Chapter Eight
Aspyn
It’s barely morning when I sneak into the kitchen and start baking. I want the guys to have a hot breakfast before they start work, but I don’t want to run into anyone… especially Liam.
The second my biscuits are puffed and the sausage is fried, I slide the sandwiches together, add my special honey sauce, and set the oven to warm before writing out a cute little note to leave on the table.
I don’t want to leave without saying goodbye. I want to see their expressions when they bite into the fluffy, buttery biscuit and watch their eyes light up when they get the sweet kick of my cinnamon honey. I want to go to the restaurant with Ranger and dream about a future where I’m happy and free. I want to live in this fantasy forever.
But, unfortunately, reality is too close now.
I slip on my sandals and slide out the front door onto the porch. I don’t have much gas, but I’m going to see how far I get. I’m sure I can scrounge a few dollars from an odd job off the highway. It won’t be much, but I don’t need much. I need just enough to get me out of here and away from everything I so desperately want.
Why did I do this to myself? Why did I do this to the guys? I shouldn’t have messed around with Jake. I shouldn’t have let him believe we would be more. I shouldn’t have let Ranger in. I shouldn’t have let my desires take over my reasoning. Though, my decision making is right on track with the rest of the decisions I’ve made in my life.
Bad, terrible, awful, horrid choices.
I’m a mess.
The morning sun barely peeks out from behind the clouds and there’s a chill in the air that sends a trail of goosebumps down my back. Alongside the cold, the wind carries the scent of dried trees and apples. I bet this place is great in October.
Red leaves floating to the ground, a pumpkin patch out back, cinnamon bread in the oven, and a house full of kids jumping in piles of raked leaves beneath a tire swing.
I need help.
I back out of the long stone driveway slowly, counting every pebble that pops beneath the tires.
One, two, three, four… the numbers continually climb as I rip myself away.
Every part of me wants to stay, wants to rush back inside and bury myself between Jake and Ranger until… I’m safe.
Instead, I turn left down the country road with no sense of direction. I don’t know if I’m going east or west. Hell, maybe I’m going north. At this point, my entire life is a series of whims. It’s how the rest of my days will have to go as well.
I drag in a suffocating breath and take in the miles of beauty that surround me. Cornfields, mountains, a little white church with a steeple, a house with two young kids already playing outside.
They have their whole lives ahead of them. Pure and good. They haven’t done the vile things that I’ve done. They haven’t destroyed everything yet.
How do I get back to that place? The place where secrets and regrets aren’t eating me alive. The place where innocence still brews inside of me, and dreams are still meant to be dreamt. Even if I’m never caught, I’ll always have to live under the radar. I’ll never be able to own a restaurant or make the best dessert in town. I’ll never be able to escape the guilt. My life is set to live under a rock, in the shadows.
A ghost afraid of the graveyard.
My mouth goes dry and my heart slams hard against my chest as I think of last night. Ranger’s big, rough hands on my skin. Jake against my chest. Their voices soothing and deep against my ear. My clit throbbing with desperation as they touched me like I’ve never been touched.
If Liam hadn’t shown up, I bet I’d have gotten a few more weeks out of that fantasy. Then again, maybe he did us all a favor. The Band-Aid only gets harder to rip off after the tape sets in.
It’s not that I don’t love Liam, I do. He’s analytical, driven, and he can see things no one else can. I suppose that pedantic disposition is what attracted me to him in the first place. The man will make a spreadsheet to keep track of the movies he’s watched, so he doesn’t rewatch them. I think he even has a box for his own personal rating. He’s fastidious and scholarly. I never understood why he settled at Freedom Construction. He could’ve gone anywhere, done anything. Instead, he stayed in Alaska and worked hard for my family out of pure loyalty alone.
Sure, I’ve seen him geeking out to Star Trek and apocalyptic comic books, but even that’s kind of cute. I haven’t seen a full Star Trek movie yet, but I did sit with him for a few hours last summer and listen to him tell me every painful detail. The subject matter wasn’t my thing, but I love listening to him talk. His passion and enthusiasm are infectious, and when I’m with Liam, he makes me feel like the only woman in the world.
They all made me feel like the only woman in the world.
