Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Jess
J ude had surprised me.
Ha . No. Jude had broken my brain and then knitted it back together.
I’d voiced the ugly truth that’d hounded me, that I’d been running from for years, and he’d stayed steady despite the tears and pathetic levels rising to DEFCON 1.
And then the man fed me tacos. Like, really really good tacos with my choice of tortilla style and two different kinds of meat and all the fixings including delicious homemade guacamole.
He was just so…
So…
He was kind of a dream, honestly. And even though I’d come to terms with this on some level more than once in the last few weeks, this new element of being in his perfectly effortless house and his gigantic, beautiful cat who’d stolen my heart the minute I met him, and then his incredibly capable handling of my feelings as I fell apart…
You’re everything.
Yeah, and then that, too.
He kept saying these things that felt so bone deep. Like he really believed them. And good grief, I wanted to, too.
I wanted to take his declaration that it wasn’t me who was easy to leave, but that the men who’d left were faithless twits—okay, so he didn’t put it that way, but I’d added it. I wanted to hold it close and press into it, absorb it like moisture into every pore.
He didn’t know it was my father who’d left, but did he need to? A small voice—likely the one of nine-year-old Jess—said yes. It did matter.
But the adult woman who’d not only endured being left again, but had worked to make something of herself and even more than that, for herself here in Silverton? That woman said Jude was right.
And if he was, then it meant I wasn’t doomed to be left forever and that trusting someone to love me might just be possible.
I’d let in my friends, bit by bit. Jo, Catherine, Elise, Dove, Nikki, and Winnie had wormed their way into my heart. And before them, even Bruce and Wilder, Tristan, Adam, Kenny, Luc and even Stone… they’d been my friends.
But Jude… maybe we’d done too much damage to each other to have any real future. I’d failed him and he’d failed me, so how could we go forward? And yet, here we were, snuggled up on his couch playing poker after the oddest, best date I’d ever had.
Odd because I was certain I’d never sobbed into a man’s shirt over my past on any other date. And best because of how he’d handled it… and how I hadn’t felt bad for it. He’d never once made me feel silly for crying or even feeling the things I did. He hadn’t given me a moment alone so he wouldn’t be faced with the mess of my crapstorm of emotions, and he hadn’t backed away when I got mad or hurt or sad.
And when he’d given me a tour of his house after dinner, each room a perfect continuation of the cozy, thoughtful home he’d built, it’d gotten better. Because he’d showed me the room where his grandma had stayed at first, and he’d explained how he’d made sure a hospital bed would fit if needed. He’d lost his words, and let me hug him—let me stay with him in another moment of sharp grief.
I couldn’t help but wonder what might’ve happened if we’d stepped into this sooner. If, instead of pushing against each other and letting our bad feelings pile up and harden into stone, we’d humbled ourselves enough to apologize and then… be there for each other. If we’d moved toward one another instead of away.
But that line of thought hurt a little too much right now, especially when a whole other host of feelings was swirling around in my belly.
Had he always been this alarmingly handsome?
The potent combination of his emotional maturity and deft handling of hard subjects paired with the way he squinted at the cards hidden in his giant hand had my pulse thrumming.
Or maybe it was the way our knees pressed together where we sat despite the fact that he had a truly huge couch. I could’ve scooted down and so could he, but we’d apparently both agreed we wanted the closeness. It made no sense, sitting like this and angling our cards away like stubborn weirdos, and yet, here we were .
He lay down his card and pegged me with his stare.
I tossed a chip into the pile. “Raise.”
His gaze didn’t waver as he tossed a chip. “Call.”
I bit my lip to hide the smile threatening. It wasn’t a happy or a victorious one. It would be far too obviously melty and swoon-filled because the way this man was pinning me down with his dark eyes and an energy that felt a little like the word mine wrapping around us… whew.
I revealed my cards, a wave of triumph sliding through me because I knew I had him beat.
He tossed his down, still not looking away from me.
“I fed you guacamole and this is what you give me?”
I chuckled. “A sound loss? Absolutely.” I fluttered my lashes. “Aren’t you glad you invited me?”
The subtle smile tugging at the corners of his mouth disappeared and earnestness shone through his gaze. “I am. Very glad.”
Kiss me. Just kiss me.
Could he read my mind? Sometimes, it felt like he could. It used to feel like he knew the perfect way to get under my skin, but that was probably due to the reality that anything he did made me mad. One more thing I need to apologize for, and soon.
His brow dipped and his eyes tracked between mine as though inspecting me like he pored over computers during a mission, sifting information and searching for the right clue or piece of intel that would break things wide open.
He’d always been so good at his job… the one area I couldn’t fault him for. He might naturally be fairly taciturn, but the man knew his tech, and he knew how to handle himself in the field.
It’d always been lethally appealing, and nothing had changed on that front. The only difference now was in how he’d made his interest known, unlike so long ago, and we’d cleared the air of the things that had piled up between us.
Well, mostly.
