Chapter 15
PETE
Saturday morning brings with it a beautiful winter’s day. Blue sky dotted with fluffy white clouds and air crisp enough to mist your breath. A morning I’d love under any other circumstance.
Charlie puts the last of his bags in the boot of his car and closes it. The click of the lock sounds final in a way I hate. “That’s everything.”
“Not quite.” He looks confused until I hand him the book he lent me, what seems like months ago but is probably not even two weeks. “Here.”
His eyes widen as he takes it from me. “You finished it?”
“I did.” I smile despite myself. “Loved every word, even if it made me jump at every fucking sound my old house makes.”
He grins, clearly delighted by that. “Thank you.”
“No.” I shake my head. “Thank you. For trusting me with something that means so much to you.”
A blush colours his cheeks and he ducks his head. “You’re welcome.”
I don’t want to do this. Don’t want to say goodbye to someone who has slotted so easily into my life. But unfortunately, I still have Christmas trees to sell to last-minute decorators, and Charlie has his own life to get back to. A life that isn’t here.
Cooper chooses that moment to come outside. I know for a fact that Charlie’s already said goodbye to him about five times, not that Cooper has any idea Charlie won’t be around anymore. Won’t be there to cuddle up with on my sofa.
Fuck, the thought of that chokes me up a little and I have to look away as Charlie crouches down to greet him.
“Hey,” he coos, and Cooper’s tail swishes happily. “I’m gonna miss you.” There’s a hitch in his voice and I feel it deep in my chest. This is fucking awful.
Whose idea was it to get involved with someone who was never going to stay?
Oh, right, that would be me.
Do I regret it?
I look at Charlie. He’s got his head rested on top of Cooper’s, eyes closed as he says yet another goodbye. No, I could never regret it. Even if it hurts to watch him stand and blow out a breath that sounds a little shaky to my ears.
He’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long fucking time. And I need him to know it before he drives away. I catch his hands in mine as he comes to stand in front of me. “Watching you go hurts more than I expected.”
He laughs, but it’s tinged with a sadness that makes me ache. “Right? What the fuck were we thinking?”
I shrug. “Even knowing how hard this is, I’d do it all again. These last three weeks have been amazing. I’m glad you came into my life, Charlie.”
He blinks back tears before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. “Me too.”
I bury my face in the crook of his neck and breathe him in one last time. “Remember what I said. This doesn’t have to be goodbye for us. Not forever, not if you don’t want it to be.”
“I’m sorry—”
“No.” I pull back enough to cup his jaw. “You’ve nothing to be sorry for. We went into this knowing there was an end date. It’s not your fault I want to extend it indefinitely.” But I fucking wish you wanted that too.
I hold him for a while longer, neither of us keen to let go, but eventually he sighs and steps away.
“I should get going.”
“I should get to work.” Sadie will understand, but I can’t leave her on her own for too long.
I’m not prepared for him to surge forward and kiss me, and I stumble back a bit before regaining my footing. Doesn’t stop me from kissing him back twice as hard.
It’s bittersweet, but I don’t want it to end.
Can’t keep him here, though.
I watch him walk to his car, get in, and start the engine. Watch as he reverses, then drives away, taking my heart with him.
Cooper whines, like he’s finally realised something’s happening. I crouch next to him and pull him close. “Me too, mate. Me too.”
I don’t want to leave Cooper on his own today, so I take him to work with me. I can admit it’s probably more for my benefit than his.
Sadie takes one look at the pair of us and pulls me into a hug, then gives Cooper a dog treat. She doesn’t say anything about Charlie, for which I am incredibly thankful.
Despite everything, the morning passes quickly. I can thank the influx of last-minute tree buyers for that. It’s just after lunch when my phone chimes with a text. I almost knock over both my and Sadie’s coffees in my haste to pick it up.
Charlie: I’m home. Thank you for the beautiful wreath and the mini tree. Not sure how you managed to get them into my car without me noticing, but thank you. They’ve given my flat a little festive cheer
I’d put them in first thing this morning. I honestly thought he’d spot them as he packed his car, but obviously he didn’t look in the back.
Pete: Couldn’t have you going home to a flat with no decorations
The tree was only about a foot and a half tall, but it was in a little red pot with lights wrapped around it and miniature baubles hung on its tiny branches. I wanted to give him something to remind him of his time here. To remind him of me.
Charlie: I got you a little something too. It should arrive tomorrow
Pete: You didn’t have to do that
Charlie: I know. I wanted to
We text back and forth, skirting around anything heavy until I notice the car park has suddenly got super busy again.
Pete: I have to go, looks like everyone and his dog decided to come get a tree today
Charlie: Okay. Talk later x
One little x is all it takes to make my stomach swoop and a spark of hope to ignite. That has to be a good sign, right? I stare at it for way too long before realising I need to reply and not leave him hanging.
