Chapter 29
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Jess
H e approached with the neutral mask I used to interpret as arrogance or dislike. He looked a little worn down from the day, like maybe he’d worked an overnight shift, though as far as I’d seen, he hadn’t been on until early this morning.
He stopped in front of me, towering over me despite my heels.
“Hey.”
What a way to jump in, huh?
It wasn’t like I’d been waiting to see him since the second he’d shoveled me into the car last night. It wasn’t like I’d had to force my focus to Jack and the job instead of letting it wander around and play in the memory of Jude’s lips and hands on me… Not helping, brain!
“Have a minute?”
His low, gruff voice sent a bolt of longing through me, and my stupid lashes fluttered like he’d run his massive hands through my hair.
“Sure. Where?”
If I kept my responses minimal, maybe he wouldn’t realize how embarrassed I was over my interpretation of the kiss and his this should’ve happened a long time ago thing.
Dark eyes nearly burning through me, he tipped his head to the side, toward the exit. Okay. Out of the very public, very busy lobby did sound like a good option. I would vote for a little more privacy than standing on the sidewalk, but maybe he just meant we should figure that out after leaving.
We walked out of the building side by side, the automatic doors sliding open and unleashing a blast of chilly fall air tinted with the scent of petrichor. It’d rained earlier, but the lows would drop to freezing overnight and it’d mean ice if the rain kept up.
He walked like he had a destination in mind, so I followed him past a dried-up fountain shut off for the season and around the side of the building. My breath caught at the sight of the little white chapel a stretch up the hill to the left, and the mountains looking vibrant with the fall colors that weren’t wrecked by the early snow.
“It’s so beautiful here,” I said, unable to contain the thought.
When he didn’t respond, I turned to see him staring at me.
“It is.”
My heart flipped. “So?”
“I—how was your day?”
I couldn’t hide the disbelieving laugh that escaped. “How was my day?”
He nodded .
I glanced around, feeling a little like I was on an episode of Punk’d . “Um, good?”
He waited, apparently expecting a more thorough report.
“Jack’s great, and the fans were on their best behavior, so overall, it was an easy day. Seemed like everyone else was doing well, too. You?”
His gaze slipped up to the mountain peaks to the east of us as if drawing strength from them. “Good. And yeah, from what I’ve heard, no issues today.”
Internally, I screamed What are you thinking!!? Externally, I said, “Oh, that’s good.”
My training as an operator had come down to this—I didn’t need it to capture bad guys or find hostages or protect my assignment… I needed it to not lose my mind in the face of a man who drove me absolutely insane.
The awkward silence stretched and looped back around to stretch some more. It was the saltwater taffy of silences, bending around the bar that pulled it longer and thinner, never breaking.
He had more experience being silent than I did and proved it, because after what felt like several minutes, I broke. “So, uh, you wanted to talk?”
He nodded, eyes skating around us. I followed his gaze and realized he must’ve been confirming we were alone.
My pulse ticked up.
“I wanted to check in.”
I waited. There had to be more. I would make there be more by not barging in and taking over. Because of course I wanted to check in, too, but I wasn’t about to lay myself at his feet in a puddle of obviousness.
His brow furrowed. “About last night. ”
“About…?” I leaned against a wire bike rack cemented into the ground, casual as could be.
As unlucky in love as I’d been, I wasn’t clueless and I certainly wasn’t going to let him know how I felt about the kiss, let alone things between the two of us, before he gave me a hint of the same. Especially not after I’d thought I’d understood his comment and only realized later I might’ve been terribly, humiliatingly wrong in my interpretation.
He stepped closer. “About our conversation.”
I did not let myself smile or scoff at what felt like a very euphemistic reference to the events of last night. “Our conversation.”
His lips thinned. “And the kiss.”
“Ah.” There it was. My heart rate had continued to climb, and the word kiss coming from him was a perfect contrast—big, broody man with a butterfly of a word on his tongue.
He seemed troubled by my response, or maybe by the lack of one.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. Of course.” The words sprang from me instantly. Did he think I wasn’t?
Wait, am I?
His expression darkened, like he could tell the response was rote and held no real insight into my state of being.
Well, buddy, welcome to the club. I have no idea how I am, so how can I tell you?
He heaved a breath fit for a giant, eyes following the line of the gondola up, up, up the mountain, before returning to rest on me.
“I don’t know how to do this, but I’m trying. I’m asking you if you regret what we did. I need to know if you’re going to go back to hating me, or if there’s any other option. ”
The defeat etched into his words sent a pang of regret through me.
