Chapter 39
“So what, you picked a fight with her and left?”
“I didn’t pick a fight with her. I just didn’t want to stay.”
Declan slides his gaze to mine silently as we sit parallel to each other on his couch, NBA 2K playing on his PS4. I wasn’t lying to Daisy when I said I had plans with Declan tonight, which is a rarity for me, considering I’m usually at my parent’s home until late, but I wasn’t in the mood to stay. I could tell my mom was aware she’d hurt me by the questions she asked, and maybe in a different situation, I’d understand the concern, but she doesn’t know my relationship with Daisy. She doesn’t know our conversations and the growth we’ve already done together, even if we’re taking our time. Daisy’s opening up to me more and more—I can tell, and honestly, I don’t owe an explanation to anybody about what she and I are. That’s between both Daisy and I.
So why do I feel like shit about the whole ordeal?
“Probably because you showed up at her house and demanded her to agree to titles?” Declan replies dryly, and my eyebrows shoot to my forehead as heat creeps up my neck; the realization that I asked those questions out loud makes me wince.
“That was kind of dickish, I suppose,” I mutter.
Declan shakes his head, leaning forward while he fixates on the TV. I’m half paying attention because my mind is elsewhere. It’s with Daisy, which isn’t unusual. “I wouldn’t say dickish,” he says, pulling me from my thoughts. “But you could’ve explained where all of that was coming from. You said she didn’t like being blindsided, right?”
“Yeah,” I huff, trying to get my player to block him in the game, but he shoots and scores. If this were football, I’d be all in it, but I have zero idea what’s going on because I don’t play basketball. Neither does Declan. He’s a soccer guy, but he enjoys this, so I’ll entertain it. We don’t get a ton of “bro time” anymore, and now that I’m back in the city, it feels nice hanging out with one of my closest friends.
“I let my parents get into my head,” I say a bit begrudgingly. “I’ve been worried that Daisy isn’t fully into this—into me because she’s so hesitant to open up about anything. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve made great progress in the past few months, and I can tell I’m starting to lo—“ I shut up the moment Declan whips his head, hazel eyes wide with shock.
“I’m gonna need you to repeat that.”
My face heats. “No, it was nothing. I didn’t mean—“
“Do you love her?” he interjects, and my face instantly warms.
I’d been thinking long and hard about my relationship with Daisy, and in some ways, yeah, I love her. I love her friendship, her heart, and who she is when it’s just us in the room, but to be in love with somebody again?
I’m not ready yet.
“No, that slipped out. I didn’t mean to say that.”
“But you did,” he challenges. “At least part way. I didn’t realize it was that serious, man.”
I frown, shaking my head. “It’s not.” Even though I know that’s a lie.
Daisy and I seem to be unconventional at best, taking things at our pace at our time. Still, because of that, it’s caused me to love the smaller, more meaningful things about her, like the amber hues of her eyes against the sunlight, how her nose crinkles when she laughs, or even when she rolls her eyes at something I said. I know confidently that I want to see what a future looks like with Daisy, and I wouldn’t be upset in the slightest if it ended with her and I living in a house in the suburbs with a dog or something. I’m not necessarily interested in having kids now or anytime soon, but I’d have the conversation with her if that was something she wanted. I’d give her everything if it meant she could stay in my life forever.
“It’s…complicated,” I say hesitantly. I’ve never been a fan of talking about my relationships with people, and I know Declan is my best friend, but talking about something openly holds more weight, more accountability, and that’s not something I’m entirely ready to face.
At least not yet.
“Doesn’t seem that complicated to me,” Delcan says, pausing the game and setting his controller on his coffee table as he leans back on the couch, arms folded over his chest, waiting expectantly. “It seems like you know how you feel, how she obviously feels, and what you two are doing. So why do you suddenly care about everybody else’s opinion?”
A muscle ticks in my jaw. “I don’t. It would just be nice to have the title.”
