Chapter 50
Layla
MOMMA BEAR
hi sweetie, how are you doing?
is everything okay? I woke up and couldn’t shake this feeling that something wasn’t okay
LAYLA
Jesus
are you psychic?
MOMMA BEAR
I hope so
that would be a cooler job than the one I have
what’s wrong?
can you call me?
LAYLA
I’ll call you when I’m done seeing Dr. Montary
My mom’s name flashes across my phone screen.
I knew I couldn’t mention Dr. Montary, the woman who diagnosed me and has been my specialist ever since, without my mom freaking out. To be fair, if the roles were reversed, I’d be the same.
Sending Kieran an apologetic smile, I show him my screen, but he just waves me off. “God no, please answer. Otherwise she’ll be going out of her mind.”
Sagging with relief, I lift the phone to my ear, only to wince, my elbow aching.
Goddamnit.
“Hi Mom, you’re on speaker. Kieran is in the car with me.”
“Hi, sweetie! Hi, Kieran!”
“Hey, Momma Bear Carson.”
Her sigh is mixed with equal measures of panic and sadness. Perhaps this is why I’ve put off calling her all morning. Tears spring into my eyes and I turn my head to look out the window, trying to hide my pain from the man beside me that can read me like a book.
His warm hand lands on my leg, comforting me.
“How bad is it?” my mom asks warily. “I take it bad if you can’t hold the phone up.”
Wincing at how well my mom knows me and my illness, I clear my throat—twice. “It’s…it’s bad. I woke up this morning and couldn’t move.”
My mom sucks in a sharp intake of air. “Layla…”
“I know.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Her words taper off, and I doubt I’m the only one crying right now. “Do you want me to meet you there? Or are you okay with Kieran?”
Kieran tries to hide it, tries to hide the way his body tenses, but I swear he stops breathing.
“I’m okay with Kieran. If it’s not good I’ll have him call you, okay?”
“Okay sweetie, but please don’t hesitate.
I can be there in a heartbeat if you need me.
” She raises her voice, as if shouting to get her words across despite Kieran hearing her perfectly fine before.
“Kieran, don’t let them gaslight her! Dr. Montary is amazing but just in case, make sure you speak up for my baby and demand the care she needs. ”
“I’ll be her best spokesperson, Momma Bear, I swear on it.”
“Thank you. Keep me updated?” she asks as if I didn’t just promise her that.
She knows me well.
“Absolutely, hand to heart, I’ll keep you informed on everything.”
“Thank you, sweetie. Layla, I love you, and I promise we’ll figure this out.”
“Love you, Mom.”
We both fall silent, both of us hesitant to hang up the phone, but we’re forced to as Kieran flicks his blinker on and pulls into the parking lot. “We’re here, Mom.”
“You’ve got this, Layla. You’re strong. It worked before, it will work again.”
“Okay,” I say, but even to my own ears my voice is meek.
“I love you sweetie.”
“I love you,” I all but choke out.
I know why I’m upset. I know why my hands shake as I hit the end call button. I know why I can’t face Kieran as he parks the car and takes off his seat belt. I am utterly terrified because I can feel it—something’s wrong.
I didn’t realize he got out of the car, was in such a daze, until my door is opening and Kieran is reaching over and unbuckling my seat belt for me. He presses such a gentle kiss to my forehead tears spring into my eyes.
“Sunshine?” he probes.
“I’m scared,” I confess, my lip wobbling.
“I know, baby,” he says, just as guttural.
This, I realize is breaking him. Seeing me like this is breaking him.
The very thing I wanted to protect him from is happening and I’m in too deep, too far in love with him, to push him away and save him from the misery that I know is coming. The endless questions, needles and tests, the utter confusion and endless unanswered questions.
It’s hell.
People always question if hell and heaven are real, and I feel so confident when I say it’s real because hell for me is my broken body. You don’t have to die to feel its depths.
Kieran slides his hands up my neck and cups my cheeks, lifting my eyes to his. I see my misery mirrored in his depths. “I’m here, Layla. For every moment I will be right beside you.”
“That’s what guts me.”
“Well un-gut yourself, Layla Carson, because there isn’t a world in which you can get rid of me, so let’s do this together.” Stepping back, he gives me enough room to slide out of the car, holding out his arm when my knees almost give out.
“Jeez, you’re stubborn.”
“Telling me something I already know, sunshine.”
“And very perky.”
He snorts to himself as he locks the car. “The only time I’m perky is when I’m inside you.”
