammit. I press against my eyes with the heels of my hands as my head throbs, defeated.
I need to get my shit together before my call this afternoon.
I need to send a message to HR, but I’m nervous about potential repercussions if Holden denies what he’s been doing.
I need to deal with the pack courting drama before it makes it impossible for me to do my job.
It’s too much. I can’t handle this on my own. I’m drowning.
With no other options left, I text Astrid.
Talking to her means that I’ll have to confront how I’ve been withholding information from my best friend.
I really wanted to wait until all the stuff with River and his pack settled before filling her in.
If things worked out, then I could appease her with the news of me being happy and joining a pack.
And if it crashed and burned, then I could go back to pretending that nothing has changed in my life.
I wanted to keep Astrid as the last bastion of beta Camille’s life, untainted by my omega side.
I’ve held myself back from talking to the person in my life that knows me the best because I’m still clinging to my old self. But I can’t deny that I’ve changed, and I have to trust that my best friend will still love me as an omega.
It’s ridiculous that I’d ever assume she wouldn’t, but logic really isn’t my strong suit lately.
God, Astrid is going to be so pissed at me for keeping her in the dark. But I’m desperate and can deal with her justified ire if that means she’ll help me sort through the tangled mess my life has become.
I shoot her a quick text, asking her to lunch today. Telling her I really need to talk. She replies right away, confused but willing to do whatever I need. Which makes me feel even shittier for avoiding her.
Once our lunch plans are sorted, I turn back to my computer. I’d hoped some of the weight on my chest would’ve eased, but no. Now, on top of everything else, I’m anxious about telling my best friend how secretive I’ve been.
Time ticks by as I stare at the monitor. I’m no closer to being prepared for my meeting this afternoon. This is untenable. I need to do something. Now.
I type out an impulsive message to River and hit send before I can think better of it.
C. Clairmont: Do you have time for a quick meeting?
I’m sure he’s not available. And even if he is, it’s doubtful he’ll be receptive to talking to me. I should wait until after I talk to Astrid. Until I’ve calmed down.
The chime of his reply startles me when it arrives a few moments later.
R. Marlowe: Sure. I have a meeting at 11, but if that’s enough time, come on over. I’ve been meaning to check in with you about DesigNation, so it’ll be good to catch up.
I narrow my eyes at the screen. It’ll be good to catch up?
In what universe is that true? River avoids me like the plague in the office, and now he wants to know how things are going? He must only be saying that out of some feeble attempt at civility.
I glance at the clock. It’s only 10:30. That’s the perfect amount of time for me to deal with this shit.
I’ll go in there, tell him I’m sorry, but I need to stop pursuing things with his pack because it’s too stressful and distracting, and then have an excuse to get out before he can drag the conversation out.
Not that he will.
Leaving his pack alone solves all his problems. Maybe it’ll make them sad in the short term, but I’m sure they’ll manage.
He can go back to being a negligent, slightly rude boss and I can go back to my boring, romance-free life where I don’t have to stress about hurting anyone or getting caught in the middle of drama. I can focus on doing my damn job instead of letting my emotions overwhelm me.
C. Clairmont: That works.
A minute goes by and I wonder if maybe he’s pretending to be busy so enough time passes that he can claim it’s too late to talk before his meeting, but then the typing dots appear.
R. Marlowe: Alright. I’m in my office.
Crap. I was kind of hoping he’d find an excuse to not talk. Even though I know I should get this over with, that doesn’t make it any less scary.
I stand from my chair, legs wobbly with nerves as I walk to River’s office, praying I don’t run into Holden again.
River’s door is ajar as I approach, but I still knock on it hesitantly.
“Come in.” His reply sounds distracted, and when I enter, he doesn’t even look up as he keeps typing.
I close the door, then waffle between staying standing or sitting down in the chair across from him, anxiety and frustration ramping up with every passing second that he continues to ignore me.
“Sorry to interrupt, but I know we don’t have a lot of time.” My voice is sharp, and River’s eyes snap up to meet mine.
There’s a flicker of something on his face that I don’t understand. Almost like he’s pleased to see me. But it disappears, settling back into his cold, aloof neutrality.
“Camille.”
My name from his lips makes me shiver, my omega standing at attention in the presence of this alpha. He pushes his glasses up his nose and gestures at the chair. I automatically sit down, then silently berate myself for how quickly I do what he wants.
I stare at River for a long moment, wondering if maybe I’m making a mistake.
Would it be so bad to keep trying? Maybe he’s right when he says he can handle the jealousy. And who am I to make that decision for him? He’s an adult. If he says he’s fine with his pack courting me, then I should take that at face value.