Pete: Later x
The package Charlie sent is waiting by my front door when I get home the following evening. Cooper gives it a quick sniff before deciding there’s nothing edible inside and quickly loses interest. It’s got a bit of weight to it when I pick it up, and the familiar shape draws a smile out of me.
I’m already ninety percent sure I know what it is by the time I get inside and set it on the counter. I’m full-on grinning when I open it and find the next two books in his mystery/suspense/horror series.
Maybe, just maybe, I’m not the only one who wanted to leave a reminder.
Pete: Thank you for the books
Charlie: You’re welcome. Hopefully you weren’t lying about loving the first one, otherwise things are going to get awkward real quick
He’s added a couple of laughing emojis but I can almost feel the undercurrent of doubt in the words.
Pete: I wasn’t lying
Charlie: Well in that case, I hope you love them as much as the first one
Pete: I’m sure I will
I just wish you were here to talk about them with me.
We chat back and forth about our days, avoiding anything serious.
I want to ask if he misses me like I miss him, but it’s only been one day.
Pretty sure that’ll send him running for the hills.
Instead, I tell him about Cooper, send him a few pictures of him looking unbearably cute in the Christmas hat Sadie stuck on his head with a lot of bribery.
Eventually, Charlie has to go to meet Seb and I sigh as I set my phone down next to the books.
I ask Alexa to play a local radio station to get rid of the quiet and glance around at my home with another wistful sigh.
I’ve taken down the mistletoe since we brought Cooper home, but everything else Charlie and I put up taunts me with Christmas cheer that I’m struggling to feel with him gone.
I know it’s ridiculous.
I was happy in my life before he came here. It shouldn’t be this hard to get that back.
It is though.
So fucking hard.
He barrelled into my life like a tornado, and the wreckage left behind is devastating.
I roll my eyes and scowl at the sappy Christmas songs playing in the background. Mariah is way too on point for my liking.
Jesus, Pete.
Stop being so fucking dramatic.
Charlie hasn’t said no to more. He hasn’t said yes, either, but that’s beside the point. And he’s only a few hours down the road, not the other side of the world. Though after having him so close for the past week, it sure feels like it.
The closer it gets to Christmas Day, the more determined I am not to be a miserable arse just because Charlie has asked for time to sort out his feelings. I have friends and I have family and no good reason not to celebrate with them.
So that’s what I do.
I invite Sadie and Tim over for dinner, and I meet Jerry, Sean, and their better halves at the pub. No one avoids talking about Charlie—for which I could kiss them—but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt to be around people so obviously in love when I’m yet again on my own.
But it’s also fun and lovely and I’ve never appreciated them more.
After a little cajoling, I spend Christmas Eve with Sadie and Tim.
The food is amazing, their home warm and welcoming, and for a few wonderful hours, I forget that I’m a little heartbroken.
When it’s time to leave, my sister catches me in a tight hug. “You can stay here,” she says for about the tenth time this evening.
Even though my answer is the same, I still love that she’s asked. “Thank you, but I’d like to wake up in my own big bed, not that tiny thing you call a guest bed.”
Predictably, she huffs. “It’s not that small.” She’s still not letting me go, though.
“I’m okay, Sadie.” I give her a squeeze before gently easing her back. “I promise.”
She studies my face, checking the veracity of that statement. “Are you?”
“Yes.” And I am. Do I wish Charlie were here? Yeah, of course I do. But we still text every day, so I’m clinging to the hope that things might still work out okay. And if they don’t, I’ll deal with it then.
“Okay,” she says eventually. “Let me know when you get home—”
“It’s literally five minutes down the road.”
“Humour me.” She sounds just like our mum, not that I’d ever dare say that. “And I’ll see you at Mum and Aunt Sarah’s tomorrow for Christmas dinner.”
“Night, sis. See you tomorrow.”
It’s just gone midnight when I get home.
Cooper greets me as I unlock the door and my phone lights up with a text message. I assume it’s Sadie checking up on me, impatient as ever, so I ignore it in favour of taking my boots off and hanging up my coat.
When I finally check the screen, my breath catches, and I can’t unlock it fast enough.
Charlie: Merry Christmas, Pete. I’ll be busy with family for the next few days, so I wanted to say it now. I haven’t forgotten what we talked about. I just need a little more time to sort things out
Charlie: I miss you x
I read the messages again, and then once more, just to make sure I’m not wrong to let that tiny ball of hope inside me unfurl and grow.
I skim through the first message: it’s nothing he hasn’t said before, but the second one .
. . that’s new. And it’s what I’ve been wanting to hear since the moment he left.
Pete: Merry Christmas. I miss you too x
So fucking much.
Pete: And take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere x
I reread that last text as I hit Send and wince.
Maybe that’s the problem.