Chapter 7 #2
“What? And you thought I was the one who lost his mind.”
He approaches, a determined glint in his gaze.
“Think about it. How long will it take you to find someone you can do this with? You’ll have to troll these apps and sites, get someone willing to try these oddly specific things with you—unprotected, I might add.
And you have no way of knowing if you can trust them with that, especially since you need to have multiple sessions.
What if you meet a guy who just wants to use you for once or twice and then you have to start over?
And you have no idea what kind of person would agree to this.
You could run into some sicko perv who just wants to take advantage of you. ”
“Obviously, I’ve considered all that.” And him bringing it up only adds to how overwhelmed I already feel about it all.
“Well, I don’t like the idea of someone getting off inside you repeatedly while you’re just trying to do something that puts you in such a vulnerable position, and not just your body, but with what this means to you.”
“Please don’t try to make it sound seedier than it already is,” I say, turning away from him. I can’t look at him while my cheeks are this hot. Doesn’t he get how humiliating this is? He doesn’t have to rub it in.
He moves closer. “Alexei, you know me.” He pulls his phone out of his jacket pocket, keying around before displaying it for me. I don’t know what I’m looking at until I see all the negatives. “I got tested last week. Everything’s good.”
“Don’t show me that,” I say, swatting his phone away.
He tucks it back in his pocket. “Come on. It’s not like I’m gonna like it, so it’ll just be clinical.
We do that, and we get through it. Together.
And I swear to you, no one will ever fucking know a damn thing about it.
I’ll protect you. Your privacy. Your body.
I know I can’t stop you from doing this, but it doesn’t have to be a fucking nightmare. ”
My gaze meets his, and as I look into his eyes, I don’t doubt how serious he is, yet I can’t make sense of it. “You’d do that for me?”
“I told you, I get why you need to do this, but it doesn’t have to be dangerous.”
It reminds me of what he said about his biological parents. Not knowing. Evidently, I’ve underestimated him. Especially with what he’s suggesting. It’s another indication of what a stand-up guy he is.
I sigh. If only it were that easy. “Matteo, you must know that’s not gonna work. Like, physically,” I say, looking to his crotch.
“I’ve already googled this, and—”
I’m thrown again. “Wait, you’ve been googling to figure out how you’re gonna fuck me?” I can’t help chuckling as the words escape my lips.
He lets out a nervous laugh too. “I’ve been googling a lot of wild shit recently. I can take some Viagra. I just had to do a questionnaire online, so they’re being shipped. It only works if you’re turned on, but we can work that out. I can pull up porn on my phone. But we’re basically covered.”
“You did all this before discussing it with me?”
“I was hoping it would help me talk you into it.”
This was not the conversation I was expecting. Like…at all.
It’s more than a little annoying that he’s done all this without talking to me, but also, feels nice that as fucked up as it will be for him, he’s willing to help me out. “Noble as it may be, I can’t accept your help. This is my issue. I can’t drag you into it any more than I already have.”
He steps toward me. “Please, Alexei. If you do this without me, it’ll be so much worse for me. I’ll be constantly worrying about you. Stressing if you’re safe and okay. If you won’t do it for your own sake, do it for mine.”
His worry’s written all over his face. A warmth stirs in my chest because as much as I want him to back off, it’s nice that he gives a damn.
And he’s not wrong. If I did this stuff with him, it would be safer.
And a hell of a lot easier to work out with someone who gets what’s going on, rather than having to make up excuses with a stranger to follow through with it.
As weird as it will be doing this with Matteo, even just telling him what I have about the Saints and Sinners, there’s relief in knowing I’m not dealing with it all alone like I was at the start of the school year.
“You’re considering it,” he observes.
“I’ll consider it, but again, Preston could message me in a bit, and we find out we don’t need to do this at all.”
“I have a feeling if you thought that was true, you wouldn’t have gone through all that trouble with getting that notebook.”
I really hate how many times he’s been right tonight.
“Just promise me you’ll seriously consider it,” he says, stepping closer. He reaches out and rests his hand on my arm, and there’s something soothing about his touch.
“I’ll consider it,” I concede.
His lips tug into a gentle smile, which seems weird as hell given what we’ve been talking about.
“Can you imagine if Brad and Luke knew we were talking about you fucking me?” I joke.
We both chuckle, then just as quickly, fall silent as the weight of reality hits us once again.
I shake my head. “Okay, now let me head out.”
“You can hang in here while Brad and Luke are going at it,” he offers.
“Nah. I was gonna head to the common area and think this over. Obviously, you’ve given me even more to think about.”
“Fair enough.”
He pulls his hand away from my arm, and I immediately feel the absence of his comforting touch. “I’ll…text you or see you…or…”
“I get it.”
I grab my bag and head down to the common area.
A few guys are watching a movie, so I just relax in a booth near the window, gazing out over the campus.
The guys on the sofa in front of the TV are laughing and goofing off, and it reminds me of when Nick and I were kids and we’d stay up watching scary movies.
Sometimes it feels like any damn thing can remind me of him.
Which of course takes me back to that day when we first realized he wasn’t home.
My unanswered texts that quickly stacked up in my phone.
The panic.
The fear that only grew worse over the next few days.
What happened to you that night, Nick?
Tears rush to my eyes because as much as I want to know, whatever happened can never give us back what was stolen from us.
All this time.
I bat at my eyes. What a wild emotional roller coaster tonight has been.
Yet unlike the past few nights, there’s a calm within me.
I don’t feel as anxious as I did earlier in the week, or even tonight.
Matteo can’t know what he did for me, not just by making that offer, but by making me feel less alone.
“I’ll protect you. Your privacy. Your body.”
I’ve only known him for a short span of time, but I don’t doubt any of it.
My phone buzzes, and I rush to check it.
Preston: Sorry, man.
I expect frustration or anger, like the past few times he’s told me no, but this time, there’s relief. Because now I know what I must do.
But can I really ask this of Matteo?