Chapter 34 #2
I turn back to work on the pancakes, but end up staring down at the sizzling griddle as I try, and fail, not to be butthurt that my best friend sounded disgusted by the idea of me touching him.
I don’t even care. I don’t want to touch his dick either.
I don’t.
My pulse pounds.
Fuck, I do. I want to touch my best friend’s dick.
I turn off the stove, not trusting myself around burning hot objects right now. Not while I’m freaking the fuck out.
“Are you upset?” River asks as I rake a hand through my hair and go over to the sink to wash my hands for no reason.
“I’m fine,” I grunt unconvincingly.
“You’re not. Why are you mad I won’t let you give me a massage?”
“Because you don’t trust me to help you.” It’s a shitty excuse, given that he’s letting me help him by making the pancakes, but I can’t tell him it’s because I feel rejected when he doesn’t even know I have any interest in him.
He doesn’t protest, which makes my stomach churn.
“I… I need to tell you something.” The tension and fear leaking from his bond take me aback as he speaks.
I turn off the faucet and dry my hands. “Okay.”
He swallows hard, eyes dropping to the floor.
The churning dread in my gut intensifies. I have no clue what he’s going to say, but I can’t imagine it’s going to be anything but painful. “It’s that bad?”
“It feels like it,” River murmurs. He looks back up at me.
“I’m going to tell you something that’s going to freak you out, so I need you to promise me you’ll listen and let me finish before you say anything.
And I need you to understand that I’m telling you this because I know how precarious things with our pack are, and I need to address it when things aren’t… heated.”
All I can do is nod. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Say, “No, I don’t want to know whatever dark secret you’re going to confess to me”? I can’t. River is opening up after years of shutting himself away. I have to listen.
“Okay. Good.” River’s shaky inhale is followed by a solemn, slightly queasy look. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was about to deliver the news that I’m dying. “Fuck, I don’t know how to say this.”
“Just say it.” My reply is snippy, but I’m too on edge to care.
“Alright…When we met, I didn’t know you weren’t into men…
I…I had a crush on you. As soon as I found out you were straight, I pushed those feelings away.
Or I thought I did.” He lets out a humorless laugh, rubbing the back of his neck.
“I’ve been working hard to acknowledge my feelings and be open about them, and that’s resulted in the feelings I thought I had control of resurfacing. ”
Holy shit. Is he saying what I think he is? I want to say a million things, but snap my mouth shut when he gives me a pleading look.
“I hate burdening you with this. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I’m worried my attraction would become apparent during Camille’s heat, and I wanted to give you time to adjust to the knowledge that I like you.
As more than just packmates or best friends.
Fuck, I think I’ve been in love with you this whole time.
I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t expect you to want me.
I just need you to know so that we can figure out a way to move past this. I promise I can still be a good—”
“I think I’m gay,” I blurt, unable to contain the words even though I promised to let him finish. He looks so miserable as he confesses his love for me that I can’t hold back.
His mouth hangs open, and he blinks back at me, completely dumbfounded.
“Or, uh, bi. I’m still absolutely into women, but lately I’ve been noticing things. About you and Ambrose. Thinking about what those things mean.”
“W-what?” River croaks. He looks like his brain is short-circuiting with this information.
“You know I love you. You’re my best friend.
” A lump of emotion clogs my throat, and I cough to clear it away.
“But I think I like you, too. As more than a friend. I don’t want to lead you on because I’m still trying to figure out what that means…
if it means I want…” My traitorous gaze drops to his crotch.
“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, dude,” I groan, palming my face.
“That’s okay!”
“Is it?” I groan again, overwhelmed with the sudden realness of what we’re discussing. River wants me. I’m pretty sure I want him. And Ambrose.
His fingers close around my wrist to pull my hand away from my face.
“Hey. I promise, whatever you want, it’s okay.
We can try or not try. Whatever you’re comfortable with.
” His words are calm, but I can feel the trepidatious hope and desire through the bond.
“Take some time to think about it. I’ll move at your pace, and if you decide it isn’t something you want to explore, we won’t. ”
He’s standing close enough that I have to tip my head back a bit to meet his gaze. I never really thought about our height difference until this moment. Or about what it would be like to kiss someone taller than me. My tongue darts out to wet my lips. Now, it’s all I can think about.
“This isn’t how I expected this conversation to go,” River murmurs, the warmth of his soundless huff of laughter caressing my cheeks. His dark chocolate scent wraps around me, at once comforting and dangerously tempting.
“What did you expect?”
“I thought you’d freak out and never want to talk to me again,” he admits.
I scoff. “Seriously? I’m your best friend. We’re pack. Even if I didn’t reciprocate, I wouldn’t have done that.”
River sighs. “I know that rationally, but I’d built it up as this huge thing and…I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you.”
The weight of this secret he’s been carrying for over ten years makes my chest ache for him. “You won’t.”
We linger in silence for a moment, before River’s gaze drops to my lips.
“I really want to kiss you.” The confession is barely more than a whisper.
Butterflies erupt in my stomach. “Okay.”
“If you don’t like it, I’ll stop.” The hoarse rasp of River’s voice makes me shiver.
“Okay.”
His throat works, and he nods, stepping closer until we’re chest to chest and his hand is on my hip and, oh.
River’s mouth on mine isn’t demanding. It’s tender and inquisitive and brain-chemistry altering. Who knew his lips were so soft or that his large palm resting against the sliver of skin between my shirt and my sweatpants would feel so intimate?
An embarrassing, breathy sound falls from my lips, and I reach out to steady myself with a hand on his waist.
He pulls back, lips hovering a few inches from mine, as he searches my face. “That okay?”
“Yeah,” I croak, voice thick from how okay it was.
His free hand comes up to cup my neck, and our mouths fuse together again, less tentative this time.
He still doesn’t demand anything from me, but I can feel him against my stomach.
He’s hard from kissing me. And I guess my body is less nervous about this than my mind is, because my dick is thick in my sweatpants, too.
River groans against my mouth, his fingers gripping me tighter. His desire mixes with mine in the bond, but after a few more seconds he releases me and steps back with a shuddering exhale.
For once, I have no words. My best friend just kissed me, and I loved it. I want more.
I move to close the distance between us, but the sound of the front door opening has me freezing. Dolly’s barks echo from the living room, and a few seconds later Ambrose and Camille round the corner into the kitchen.
“Oh thank God,” Camille says when she sees the pancakes in progress. “I’m starving.”
River raises a brow. “I thought you went to dinner?”
“We did, but apparently the fancier the restaurant, the smaller the portions. It wasn’t even enough food for a toddler,” Ambrose grumbles.
River moves past me to go give his mate a consoling kiss on the cheek, and as he does, he brushes his hand across the small of my back. It heats my blood and reassures me we’re not done with our conversation. That it wasn’t a stolen moment but something important we’ll come back to.
I head back over to the stove, a smile on my lips. “What would you all do without me?”
“Perish from hunger,” Camille says with a giggle.
Ambrose snorts. “Probably have fewer grays.”
River takes a moment to consider, and my heart pounds against my ribcage with the new knowledge of how it feels to be kissed by him. “We’d be lost without you.”