Chapter 37
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Jude
I f she was going to talk like that, she was going to get kissed.
We crashed together in a hurried way, but I eased off, slowing the pace to a savoring kind of lilt which eased her mouth open to taste her. Damn if she wasn’t the most intoxicating thing I’d ever encountered.
And of course, she followed the rhythm, the slide and lick and press of the kiss perfectly. Like everything she did, she was excellent at this.
Jess did nothing halfway, so when she kissed it was a full body commitment. Her weight on my lap anchored me and her hands slid into the hair at my nape, nails scraping gently against my skin. She tilted her head in response to me, a pleasured sound sending my logic and all that clear thinking about how rushing things between us would be foolish into thin air .
Wait? For what?
How could I wait for anything when every good thing on this earth had collapsed into this moment with this woman and this kiss?
My hands ran along her back and down, taking liberty with her curves and relishing the way she pressed tighter into me, kissed me deeper.
She pulled back enough to tug at my shirt, then rucked it up and tossed it before I could do anything but pull her back to me. But she pushed away with a “Wait, wait,” and I froze.
Her gaze tracked down to my chest.
“Sorry. Sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” I scratched out, worried we’d already gone too far.
One hand slid from my sternum to the waistband of my jeans in a trail so deadly slow I could hardly breathe. My skin lit on fire in the wake of her touch and the look in her eye as she followed her own progress.
“I did that,” she said, her voice kiss-roughened and low.
My heart sprinted, the glint in her eye so intoxicated, I could hardly look at her without being swallowed by the desire swirling around us.
“You did,” I said, a question in the words.
That exploratory hand mapped back up my chest before she spoke again. By the time it reached my collar bone and traced along the ridge of one to the other side, I was crawling out of my skin with fast-dissipating restraint.
“I always knew you’d look like this.” She swallowed and her gaze found mine. “I just don’t know where we go next.”
I have a few ideas.
I didn’t say the words springing to mind, nor would I, but a vast majority of my body wanted to speak them and draw us into more—more heat, more connection, more moments where space collapsed between us and this tension gave way to satisfaction.
But she was halting our progress wisely. There was sense in this breath we were taking, and I wouldn’t disrespect her by being flippant with my response.
I also couldn’t say she was everything I’d always wanted and I would like to go to that next—to the place where we spent all our days waking up next to each other and soothing aches and building ecstasy.
Too much, far too soon.
Granted, I’d basically said I’d always wanted her. But we’d moved past it quickly and I suspected she didn’t believe it, even though I hoped she knew I wouldn’t tell her anything but the truth ever again.
So instead, I let her decide. “Where do you want to go next?”
She huffed. “You can’t put that all on me. I’m sitting here in your lap—a place I never imagined I’d be—so I’m not sure I’m qualified to decide.”
Her irritation with me was, frankly, adorable. People talked about how men defaulted to anger, but Jess Korbel’s default setting was absolutely anger when it came to confusion or tension or… anything she didn’t like. She hid it well at times, but never even attempted to with me.
I didn’t hide my grin and then booped her nose.
Her mouth dropped open. “Who even are you?”
I laughed, loving her so much it sent a chill through me. What would happen if she didn’t come along with me in this? What happened if old habits and heartaches proved to be too much for us?
She slid her hands up and around to ring my neck, squeezing softly.
“That bad, huh? You’re going to stare into my eyes and put me down? I guess I always knew if you killed me, you’d want to watch the light go out.” Her hands stayed put, but I let mine find their way to her face. “Do what you must. At least I’ll die living out a fantasy.”
She made a sound of surprise and her face flashed with both horror and delight. “You fantasized about me killing you?”
Shaking my head, I traced her full bottom lip with my thumb. “No, baby. I fantasized about you on my lap.”
She jolted like I’d punched her in the gut and her eyes grew wide, then she laughed out one sharp, disbelieving guffaw. “You actually just said that.”
“I won’t deny I’ve always wanted you. But that’s exactly why I think we should be smart.” And before all of this ran away with me, before I convinced myself I could tell her everything before she was ready, I needed some space. I shifted, taking her by the waist and lifting her off me before standing.
She stood frozen for a moment before stooping to pet Bones, who’d come to check on her now that she’d moved from on top of me.
“I should go,” she said to my cat, definitely not to me.
And that, we just couldn’t have.
With a hand on her arm, I turned her to me and pulled her in, wrapping her up. Her wooden posture relaxed when I ducked my head and pressed a kiss to her temple.
“We have enough history between us and patterns we’ve established, I’m worried that at any minute you’ll go back to hating me because this all feels too good to be true.” The admission emerged in a whisper against her hair.
Her arms flexed, holding me tighter, then loosening enough so she could find my eyes.
“We’re not going back to that. Ever. Because I was an idiot, and you were, too. So… no. I think I can honestly say that no matter what happens, I won’t hate you again.” She ducked her chin, a defeated exhale filtering out between her lips. “I’m sorry I ever let it get so bad. I hate that there’s so much built up in our past.”
“It wasn’t just you.” I tucked a lock of hair that’d fallen in her eyes back behind her ear.
She bit her lip for a moment before she nodded. “True. But I’m afraid a lot of the responsibility rests with me. I established the pattern… you just followed it.” Her brow furrowed. “Sometimes, I wonder why.”
“Why what?”
“Why you didn’t just ignore me completely. I mean, I know I can be frustrating, and I wasn’t ever nice to you, but I think we probably could’ve coexisted more peacefully without you grunting at me all the time.” She raised one brow to punctuate the thought.
She really didn’t get it, did she?
“If I’d just ignored you, then you would’ve ignored me.”
She blinked, waiting for more, so I gave it to her.
“You have no idea how desperate I was. But also angry and hurt and grieving my grandfather not long after it all happened, too. So everything crashed together in this sick version of antagonism that felt awful, but so much better than silence between us.”
Her chest rose sharply on an inhale. “You… you were rude to me because fighting with me was better than nothing?”
It scratched the surface. “Yes, in a way. I know it’s messed up, but it’s how it happened. And I’m sorry for my part in this—all of it.”
She rose on her toes and pressed a searing kiss to my lips. Before I could deepen it and let it spin out, she stepped back.
“I’m sorry, too. For all of it.”
Another sweet, soft, far too quick kiss, and then she gave me a smile that made me want to beg.
Instead, I tipped my forehead against hers and said, “Just to be clear, so there’s nothing between us, I should clarify I am not at all sorry for reporting Kurt.” I hated saying his name, but I wouldn’t bend on that.
Her lips pressed together for a minute before she loosed her smile. “I can genuinely say I’m not either.”
She left not long after. I stopped myself from asking her to stay for a movie because we both had another long day coming, and we both knew we wouldn’t watch a minute of anything on screen. She seemed less unsure, but I wanted that fiery confidence—in herself and in me. In us.
I had to believe it could come.