Chapter 40
“So wait. Lemme get this straight,” Sam says as we walk into Moore Enterprises Monday morning. “Dude just barged into your home, demanded you answer him regarding labels, and then left when he didn’t get the answer he was looking for?”
I wince at the displeasure written across my best friend’s face, the scowl more prevalent than when I was explaining the story on our way in. “Yeah, pretty much.”
He scoffs. “Bitch ass boy could never. Nah, I’d be asking him to say that shit with his chest if he wants to be all insecure about it.”
I roll my lips into my mouth to avoid laughing. Sam is my favorite person to talk to when it comes to needing to get an opinion about something that seems a bit…wacky. I tried calling Gia after Tanner left last night, seeing as she’s usually more available and my go-to person, but all she did was shoot me a text saying that she was busy and would call me back. She didn’t, which is fine, but it’s unlike her to not be glued to her phone. I’m convinced, and so is Sam, that she’s seeing somebody. Which, good for her if she is. My bet’s on Beckett. Sam’s is on somebody completely random and unexpected. Only time will tell, I suppose.
“I’m convinced all men are idiots,” he continues on, waving his hands everywhere for dramatics as we walk towards the elevators. I shrug a shoulder, a dry laugh sounding between a chuckle and a scoff falling from my mouth. “Maybe,” I say. “It was weird though, because everything else seemed fine before that.”
Sam nods with a frown, hitting the elevator button. “Yeah, I’m sure it was. I wonder what his mom said that made him spook like that. Either way, I don’t like her.”
I arch a brow. “You don’t like his mom?”
“No,” Sam says confidently, angling his body to face me. “I don’t like anybody talking shit about my best friend.”
My face softens. “I don’t think she was talking shit…”
“In my eyes, she was. I also don’t like Tanner for that shit he pulled, barging into your home like that while you were listening to Bob Marley, even! My girl was on a high last night, and he tried ruining that? Nuh-uh,” Sam shakes his head as we walk over to the elevators. “Not a fan.”
“For what it’s worth,” the deep voice I’m so familiar with, the one that causes goosebumps to litter every inch of my body, says from behind us, causing Sam’s eyes to widen in complete fear. “I am also not a fan of the man I was last night.”
Sam and I turn at the same time, the breath nearly halting in my throat when Tanner’s gaze meets mine. His normally emerald eyes are a paler color today, but something about him looks better than usual this morning. He’s wearing a crisp, white button-up shirt with a black tie, black dress jeans, and shoes to match, holding two coffee cups in hand. His lips curl up, the grin pulling at one side of his mouth when he finds me staring, unable to look away, although a hint of sadness reaches his eyes. Clearly, knowing that I’m checking him out, which, in my defense, I suppose I can.
Sam rolls his eyes, not falling for any of it. “Yeah, whatever. You can say all the nice words you want to her, but I’m not gonna fall for it. You crossed a line, Tanner.”
My face softens at my best friend’s defense. Sam will always defend my honor, job be damned, and it’s one of the things I love about him. The air between the three of us is awkward, thick, but Tanner doesn’t break his stare from mine. I don’t either, because how could I?
“I’m going to walk up the stairs today,” Sam says, eyeing Tanner up and down in displeasure. “I’ll let you…talk. But if you pull the same shit you did last night,” he says, pointing at the man in front of us. “I’ll beat your ass myself, job be damned.”
“If I hurt her again,” Tanner replies coolly, not taking his eyes from mine, “I’d expect nothing less.”
That seems to please Sam because he nods once approvingly before giving me one look, turning on his heel, and heading towards the stairs. I reach for his arm, causing him to turn around in surprise.
“You sure you want to walk up all those stairs?”
He makes a face. “Well, I am trying to be all active and healthy and shit.”
“You have never been active a day in your life,” I deadpan.
Sam shrugs, glancing towards the elevators like he’s regretting his life choices. “No better time to get on those New Year’s resolutions early.” And with that, he’s off, but not before exchanging a look with Tanner that says, “hurt my best friend, and I’ll kill you.”
