Chapter 20 #2
‘I’m sorry, I was just trying to lighten the mood. You’d made them uncomfortable, Jacob. Those guys aren’t like the people you hang out with at home. They wouldn’t understand.’
‘I do apologise. I must not have been taught any manners inside that barn I was raised in.’ He scowled. ‘I was telling the truth, something you apparently don’t do down here.’
‘That’s not fair.’ I sighed. ‘I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.’
‘But you have no trouble hurting mine.’ Jacob stormed off to follow Callum.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I went after him, but his legs only ever seemed to grow longer and he reached our flat before I could catch up.
Jacob maintained his quietness at dinner too. Mum and Dad had been busy working, so they’d left some take-away food on the side for us to grab. Usually on days like these, we’d eat off in our separate rooms, but since we had a guest, the living room sofa was good enough.
‘How did it go?’ Dad asked from the doorway, still dressed in his work clothes, tie and all, as though he hadn’t had time to think about making himself comfy since he came through the door.
‘Yeah, alright,’ I murmured, and shovelled in a mouthful of noodles.
‘Just alright?’ he looked at me with furrowed brows, ‘You’ve been excited about this for months.’
‘We got an A+,’ I added, hoping it would stop him asking questions.
‘Brilliant.’ Dad grinned, and scruffed the top of my head with his palm until I had to slick my hair back into place. ‘And hello again, Jake. It’s been a while – you’ve grown so much. How are you finding London?’
‘It’s pretty good,’ he replied between bites.
‘Gosh, you kids are just full of conversation tonight.’ Dad shook his head, his eyes unable to hide the tiredness. ‘You going to take Jake up on the roof and show him the view?’
I nodded. It was the thing I had been most excited to show him: my little hiding spot out of my bedroom window that was just high enough to make you feel like some supernatural creature, overlooking the city, keeping a watchful eye, and letting the world pass you by.
It wasn’t quite the treehouse, but it was close enough.
‘You want to see?’ My voice was quiet, timid almost, as I prepared for the rejection. When he nodded, the weight lifted from my chest and I mustered a smile for the first time since our argument. ‘Come on.’
Following behind me, Jacob was silent aside from his controlled breaths.
Opening the door to my bedroom, I hesitated for a moment before stepping in.
My room was small, just big enough for a single bed and half a desk to work at.
It wasn’t like Hope Farm, or even Granny and Grandad’s, where the rooms are so wide that even a dropped pillow made an echo.
Everything seemed so homey there too. Each room had the Thorogood stamp on it, no surface was left unpainted or undecorated.
My house, however, stayed in shades of beige, just in case we needed to sell it.
I had my drawings pegged to a line of twine, not allowed to blu-tac the walls, or leave nails behind.
Jacob’s words kept running around in my head: ‘I was telling the truth. Something you apparently don’t do down here.’
My life in London was so different to the life on the farm.
And yet, I had no idea which version was the ‘real’ me.
Were either of them? Was Jacob disappointed in London me?
Maybe he only liked reckless, messy, fun Ava, when in reality, I was also city Ava – a girl with different friends and tidier hobbies.
But the person I was that day, he couldn’t even bring himself to smile at.
It was only then, after I had seen him in my ‘other’ world, that I realised there was such a difference.
It had never occurred to me before, in our summers covered in dirt, running wildly through the country, that when the holidays finished, things changed.
Until then, I could be two different people with two separate lives, but with Jacob’s arrival in London, I suddenly felt like I had to choose which was the real me.
But I thought both were real. It’s not like I was pretending, so why did I feel so fake?
‘You okay?’ he asked as we lingered in the doorway for too long.
Shaking my head and trying to dispel some of my thoughts, I pushed open the door wide enough for us both to fit through. ‘Yeah, yeah,’ I breathed, welcoming him in. ‘It’s not much. But it’s home, I guess.’
Jacob took no notice of the lack of floor space or the shadowy walls. He headed straight over to my desk and skimmed his eyes over my drawings. ‘How come none of these were in the art show?’
