Chapter 14 #3
I come with his name on my lips and his dark gaze pinning me in place as I shatter into pieces that I might struggle to fit back together when I eventually have to leave.
After the first night I sleep over, it’s far too easy to keep doing it. Someone needs to keep an eye on Cooper during the day—at least that’s how I rationalise it—so why not let it be me?
I do go back to the annexe to work on my book, and I pretend I have every intention of sleeping in my own bed, but we both know I won’t. As soon as Pete’s headlights illuminate the night, I’m all too fucking eager to shut down my laptop and meet him at his front door.
We eat together, sleep together, take Cooper on all the walks we can squeeze in, and have more sex over the next few days than I’ve had in the last year.
The days pass quicker than I’m prepared for, and when Friday rolls around again, it comes as such a shock that I have to check the date on my phone twice before it sinks in.
December nineteenth.
How is it less than a week before Christmas?
I glance over at Pete, fast asleep beside me, and then down at the foot of the bed where Cooper has crept during the night. And how the fuck am I supposed to go home and not wake up to this every morning? I scrub my hands over my face, swallowing the heavy, resigned sigh threatening to escape.
I’ve only got myself to blame.
I know that.
Doesn’t make it any easier.
A warm hand finds my hip under the quilt. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I glance over at him.
Pete’s soft, sleepy smile makes my ribs feel tight, my chest contracting to the point it hurts to look at him. But I can’t look away either. Need to get my fill while I still can.
I also need to snap out of this mood, because there’s no way I’m being a miserable arse on our last day together.
Even if I’m all twisted up inside.
“You okay?” He shuffles closer, hand sliding around to rest on the small of my back. His eyes fall closed again, like it’s an effort to keep them open.
It’s still early, so I don’t blame him. I’d go back to sleep if I could and pretend today wasn’t happening. “Yeah,” I manage, hoping he attributes the gravel in my voice to being half-asleep still.
His hand starts a slow, soothing circle on my back, and I can’t keep the sigh in this time.
“I was thinking,” he says, eyes still closed.
“I’ve got to work tomorrow, but did you want to go to the pub for dinner after?
We could meet with Sean and Vic. Maybe Jerry and Reed too.
” He yawns, jaw cracking, like my fucking heart.
But he’s not finished. “We can take Cooper so he’s not on his own all night. ”
I have to swallow twice past the sudden lump in my throat. “All that sounds wonderful, but I won’t be here tomorrow night.”
I watch his face, see his brow crease in confusion as it takes a second for my words to register. Then his eyes snap open, realisation a heavy weight in his pained gaze. “Fuck.”
“Yeah.” What else is there to say?
Fully awake now, Pete props himself up on his elbow and looks down at me. “You could stay longer, if you wanted?” Hope lights up his face now, and I hate that I’m about to crush it.
“I can’t.” With the last three weeks spent writing my book and with Pete, I haven’t bought a single present.
I’m so behind with everything, even for me.
“I’ve still got all my Christmas shopping to do.
” Yes, I could do it online, but I’ve left it too late to trust delivery dates.
“I’ve also got my work’s Christmas do that I can’t miss, and a night out with Seb and some of our other friends that we arranged months ago. ”
I’d give it all up to wipe the defeated look off Pete’s face, but the reality is that I’ve got to go home at some point. That’s never going to change.
“Okay.” Pete rallies and pulls me close until our bodies are flush.
“Then we’d better make the most of today then.
” His kiss is achingly soft, and I sink into it greedily, pushing everything else to the farthest corners of my mind.
He’s right, we have a whole day together and I’m not about to waste a single second.
We fuck as the sun slowly lightens the sky.
Every touch and kiss saying what we can’t with words.
After breakfast, we walk Cooper along the fields at the back of Pete’s house. It’s cold and frosty, but my borrowed gloves and coat keep me toasty warm. I hope he realises he’s not getting that coat back. I’m keeping it along with the gloves I took last year.
As much as I want to spend all of our last day together, there’s no way he can stay home. The Christmas tree farm is busier than ever, and sooner than I’d like, he has to go.
Cooper joins me on the sofa, a routine we’ve perfected over the last few days. I stroke his head, marvelling at how far he’s come in such a short time. As yet, no one’s claimed him, despite Jerry’s inquiries. I really hope no one does either.
He’s better off here with Pete.
“I’m going to miss you too,” I tell him as he settles down to sleep.
His fur is silky soft as I run my fingers through it over and over.
I glance at my laptop, sitting closed on the coffee table.
There’s no point even reaching for it; no part of me is in the mood for writing today.
I can’t even muster up the energy to kill off the bad guys.
Besides, there’s something else I need to do today, despite how much I don’t want to. But neither do I want to waste any of the time when Pete gets home.
With another deep, heavy sigh, I take Cooper and head over to the annexe.
