Chapter 38
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Jess
G uac was buzzing with energy even at two in the afternoon. Normally, an October Sunday afternoon would mean Silverton was quiet, but the festival continued and so did the crowds. People came for the celebrities, the films being shown, and even the gorgeous fall colors that’d thankfully survived the snow and would draw a trickle of tourism after the festival ended, or so all the local businesses hoped.
I didn’t hate the buzzing energy in town, especially since it meant all my friends’ small businesses were flourishing. During our chips, salsa, and guac course, Elise reported she’d sold out of donuts every day before nine in the morning and her maple and pumpkin spice flavors had both disappeared long before that. Jo shared similarly positive news for All Booked Up’s sales, and Catherine, though she didn’t own Diner, confirmed they’d been slammed .
Saint Security certainly benefited since we were all working non-stop. We’d end up with some nice bonuses at Christmas thanks to all the business this year since even guarding Jack and a few others last year yielded a sizeable check and this year we had even more clientele.
“Are you exhausted yet, though? I feel like you went from one assignment to being sick in Beast’s cabin to jumping in and working twenty-four-seven. I swear I’ve hardly seen Adam.” Jo’s mournful eyes were adorable as she waited for my response.
Winnie jumped in to confirm. “I’m stealing my time with Tristan when I can get it, but I won’t be sorry to see the festival end.”
Nikki nodded. “Same. Bruce is wound pretty tight since they are in charge of all of the security. Seems like it’s going relatively well, though.”
“I’m fine. It’s busy but I’m still finding moments of humanity, which is all I can ask for.”
Elise jumped on that. “Please describe what you mean.”
Dove gasped. “Are you blushing?” She turned her wide blue eyes to the rest of the table. “Guys, she’s blushing.”
“Okay so this is like sexy moments then?” Elise asked.
I chuckled while Jo added, “I mean, I feel like there have been developments we need to be made aware of… am I right?”
The minimal updates I’d given them were just that—basic information about how I’d made tentative peace with Beast, and then we’d had breakfast since I couldn’t very well expect Catherine not to comment on it in the group text… but I hadn’t mentioned last night.
Part of me had wanted to see how it went, and part of me knew how it would. Granted, there was a not small contingent of my imagination that had expected to wake up in his bed this morning, so maybe I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that ahead of time.
And now that he’d hit the brakes effectively enough, I was glad I hadn’t said anything to them.
“Jess? Hello? Did he hypnotize you with his nonverbal grunts and gigantic muscles?” Dove asked.
I cackled. “Wow, you have such a lovely picture of him.”
Catherine tutted. “Come on. He’s a sweetheart.”
Everyone giggled in response.
“I’m not sure I’d call him a sweetheart, but I love that you guys are friends.” Affection swelled for her and Jude.
“He’s a good friend. I saw him a few times a week for a while because he and his grandma would come in for coffee and pie every afternoon. But they tapered off while she was sick and then it was just once a week. And then…” She glanced away, my soft-hearted friend swiping at a tear.
Dove wrapped an arm around Catherine’s shoulders and squeezed. I gave her a moment and Winnie and Nikki chatted about something while I fended off a quick mental spiral tipped off by Catherine’s memory.
Last night, he’d said he was still grieving. That had been on the list of reasons he felt we should slow down. And though I didn’t completely disagree, and he’d done a pretty darn good job of convincing me it wasn’t for lack of wanting, doubt niggled at me.
I was processing through years of hurt and we were so newly friends. The way he talked made it seem like he’d wanted to be friends… or more… for a long time. But how could I trust that when he’d let the dynamic between us go on for so long?
Could I believe him when he said it was his messed up way of staying connected to me? If someone else said it aloud to me, I’d laugh in their face. But this was Beast—Jude— and he didn’t say things he didn’t mean. He wouldn’t placate me.
And yet, could I believe him when my history shouted so loudly between us? When my past with not only Kurt but being abandoned by my father had taught me what to expect from men? Why would I expect anything else from him?
Everything in my gut told me those suspicions were wrong. He had nothing to hide. He had no reason to be nice to me or pretend he liked me let alone had other feelings for me if he really didn’t.
And yet, he was moving slowly. Or maybe… so , he was moving slowly. And I had to figure out how to get past that, to get to the heart of both of us and see if we really had a chance, or if this was a bizarre honeymoon from what we’d been for so long.
“I don’t need all the details, but I want to know what’s holding you back.”
Jo’s fearlessness didn’t end with her writing. She had this way of engaging with people that was so upfront, it was worth taking notes.
