Chapter 34
It’s Saturday night, and Ambrose is out on a date with our omega. Meanwhile, I’m stuck at home having the world’s most awkward game night with River.
Remind me to chew out the old alpha when he gets back, because this was a terrible idea.
When I asked River if he wanted to hang out and work on our farm again, I should’ve known from his less than enthusiastic yes that it wasn’t going to work.
We’ve been sitting here for almost an hour, and it’s awful.
No banter, no frustrated huffs, nothing.
He stares at the screen, going about each day like an automaton, refusing to look at me while discomfort simmers on his end of the bond.
It’s not fair. I’m not the one who did something wrong. I’m not the one who left our pack and almost cost us our omega with my stubbornness and emotional constipation. So why is he being so fucking weird?
It takes me “accidentally” selling an important item we were saving three times before I break.
“Seriously?” I huff, turning to glare at River, who is seated as far away from me as he can get on our giant couch.
His brow scrunches, his head tilting in the way it always does when I’m not making sense to him. “What?”
I roll my eyes. “You know what, dude. Why did you agree to have a game night if you’re not even going to take this seriously?”
Yes, I know I’m being ridiculous, but I’m tired of him walking on eggshells around me. I was mad that he left, and I’m still mad, but I want my friend back. Not this overly polite version that lets me ruin our farm.
“I…I don’t understand.” His face falls, and he sets down his controller. “But I’m sorry for whatever I’m doing to upset you. We can stop playing if you want.”
The way he’s physically making himself smaller, his hip fused with the end of the couch even though I know sitting like that has got to be hurting his spine, pisses me off.
“No, I don’t want to stop playing! I want us to start playing.
” He gives me a blank look that frustrates me even more, so I scoot closer to him, poking him in the chest with a jab of my finger.
“Tell me I’m doing something wrong or being inefficient.
Huff at me when I sell the wrong things. Get mad at me!”
My prodding is enough to make his alpha puff up in agitation, his posture stiffening as he scowls at me. “I don’t get it. I’m trying to be nice. You want me to get mad at you?”
My arms spread wide, and the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. “I want you to care!” The implied “about me” at the end of the sentence hangs heavy in the air between us.
River’s throat works. “I do care.”
“Well…then…act like it.” My agitation is deflating, and with that comes the awareness of how stressed and sad River’s end of the bond is.
Dolly’s gentle snoring is the only sound for a long, painful moment.
Shit, I’m being such a dick.
I open my mouth to apologize, but River speaks before I can. “Can’t believe you threw out that fish,” he grumbles, so quiet I take a moment to register what he’s said.
I release a bark of surprised laughter, a smile twisting my lips. “Oh yeah? Why? What’s so special about that fish?”
River lets out an overly dramatic sigh and pinches between his brows. “They’re impossible to catch at this level! We’re going to have to wait another year to get one, and that means we won’t be able to finish that bundle until then. What the hell, dude?”
He cups a hand in front of his mouth and leans in with a stage whisper. “Is that better?”
I snort, but shrug, attempting to act like it isn’t delighting me to finally have the normal version of River showing up. “Could be meaner.”
River rolls his eyes. “Someone has a degradation kink.”
“Only with you, darling,” I tease. “I can’t get enough of you yelling at me to plant my seeds more efficiently.”
He scoffs, picking up his controller and facing back toward the television. “Get back to work before we waste another day.”
“Ooo, yes, sir.”
I almost miss the flush that rises on River’s throat before I turn back to get my controller. Suddenly my words feel a lot less funny and a lot more weighted.
There’s a squirmy, hot sensation in my gut as I try not to freak myself out.
Ever since my late-night potential bisexual awakening conversation with Camille, I’ve been so fucking confused.
I read too much into every interaction with Ambrose and River.
I notice attractive things about them that in the past I thought was objective, aesthetic appreciation.
But with Camille moving in and us all focusing our energy on making her feel at home, I’ve shoved examining it to the recesses of my mind.
And now I’m staring at River like a weirdo while I have another moment of gay panic. I yank my gaze away, clearing my throat as I grab my controller and subtly slide down the couch to put space between us again.
My skin feels too tight as I stare at the screen, unseeing. “You know what? I’m gonna go grab a snack real quick before the next day.” My controller clatters against the coffee table as I toss it back down in my hurry to get away so I can cool off.