My chest tightens as I pass by the old restaurant on the corner. The ‘ For Sale’ sign is bent in the wind, but I know this is the place Ranger was taking me to look at this morning. Truthfully, it’s not too bad. I can hear Ranger telling me about how it needs a little drywall and paint while Jake circled the perimeter and detailed my landscaping plan. All the while, Liam would be punching the numbers in his head, deciding how much all this was going to cost me.
Then every night the guys and I would go home to the farmhouse, and we’d relieve each other’s stress. I’d massage their shoulders and feed them well. I’d get them all a beer, set them on the couch, and suck their cocks one by one while the others watched.
They’d hold me, stroke my hair, and push their hard, throbbing dicks into my sopping little pussy until I had all their come dripping down my legs and was near exhaustion.
I squeeze my thighs together and pull past the restaurant, wiping away tears as I realize how none of that is possible. I’ll never have them all. That’s selfish to even think about.
The road opens up, and the town unfolds in front of me with a gas station at the corner. I only have twenty bucks and gas is down to $2.32 a gallon. I decide on five gallons, then start the pump. I should’ve grabbed some food from the house before I left. I’ve been living in my car for a while, and I’ve had to ration my cash, but I’ve always had a little money in my pocket. I don’t know where today’s food is coming from, and I don’t know where I’ll end up tonight. All I know is that I need to get out of Maple Grove before the guys wake up. Ranger is a cop. Whatever Liam told him, it won’t take him long to figure out everything.
I flip open the gas tank. push the button for unleaded, then stand in front of the pump, watching the numbers spin on the dial. I can’t go over, even by a cent.
“Aspyn?” a familiar voice echoes behind me.
My heart stops. I shouldn’t hear a familiar voice. I’m four thousand miles away from home and no one is supposed to know me here. Then again, I seem to have tripped into some alternate universe, so I shouldn’t be so surprised.
I let go of the pump and turn back slowly to see the short, blonde wearing a Tennessee Volunteers cap and a t-shirt torn at the shoulder. “Molly?”
She hustles up toward me with a wide smile and crashes into my arms with excitement. “Holy shit, girl! I’ve been trying to call you. Please tell me you’re here to surprise me.”
Molly is Ranger’s younger sister. He brought her up to see Alaska one summer like ten years ago and we’ve been friends ever since. Though, clearly, I’m not the greatest at keeping in touch. “I thought you were out in Colorado now.”
“I am!” she grins wide and proud. “Bought myself a nice little cabin by the creek and I’m working at this candle shop in Whiskey Falls, Colorado. I’m just pulling into town to visit family for a few days. You stop by and see Ranger yet? He’s redoing the farmhouse, ya know?” She waves her hand in a downward motion. “He wants to sell, but I’m on a mission to convince him it’s worth keeping in the family. One of us will have kids someday.” She rolls her eyes to the side. “Probably me at the rate he’s going. Anyway, what’s up?”
I’m not sure how to respond to anything she’s asking. I can’t lie. She and Ranger are close. I don’t need more suspicion surrounding me than what’s already there.
“Just traveling through.” I brush my hair back away from my face. “I did see Ranger. We ran into each other downtown last night. I saw Jake, too. They’re making some great improvements to the house! It’s going to be beautiful when it’s done.”
“What’s wrong?” she asks, her tone dropping suspiciously.
My heart pounds hard and my face flushes with heat. “What?”
Why is she calling me out?
“Really? You’re really gonna pretend you’re a good liar?”
I drag in a heavy breath of cool mountain air while simultaneously wondering how the hell someone learns to lie well. There’s no school for that. Well, maybe law school.
“Nothing. Sorry. I…” I could really use someone to unwind with, but that can’t happen. “I’m just lost right now.”
“Okay… glad I found you then. Wanna grab breakfast? My treat.”
I glance toward the road. Though I’m starving and I know I should take a free meal when I can get it, I’m less than five miles from the farmhouse. When the guys see that I’m gone, they’re going to come look for me, and this will undoubtedly be the first place they check. “I better not—”
“I’m not taking no for an answer. Everyone eats breakfast.” She links into my arm, stuffs the gas gun back into the hook, and drags me toward the little donut shop across the street.