“Holding me back?” I asked, my pulse speeding up.
Nikki nodded. “Yes. Even as likely the least emotionally intuitive one here, we can feel you holding back.”
They all corroborated this, nodding and murmuring their agreement.
I exhaled, a little caught, but not unwilling. I’d reassured myself I had their love and support so many times lately—their friendship and my belonging with them had been a kind of bastion in the storm of unsteady territory. Time to walk the walk.
“My dad left when I was a kid. You know Kurt left. And lately, I’ve been realizing so much of what I’ve been angry about is that Kurt’s leaving proves I’m easy to leave.”
Expletives sounded round the table, each face twisted in varying degrees of anger or defensiveness on my behalf. Their instant rebuttal and Jude’s words from last night gave me the push to keep going.
“I know. I know. But the other part of this is… I pushed. With Kurt. I made it clear I wanted marriage and a family, and I know very clearly now, that wasn’t what he wanted. Even then, I kind of knew in my gut I’d forced things. And I just… I can’t stomach the idea of pushing Beast. Like… he’s grieving.” The awful reality swirled and soured in my gut.
Elise narrowed her eyes. “We are talking about grown, adult men, yes?”
Dove nodded. “Yes. Men with free will and the ability to choose whatever the heck they want.”
My brow furrowed. “Yes.”
Nikki chimed in. “Kurt could’ve told you he didn’t want marriage. He didn’t have to propose. He made that choice—you couldn’t have forced him.”
I sighed, hearing them, but afraid they were wrong. So, so afraid.
Jo spoke and interrupted the rising tide of emotion. “And Beast can choose, too. You expressing interest or accepting what he’s offering is in no way forcing anyone, unless it’s something you’re not ready for.”
“Logically, I think I’m getting that. It’s not me. But…” I exhaled slowly, deeply uninterested in crying but feeling the vulnerability rising. “I don’t know how to believe him. After everything between us, I don’t know if I have the ability. And I think I want to. And I also don’t even know if he wants me for more than just… now. Or a little while. I just can’ t force it. I don’t have the heart to be with someone who won’t fight for me.”
As my rambling explanation ceased, Dove’s warm hand slipped into mine and squeezed.
“I don’t know how he feels, but I can tell you that you deserve to be loved by someone who will fight for you. That’s not a misguided expectation. Because I know whoever you choose to be with, you’ll fight for them.” She released my hand and gave me a side hug as best she could given our seating arrangements.
“Rosie used to tell me I deserved someone who’d stick. I think for you, yes, you deserve someone who’ll fight. And I can’t help but wonder if there’s any part of this that might show you Beast will.” Nikki’s voice was gentle, like she had some idea how tender all this talk made me.
I wanted him to fight for me, and I wanted to trust myself with all of this. But no one else could talk me into trusting myself. I had to do that on my own.
I thanked them and mercifully our food came. Everyone dove in, and for a few minutes, my thoughts were carried away from the angsty, uncomfortable feelings I had when thinking about Jude and hearing the echoes of a thought I couldn’t quite formulate… something about how he’d always been fighting for me.
Dove groaned with pleasure as she took another bite of her dinner. “Who needs a man when I can just eat Guac? Chips, guac, and book talk.” She raised her margarita.
Everyone chuckled and raised their glasses, repeating the last phrase. “Chips, guac, and book talk.”
But Winnie and Nikki shared a look, and Elise pointed her fork at them. “None of those sly looks from you two. Just because you have Grade A men on the hook doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t need… really good Mexican food. ”
Jo chuckled, her smile overly blissful. She and Adam weren’t married but she probably didn’t need Guac.
“Aren’t you and Callum together right now?” Jo asked Elise.
Elise’s head reared back and answered for her.
“Oh, dang. I’m sorry. I thought I saw you guys hugging before you opened the shop the other day,” Jo said, reaching out to squeeze Elise’s arm in apology.
It took a moment, but when Elise spoke, her voice was strained. “He wants to get back together. He seems to be having a hard time accepting that we’re done.”
My gaze sharpened and I could tell everyone else’s attention heightened, though it was Winnie who asked, “Is he being mean?”
Mean for Callum, Elise’s on-again, off-again currently ex-boyfriend, meant something different than Beast’s mean. Even when I thought of him as Beast, Jude was only ever impatient and rude. He wasn’t physical, and he wasn’t dangerous.
Callum? We never got the full story, but we knew enough that whatever had happened to break them up this last time stemmed from something nasty.