He tilts his head thoughtfully, contemplatively, almost. “I get that dude, but you threw her into a random conversation without preparing for it. You went over there angry or irritated or whatever the fuck you were and then demanded answers that she wasn’t prepared for.“ I open my mouth to interrupt, but Declan continues. “She was blindsided whether you like it or not. If she already scares over these conversations, do you think ambushing her would’ve done the trick?”
I don’t say anything, mainly because I don’t want to admit that Declan is, in fact, right. I know Daisy hates being blindsided, and even more than that—I walked away from her without letting her fully talk about her thoughts and reasons for not wanting the titles. I knew she hadn’t been in a serious relationship since college, every other time questionable at best. Yet, I bulldozed into her house with expectations that she hardly had time to process. But at the same time, I’ve been waiting around, hoping she’d be ready by now to jump with me into being something more. I don’t want to wait for her to finally decide that she’s ready to do this with me seriously.
“I’ve been patient with her for months, and I haven’t had a problem with it until today,” I say, hoping that doesn’t sound as pathetic as I feel saying it.
“Yeah, but why?” Dec challenges. “Because your parents got into your head about it?” He shakes his head. “Tan, I’m going to be blunt with you because you’re my best friend.” I shift, knowing that when Declan has something to say with a preface like that, it usually isn’t good. Or it is good but not fun to hear.
“You’ve been attached to your family’s umbilical cord since you were a child, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You know Duncan and Gracie are my favorite people besides my own family, but you need to get over it. They’re always going to have opinions—they’re your parents. But you’re kind of being a dick, treating the girl you lo—like,” he winks. “Like this. You need to get over it and do what you want to do. You didn’t care about any of this until today.”
I take in his words, clinging onto the ones that I can argue. “I’ve always cared, but maybe I wasn’t honest with Daisy about what I wanted.”
Declan frowns. “So what happens if she doesn’t want to be with you more than fuck buddies?”
“We aren’t fuck buddies,” I say a bit defensively. “We haven’t—that’s beside the point. I need to make sure she and I are on the same page, is all.”
Declan’s interest piques, eyebrows raising curiously. I resist the urge to roll my eyes. “Y’all have been doing this for a minute and haven’t fucked?” he waits for me to argue that, but when I don’t, he continues. “Kind of sounds like she’s taking things slow and trying to get to know you in the way that works for her.”
I let those words linger, and the more pressing question weighs heavier on me. “But what if that doesn’t work for me?”
Declan contemplates, rolling his lips into his mouth and giving a slight shrug. “If it doesn’t work for you, then it doesn’t work, but you have to make that decision and stick to it.”
I lean back on the couch, letting all of his words, my mom’s and Daisy’s, flicker through my head. Declan is right in the sense that I didn’t have a full issue with it until today, and I recognize that it’s not fair to put my own anxieties and insecurities onto Daisy. When my mom mentioned me trying to save Yasmin today, it struck a chord deep in me I thought I’d healed from. It was never my intention to save her, but I did want to see her do well in everything she did in her life, so I guess if that meant saving…
Unless she meant more along the lines of putting my ex and our relationship ahead of my own priorities, thus compromising my own happiness. I guess that would make sense, and I know Daisy wouldn’t ever do something like that. She seems more inclined to push away the moment she felt somebody was taking care of her too blatantly because she doesn’t know how to receive that love and feedback. The more I think about it, the more worried I become. Did I just fuck up the thing I had with the girl I’m in…like with because I projected? I groan. Delcan chuckles, understanding the internal dilemma I had within myself.
“Hate to say it, but you fucked up, man.”
“Don’t remind me,” I grumble, shaking my head as I reach for my phone sitting on the coffee table. I pull up Daisy’s contact, frowning when there aren’t any messages from her. I don’t know why I’d expect there to be any, considering I don’t deserve to hear from her at all with the way I acted tonight. Still, I pull up our text thread regardless.
Me: I’m sorry.
It takes her a few minutes to reply, probably either getting ready for bed or contemplating wanting to talk to me at all. I don’t blame her. She must, however, decide upon the ladder because a message comes in that has a grin splitting across my face.
Daisy: Tell me to my face with a hot peppermint mocha, extra peppermint, and oat milk. Keep the whip, tomorrow.