Chapter 35 Kieran
Kieran
ICEHAWKS BITCHES
IRVING
who the fuck uploaded a photo of my ass to the internet?
JOHNSON
one of your many puck bunnies I’m assuming
IRVING
nope, it was taken tonight
Jack Lewis
you’re awfully quiet
LEWIS
I’m shocked you would assume I’d commit such a heinous act
O’CONNOR
was totally Lewis
LEWIS
personally offended you all think I’m a liar
KIERAN
I saw him take it when you flashed everyone
brOTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER
why were you mooning everyone in the first place?
IRVING
Halloween is coming up
brOTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER
how the hell does that answer anything?
LEWIS
he was offering to be a moon for costumes
KIERAN
I think a public mooning on socials was warranted for that garbage offer
IRVING
I was being charitable!
Johnson is howling over the photo Lewis took of Irving grinning over his shoulder as he mooned us in the locker room earlier. Thank God Grayson had the foresight to stay out of the locker room with Bambi and Emmy.
With Emmy in my arms now, I try to contain my laughter while keeping a hold of her. Although I don’t think she’d notice me jostling her, she’s so laser-focused on Bambi beside us.
O’Connor walks past snickering, flashing me a meme on his phone that’s already circulating. A bunny has Photoshopped her face onto the sun, while arms stick out of it, reaching for Irving’s moon on the horizon.
Before I can stop myself, laughter explodes from me, echoing through the arena. I can’t wait to get back to my phone later and look at what people are posting.
My smile drops as the doors open and Coach Anderson walks in.
“What the hell?” I mutter.
Irving sobers up within a second. “I swear, Coach, I didn’t want my ass on the internet. It’s Lewis’s fault, not mine!”
Coach Anderson, who looked like he actually had a pep in his step for once, comes to a screeching halt, his nose wrinkling as he looks over at Grayson. “Do I want to know what Tweedledee and Tweedledum over there are jabbering on about?”
“No, sir.”
Pinching the bridge of his nose coach takes a deep breath as Irving mutters. “Are we in trouble?”
Grayson rolls his eyes. “No, I told you, it’s guys’ night.”
Shaking his head, Coach spins on his heel, striding down the hallway and quickly returning with something black and white in his hands. The IceHawks colors.
Emmy and I watch as Coach unfolds the material to reveal a shirt. A smile stretches across his face, wide and full of joy, as he spreads it out. It’s a child-sized jersey with the number 47 printed on it, along with a name on the back.
Mini Ashford.
My heart soars.
Clenching my jaw so none of these fuckers see that I want to cry, I manage a wobbly smile, slapping Coach on the shoulder, my voice gruff as I cough out, “Thanks, Coach.”
He wraps both Emmy and me in a hug before he pulls back and hands it to her. “Welcome to the family, little Ashford.”
She looks like she doesn’t fully comprehend what’s happening.
Emmy gazes around, her eyes taking in Grayson filming on his phone, with silver lining his eyes.
Peering behind me I spot the guys all watching on with a mixture of tears and awe.
Clearing my throat I face coach, unclenching my jaw and allowing the tears to spring into my eyes before croaking out again, “Thank you.”
She leans forward slowly, hesitant at first, but eventually she wraps her hands around the T-shirt, holding it to her chest in a hug.
I must be hallucinating. Because it looks like Coach’s eyes are glazing over with water, too.
Clearing his throat, he claps his hands together. “Well boys, are we going to teach mini Ashford how to skate or what?”
The boys behind me break out into cheers and Emmy claps along with them, the energy infectious.
An hour later, I’m leaning against the boards, on Bambi duty on the sidelines because we can’t have her slipping on the ice and tearing anything. All the while, my team—my family—teaches Emmy how to skate.
Irving skates backwards, bending low and cheering for Emmy as she holds onto the child frame Coach ordered in. She squeals with such delight I find my cheeks aching.
“She’s a natural,” Grayson says, breaking away from the group. He bends over the boards to pat Bambi, who has tried to sneak onto the ice numerous times.
Snorting I point to my daughter, pride filling my chest. “She’ll be a pro in no time.”
My best friend moves to stand beside me, careful that his blades don’t come in contact with Bambi.
