Chapter 17
“ I ’m so sorry you’re here, Yunique.”
“Me too.”
“Are you? Are you really ready to let this trauma go?”
I looked away from Dr. King as I took a deep breath. “I thought I did.”
“Look at me, Yunique.” I turned to her as my machine beeped. She glanced at it and said, “Dig deep inside yourself, and respond to me again. I can’t make it disappear, baby. You are the only person that can let go. You aren’t protecting yourself by remembering any of that. If you don’t let it go, it will kill you. None of us want to see you choose that. I’ve given you the tools to help you repeatedly. All the breathing techniques, prayer, mental and physical exercises, journaling, the options were endless. How much of it have you been doing?”
I swallowed hard, knowing that I hadn’t really done any of it. Staring down at my IV they’d put in my hand, I said, “None of it. I just moved on.”
“Yunique, the exercises are to help you get it out of your system. It’s normal to be triggered, but it’s not normal for it to affect you this way. You could have died, baby. You didn’t move on. You shoved it to the back of your mind.”
She stood and came to my bedside, and I watched tears fall from her eyes. “I’m your therapist, but over time, I truly feel like you’re my baby… my daughter. I hate to see the turmoil you’re in… that you are putting yourself through. Letting go isn’t easy, but you have to start making strides in that direction. Burying it inside does not help. That’s why you’re here.”
“I know but this situation…”
“I’ve talked to Harlem.”
My eyes widened. “He’s here?”
“Yes. He was here before me, pacing and crying. He loves you so much, baby. I understand you needing space to work through the revelation, but this? This isn’t the way to get space. Vegas, Keondra, Sasha, and your mother are on their way too. We all want what’s best for you. When you aren’t at your best, it worries all of us.”
She grabbed my hand, lifting it from the bed and kissed it. “Yunique? Do you want to die?”
“No. I’m just tired of fighting my thoughts… fighting my body.”
“Well, quit fighting after the fact and do the work so this doesn’t happen again. You have a lot of support. You know that. They had to do CPR on you to get you back. This is your flashing red warning. It smacked you right in the face to make sure you saw it. Please take heed. Whatever you need for any of us to do, we are here.”
I took a deep breath as my machine beeped again. My blood pressure was high. I closed my eyes and asked, “Can I have visitors?”
“Yes. I don’t think you need to be alone. I’m sure your family will want to take turns staying up here with you anyway… at least until we decide what we will do.”
“What do you mean?”
“You may need to go to a psych ward, baby. I’m not going to take it easy on you and ignore the signs simply because I know you and you’re family. I have to do my job.”
Tears fell down my cheeks. I didn’t want to have to go to a psych ward. However, I knew I needed to accept whatever was best for me. I nodded then asked, “Can I see Harlem first?”
“Yunique—”
“Please?”
She smiled slightly. I supposed me wanting to see him gave her a slither of hope in my recovery. She nodded then left the room. I closed my eyes and thought about what I’d been through. I literally had an out-of-body experience. Seeing myself on the floor unresponsive was hard. I was confused at first, just simply staring at myself. When I realized what was happening, it was like I started screaming at myself to wake up. I don’t want to die.
Within seconds after I made that declaration, I was sucked back into my body. I literally thought that I did want to die at first. However, after seeing what my death would do to the people I loved, I changed my mind. I knew I needed to feel that way for myself. I needed to be concerned about me and not what everyone else thought and felt.
As I lay here, reevaluating my life and mental health, Harlem stepped inside the room. Instead of feeling scared and overwhelmed, I felt a sense of relief. I closed my eyes briefly, trying to restrain tears. I felt like a big ass crybaby, and I just wanted all of this to stop. He came closer and stood at my bedside. When I saw how red his eyes were, I could no longer contain them.
He grabbed my hand and kissed it. “Hey, baby.”
“Hey. I’m sorry.”
“What are you apologizing for? I’m sorry. This is my fault.”
I slowly shook my head. Before I could correct him, the nurse entered the room. She checked my machine and said, “Doctor King put in an order for something for your blood pressure.”
I nodded. She had a syringe of medicine. She scanned it then my hospital bracelet, then pushed it through my IV. “This should make you feel better. Do you have a headache?”
“It’s slight, but it’s there.”
She placed her hand on my shoulder and gave me a soft smile. “I’m leaving for the day, so I hope you have a speedy recovery, if you aren’t here when I return to work in a couple of days.”
“Thank you.”
When she left the room, I turned my attention back to the gorgeous man standing here, who just wanted to love me. “This wasn’t your fault, Harlem. It was my fault. While the situation was tough, it shouldn’t have affected me this severely. I didn’t deal with the trauma properly, as Doctor King suggested. I was hardheaded. It was like I thought I didn’t need to do all those things, as if I were the professional.”
I slowly shook my head as I thought about things. “If I was just going to do what I wanted to do, I was wasting time at those therapy sessions.”
“So where does that leave us, baby? I mean… I’m not going anywhere. I meant what I said in that note. I feel like that pushed you here.”