‘I didn’t even know you were paying attention.’ I wasn’t even trying to make a dig. He had just wandered around as though bored out of his mind. I’d barely seen him glance at my artwork, let alone notice which pieces I had or hadn’t included.
Peering over his shoulder, I took a look at which one he was talking about.
They were dresses I had designed for Granny – ones that kept hold of her signature style, full of colour and light, but they worked in compression garments, and added support for her as she struggled with her health.
Then, beside it was the design I made for Lizzie’s Christmas prom dress.
‘Those ones aren’t for show,’ I said simply. ‘They’re too special, and no one can really appreciate how much they mean.’
‘I do,’ he said, putting them down and setting his sights on the window. ‘The roof out here?’ He didn’t skip a beat.
Nodding, I unlatched it and hiked myself over the sill, and Jacob followed suit. Shimmying along the ledge, we finally came to a stop at a little square metre of flat roof space, just enough for the both of us to lean against the apex side by side and take in the view.
Sirens squealed, and cars revved their engines, but I relaxed into the sound, like a baby soothed by white noise. Jacob watched the city, and I watched him as he scanned the streets, looked out into the distance and stared into the abyss of the night sky.
‘I like to come out here to think. You can see so much, it feels so wide, so open, not as cramped as everything else.’ I spoke softly, unsure if he heard me over the traffic.
‘There are no stars.’ Jacob looked to me with sad, sloped eyes. ‘No wonder everyone is in such a rush here, when there’s nothing to slow down for. No constellations to get lost in, no sense that you are part of something bigger, greater.’
Jacob really doesn’t fit into this life.
I had thought perhaps him coming here would prove something to me, that we were meant to be something else, that we were something more than people who just enjoy one another’s company when the holidays rolled around.
Perhaps Jacob never really liked me … He just liked the farm, the adventure, the natural world, and I was just always there to come along for the ride.
‘I wish I could send you just a few from back home,’ he said. ‘We have plenty, and that way, you wouldn’t feel so far away.’
We sat with his words for a moment, letting the sound of the city fill the gap.
‘You know, it’s not that far away,’ I spoke as though addressing the night. ‘Just a couple of hours on the train.’
‘It feels worlds away, though. I had always pictured in my head that you’d have a garden just like your granny’s and you’d spend your weekends outside, just like you do back home.’
I looked at the little pot of petunias I had growing on the roof that had wilted to nothing but soil, and the shame grew. ‘You really hate it here?’ My heart thumped in my chest, praying he’d say no, contradict me aggressively, tell me he was happy wherever I was.
‘What? What makes you say that?’ He furrowed his brows as though confused, but he knew exactly what I was talking about.
‘It just feels like you’d rather be anywhere else today.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He sighed. ‘It’s just weird, because I didn’t fit in with any of your friends.
I couldn’t be more different from them. And it just got me thinking, if you had the choice back at the farm, if I wasn’t the only kid to play with when we met when we were eight, would you have ever looked twice at me? ’ A sad laugh escaped him.
I watched him from the corner of my eye. All I wanted to do was hold him.
‘Don’t be stupid. I’d have chosen you any day. I still would.’
‘Even if I am just some country bumpkin that has no idea about the world, who can’t keep up with your friends?’
‘I’m sorry, Jacob. I shouldn’t have said any of that. I didn’t mean it.’ I reached out my hand to take hold of his, and the relief when he didn’t pull away settled my anxiety for just a second.
‘I’m not sure what’s worse. You meaning it, or not but still saying it anyway.’
I stayed silent, unable to defend myself, ashamed of myself.
‘I’m sorry too. I was rude. I guess I was just so sure that I knew you better than anyone else in the world, and I was annoyed that I got it wrong.’
‘I promise you, you do know me best.’ I squeezed his hand tighter. ‘I just don’t think even I know who I am these days.’
‘You and me both.’ Jacob looked to me with a sad smile. I could tell from his expression that his thoughts were in as much turmoil as mine.
Perhaps he’s thinking the same now – that we don’t slot together as perfectly as we first thought. Maybe our real lives are just too different, that no summer romance, no treehouse fantasy, is enough to make us anything more than friends.