Fervor

Chapter 15

M y eyes were wide, and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Harlem jumped up from the bed and ran to the toilet. He was throwing up. I felt like I was barely breathing. He said Mo was his father. What the fuck?

I should have known this was too good to be true. He said he didn’t really have a relationship with him when we talked about our families, but I wanted to believe that he knew exactly who I was, especially after meeting up with us at the club that first time. That was why Vegas and Jungle were frowning at the wedding. They knew who he was. This was all fucked up.

I stood from the bed, on the verge of another panic attack. Maybe I had the dream after meeting him because my spirit picked up on this. I got my suitcase and started slinging shit in it. I couldn’t stay here. While I knew he wasn’t his father, he was a part of him. How could I carry on a relationship with a man who was closely related to the man that terrorized us? He didn’t look like him, but now that I knew, I couldn’t unknow.

When he turned back to me, and I saw the tears on his face, it hurt my heart. “You knew, didn’t you? That was why you let me go. That was why you stopped pressing me.”

“Vegas didn’t realize who I was. Jungle did though. I was rarely around that nigga. Once Jungle and Vegas enlightened me on who you were and what Mo had done, I knew I had to let go. That was another reason why I didn’t want to go too far at the club that night. I thought I wouldn’t see you again though. When you told me that you had to be rematched, my anxiety kicked up a bit about us possibly being paired.”

“So when did you have your interview?”

“Friday morning. In my mind, you were already about to get married to someone. I just wanted to move on, although I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I knew I had to stop eventually.”

“Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you stop the wedding? You had to know I would find out! Harlem! I fucked the son of the man that traumatized us! What the fuck! How am I supposed to deal with that?”

I went back to throwing clothes in my suitcase as he watched me. When I saw him approaching, I backed away from him. “No! Don’t come near me.”

“Yunique, I’m still the man you’re getting to know. I’m not lying about anything, and I’m not being pretentious. Everything you know about me is who I am. Please…”

“You withheld that information from me, because you were only thinking about yourself!”

“I was thinking about you! I didn’t want to set you back on your journey to healing! I didn’t want this to happen!”

“Well, guess what, nigga? It happened! I gotta get out of here. I can’t be in here with you right now. I caaaaan’t! This shit hurts so bad!”

I fell to my knees and balled up in the fetal position. I was in such turmoil from this. My head was fucked up, and karma had found my address. I often wondered how I would have to pay for what I did to Keke, and this had to be it. Revealing to her what Mo had done to her, when she had no recollection of any of it, was wrong. I’d unnecessarily traumatized her. She was behind the reason why Mo was dead.

When I felt Harlem’s hands on me, I quickly scooted away from him. “You know why he’s dead? He’s dead because I revealed to Keke what he’d done. Now I know how she felt to be gut checked. This shit hurts, Harlem! Fuck!”

His lip was trembling as I sat here practically pulling my fucking hair out. I took a deep breath because I could feel an anxiety attack brewing. My lower back was tightening, and that was what it usually did right before it started to spasm. I closed my eyes and continued taking deep breaths.

“I’m sorry, Yunique. When I saw that I was about to marry you, I didn’t want to stop it. I guess it was somewhat selfish. I wanted you, girl. You rocked my soul before I even met you. I chose you as my dentist just from looking at your picture online. I was attracted to you. After meeting you that day, I realized your picture didn’t do you justice. I wanted you before I even knew those details.”

I opened my eyes and stared at him for a moment. He wasn’t looking at me. He was sitting on the bed, facing the bathroom area, with his head down.

“You are so gorgeous and just everything I ever wanted. My sensitivity rarely shows itself, but I found that whenever I was in your presence, it was at the forefront. Hell, even thoughts of you caused it to shine through. I’m at my best when I’m near you, baby. I’m sorry for what that nigga did. I had no feelings about his death, and I knew that Vegas did it. Now that I know why he did it, I can thank him again for taking his despicable ass out of here.”

I scooted to the bed and rested my back against it as I stared at the floor. My breathing was somewhat labored again, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I left my medicine at home unintentionally. Standing from the floor, I got in bed and did what Vegas had me do a few weeks ago. I lay on my back and lifted my hands above my head then took deep breaths. My eyes were closed, but I could feel Harlem’s gaze on me.