“Good thinking. I should eat something so I can take some meds.” River stands and stretches with a groan, the motion making his shirt rise and expose a sliver of his taut stomach.
Don’t stare at him!
I nod and head toward the kitchen, pulse pounding as I feel his presence behind me.
Act normal, stop being so weird, for the love of god.
I open the fridge door and peer inside, the cool air helping to ground me as I reach in to grab a protein shake.
When I step back to close the door, I bump into River, who must’ve been looking into the fridge over my shoulder.
My back collides with his front, and I let out an undignified squeak as the bottle in my hand tumbles to the ground.
“Shit, sorry!” River bends over to pick it up for me.
I’m sweating even more as it puts his ass on full display for me to look at.
I’ve seen him naked multiple times now. I know how nice of an ass he has.
Objectively. He objectively has a nice ass, and I’m staring, and fuck, did my dick just twitch?
I’m wearing sweatpants. I can’t get a chub right now!
He hands the bottle to me, and I crack it open, using the excuse of throwing away the plastic seal to put some distance between us. River turns back to the fridge, sighing heavily as he surveys the contents.
“Nothing good?” I ask, willing myself to stop being so weird.
River closes the refrigerator and shrugs. “Eh, sometimes when I’m in pain it makes me a little nauseous, and nothing is appealing. I think maybe I’ll do a gummy instead; the pain isn’t awful.”
“You sure? I can make you something. You usually do okay with pancakes when you’re queasy, right?”
A hesitant smile curves across River’s lips. “Yeah…”
I wait for him to protest like he usually does. And wait.
Holy shit, he’s letting me make him pancakes. The surge of happiness inside me is strong enough that I know he can feel it.
“Pancakes coming right up!”
Having a task to do will help. Can’t panic about thinking your best friend’s ass is nice in a way that makes your dick perk up when you’re making pancakes.
“Can I help?” River asks as I pull ingredients out of the pantry and fridge.
“Nah, you can sit your butt down and chill.” Your very nice butt. So much for not thinking about it.
River chuckles and ignores me, going over to the cabinet to grab plates. “Are you having some too?”
I glance at the protein shake I left on the counter, then at the mixture I’m whisking together.
My stomach rumbles. All the empty carbs will fuck up my macros, but I’m getting to the point where I don’t really give a shit about how cut my abs are or my gains.
I don’t want to deprive myself of the joy of sharing good food with my pack for the sake of some bullshit inferiority complex I developed as a teen when I didn’t present as an alpha.
I want to live my life. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone other than that I’m a good packmate and a good person.
Damn, who knew a question about pancakes would be so deep?
I grin at River. “Uh, duh. I’m using you as an excuse to make myself pancakes.”
His laugh warms my belly. God, has his laugh always been so raspy and attractive?
He pulls out two plates. “Well, then I’m glad to be of assistance.”
Silence stretches between us as I heat the griddle. I can hear him moving around and setting things out for our snack-turned-meal, as well as his occasional low sighs of discomfort.
From the sound of it, his pain is worse than he’s letting on. My stomach twists, wishing I could do more to help him. And that’s my excuse for why I go temporarily insane and words fall out of my mouth before I consider them properly. “Do you want a massage after pancakes?”
Utensils clatter against the table, and when I look over at River, his expression is wary. Guarded.
“For your back,” I clarify hurriedly. “Because Ambrose and Camille won’t be home until late and will most likely want to fool around after their hot date, and you’re in pain, so I can help out.”
“Thank you for offering, but that’s not a good idea.”
I look back at the griddle, taking off the golden pancake and setting it on a plate. I should leave it at that. And I would, if he’d just said, “Thanks, but no thanks.”
“Why not?” I ask, idly stirring the batter while I wait for his response.
“Jackson…”
I set the spatula down and turn to look at him. My heart is racing, and I don’t understand why. His lips twist into a frown, and he’s having a hard time meeting my eye. “What? It’s not weird. We’re packmates. I’ve seen your dick, dude. I’ll probably touch it at some point.”
Oh my god, stop talking about his dick.
River’s cheeks burnish as he lets out a choked sound.
“I meant by accident!” I huff, wishing I could vanish on the spot so I didn’t have to deal with my embarrassment and word vomit.