Gasping, I whack his shoulder, wincing when my body berates me for it. “Hey! PG mouth in here, buddy.”
“No such thing, sorry.”
“Insufferable man.”
“Hot man.”
Rolling my eyes, Kieran lets me lean against him as he presses the elevator button.
“How about sexy man?” he asks.
“Very sexy, but a horrendous mouth on you.”
He drops his mouth to my ear. “A horrendous mouth you like to have running in the bedroom.”
The elevator doors open right as my cheeks flush as red as my hair. The elderly couple on the other side take one look at me and my cocky boyfriend grinning like the Cheshire Cat, lower their heads, and hightail it out of the elevator.
“Good on you. You scared the elderly!” I scold as the doors close.
Shrugging, Kieran wraps an arm around my shoulder. “The elderly never like me. I think it’s the tattoos.”
“They probably think you’re in a bikey gang.”
Kieran snorts. “A bikey gang?”
“Yes, a gang.”
“You read far too many dark romances, sunshine.”
“And you don’t read enough.”
“Oh trust me, I’m getting there.” He pauses and I can hear the smile in his voice as he goes on. “Your books are very informative, though. You loved it when I did that twisty thing with my tongue—”
I slap my hand over his mouth right as the elevator dings, opening its doors to the doctor’s office, their chairs at near capacity with waiting patients for various specialists in the building.
“Best behavior,” I hiss under my breath.
“But I know you love me when I’m a bad boy.”
Whipping my head to him, I narrow my eyes. I know what he’s doing and I do love him for it. He’s managed to distract me from the fear, has managed to somehow make this fun.
His grin is lopsided as he lowers his head. “Fine, if I’m a good boy, will you reward me?”
My smart retort and good mood vanishes the moment a woman behind the receptionist’s desks asks, “Hi there, how can I help you today?”
Here goes nothing, stepping into what is about to no doubt be tests, more waiting rooms, and an endless stream of questions, I say, “My name’s Layla Carson, and I’m here to see Dr. Montary.”
“Layla?”
My head snaps up to Dr. Montary standing there with her weathered, welcoming smile.
“Hi,” I say as I slowly rise, needing Kieran’s help. My bones feel like they need to be oiled.
Dr. Montary takes one look at me and frowns.
Quickly wiping the look off her face, she leads us across the hall into her office.
It’s a standard one, with a large L-shaped desk in the far-right corner, two chairs that Kieran and I take a seat in, and a bed pushed against the wall.
The only difference from most doctors is that her office has a gorgeous floor-to-ceiling window behind her, giving us the view of downtown Colorado.
“As beautiful and sweet as you are, Layla, I was hoping I wouldn’t see you for some time.”
“You and me both, Dr. Montary.” Sighing, I go into detail about everything that has been occurring the past five weeks.
Every little thing that I documented on my phone, all the symptoms I hid from everyone around me, the moments I’d paste on a smile and suck it up and pretend I was fine but felt like I was about to drop.
By the stunned expression on Kieran’s face, I’d say he’s realizing he didn’t notice everything and is probably kicking himself for it. His hand is in mine and I give it a gentle squeeze, rubbing my thumb back and forth.
By the time I’m finished, Dr. Montary’s head is cocked to the side. “And you changed nothing in this time?”
“Nothing. I’m taking the medication at the same time religiously every day, eating the same foods. Nothing has been introduced.”
She types furiously on her keyboard, writing notes in my file before she stops.
“Did you have a recent GP visit?” she asks.
I can’t hold in my eye roll. “Yes, and he was atrocious. He apparently doesn’t believe in lupus.”
“Quack,” Dr. Montary mutters under her breath, but not quietly enough.
Kieran coughs into his fist to hide his laugh.
“Layla, did he prescribe anything to you?”
My cheeks heat, my palm growing damp in Kieran’s as I whisper. “Yes, he gave me birth control…” My words taper off as my eyes widen. “Oh my god, is it the birth control? I completely forgot. I asked him so many times if it was safe to take with my current medication!”
“He prescribed you a birth control pill that’s high in estrogen, which likely stimulated your immune system and clashed with your current trial medication, resulting in this flare-up.
” Shaking her head, Dr. Montary curses under her breath.
“I swear to you, Layla, I will be flagging this with the board and reporting that GP. He’s put you and your health in harm’s way.
He had to know that the birth control would do this. ”
Tears are running down my cheeks freely now.
“I-I asked him so many times, I—”
“Could he have administered it because he doesn’t believe in lupus?” Kieran asks, his voice full of restrained anger.