He was everything I wanted in a man… everything. His admission fucked me up mentally though. I didn’t see a way for us to be together this way. Every time I looked at him, I would see Mo. His admission seemed to knock me back to square one.

“Yunique?”

When I opened my eyes to look at him and saw Mo’s face, I panicked all over again. I hopped up from the bed and quickly ran to the back door, butt ass naked. I stepped out on the porch and literally wanted to dive in the water. I couldn’t even swim that well. This shit was controlling me. It seemed whenever I thought I was better, something would happen to drag me right back to it. My trauma had me in its possession and refused to let me go.

I sobbed uncontrollably after flopping down in the chair. This trip was perfect until now, but this shit overpowered every emotion I’d felt since we’d been here. Even after death, Mo still held me in the palm of his hands, threatening to kill me at every turn. Standing from my seat, I went back inside, trying to calm down enough to talk to Harlem without screaming. When I walked in, he was in the kitchen, and he looked to be making tea. I knew he was making that for me. I was a tea drinker versus coffee. He’d learned that about me on this trip.

When he looked at me, I averted my gaze, then went to the chest to get clothes to put on. I wanted to leave, but I knew there was nowhere to go. There were no flights leaving out until the flight I was supposed to be on… with my husband.

As I got dressed, I heard music playing. Glancing at the kitchen area, I could see Harlem staring at me. I remained still, listening to the words. It was saying that he wanted to love me through it. That shit only produced tears once again. “If I love you through it, will you be there on the other side?”

I made my way to him and finally stared into his sad eyes. It was like I could see through them to his soul. This wasn’t his problem. It was mine. I couldn’t see past him being connected to Mo. I didn’t know if I ever would. I wouldn’t make any rash decisions right now, but I knew I needed space. I needed an extensive therapy session. I needed time to think.

Harlem slowly approached me after checking my tea. He let it continue to steep. When he got within arm’s reach, he stopped. His gaze was taking me down as it always did. I closed my eyes, but he said, “Please look at me, baby.”

I did as he requested, allowing my emotions of sadness, hurt, anger, and anxiety to all to expose themselves at once. I felt like I would pass out at any moment. He could clearly see how emotionally overwhelmed I was, because he slowly reached out to me, grabbing me just as I was about to topple over. He scooped me up in his arms, cradling me like a baby, softly kissing my forehead.

He went to the couch and sat, holding me in his arms, doing his best to soothe all my feelings of deception and fear. He kissed my head again and said, “I’m so sorry, baby. I know this is a lot for you, because it’s a lot for me to even stomach. Although I knew something horrible had happened, I didn’t know the full details until our wedding day, when I was guzzling that cold water. Just… please stay here and go get your massages tomorrow. I won’t go, and I promise to give you as much space as you want.”

I didn’t respond to him. While him being connected to Mo traumatized me all over again, I didn’t want to be alone. I wasn’t afraid of Harlem, and I knew he was being genuine. This mental shit was just hard to overcome. I definitely needed time to see if it was something I could get over. Maybe this was God’s way of forcing me to get over it for once and for all. That was the only way I would be able to continue being married to Harlem.

“Let me get your tea.”

I slid from his lap to the couch and watched him go to the kitchen. He added honey to it and a slight squeeze of lemon juice. After stirring it, he brought it back to me. It was extremely hard to verbalize any of my feelings right now. I was so conflicted inside. All I could say was, “Thank you.”

He sat next to me for a moment, staring at me as if waiting to see if I would say anything else. When I didn’t, he excused himself and went out the back door. Turning to see what he was doing, I noticed he’d sat in the same lounger I was in, but he was bent over with his face in his hands. Seeing his tears moved me just as mine did him… maybe even more. For him to show me how this shit was affecting him, too, eased me in a way. He had been struggling just as I was. He was just holding it in.

I turned back around and sipped my tea. I didn’t know how I would be able to function staying married to him, but at the same time, I didn’t know how I would function without him.

I felt like a zombie, just going through the motions. We’d been back in town for a couple of days, and today was my first day back at work. I had barely talked to anyone, even Giselle. It was her first day back as well. She’d been watching me all morning. She knew how I was, so she didn’t want to be pushy. However, I knew she was extremely concerned.

I hadn’t seen Harlem since we’d been back, but he’d texted and called every waking moment. My heart was heavy and filled with fear. My turmoil was hurting him, but I couldn’t seem to make it stop. We had an appointment with Arranged Hearts in two weeks, and I didn’t know if we would even be together when that time rolled around.

