Chapter 20
Two and a half years ago
Jacob made it clear he hated London during his one and only visit over the years.
But on that day, I found myself there willingly.
I wasn’t travelling, so the stress was immediately diminished, but I still bounced my leg impatiently as I sat on one of those big concrete slabs outside that some overpaid fella thought was a better option than a traditional bench.
Callum had disappeared to some sandwich shop around the corner, and I was anticipating him coming back with something the size of his own head, only so he could complain the whole bus ride home that he was too full.
Each time another train arrived, a deluge of bodies flooded out onto the station floor and I found myself scanning each and every face for his, despite knowing his train didn’t get in for another ten minutes.
Still, I watched, as all of the unknown faces passed by, on their own journeys to who knows where, wondering what their story was.
The spring sun seeped out from behind the clouds, the warmth of it hitting my face as I savoured it for just a moment.
After months of winter clouds, this felt nice.
Basking in the light, I tuned out the sound of the road, the flight path, the thousands of bodies, until I was sat in the garden at Granny and Grandad’s at the start of the summer, with six whole weeks ahead of me where anything felt possible.
There really was no feeling like it: the freedom, the anticipation, the knowledge that I was exactly where I wanted to be.
When I opened my eyes again, the clock tower showed 11:52 a.m. Bodies flowed through the gates, though this time, I knew they had travelled through the countryside I called home.
I scanned over each person until the last one sauntered through.
But his face wasn’t amongst them. Did I miss him?
Did he get on the wrong train? Did he change his mind and decide not to come after all?
Getting to my feet, I headed back into the station, scanning each and every crevice for any sign of him.
That boy could navigate his way through any forest, or make it way back home in the dark with only moonlight to guide him; surely, he couldn’t be lost. With my heart thumping in my ears, I paced the platform, gnawing on my fingernails as I went.
I checked the time again. We had only an hour until the show.
If he was delayed, he would miss it, and this would’ve all been for nothing.
‘Ava!’ Jacob called my name from the opposite side of the barrier, relief flooding his expression as he grappled with various tickets and papers in his hands.
For just a moment, I took in the image of him.
It seemed that every time I saw him, there was something that had changed: a new dappling of stubble on his chin, or that he’d grown an inch or two, or that he hadn’t cut his hair for a few months.
But this was different. He was almost exactly the same as when I saw him the previous autumn, and yet, everything felt wrong.
It was like seeing a polar bear in the zoo.
You know that it’s possible, that they can survive there in their drab enclosures, but that doesn’t mean it feels right.
After explaining to him how to feed his ticket into the machine, seeing as he refused to bring his phone to do it the easy way, he was finally before me in all his glory wearing … full length trousers.
‘How was your journey?’ I asked, trying not to mention the new addition to his wardrobe.
‘I was quite nice actually, getting to travel through parts of the country you can’t otherwise get to.
Plus, it’s spring, so every other field is full of lambs.
And you know me and my lambs.’ He grinned.
I was expecting a moan, about too many people in one tin can, or the time it took to get here, but he seemed genuinely happy.
‘Well, welcome to London.’ I gestured to the streets.
‘It’s so strange – you coming to my house, in my town, for a change.
I can’t wait to show my friends that you’re actually real and I haven’t just been making you up all these years.
’ I wanted to weave my arm through his and have us skip down the path, but I tapered my excitement and settled on squeezing his bicep with a smile.
Jacob flushed, then coughed. ‘Where’s Cal? Is he not coming too?’
I had almost forgotten about my twin and his rather long detour for food, but I wasn’t worried. ‘He’s around here somewhere, but I’m afraid his stomach came before you.’
‘Standard.’ He chuckled and we rounded the corner and found Callum perched on a ledge, scoffing his sandwich as though someone was on their way to steal it from him.
‘Jake!’ He lit up at the sight of his friend, and smiled with his mouth stuffed with various meat and cheeses. ‘Welcome to London, mate!’ he finally added after he’d scarfed down his bite.
‘Right, we need to get going,’ I declared. ‘I said I’d meet the guys in the café before the exhibition, and it’s at least twenty minutes on the bus from here.’ My initial excitement from seeing my guest was slowly being overtaken by anxious thoughts about the thing he actually came for.