I closed my eyes as I reflected on his beautiful words of love and devotion. That didn’t push me here. “No. I got myself here by fighting against what I feel for you because of what I thought it looked like. I got myself here by not properly dealing with what Mo did to us, especially when I had all the tools to be better. I wasted Doctor King’s time. If anything, your words gave me something to look forward to.”
“What’s that?”
“Being in love.” I cleared my throat as I adjusted the oxygen mask. I wanted to yank that shit off. “I’m gonna need some time alone to really deal with my demons, but I still wanna see you every day. I need you too, Harlem… more than I thought. I thought I would have to live the rest of my life without you. This is going to be a long, hard road, but I’m willing to do it right this time. I’m going to give it my all. I don’t want to die.”
“I will do whatever you need me to do except let you go. I love you, Yunique. We have a life to build… a family to create.” He closed his eyes and slowly shook his head. “You got me forever, baby. I’m just so relieved that you can see how much you mean to me.”
I nodded slowly. Harlem leaned over and kissed my forehead. Before he could pull away, I brought my hand to his cheek. Using my other hand, I removed the mask and pulled his face back to me. I needed to feel his lips against mine. When he kissed me, I was taken back to Tahiti. The way he loved on me the entire time was what I needed to focus on.
He could have pretended he didn’t know Mo and not told me at all. The admission of that later in our marriage or me simply finding out would have really killed me, especially since I’d mentioned Mo’s name. Moore was such a common last name. Him having the same last name as Mo didn’t even cross my mind. That was another reason why I thought I was done with it.
Maybe I’d made progress and just didn’t realize I wasn’t done with the journey. It was like taking antibiotics to get rid of an infection and not finishing the prescription because you started feeling better halfway through it. The doctors said to finish it, but a lot of times, people didn’t. I’d started the work. Had I not, I wouldn’t have been able to be with Harlem at all. I didn’t finish the prescription.
“I’m not only gonna be better for myself, but you deserve a better version of me too. Our last couple of days in Tahiti was bullshit, and I allowed it to overshadow just how amazing the trip was. I’ve never felt so loved and cherished. You are definitely not your father’s son. Your mother raised a real man with a wonderful personality and a heart that knows no bounds. I can’t wait to fall in love with you, Harlem. This breakdown was not about you. It was about my lapse in my healing journey.”
He kissed my hand then pulled my mask back down over my mouth as I rolled my eyes. “You need it. You sound a little winded. I ain’t never cried over anyone other than when I lost my mama. You a rare breed, Yunique Mott. A rare breed that snatched my fucking soul. I promise, if you would have checked outta here, I would have checked out right behind you. Don’t worry about me or no one else. Focus on getting better so you can come home. We need to figure out where we gon’ live, girl.”
I chuckled. “Yeah. We both have houses that neither of us has had the pleasure of seeing. We have decisions to make.”
“Yep. And houses to christen.”
I smiled as he leaned over and kissed my forehead again. Closing my eyes, I knew I was making the right decision. Harlem caressed my hand and said, “Get some rest, baby. You look worn out. Plus, your sisters are out there cutting up, wondering why there can’t be more than one visitor at a time back here.”
I chuckled silently. “Okay. You go get some rest too. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He nodded then lifted my mask and kissed my lips again. When he left, I inhaled deeply and slowly released it, knowing I had plenty of work to do. I was worth it, though, and so was Harlem.
I giggled as I watched Keke and Sasha dance. They were idiots. I had been in the psych ward for two days. They kept me in Tallahassee Memorial for two days to make sure I was physically okay, poking and prodding every three hours it seemed. Doctor King had me going through extensive therapy. I had to attend three one-hour sessions daily. While I didn’t want to do it, I knew it had to be necessary. She wouldn’t have me doing it if she didn’t think I needed it. Doctor King wanted to keep me here for a week.
“Jungle is in town,” Sasha said.
“What’s he doing here?” I asked.
She gave me a slight smile. “To see about you. In his words, ‘Yonkers’s pride and joy.’”
I smiled slightly. My mama told me that he used to talk about how special I was to his boys all the time. Ice and Joshua were the closest to him, and at a particular point in time, so was Mo. She said he used to brag about how beautiful and smart I was. When I looked in the mirror, I could see him. We all had his dark skin, me even more so. I was the darkest of the three of us.
I also had his smile. Yonkers didn’t smile a whole lot, but when it was just me and him, I cherished every time he did. Most nights, he would put me to bed. He often told me stories or read a book to me until I started reading longer ones. By the time I was seven, I wanted to read chapter books. So he started telling more bedtime stories. Once Keke was born, our time lessened, but I was old enough to understand that he had to divide his time between the two of us.
Once my sisters took their seats, Keke said, “Mama is going to come later. She said we probably needed our sisterly bonding time. She’s babysitting Brielle and Corben.”
“Okay. I need to see them before y’all go back home. How long are you staying?”
“We leave in a couple of days,” Keke responded. “I wish we could stay until you got out of here, but maybe I’ll be able to fly back in a couple of weeks to check on you.”
“I understand that y’all have lives and families to take care of. It’s okay. I’m okay. This time, I’m going to follow through.” I cleared my throat slightly. “How’s Harlem?”