After checking a patient after Missy was done cleaning their teeth, I made my way to my office. I sat at the desk and brought my trembling hands to my face for a moment. When I lowered them, I saw Giselle standing in my doorway with a bouquet of roses. I knew they were from Harlem. It couldn’t be from anyone else.

“You can set it on the table. Thanks.”

She nodded and did as I requested. Once she set them down, she stared at me. “Have you called Mama for an appointment?”

“I left her a message this morning, requesting an emergency appointment. She probably already had a client.”

Giselle nodded. “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Did Arranged Hearts get it wrong?”

I shook my head quickly. “There was no way they could have known. He’s perfect. Everything I’ve ever wanted, housed in a thug-like personality. I was able to get past that though. He’s just connected to some things that traumatized me in my childhood. It’s no fault of his. It’s me and whether I can get past it.”

She nodded again. She didn’t push for details, and I was happy about that. Had I started talking about it, I would have had to cancel my day. I stood from my seat and pulled the card from the stem to read later. There was no way I could read his words of love. He hadn’t expressed feelings of loving me, but that was exactly what it felt like every time I was near him. The man really worshipped the ground I walked on.

When I set it on the desk, I looked up at Giselle and asked, “How’s my baby?”

She smiled. “Spoiled already. Gentry holds her all the time. He sleeps with her. She’s only six weeks old, and she smiles whenever she sees him. If he walks away without picking her up, she whines.”

G rolled her eyes as I chuckled. “That’s his baby. His first baby. I think that’s sweet,” I said as I felt an aching in my heart.

At this rate, I would never have my own children. I had better accept that. Before I could stop it, a tear slid down my cheek. Quickly swiping it, I asked, “Can I come over after work?”

“Nique, you never have to ask permission to come over. I’m worried about you though.”

I gave her a tight smile then closed my eyes for a moment. I nodded as I opened them. “I’ll be okay.”

“I don’t doubt that, but aren’t you tired of just being okay?”

My body shuddered at her words. I wanted to feel like I did a few days ago. Before that dreadful night, I felt like I was living in euphoria. I had made it to the place people often fictionalized. It was definitely real to me. Harlem had made all my dreams come true. I felt real romance… an overload of it.

Glancing up at her, I nodded but refused to get into it. She grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze, then left my office. I needed to regroup just that quickly. However, when I sat, I saw the card. Doing something I vowed I wouldn’t do until I got off work, I opened it.

Yunique,

Hey, baby. I hope these flowers brighten your day. If you’re still feeling like I am and like you were when we went our separate ways, I know you feel like shit. I’m sinking without you, baby. I miss you so fucking much. I can’t seem to function. I’ve been holed up in this house, staring at the walls, wishing that your laughter and sounds of passion would fill it. I need you, and I know you need me too. Please tell me we can see each other again soon. Feeling this way is foreign to me as an adult, especially about a woman.

You are a part of my soul, Nique. A man can’t live without a soul. I feel like I’m dying without you, girl. You make me whole… you give me purpose… you make me feel free to be me. Please don’t take that away. In such a short amount of time, you’ve buried yourself deep within me. I love you, Nique, and I’m not above begging. I won’t ever stop trying to convince you to come home. You are the only woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Only one thing will stop my pursuit of our happily ever after. Death.

Please call me so I can at least hear your voice. Please…

Harlem

I broke down at my desk, and when I felt Giselle’s arms around me, I knew there was no way I could continue my day. Harlem’s words of love and devotion had taken over and sent me straight into an anxiety attack. I jerked away from her, desperately trying to catch my breath. Nothing was working. The sweat was pouring from me, and I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.

Everyone’s voices were muffled, but they looked as frantic as I felt. I was pacing back and forth as they tried to subdue me and get me to breathe. Them crowding me only made it worse. The room was spinning, and the colors seemed to fade. My blinks were getting longer, and I was struggling to keep my eyes open just as I was struggling to breathe. I grabbed Giselle by the hand and looked into her eyes before I gave up.

My fight was gone, and I succumbed to anxiety, depression, and panic, forgetting the love, faithfulness, and euphoria I felt less than a week ago. I could no longer fight what seemed to be my fate. I closed my eyes and disappeared into the darkness I felt in my soul.