20 Aubie #2
I get it completely. I feel like a hypocrite telling Jimi to deny what I don’t think I can.
Because if Cutter walked through that door right now I’d be all over him like a rabid monkey.
I thought it would start to fade the longer he’s gone, but it’s only growing stronger.
And that worries me. It can’t be sustainable. It’s like chasing an unattainable high.
“Pretend you’re applying to the priesthood in the morning.”
He snorts and smacks my head. “Who says shit like that? Besides, I’d be even more determined to indulge in every sin known to man the night before.”
Yeah, I didn’t think that one through. “Well, I need you to commiserate with me.”
“Why?”
I can’t believe I’m bringing this up again. In the name of friendship…
“Because I fucked Cutter.”
He laughs and in that moment I sense I have him back. “Yeah, about that. Is this a thing now?”
“It’s not a thing,” I insist. “I just wanted to climb that.”
“And just like that he decided, the hell with my sexual preferences, I’ll change my life for Aubie Gauthier.”
I grin. “I’m just that good. And…I actually am relentless.”
He leans back and regards me for a minute. “That I can believe. The thing is, I thought you hated him.”
I shrug. “In a way I still do. But you know what they say about hate sex.”
“It’s the best.” He nods. “So is he your new fuckbuddy?”
“What? No. I’m just…” What? What the fuck am I doing with Cutter? “…doesn’t matter. You know me. One and done.”
? ? ?
I sleep wrapped up with Jimi. We don’t fuck around, and that has to be a first for us, but I knew he just needed someone to hold him.
And me? I don’t know what the fuck I needed, but having Jimi there helped to keep those questions at bay.
It’s raining when I get up, one of those soft grey rains that makes the world seem dreamlike. I sneak in a shower before I wake Jimi.
“Want a smoothie?” I murmur in his ear.
“Mmph.”
I smack his ass. “Time to get up, lover. It’s past noon.”
When I see him stir, I head for the kitchen. “Yes, on the smoothie? I’ve got strawberries, peaches, and a banana.”
“Throw them all in,” he mumbles.
He’ll be okay, I tell myself as I dig through the freezer for the frozen fruit. Oh, look at that, I have blueberries too. Well, he said throw them all in.
I’m loading everything in the blender when Jimi sneaks up behind me and plants a kiss on my neck.
“Thank you.”
I turn and smile at him. “You’d do the same for me.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “I thought that was something we were never to speak of.”
I turn away and busy myself with the blender. “Never say never, lover.”
While you’re throwing things in the blender, you can start with those kinds of thoughts. There will be no never say never. As the man said, that way lies madness.
Jimi picks through the bags of fruit on the counter. “You put blueberries in there?”
“You said throw it all in.”
He starts to say something, then shrugs. “I’ll try it.”
When I hit the start button, Jimi yells something at me. I point to my ear and hold up a finger until I finish with the blender.
“What?”
“I think someone’s at your door. You go check and I’ll get the glasses.”
The expression ‘you could knock me over with a feather’ pretty much describes how I feel when I open the door.
And every good intention I had goes fuckity bye.
“Cutter.”
I peek behind him for his bike, surprised I didn’t hear it, and see a battered black pickup pulled alongside Jimi’s Mustang.
“No bike today?”
He points up. “Rain.”
“Ah.” I nod. “So what brings you by?”
He shifts nervously from foot to foot. “I, uh, saw the car.” I’m assuming he means Jimi’s. “If you have company, that’s okay. I’ll go. I just…
“What?” I interrupt his adorable rambling.
“I just wanted to, you know, talk to you.”
Jimi comes up behind me and peeks out the door. “Oh, hey Cutter.” Like it’s no surprise he’s here, and I think that sets Cutter off more than anything because he turns beet red.
“H-hey Jimi.”
“I gotta go,” Jimi says to me with a peck on the cheek. “Thanks for the smoothie,” he holds up one of my thermal cups, “and last night.”
“No problem. Sure you’re okay?”
“I’m good. See you later.” He ducks around Cutter and runs to his car. Cutter watches him go and I can almost hear the panic in his thoughts.
“So, do you want to stand out there in the rain or you want to come in?”
He looks back and forth between Jimi’s car and me. “I’m sorry,” he says with a shake of his head. “Did I interrupt a hookup?”
Oh my god, is he jealous? I grin. “Not today. Just helping out a friend.”
I don’t know why I let him off the hook. Not when teasing him is so much fun. Maybe it’s the surprise of seeing him here. It’s like I summoned him with my thoughts.
I step back to invite him inside, but he shakes his head and holds his ground. “I think it’s better if I stay out here. I thought about calling, but I don’t know your number.”
“Give me your phone–”
He holds up his hand to back me off. “I don’t need it. That’s why I came by. This can’t happen.”
“What?” I ask, though I know exactly where he’s going. Isn’t that what I’ve been telling myself since he left yesterday? And why does it feel like someone shot me in the chest to hear him verify that?
“You and me. This…whatever it is. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it.
More than I like to admit. But you and me, we don’t mix.
It’s just…” He looks at anything other than me, and for some reason I take pity on him.
Jesus, all I need is for a bolt of lightning to come out of the sky and strike me now.
“I one hundred percent agree.”
That shocks him enough to meet my eyes, and what I see there makes me wish he hadn’t looked. I can’t unsee that. I need to send him on his way.
“Anything else?”
He seems to consider something, dismiss it, then change his mind again. “Um…I know we used a condom, but…”
I grin at him. Guess we should have covered this up front. “Relax, baby. I know I’m a slut, but I get tested regularly and I always use a condom. I’m also on PrEP.”
I don’t think he even realizes how sexy it is when he licks his lips. “Okay, that’s good to know.”
“What about you?”
“Me?”
“Yeah. When’s the last time you were tested?”
There goes that blush again. “I, um, haven’t had sex in over seven years, and before that it was only with one person.”
I don’t know what to say to that.