I forgot how aggressive she can be. “I really should get going, Molly.”
“You need breakfast and I’d bet you haven’t even had coffee yet this morning. We’ll visit for ten minutes, and you can be on your way.”
We both know this is going to last longer than ten minutes.
“Besides,” she clears her throat, “I really need someone to talk to.”
She needs someone to talk to? This is a good trick on her part. I’m over here sweating the eternal guilt of my sins and possible prison time, yet I’m still such a people pleaser that I’d stop everything to listen to a girlfriend who needed someone to talk to.
Who can I blame for this sick quality? Is that society, life, or the internet? All I know is that it’s not my fault.
She swings open the door and I’m hit with a waft of yeasty-sweet vanilla and chocolate, followed by the warm and cozy aroma of earthy, roasted beans. Inside, the outside world ceases to exist, and time slows down. Large leather chairs sit in the corner with tall wooden bookshelves behind them, all lined with vintage style books stacked on the shelves. Beside them is a newer looking cello leaned into the corner.
I wonder if someone comes to play certain days of the week.
A few people sit scattered at tables, but the place isn’t overly crowded, which is nice.
While I admire the rustic charm of wood beams, brick walls, and vintage décor, Molly orders us breakfast. “We’ll take two large coffees and a dozen donuts. Surprise us with the flavors.” She hands the young woman a twenty-dollar bill and I’m thankful. While I’ve had money up until now, I wasn’t spending it frivolously and it’s been a while since I’ve had coffee from a shop. Hell, donuts are practically a delicacy at this point.
“You find a spot?” We sit at a table in the back next to a large picture window that overlooks the cornfield to the right and the edge of the gas station. Molly’s tone is low as she says, “So… what are you running from?”
I thought we were here to talk about her.
My stomach tightens and my chest flutters. I swallow hard, as though that doesn’t make me look guilty. “What makes you think I’m running?”
She rolls her eyes up and to the side, then sighs. “A hunch. You have honest eyes, my friend.”
“Okay. Well, I thought we were here to talk about you?”
“We are, but this is a show me yours and I’ll show you mine kind of thing.”
I laugh, and while I respect that adage, whatever’s bothering Molly can’t be as bad as my situation.
“I’m not running from anything,” I lie again, though this time it sounds more convincing. “I just needed a break from Ryan. He wants to run everything his way after my parents died, and I don’t know if I like it.” Part of that is true. Well, all of it is true , but the context is a little different. “What’s up with you?”
She shoots me a playful, side-eyed expression. “I still call bullshit on your story, but… I’ll talk.”
I grin and grab a cream filled donut from the pink pastry box between us. “Good choice.”
She rolls her eyes and grabs a donut of her own. “Do you remember Tyler?”
My brows narrow. “Your boyfriend?”
“Fiancé.” Her tone is far less excited than one would think it would be.
“Oh! That’s awesome. When did that happen? Congratu—”
“No, not awesome.” She sighs and shakes her head before taking a sip of coffee. “He’s…”
I reach out for my friend and hold her hand in mine. “What’s going on, Molly?”
She gives a halfhearted grin and wipes the tear from her face with the sleeve of her sweater. “My life is a mess. Tyler and I are always fighting. We always did, but I thought it was normal couple things, ya know?” Her eyes widen. “It’s not, and I need to leave. I just don’t know how.”
“Do you own the cabin yourself?”
“No. We bought it together a few years ago.”
“Okay,” I narrow my brows, “what am I missing? Can’t you just break up?”
“We did. A week ago. I walked right out, but he keeps calling and I don’t know why part of me believes him when he says things will change. Every single time I believe it. It’s like my head isn’t right or something. We have these awful fights, then I just go back to it again, and everything is great for a few months. He’s trying, we’re communicating, we’re getting along, and then out of nowhere, I’ll mention something, and he’ll snap. Then the cycle starts all over again.” She takes another donut from the box. “I don’t know how to stop it. My brain clearly thinks I love him.”
“Do you?”
She shrugs. “I think so. We’ve been together for so long at this point. He… he means well, but I set him off. I don’t know.”
“It’s not your fault, Molly. It sounds like he needs help. You’re doing the right thing by getting away.”