Tanner and I stare at each other, the energy palpable between us. There’s so many questions I have regarding his attitude last night, although it wasn’t necessarily his fault for how he reacted. He should’ve been vocal about what was going on, but nobody is perfect and will always get it right. It’s weird because normally, I wouldn’t allow somebody to treat me in that way, and I won’t excuse the shitty behavior, but for some reason, I understand. If I still actively had a relationship with either parent and they said something like that to me, I would feel the same way, I think.
It takes a moment for us to break this weird tension between us, and my gaze flickers throughout the floor in case people I recognize from our office start coming in. I’m not embarrassed being with Tanner, but I also don’t need people knowing my—our business, especially because I am a very private person when it comes to personal matters. My eyes dart towards the cup in his hands, jerking my head towards it.
“That for me?”
He looks down and then lifts his gaze through his lashes. “Could be if you’ll accept my apology for last night?”
I shrug, the smile tugging at my lips. “I could be convinced.”
He takes a step forward, handing me the coffee cup. But before I can take a sip, he tilts my chin with his finger, his eyes clouding with regret.
“I’m sorry, Daisy,” he says sincerely, my heart thrumming at his vulnerability and near proximity. And the fact that we’re at work and anybody could see us, yet he doesn’t seem to care about that one bit. “I let a conversation with my parents get into my head, and that’s not fair to you or to us. I should’ve talked to you instead of projecting my insecurities.”
I purse my lips, keenly aware we’re in the middle of his building, and people are coming in to start their workdays. My gaze slides to the front door before focusing back on the man in front of me, completely unbothered that we have a small audience peering at us every so often. He needs my reassurance that we’re okay, that he didn’t royally fuck up, and something in my stomach burns at the thought. “It’s okay, Tan,” I say softly.
He shakes his head, still unhappy but knowing just as much as I do that we can’t have the conversation in the middle of work. Must read it on my face or something. “I’m going to make it up to you,” he says, dropping his head and gesturing for the elevators. We walk together, and although it feels a bit unusual to walk in with my boss, who doesn’t feel like that at all to me, it’s nice. I’d normally be more worried if we still had some of the old coworkers at the company, but because we don’t, it doesn’t bother me all that much.
“You don’t have to,” I say, pressing the button for our floor. The doors open automatically, Tanner letting me walk in first before following.
The doors barely get a chance to close before he steps into me, invading my space. “But first,” he says, completely ignoring my request as his voice drops a timbre lower; fusing our mouths together without hesitation. I sigh, body completely melting and if I didn’t have the coffee cup in my hand, I’d be gripping onto him like my lifeline.
“Missed you,” he murmurs, his tongue swiping on the inside of my mouth. I shudder, but he pulls away before the kiss can go anywhere. The loss is palpable but not painful as I sink my teeth into my lower lip. Is it bad to say I already miss kissing him?
Tanner rights himself, looking over at me as he leans against the back of the elevator. “The conversation isn’t done,” he says certainly.
“I agree,” I say once my heart stops racing and my breath slows.
He looks over at me. “You wanna come over tonight? Hash this out? Let me apologize more?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay,” he grins. “I’ll pick us up something for dinner. Come over whenever.”
We’re on the fourth floor when he leans over and presses his lips against mine again, his mouth hovering as he says, “You look beautiful today.”
My heart squeezes in my chest, my stomach flipping as he winks once at me and walks out of the elevator like we casually just rode up together and nothing more. Nobody seems to think twice about it, instead muttering out their ‘good mornings’ or nodding their head alongside him. He waves to a few people in passing, and the gesture is so like his Dad when he used to work here—friendly and open. For a split second, I watch him saunter down the hall to his office, melting all over again at how much he’s changed since his first day here. Once I’ve finally collected myself, I step out of the elevator, jumping in surprise when I find Sam waiting off to the side with an arched brow. He roams over my face with a look of displeasure before he relaxes, rolling his eyes as the smile pulls on his face. I step forward, linking my arm with his anyway.
“Girl,” he mutters quietly enough that it’s just us walking down the hall. “You are so fucked.”
I bite back my smile harder even as we pass Tanner’s office. He’s situating stuff on his desk before he sits down, looking over his shoulder and dipping his head at me. “Don’t even get me started.”
There’s still a tenseness between Tanner and I, and whether it’s from his guilt for how he treated me the day before or what, I’m not sure. We ate our dinner in near silence—Thai food from the restaurant around the corner, and now he’s finishing some last minute emails too important to neglect until the next day, which he arguably felt terrible for.