We fall into a comfortable silence, both of us watching our teammates encourage Emmy. Hell, even Coach is out on the ice skating, taking videos on his phone like a proud grandpa.
Fuck, the sight is something I used to dream about as a kid, and the fact I get to watch my little girl experience it means everything to me.
“I know it takes two to tango but fuck me, dude, she is all you.”
“You think?”
“She even has that stubborn furrow you get.”
Chuckling to myself, I look again and spot it. “Well I’ll be damned, she does.”
The private investigator didn’t turn up much beyond a couple of dead social media accounts where she hadn’t uploaded a single post. I suppose it was a long shot, him trying to track down the type of information I wanted.
Emmy’s mother, as horrible as she was, never posted about our night together online.
I was hoping for once in my life that of all the women who have posted about my private sex life, she was one of them, because if she had perhaps it would have sparked something deep within my memories.
What really perplexes me is why she never contacted me.
Why would someone addicted to drugs not think to reach out to the father of her child and ask for money when he’s well off?
But that’s always the way with these things, isn’t it?
You want answers, desperately so, and yet no matter how much you do, you will never know because the only person who can give you them isn’t around anymore.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to swallow that I don’t remember Emmy’s mom, that she was conceived at a time in my life where my mind was so bleak that I didn’t care what I did with my body.
But I suppose the saying is right, light does prevail through darkness, because now I have Emmy, the light of my life and the epitome of hope.
Shaking my head, I wave away the thoughts, wave away the disappointment I felt when the PI called informing me all he had was a few photos from when Emmy’s mother, Natasha, was a child.
At least one thing was confirmed, everyone is right, Emmy is the spitting image of me.
I wonder what type of life Natasha had that not even a top notch PI could track down information of the life she led or current images of her.
Shaking myself from my desolate thoughts, I focus on the here and now. I focus on my daughter, the beautiful girl that came from something fleeting and dark.
Out the corner of my eye, I can see Grayson staring at me. “See something you like, lover boy?”
“Yeah, I do actually.”
“Don’t tell Bella, it’ll break her heart.” He shoves me playfully and I laugh.
“Shut up, Ashford. I just mean…” He tapers off, the seriousness of his tone making me turn to him.
“You’ve grown. I knew that day you told me about Emmy that things would change but…
it’s like you’re who you’re meant to be.
I’ve never seen someone step so smoothly into the role of a parent.
Bella is even talking about wanting a kid because you make it look so effortless. ”
“Trust me, it’s anything but effortless.”
“I don’t doubt that at all.” He claps his hand over his chest. “But hand to heart, Kieran, that little girl is the luckiest one in the world to have you as her father. Even my own dad made a comment last week about how much the role as a father suits you.”
There’s nothing but sincerity in his features but I still ask, “You mean that?”
He nods emphatically. “You were born to be a father.”
“You think I’m doing a good job?”
“Kieran, you’re putting most fathers to shame. You’re more than good.”
I can’t help but sigh with relief, a pent-up tension loosening, one that I didn’t realize I was harboring. “All I’ve been thinking about is that I want to give her the childhood I never had.”
He gives me a small, sad smile. “You’re doing that and more, my friend. Trust me when I say she’s happy.” He flicks his chin over to the ice. “Every time she smiles she looks over at you. You’re building that little girl up after her mother destroyed her.”
He takes Bambi’s lead from my hand. “Go, be with her. She keeps looking over here any time she smiles, she wants you there beside her. She wants her dad.”
Pushing off the boards on wobbly legs, I clap my best friend on the shoulder as I lay my heart bare. “I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for you. And neither would she…so thank you.”
That’s the second time tonight I’ve stunned someone with a confession.
Before Grayson can ask any questions about that time in my life, before I’m forced to lay my bleeding heart in his palm and confess that he pulled me back from a cliff more times than I can count, I step onto the ice and skate.
Because I never told him about the nights I’d lie awake contemplating ending it, only for his name to flash across my phone screen or his face to come up in my mind moments before I tried to end it all.
Emmy may have rekindled my spirit, may have shown me the role I was always meant to fulfill in my life, but Grayson made my life worth living when all I wanted to do some days was die.