She sighs and sips from her cup. “Yeah, I guess. Just don’t tell anyone where I am or what’s going on, okay?” Her leg shakes beneath the table. “You know Ranger. I don’t want him getting into trouble defending my ass. I’m going to stay with a friend while I’m here, and hopefully make sense of what to do next.”
Her face brightens instantly as she bites into the donut again.
“Why do I feel like we both just had a conversation, but we didn’t say much of anything at all?”
She laughs. “Because we’re shady, little bitches.”
I want to press for more information, but I don’t want the same questions barreled back at me.
She’s right. We are shady, little bitches.
“So how was it seeing Ranger? He still asks about you, ya know? Like… every time I see him.” The thought of Ranger asking his sister how I am makes my heart ache harder and deeper. It’s hard enough running away, but it’s even harder knowing you care about someone, and they care about you back.
“It’s nice.” I bite back a smile, trying not to let the images of his cock thrusting into my mouth come to mind, but they’re there with an overwhelming force. His long, thick, throbbing dick pushing into my throat while I choke and gag. “I missed seeing him. It’s weird now that he’s a sheriff.”
“Yeah. He’s good at it, though. Everyone here loves his solid, no-nonsense attitude. We don’t talk as much as I’d like, but that’s what happens when you’re keeping your distance from everyone.” She glances toward me as though she wants to pry into my reasoning for leaving, but she doesn’t. “Anyway, I’m stopping by there for a bit this afternoon. Figured I’d surprise the old guy. You should come back and have dinner with everyone. Would lunch work better?”
“We’re shady bitches, remember? I can’t slow down for lunch.”
“Touché.” She grins and sips on her coffee as the shop goes quiet, save for the soft hum of instrumental music in the back and the hush of dripping coffee machines. “Well, you might want to head out the back door then.”
“Why’s that?”
A moment later, the doorbell rings above the shop door and her face lights with excitement before she leaps out of the chair and yells, “Ranger!”
Ranger.
I turn back slowly as I take him in. Tall, thick, and burly. My chest tightens. I missed him. It’s been less than an hour and I already miss him.
Molly is tipped up onto her toes with her arms around his neck. Her face is brimming with excitement.
Ranger’s face, however, is downturned, and his eyes are on me. “Where did you go?”
“What?” Molly narrows her brows and lowers her feet back to the ground. She thinks he’s talking to her, but I know where his anger is directed.
“I made breakfast. Did you see it?” My tone is soft, hopeful that he’ll have mercy on me for leaving in a rush.
“I noticed you were gone,” he growls. “We made a deal.”
“We made a deal that I’d tell you before I left, and I did… in the note .” I shrug and brush past him and out the front door. This is a small-town coffee shop and all six people that were enjoying breakfast are now staring at our drama.
Ranger grips my arm the second my feet hit the pavement, and he pulls me back against his chest. “Where are you leaving to?”
“Wait, what’s going on with you two?” Molly grins. “Is this my dream come true? Are you two dating? Are you going to be my new sister? We can braid hair and—”
“Not now, Molly,” Ranger barks, but Molly only giggles. She’s used to him and his brooding attitude. By the sounds, everyone is. He returns his stare toward me. “Get in the truck.”
As much as I love hearing his deep voice make demands, I have to stick to my plan. “I have my car parked at the gas station. Thank you, guys, for everything, but I should go.”
He shakes his head and stares toward me with a locked jaw and stoic expression. I’ve known Ranger for the better part of fifteen years, and though I’ve rarely been at the receiving end of his arrogance, I know how primitive he can get when he believes his way is the right way.
His head lowers and his voice goes deeper as he says, “Get your ass in the truck or I’ll put you there.” He’s serious and I think I’m about to get manhandled, but not in the way I had planned.
“Okay,” Molly laughs. “What the hell is going on here?”
“She’s coming back to the farmhouse with me is what’s going on.” Ranger bends to the ground and lifts me over his shoulder, then reaches into my pocket and tosses my keys to Molly. “Move her car to the overnight lot at the gas station. I’ll be back for it later.”
I could scream and holler. I could kick and fight. But the truth is, I’m wetter than ever. I like that this big, rough beast is demanding I go back with him.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I don’t have time for this. I don’t know what he knows, I don’t know who’s after me, and I can’t, under any circumstances, see Liam. Yet here I am, clit throbbing and desperate to be dicked down times three.