“I don’t usually bring my work home anymore,” he said when his phone started buzzing from Kinsley, his secretary. I merely shrugged, sat cross-legged on his couch with my Pad Thai, and simply said, “You’re the boss.”
“There, done,” he says after ten minutes of silence, setting his phone on the coffee table as he leans over to press a kiss against the side of my head. “Sorry about that.””It’s okay,” I say, shifting my position so my back rests against one end of the couch. He leans back, an ankle over his knee and his arms folded across his chest. Even in the comfort of his home, gray sweats, plain white t-shirt, and mussed hair, he somehow looks good. Too good, with biceps bulging against his shirt, chest straining—
“My parents are worried that I’m either trying to save you or that you aren’t going to fully commit to me, and I’m going to get hurt in the process.”
I blink, not expecting the bluntness of the conversation so casually, but prepared for it anyway. I can assume his family has concerns based on his past relationship, but it somewhat annoys me that they’re so protective of him trying to see somebody else. I get the feeling it isn’t intentional and genuinely out of a place of concern, but it isn’t fair to project their insecurities onto us and whatever we view this relationship as.
But then again, I don’t know how much his last relationship affected him.
“I guess I can understand that,” I say after a moment, suddenly more interested in toying with my fingers, even as his head angles to look at me. “But that’s not what I’m trying to do—hurt you. I take relationships seriously, and I want to make sure that you and I are ready to label things and make it official before doing it.”
He nods, a frown on his lips. “I know.”
“I haven’t been in a serious relationship since college,” I say carefully. I still feel Tanner’s gaze on me, but I don’t look at him. “I was lonely and wanted somebody to finally see me for who I am and everything I have to offer, and instead, it was the total opposite.”
“What happened?” Tanner asks, an edge to his voice that wasn’t there before. I shrug, honestly not bothered about what went down between Liam and I. It was so long ago now that I barely remember even being with him. He’s a distant memory.
“Nothing bad, but nothing good, either,” I say, this time looking directly at Tanner. There isn’t anything I need to hide, no repressed feelings of guilt, so I don’t break the stare. I want him to know I have nothing to hide. “We just weren’t on the same page about a lot of things. He was constantly comparing me to white women, wishing I looked more like them and not understanding why I didn’t.” I frown, and so does Tanner—deeply. “It was a bunch of different shit that I don’t need to talk about because it’s pointless now, but the relationship hurt me. It wasn’t enough to cause forever damage, but I’m selective with who I choose to invest my time with.”
“I want to give you that, Tan,” I continue softly. “I want to give you all of me, but it’s going to take time. I don’t open up easily, let alone trust easily, and I need you to be patient with me.”
“I understand,” he says after a moment, although there seems to be more he wants to say. “And I will be patient with you, I have been.” He takes a long pause. “I’m not like your ex, you know? I wouldn’t compare you to other women—“ he makes a face of disgust. “You’re perfect to me the way you are, Daisy. I’d never change a thing about you.”
My face softens at the admission, about to open my mouth to argue that my bringing up of the ex wasn’t to linger on the past, but he continues. “I want to know that you’re taking this—taking us seriously because I don’t want to wait forever.”
”I am taking this seriously,“ I frown, rejection somehow curling around my sternum. “I’ve been taking this seriously the entire time.”
“I know,” he says again. “I just,” he drops his head, seemingly frustrated with this conversation already, looking up at me with so much pain and confusion in his eyes. “I don’t want to wait forever for you to be ready for me to fully love you in the way you deserve, Daise. I can’t—“ he shakes his head, changing course. “Don’t make me wait, because I can’t guarantee I’ll be here if you let me walk away.”
I roll my lips into my mouth, letting the words linger in the air around us. I probably should say something and conclude with something that says I understand him and follow what he’s saying, but a part of me, deep down, feels offended. Maybe it’s because he flat-out told me he wouldn’t wait for me, and although I don’t expect him, or any man to, it bothers me that he wouldn’t. I also hate that he’s insinuating I’m not taking the relationship seriously when I am—more than he knows. I wish he gave me more credit for it because I’m being as open as I can be. “You’re mad,” he assumes correctly, the look of resignation on his face already. “Fuck,” he sighs to himself, shaking his head. “That’s not what I intended to do.”