Maybe I should’ve been more forthcoming, but we were both so used to this posture of defensiveness. I relaxed my hands and let the physical action signal my mental way forward.
“I don’t hate you. I think I never really have. And I think that’s what we figured out last night.” My cheeks were hot, but I wouldn’t regret making it clear.
“Is it?” he asked, inching closer.
I nodded.
“Adam said you’ve been subdued—his word, not mine.” He studied me, intensity pouring from him and wrapping around me.
“I’ve been a little in my head, I guess,” I said, resisting the rise of the reflex begging me to push back at him instead of owning the truth.
“But not because you’re upset with me?”
I opened my mouth, but he rushed in.
“I don’t mean that to sound like I think I’m the most important thing going on in your life, but I’m pretty sure last night changed some things or, at least, was very new territory for us. So I thought maybe…”
Unable to resist the connection any longer, I reached out to grab one open side of his suit jacket. “I got a little confused, I guess. You didn’t say anything after except the thing about how it should’ve happened a long time ago. And I agreed. But then… nothing else. And by the time I got home, I started second-guessing. Wondering if that meant it should’ve happened years ago because nothing could happen now. Maybe we have too much history, or?—”
His hands came up to bracket my neck, his thumbs resting at the hinges of my jaw, and he shook his head slowly and definitively. “We have a lot behind us. There’s no getting around that.”
He seemed to be struggling, his throat working like he had more to say but either wouldn’t, or maybe couldn’t.
Could either of us sum up the seismic shift that’d happened last night? It’d been creeping in since the cabin, or maybe even since the Snowberry op, and I certainly didn’t have words to make sense of everything.
“I don’t know what to do now,” I admitted, his warm hands a comfort and thrill at the same time.
“Do we need to know?”
His gaze didn’t waver, and his presence was so steady and intense it made my mind a scattered mess. His thumbs rested at the pulse in my neck and he had to feel it singing for him.
I couldn’t be the first one to declare it—to say I wanted something with him. Call it pride or call it hard-won wisdom, but I just couldn’t. So I tried to walk it back a little, as though I hadn’t been reliving his hands on me, his demanding, giving kiss, and what it might mean since the minute we’d parted last night. “You’re grieving. And I’m…”
His lids dropped low. “Telling me how I feel now, eh? Isn’t that how we started arguing in the first place?”
Mm, kind of. I’d told him he didn’t love me. The memory of that brightened my blush, but I stepped closer. “I’ll work on it.”
A smile flickered over his face, and my whole body lit up in response. He was handsome as the broody grump, no doubt, but that rarely seen smile was absolutely devastating.
“And us?” he asked, ever pushy.
I could play coy or unsure at this point and walk away relatively unscathed. I’d just avoided admitting I might want something with him .
But unscathed had looked a lot less appealing as I reflected on all the choices I’d made to avoid risking anything romantically since Kurt. And even then, some odd part of what lay between me and him was a sense that I wasn’t risking as much with him.
It should’ve waved a red flag long ago when I’d started to understand I felt more upset at the concept of my fiancé leaving me than the reality of Kurt leaving me. And along with that, the pain of Beast betraying me by not telling me what had been going on, if he’d known, than being cheated on.
Hindsight could be a cruel lens, and yet a helpful one.
I didn’t want to get hurt again, but I was in a different place than I’d been when I’d settled for Kurt. I wasn’t desperate for companionship and love. I wasn’t so lonely I could feel my bones ache with longing for a family and a place I fit.
I had friends and a home and a job and even a town I loved. So choosing to try with this man… it wasn’t desperation.
It was curiosity. Hope, maybe. And oddly, a sense of inevitability I hadn’t been able to shake these last few days. Not that I would ever tell him that.
No, I couldn’t let him know any of this quite so clearly as I felt it—not yet. I could be hopeful and smart, soft and guarded at the same time. That was practically my brand.
“I think before we refer to an us you probably need to ask me out, don’t you?”
One brow rose. “Will you go out with me, Jessica Korbel?”
“Sure. I’m free?—”
“Breakfast. Tomorrow before work. Diner.”
I chuckled, delighted by his sense of urgency and covertly thrilled by that pushy nature of his demanding something good and anticipatory.
But all the fun good feelings came to a screeching halt when a rude voice interrupted like a record scratch.
“Aw, isn’t this a fun surprise? My former best friend and my former fiancée flirting while they’re on the job. Guess some things don’t change.”
Sure enough, Kurt stood a few feet away with a smirk like he’d caught us in the act of something forbidden that justified his every action.
Now, I needed to rely on my training to keep from punching him in the face.