I’d already dominated the evening with my breakdown earlier and I didn’t want to ask for a DTR right this second. I just… I wanted him to kiss me. To show me this wasn’t all in my head, that his words were real, and that maybe for once in the history of us, we were on the same page.
“I want you.”
His tone like gravel, the words sent the air from my lungs and all thought from my mind. He’d always been direct.
“But I can’t have you yet.” One of his delicious big hands slipped over and cupped my knee.
“I—I mean, that’s—confusing.” I hadn’t expected such a direct statement let alone the counter to it so instantly, especially when every cell in my body was screaming Yes, you can!
“I’m not trying to be. I have nowhere to go with this so I’m saying it out loud.” His gaze, for the first time in a long time, slid away from mine.
I pressed my hand over his and flipped it so I could slip my fingers between his and hold his hand. Our palms sliding together felt almost as intimate as I imagined sliding into clean sheets next to him… vulnerable, charged… and safe.
The thought hit me like an uppercut to the chin and I rocked back a little. I’d always felt raw around him because he knew everything—he knew the depth of my humiliation and how I’d refused to believe him and how Kurt had cast me aside in so many ways.
But now? He had seen me in so many ugly, bare-naked situations and he was here. I’d been vulnerable and yet I wasn’t running scared, and neither was he.
Had anyone known me like this, ever?
So the question came naturally to me. “What do you need? How can I… help?”
A low, breathy laugh came out as he leaned back against the couch, and grasped my hand more firmly, bringing it closer and clasping his other hand around it.
“I’ve thought about having you here, to myself, even when I knew I shouldn’t. Even when we hated each other.”
His eyes found mine, one brow raising at my wince, then pulling my hand up to press a kiss to each of my knuckles like the gesture might soothe away the reminder of our past.
“I don’t think we can act like none of that happened. And I’m not saying that’s what we’re doing, but along with it, we’ve got Kurt and…” His Adam’s apple worked through his swallow. “I’m grieving.”
All the fizzing expectation that’d been lingering at the edges of my mind, just out of reach of my fingers, flatlined as my heart sank. “Right. Of course.”
How had I let myself forget? He’d lost the most important person in the world to him, and I’d been flouncing around like the only thing that mattered was how I’d overcome my inability to see him as a real human being?
“I see,” I added, not wanting him to feel like he needed to say more, but knowing I couldn’t stay here if we were just going to keep playing poker and sitting in this tension I would not be able to resist much longer.
Pulling out of his hands, I stood, only to have him tug my hand and stay my movements right as I was even with his legs. “I don’t think you do.”
His hands found my hips and he guided me to stand between his legs. My pulse raced and my heart tripped around inside my chest, not sure if it was splintering or leaping or just running around like an idiot.
Holding me in place, he spoke again. “I’ve wanted something between us for so long, I can hardly remember a time I didn’t. Even with everything these last few years…” He shook his head, stopping short of whatever he’d started to say. “The point is, I don’t want to rush. I don’t want anything that happens between us to be a reaction to Kurt or to be anything but a purposeful, fully cognizant choice for both of us.”
“And you think if we kiss now, it’ll be because of Kurt? That everything so far has been?” An edge took over as I gave voice to my suspicion.
“No. Not entirely. I guess I just don’t want to sit here and make out on my couch and pretend like everything’s fine when I know you’re upset and sorting through huge things. I don’t want to take advantage of the situation.”
My heart melted a little even as I laughed a disbelieving breath. “Do I seem like I’m being taken advantage of?”
My hands had found their place on his shoulders, body happily still grasped by him. Sure, he could probably subdue me if he tried his best, but I had the advantage in several ways, one of which was that I was absolutely merciless in hand-to-hand combat.
But that wasn’t what he meant, and I knew it. Still, I couldn’t help but be annoyed.
“No.”
“Good.”
His gaze narrowed like he couldn’t figure out what I meant.
“I’m not worried about kissing you being the wrong thing, Jude. I want to kiss you because…” Because some part of me has wanted that since the minute we met, and you tried not to smile when I said your name. Because until I got my wires crossed and started believing Kurt could give me a place to belong and a real home like I’d always wanted, it was you I thought I wanted.
I wouldn’t say any of that, though. Not now. Not when I’d already spilled my guts everywhere earlier.
“Because?”
His hands squeezed me at my waist where he held me now, the physical nudge paired with an urgency in his voice I couldn’t resist answering immediately.
“Because I like you. I want to keep getting to know the man you are now. And that includes the you who is grieving, just like the me who’s here with you is dealing with crap I’ve buried for too long. But that isn’t all Kurt’s fault.” I eyed him because he’d certainly had a hand in tossing my world upside down lately.
He waited, like he needed more from me before he could move or take a breath. My heart squeezed and my blood raced, but I womaned up and gave him more.
“I want to kiss you because you’re the person I’m looking for in any room I enter and you’re who I want to spend time with more than anyone else. I want to kiss you because I can’t stop thinking about it, and I?—”
That must’ve done it, because he yanked me forward, taking practically all of my weight in his capable arms, and slid me onto his lap right as our lips met.