“I’m not mad,” I say, already feeling the tension in my body coiling tight. Every instinct I have is to leave, my fight-or-flight response kicking in, but I force myself to stay seated. “But just because I don’t move at the same time/pace as you doesn’t mean I’m not taking this seriously.”
“Okay,” he resigns, turning his focus ahead, almost seeming dazed. I get the hint, so I slowly rise from my spot, and when he peers over at me, irritation flickers across his face.
“Not this again,” he mumbles. I arch a brow, pausing my movements entirely.
“You always do this. You walk away whenever things start getting real.”
My mouth gapes. “No, I don’t. I assumed you wanted space—“
“Well, I don’t,” he says sternly, deeply. “And you do, Daisy. You run every time you hear something you don’t want to.”
“I—“
“Why?” he asks, exasperated. “Why can’t you just talk to me?”
My anger coils tight, and I’m uncertain why I’m being attacked for something that wasn’t my fault in the first place. I outstretch my arms in front of me. “I can! And I did talk to you, but you’re the one who sulked and said, ‘Okay,’“ I mimic.
He stands to his height, and I take a step back. Honestly, I do it so he has more space because I’m pretty close to him, but he shakes his head, face falling flat. “Tanner, I—“
“You know,” he begins, shaking his head. “I’m tired. Maybe we should table this for another day. This weekend?”
I breathe in deeply through my nose, trying to fight off the burning in my nostrils and my eyes watering. I’m not sure how or why this conversation turned into frustration, but it did. And I’m confused, because I didn’t deserve that.“It’s Thanksgiving this weekend,” I say slowly.
And my birthday.
He runs a hand through his hair, shifting his gaze as he realizes that, too. “Fuck. I forgot.”
“It’s okay,” I say anyway despite the rejection working its way through my entire body. Not only did he forget about the plans we made, but he forgot about my birthday. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but for some reason, it bothers me that he forgot.
I start walking around him. “I’ll go, and we can talk—“ his hand wraps around my wrist, halting my movements.
“No, Daisy,” he says, turning me so I’m fully in his arms. “No. Let’s just talk about this. We said we would.”
“You’re the one who decided to be done with the conversation,” I challenge, the defense suddenly rising yet again.
“I know,” he says, face softening. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what my problem is,” he admits truthfully, frustrated, even. “I might just need time.”
I stare at him warily, nodding once because what else can I do or say that I haven’t already tried? I don’t know how to prove myself to him, and I don’t feel like I should. I’ve been showing up time and time again for him—for us, and it’s clear he doesn’t see that entirely.
“Okay,” I reply softly. “Then maybe I’ll go.”
He frowns, dropping my hand. “Maybe you should, baby.”
The nickname bothers me in the moment, like an odd juxtaposition, but I step away. “Okay,” I nod again, blinking quickly as I grab my boots and slip them on. “I’ll see you…?” I don’t finish the sentence, instead just watching him stare at me before rolling my lips into my mouth.
“Bye,” I mumble, the frown on my face as I leave.
He doesn’t try to stop me, instead clicking the door shut after a minute as I walk down the hall to the elevator.
This feels worse for some reason, and I truly hate it. The conflict, the confusion, everything that Tanner Moore usually isn’t. He’s confident and assured, so why? Why is he letting somebody, or multiple somebody”s, get in his head that what this is between us isn’t real? Why does it matter in the first place what we are or aren’t? It doesn’t seem like it’s necessarily on me, but it sure feels like it.
This is why I don’t involve myself in relationships. People tend to back out or away when they realize it’s complicated being with me. It shouldn’t be, and it’s not. At least, I don’t think so because I lay everything out fully on the line the moment somebody deems me interesting enough to pursue, but I never expected Tanner to be like those people.
I’m scared I’m already losing him. The vacant look in his eyes and the confusion—asking for space. Maybe it’ll be good for him to figure out what he truly wants, but still. I know that I want him, so why can’t he decide that he wants me, too? Why does he have to let other people get in his head about the relationship?
I sigh, stepping into the elevator when it emerges on his floor, and I don’t look back. My heart feels a bit heavier in my chest as I make the trek home.