Elise exhaled. “No. He was nice. Hence the hug.” She shook her head, frustration with him or herself or the whole situation brimming. “I’m just done with it. I need him to move on and just let me be.”
“I’ll talk to him,” I said, honey in my tone.
She and everyone else seemed to think this was funny.
“What? I’m great at getting people to see my side. He’ll walk away and stay gone.” I shrugged a shoulder.
Dove grinned Cheshire-cat wide. “I love you, Jess, but you’d probably end up terrifying him to death.”
“Would that be such a bad thing?” I asked, genuinely wondering if I was the only one who’d gotten the sense that this man had put his hands on our friend in an uninvited way.
Elise’s expression darkened and she studied her food and Dove grumbled a, “Maybe not.”
Before anyone else could follow her thought, a familiar voice interrupted us.
“Hey! Aren’t you Cookie’s friend? And oh my gosh, hey girl.”
We all glanced up to see a very familiar face smiling down at our table, then winking at me. I rose out of my seat and snuck around Dove’s to reach Jenna Halter, Hollywood rising star and all-around amazing human being.
“Hey! You’ve been so busy, I feel like I haven’t seen you when I could actually talk to you!” I may have squealed it a little. Jenna and I had become friends when I replaced Cookie after he came back stateside for some family issues.
She squeezed me tight, then pulled back to look at me and squinted. “We need to talk.”
I flushed because I had no idea how she could know I had news about anything, but the woman had clairvoyance because it felt like she could see straight through me. Then she leaned all the way back and dragged a young woman closer to the table. “Do you all know Cara Darling? I met her on my last trip here through Calla.”
Cara Darling was a high schooler, so normally I wouldn’t have any interaction with her, except she was our investor’s stepdaughter and a musical prodigy. She had played for some major events in town and was slated to head to Juilliard soon.
Everyone greeted Cara but Dove jumped up, her golden yellow dress twirling around her, and gave her a squeeze. “This girl is so patient with me when I stumble into Pluck.”
Cara grinned. “You’re literally the sweetest,” she said to Dove, then leaned into Jenna’s ear and mumbled, “Don’t you have that meeting with the creepy producer?”
Jenna’s face fell into a neutral mask. “I do.” Her gaze shifted to us. “I’m so sorry, but I have to run. Can we please try to hang out before the festival’s done? I head up to Snowberry Thursday, I think.” She checked her phone like it might give her the answer at a glance. “Bye, ladies.”
She swept away and her security team followed at a distance—I nodded to Kenny who winked at me and wiggled his brows at the others before slipping out in front of Jenna.
Dove, Elise, and Catherine were thoroughly starstruck.
“She’s so nice,” Dove said, staring after where she’d disappeared.
“She’s so pretty,” Elise said, blinking like she’d just seen an apparition of Jenna Halter and not the woman herself.
“She’s so… normal,” Catherine added, chuckling softly to herself.
“She’s great. So is Jack. I honestly haven’t had issues with any of the celebrities we contract with so far, though I know we’ve had a few.” I glanced at Nikki whose eyes widened.
“Bruce has a few stories, which he of course hasn’t told me because of NDAs.” She smiled to cover the of course he wouldn’t breach an NDA to tell his wife about stupid celebrities expression.
Jo grinned, then sobered. “I love that she’s so personable. Anyone else bothered by the ‘creepy producer’ thing?”
We all nodded, and I raised a hand. “I’ll look into it.”
I might not be able to do anything, but as I sat here with my beautiful, thoughtful, brilliant friends, I wasn’t about to let the comment go unnoticed. Nor was I going to forget that Callum whatever-his-name-was had been clinging to Elise.
Jude and I had things to work out, but I wasn’t someone who would prioritize my own drama and neglect something raising red flags.
First, I’d confront Jude and lay it out. We wanted to be together, so we needed to go all in with this thing, each of us sliding in everything we had, or agree to fold. I didn’t want to be any more invested than I already was. I didn’t have the heart for it.
I’d decided. In the last few hours, I’d nailed down what rested underneath all those fears and it was this: I trusted Jude with my life, and I wanted to trust him with my heart… if he’d only take it. I’d swallow my pride and offer it up and see what happened… and if it was meant to be, we’d move forward.
If not?
I’d accept a different path. I’d trust myself to know that, to accept it, and to move forward with hope. We wouldn’t revert to enemies. We’d be friends, or if not that, then at least acquaintances. And we’d both be fine. Maybe a little hurt, a little raw, but fine.
And then?
We’d get back to work.
So… time to play capture the flag.