My omega makes a compelling enough argument that I scramble for a different reason why I came to talk with him.
“What’s wrong?” River’s brow furrows as he scans my face.
I scoff, his confusion breaking through my hesitation and second-guessing. “You’re joking, right?”
He tilts his head, leaning forward a bit.
His hand twitches like he was going to reach towards me, but he grips the edge of his desk instead.
“Is it DesigNation? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how hands-on their asshole CEO would want to be when I moved their account over to you.
Everything I hear from them about you is stellar, but if you need to pass it off, I’ll figure something else out and we can put you back on the Smithfield account, or—”
“It’s not about work,” I snap, cutting him off as my frustration at his obliviousness rises to a breaking point.
His eyes widen. “Oh.”
There’s a beat, and I wonder if maybe he’s going to chastize me for my unprofessional behavior, but his expression softens. “Is it something I did?” His voice is surprisingly soft and sad.
This isn’t how he’s supposed to react. He’s supposed to be distant. He’s supposed to know why I’m upset and agree with it, not be unaware of the issue.
“No. It’s… Nevermind, it’s fine.” I push up from the chair, needing to leave before I make a complete ass of myself.
“Camille, wait!” River is out of his chair and striding toward me before I can reach the door, blocking it with his body. He frowns down at me, almost vibrating from the tension in his muscles. “Tell me. You wanted to talk, so tell me. I can handle it.”
It echoes what I overheard him say the other night. “Like you can handle your jealousy? If your mate doesn’t believe that you won’t let it eat you alive and ruin your relationships, then why should I trust you?”
His cheeks flush at my words and anger flares to life behind his eyes. His jaw flexes, drawing my focus to the delicate floral pattern on his skin. My omega wants me to reach up and trace it with my fingertips, which makes a blush rise on my cheeks to match his.
“You were out there. In the hall.” Another twitch of the muscle in his jaw. “I thought I heard something.”
The heat on my face spreads down my neck as shame washes over me. There’s no point in denying it, but I can’t get any words to come out, so I nod.
“You were listening to a private conversation between me and my mate, and you’re using that as proof I’m the monster you’re convinced I am.” His tone is measured, which makes his words sting all the more.
“I…I know I shouldn’t have.” I swallow hard as I force myself to meet his eyes, catching a hint of my flushed reflection in his glasses.
“That doesn’t change that this isn’t going to work.
Not if you’re going to keep resenting me more and more for the time I spend with Ambrose.
” I try to stay strong even though my omega is trembling with the need to submit under his intense, scrutinizing gaze.
River steps closer, and I have to crane my head to keep looking in his eyes. He stares down at me, inhaling deeply, like he’s preparing to cut me down to size.
My breath hitches and I tense, fighting the urge to take a step back and cede the space to him.
“You should’ve stayed out there and listened to the rest, omega.”
I startle at his use of my designation and the dark warning in his smooth, deep tone. “Wh-what?”
“You could’ve heard me fuck my mate. That’s what you wanted, right? A little voyeuristic thrill?”
My pulse quickens, and this time I can’t resist backing up. “No, I… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”
He closes the gap between us again. “If you’d stayed, you would’ve heard all my darkest secrets.”
I step back again, stumbling as the back of my thighs bump into the edge of his desk. My mouth falls open in a gasp as he looms over me.
Against any better judgement or sense of self-preservation, I give in to my confusion and his goading. “What secrets?”
His lips downturn. “I don’t think you want to know the answer, Camille.”
My mind races, trying to figure out what it could possibly be. Whatever it is, I have to know. Even if it devastates me. I can’t take the tension between us any longer.
“What secrets, River?”
Surprise flashes behind his eyes, like I’ve called him on a bluff. His mouth opens and closes a few times as he weighs his words. I almost don’t hear his muttered, “fuck it,” before he leans forward, caging me in against the desk with his arms on either side of me.
“You really want to know?” he murmurs as he uses his leg to push my thighs wide enough apart to stand between them. “You want to see how desperate I am?” A pained look twists his handsome face. “Please, Camille. Tell me to back off. Tell me you don’t want me.”
Shocked disbelief makes my jaw drop. “What are you talking about? Y-you hate me.”
River shakes his head ruefully. “How many times do I have to tell you I don’t hate you?” He lifts his hand slowly, using it to push a rogue curl out of my face, his fingertips brushing against my skin.
He releases a ragged exhale as he draws his hand back.
“I’m obsessed with you. I’ve been from the moment we met, and I’ve kept my distance, but I’m not strong enough to keep pretending unless you tell me you’re not interested.
Tell me that so I can move on and stop torturing myself with pointless hope for something more. ”