Both the boys stood to attention and awaited their next order in silence as I directed us all to the bus stop.
Jacob didn’t speak for the duration of the journey – he stared out of the rain-stained windows, watching the city go by.
It’s not like we passed anywhere particularly exciting – no Buckingham Palace, no Big Ben, no Trafalgar Square.
Just the city roads were enough to captivate him.
We pulled up to the venue with plenty of time to spare, and found Freya, her girlfriend Ash, Oscar, and a few others from the friend group sitting at the patio table and chairs outside the café next door.
‘Oh my gosh, you must be Jacob.’ Freya stood at the bus doors and began her onslaught of chatter the moment they opened, confusing the young mum and her pram that reached the door before us.
Jacob lifted his hand in an awkward wave as Freya marvelled at him like a rare creature she’d only heard about in books. She had heard me talk about Jacob relentlessly for years without a single meeting, so I wouldn’t have been surprised if she doubted his existence entirely until now.
‘I’ve heard so much about you!’ Freya dragged him by his forearm to the table as Jacob shot me a pleading look from over his shoulder.
Introducing him to all of my friends one by one, they each smiled and waved politely, but no one else seems quite as fascinated as Freya – no one but her had listened to me ramble on about him for so long.
When Callum and I reached the rest of the congregation, Oscar stood up from his seat and gestured for me to take it. Thanking him, I sat down, and he leaned against the back of the chair, making sure his forearm pressed lightly against my shoulder blades.
Oscar leaned close to talk, but spoke loudly enough for everyone to hear. ‘Before we go and see it in the flesh, I just want to say that I’m so proud of you. Whatever grade we end up with will be because of your designs. You’ve definitely carried this team.’
My cheeks flushed as I tried to avoid the eyes of everyone at the table as they seemed to find this the most interesting topic of conversation. ‘Don’t be silly. It’s been a joint effort.’
‘Well, I wanted to get you a little gift anyway.’ From under the table, he pulled out a small bouquet of flowers, the kind that had been dyed into rainbows. The petals were so heavy with artificial colour they could’ve wilted at any moment.
‘You really shouldn’t have.’ Standing up to thank him with a hug, I heard Jacob scoff under his breath next to us.
‘You alright, mate?’ Oscar addressed him for the first time, a little tension setting over his body as I drew away from the embrace.
‘She hates it when people pick flowers,’ Jacob said. ‘Why let them die for three days in a vase when you can admire them where they grow for weeks?’
Oscar opened his mouth to speak, but I caught him before he said a word.
‘No, no, these are lovely. I love them, thank you, Oscar.’ Jacob shot me a look of both disgust and confusion.
He was right, of course, he always was, but I couldn’t let Oscar know that, not when he’d made such an effort.
‘Jacob’s just a country bumpkin – don’t tell him about any trees being cut down because he’d be right there hugging it.
’ I laughed, and so did all of my friends, albeit awkwardly.
All except Jacob, who was now sitting perfectly still, only watching me with disappointment etched on his face.
For the next hour, the whole way around the exhibition, his expression remained unmoved, as though the wind had changed and it was now stuck like that permanently.
‘Jacob—’ I tried to catch him as he paced slowly at the back of the group, but Oscar and Freya jabbered so obstinately in my ear that I was constantly dragged away to hear more of Oscar’s sickly-sweet praise, or Freya’s random chattering.
He didn’t speak to me for the remainder of the art show.
I didn’t get any congratulations or even a smile when we were presented with our top grade.
Even the bus was too packed on the way home for me to get close enough to him to speak.
Instead, we stood, crushed like sardines in silence, trying not to fall into one another with each jolting stop.
‘Jacob.’ I finally had the space to call his name as the three of us reached our stop. ‘Are you okay?’ I had never seen him like this, so closed off, so rude. It was as if he had left his entire personality back on that platform in King’s Cross and I had spent the day with a stranger.
Callum paced on ahead, always seeming to know the best times to make himself scares.
‘Yeah, you know me,’ Jacob said sourly. ‘Just a country bumpkin overwhelmed by the bright lights and the fast pace.’ A sharpness followed his words and they stung as they landed.