By the time familiar headlights shine through the windows, my stuff is all packed and the annexe is as clean and tidy as I found it.
It’s like I was never here.
We eat takeaway on the sofa, watching the next episode of Slow Horses. Another thing I’m going to miss when I go. We’re only on season one, but I’m not sure I can bring myself to watch it without him. When I say as much, Pete sighs.
“We could do a buddy watch.”
“What?”
He shrugs. “We FaceTime and we both watch the episode at the same time.”
It’ll be a poor substitute for watching it with Pete’s arm wrapped around me and a dog at my feet, but I cling to it anyway. “Yeah, we could try that.”
“Okay,” he says, like that’s settled. Like there isn’t a huge elephant in the room that neither of us wants to address.
When we go to bed, Pete pulls me to him as soon as we enter his room. I’ve got my back to his chest, his arms wrapped securely around my waist. I close my eyes and lean into his solid body, safe in the knowledge that he can easily take my weight.
He nuzzles my neck like it’s his favourite place to be. “I want you to fuck me tonight.” He kisses the words into my skin. “If that’s something you’d be into?”
“Fuck,” I manage, the images flooding my brain, stealing my ability to speak.
He huffs out a laugh. “Is that a yes?”
“Yeah.” I turn in his arms, wrapping mine around his neck. “Of course it’s a fucking yes.” I kiss him hard. Pouring everything into it so he can feel how much of a yes it is.
There’s no laughter this time as we shed our clothes, only soft kisses and eager hands as we topple onto the bed and get what we need to make this happen.
He lies on his back, brings his knees up, and spreads his legs wide, murmuring, “Like this.”
“Yeah.” I want to see him too. Want to watch him fall apart as I give him what he’s asked for.
It occurs to me, as I slowly push inside him, that maybe Pete wants this now because he thinks he might not get the chance again. I want to say he’s wrong, but I don’t know what’ll happen when I leave here and we’re no longer in each other’s space all the time.
If this is the last time we’re together like this, then I’m going to squeeze every last ounce of pleasure out of it. For both of us.
And that’s what I do.
I fuck Pete like I’m committing him to memory, drawing out his pleasure until he’s a writhing, sweaty mess underneath me.
I kiss his neck, teeth grazing over the base of his throat as he presses his head back into the pillow.
Stubble scrapes my lips, my tongue, as I kiss my way up to find his mouth.
His legs wrap tight around my back as I drive into him again and again, chasing the edge of an orgasm I can feel building quicker than I’m ready for.
I want this to last forever, want to stay in this moment and not have to deal with what’s waiting for us on the other side, but the clutch of Pete’s body around me makes that impossible.
I hit that spot inside him and his low moan wraps around me, urging me on until neither of us can hold back any longer. It’s messy and amazing and I cling on to it for as long as I possibly can.
Afterwards, he tugs me into his arms, holding me just this side of too tight, but I need it as much as he does.
“What happens after tomorrow?” His voice is soft, as if he doesn’t want to disturb the quiet surrounding us.
“I don’t know,” I admit, because honestly? I have no fucking clue. I’ve never been in this position before.
Pete kisses the top of my head. “I’d like to keep seeing you.”
“I’ll be almost four hours away.”
He tenses. “And?”
“And realistically, we’d only be able to see each other at weekends.” Everything inside me screams to say yes, but my head knows how hard long-distance can be on an established relationship, let alone a fledgling one like ours.
“You can say no. If you’d rather end this when you leave, then you’re allowed to want that.”
“I don’t want that. But—” I break off, not wanting to voice my fears out loud. Not when we’re tucked up against each other like this.
“But what?” He kisses me again. “It’s okay, Charlie. I want to know how you’re feeling, no matter what that is.”
I reach for his hand, entwining our fingers, needing the contact. “I’m worried that this feeling will fade when I leave here. That once we get a little space, a little perspective, things won’t feel so intense, so . . .”
“Right? Perfect? Like we’re meant to be?
” He whispers the words, but they hit like a sledgehammer because, yes, that’s exactly how it feels.
And how is that possible after only three weeks?
When I don’t say anything, he sighs but pulls me closer instead of pushing me away.
“I don’t believe the way I feel about you will change just because we’re no longer in such close proximity.
I like you a whole fucking lot, Charlie. ”
“I like you too.” More than like you. But saying that would be cruel.
“How about this,” he offers, and I’m all ears. “Go home. Take all the time you need to decide if what we have is real, if it’s something you want to keep and strengthen instead of letting go.”
I swallow thickly, heart hammering in my chest. “And if I do want that? What then?” Because I’m still not seeing a solution here.
“Then we work it out. Together.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
That startles a laugh out of him. “Oh, I know it won’t be easy; far from it.” He tilts my chin until we’re facing each other, and I get lost in the depth of blue eyes that hold so much promise that I want to believe every word he’s saying. “But nothing worthwhile ever is.”