“He hasn’t been here?”
“Yeah, but I want to know how he’s really doing. He’s not going to let me see him feeling any emotion other than love and strength right now.”
They looked at one another as I swallowed hard. I could tell he was hiding his true emotions. He came to visit yesterday, but he only stayed for ten or fifteen minutes. I knew this was hard for him, and I hoped he wasn’t regretting sticking this out with me. He said he loved me, and I knew true love shouldn’t have conditions, but it just happened so fast. Maybe he was feeling a strong sense of lust, and because he cared for me as well, he confused it with love,
I closed my eyes for a moment as I soaked in everything they weren’t saying. Exhaling a deep breath, I said, “Just tell me.”
“I think he’s scared.”
I opened my eyes to look at Keke. “Scared of what?”
“Losing you.” She lowered her head for a moment. “He’s quiet mostly when he’s around us. He’s been spending more time with Vegas though. So he probably knows more about his feelings. He’s not very expressive in front of us.”
I nodded. Harlem protected his sensitive side around people he didn’t know. I got that, because I did it too. A lot of times, my own family didn’t realize how sensitive I could be. Unfortunately, this incident showed just how vulnerable and weak I could get. I thought I needed space from Harlem, but I realized these past few days that it wasn’t what I needed at all. I should have known that just from the few days without him after we returned home.
I grabbed my phone from the bed table and sent him a message. Hey. I miss you. Are you coming to see me today? I need to talk to you.
He responded immediately. Hey, baby. I miss you so much. I was hoping you would reach out. I was trying to respect your healing time. Of course, I will come see you. I can be there whenever you want me to be.
There was a knock on the door as I texted, Please come now.
When Jungle and Vegas walked in, I smiled. I didn’t have any biological brothers, but those two men were my brothers. I was angry at them at first for not telling me, but I had to quickly check myself. They were only trying to protect me.
“Hey, sis. How you feeling?” Vegas asked as he leaned over and kissed my head.
“I’m okay. Thanks. How are you?”
“Good.”
Jungle didn’t say anything. He just kissed my forehead. Keke and Sasha quietly left the room as Jungle said, “I’m sorry, Nique. I knew who Harlem was when I first saw him at the club. I just didn’t want to traumatize you unnecessarily. When I found out you had gone to Arranged Hearts, I figured there was no point in saying anything. I didn’t know your first match had backed out. Harlem had told us that he’d gone there, too, but his interview was after you’d been matched. Even though y’all got a lil rowdy in the club that night, again, I figured after that, y’all wouldn’t even really be around each other like that anymore. I should have said something. When he walked in the venue at the wedding, I almost had a fit.”
He slowly shook his head. “Jungle, it’s okay. It’s not your fault. I know y’all were trying to protect me. I’m falling in love with that man. While his father was the devil himself, none of that was passed down to him. What Mo did has nothing to do with Harlem. I just didn’t know how to handle the news because after all this time, I still hadn’t healed from what Mo did. I’m determined to put that shit behind me forever.”
They both nodded. Vegas slid his hand down his face and said, “I didn’t know Mo was his father until Jungle told me, but I still knew beforehand. Like him, I didn’t want to bring that shit up if I didn’t have to. I know you saw our facial expressions and demeanors at the wedding. At that point, I felt like it was up to him to enlighten you. I didn’t think it would happen this soon though. We didn’t tell him the details of what really happened until the reception.”
“He told me that. I was angry at first, but that was because I was blaming everyone else for my breakdown instead of the person responsible. Y’all were walking on eggshells around me because you knew I was fragile when it came to that. I didn’t deal with my trauma properly. Going through therapy and counseling sessions to only do what I wanted to do anyway was a waste of my time and Doctor King’s time. I am the one responsible for my breakdown.”
“No matter how healed you are, this situation would have still been hard to deal with. Don’t be too hard on yourself,” Jungle said.
“Yeah, but it shouldn’t have nearly killed me, Jungle. I’d stopped breathing. I literally had an out-of-body experience. I saw myself dying,” I said as a tear slid down my cheek. “I have so much to live for. I have a husband who loves and cherishes me. That’s something I’ve always wanted. I can’t let what happened over thirty years ago hinder me simply because the perpetrator is biologically related to him. He barely knew him and didn’t feel one way or the other about him being killed. Had they had a close relationship, this would have probably gone a different direction.”
“No doubt about that. He knows I did it, so if they were close, either I would be locked up or one of us would be dead.”
There was a knock at the door, and I knew that was Harlem. I sat up slightly as the door opened. When he stepped inside, he had a bouquet of flowers. He closed the door and rested his back against it, staring at me like he did that night in Tahiti. I stared right back, feeling my entire body heat up. It didn’t heat up in the way it did that night. Today was different. It was like our souls were at ease. I loved sex with him, but this moment wasn’t even about that. It was deeper.
Vegas and Jungle stood, and Harlem stepped away from the door toward my bedside so they could leave out of it. He didn’t acknowledge them, and I knew it wasn’t personal. This moment was about him and me… our marriage… our unquenchable desire to be together, no matter what came our way. I love him.