I stare back at Molly who’s shaking her head with amusement. “You two better give me loads of nieces. Only nieces! We have enough testosterone in the family.”
Babies. The thought of having this man’s babies sends a sense of perfection into my soul. The same sense that was there before Liam came in last night. The same sense that’s about as likely as unicorn shit.
He opens the truck door and sets me inside, staring at me for a moment before rounding to the driver’s side. I could put up more of a fight, but for some reason, I don’t.
I want to know what he says next. I want to know what happens when he sits next to me. I want to know what demands are on the tip of his tongue.
“Whatever you’re scared of, tell me now!”
Well, I see now why he’s not surrounded by women. Clearly, he has work to do with getting in touch with his emotions.
“If you knew why I was leaving, you wouldn’t ask me to stay.” The words slide from my lips like a threat. “And Liam… he only complicates things. I didn’t know he was coming.”
“I got the dates wrong. Why is that a problem?”
“It’s not a problem, but he’s there and I shouldn’t be.”
Ranger glances toward me as he drives out into the street. “What did you do? Tell me now so I can help. This is only going to get worse.”
“I told you!” My heart hammers and my voice erupts as I say, “If you knew why I was leaving, you wouldn’t want me anymore!”
“So, then make this easy on me, Aspyn. Make me forget you. I’m fuckin’ losin’ it. Do you know how bad I’ve wanted you? How long?”
My clit swells and my heart warms as I snap a look back at him. He’s right. I need to be honest. He needs to know who I am, what I’ve done, how I’ve ruined everything. I need to set him free.
Tears fall down faster and faster as my stomach shakes. This is the ugly cry people talk about. The one where mucus pours out of your nose, and your eyes swell to the size of kiwis. The one where the people around you realize how insane you are, and everyone backs away slowly.
“Good Lord, baby. I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to help you. I just… I’m not as good at all this as Jake is.” Ranger tucks me under his arm tightly and keeps driving. “I love you, Aspyn, and it scares the hell out of me.”
Love. My heart swells bigger and a rush of warmth waves over me.
“Why does it scare you?” My tone is low and soft, though I’m still wiping away tears with the bottom of my dress.
“Because I’m not sure what reality there is out there where I can have you. All you have left of your family is Ryan and we both know he’ll lose it if he sees us together. Or hell, sees you with any of us.”
If that were the worst problem I was dealing with, my life wouldn’t be so bad. I’d gladly tell Ryan I’d fallen in love with his best friends. We’d find a way to make it work. But Ranger is right, we can’t be together, and I need to tell him who I am so he can see for himself that he’s not losing much at all.
My stomach shakes and my head spins as the truth crawls its way up my throat with a burning desperation to escape.
I flinch away from his touch and slump against the side window of the truck, trying to focus like Jake taught me.
Five things I see… the cornfield, the donut shop, the gas station, the—
Ranger’s hand lands on my back and he rubs me gently, snagging his rough palm on the fabric as he moves. “Whatever’s going on, we can figure it out together, baby. I promise. It seems bad now, but it’s not. Running isn’t going to help anything.”
He doesn’t know. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t get the wealth of the evil I’m capable of.
“You have no idea. I…” I pause and swallow hard, trying to push down the words before they ruin my life, but my life has already been ruined. I need to take the blame. Ranger’s a cop. He’ll know what to do. Maybe he’ll even have mercy on me. He’ll handle me with care before he turns me into the authorities in Alaska. I need him to. I’m desperate for him to.
“You’re safe here.” He moves his big hand in a circular motion while he continues to drive. “Talk to me.”
I swallow again, harder this time, involuntarily, as though my body is trying to save me from myself, but the words are at the tip of my tongue now. I glance toward him, his long beard, his thick body, his coarse hands. I would do anything to go back to last night. To go back to the space where the guys were holding me, and I was safe. Safe from all this. Safe from the world and deep inside an imaginary life that I don’t deserve.
Staring toward Ranger, I exhale slowly as the words spill from within me like a poison I’d been trying to swallow for far too long.
“I killed my parents.”