Chapter 2
CHAPTER
TWO
ATOMIC
I should have asked her for more detailed information. As she drove away, I thought about chasing her but decided against it. Now, it’s been a few weeks, and my regret for not stopping her from walking away consumes me.
I’ve vanished from the club, ignoring my duties while drinking myself into a goddamn stupor in my cabin. I should just sell this fucking place and be done. It’s pointless. I don’t even come up here often enough to warrant paying the property taxes on it.
Nobody in the club knows where this place is except for Brew. He’s the only person, and only because he’s my biological brother. If he weren’t and I didn’t need him to know for emergencies, he wouldn’t.
But because he knows where my cabin is, he’s the one who finds me drunk off my ass, passed the fuck out on my ratty sofa, and listening to sad rock music.
I don’t realize he’s here when he approaches me. Until I feel the cold water being dumped onto my face. My entire body jumps before my eyes open, and I register what’s happened. I’m soaking fucking wet as I sit up and look across from me.
Brew is sitting in a chair, his eyes on mine, his face turned into a frown.
“What the fuck?” I slur. “I could have shot your ass.”
He smirks, letting out a snort. “How?” he asks as he holds up a black, gleaming handgun.
Reaching for my waist holster, I hiss when I realize my piece is not there. “Fuck,” I bark.
He got me.
Or maybe I did this shit to myself. It’s not like I’m anywhere near sober or have been for days.
“Talk to me, brother to brother. Tell me what the fuck is going on,” Brew urges. “Club shit aside, tell me what the fuck is going on with Ryan. She came back, but then she’s gone, and you’re off your fucking shit all over again like it’s six years ago.”
“She fucks me up,” I snap.
“No fucking shit. She’s your bitch. Of course, she fucks you up. They always do.”
Shaking my head, I run my fingers through my wet hair. I can’t stop wondering if I should go shower and clean up a bit. I don’t even know how long I’ve been here, but as I scan the room, I start counting bottles of whiskey and realize I’ve probably lost more time than I realized.
“King and I got the club taken care of. We got this. You know we do. But you have to come back to us. You’re our president, and you’re my brother. You got too much good going on to let this end you.”
“You sound like a fucking pussy,” I grumble.
He chuckles. “Yeah, well, I’ve been by your side since you were born… literally. I can’t lose you to this shit.”
My brother is one year older than me. My parents were busy when they had us and then realized their mistake. Two boys under one roof was a goddamn wild situation.
We were wild.
Unhinged and complete fucking club brats. It was the best childhood anyone could ever have had. And there are times when I wish I could go back and do it all over again.
“Ryan wanted my help. I told her no.”
“Why?” he asks.
I shrug a shoulder, but he knows the answer. “She’s not my old lady. She knew she lost my and the club’s protection when she walked away from me. I’m not sure why she thought I would do a fucking thing for her.”
Brew nods his head, his eyes searching mine before he places his hands on the arms of the chair and pushes himself to stand. He turns his back to me and walks over to the window. As he stares out at the piney woods that surround the cabin, he lets out a heavy sigh.
One hundred and fifty-five acres with a one-room cabin in the middle of the piney woods. It’s fucking perfect. And I dreamed of one day building a dream home and raising my children out here, children with Ryan, but that dream is long fucking gone.
So, fuck the dream home because there’s no dream, and I’m happy coming out here when I need to get away. Like now. But as I stare at my brother’s back, I wonder if I am exactly what he said I was—a pussy.
I know I am.
Inhaling a deep breath, I also force myself to stand, turning away from him. I make my way to the kitchen, which is about four steps, and tug open the fridge before reaching for a bottle of water.
After downing half of the contents of the bottle in one gulp, I spin around to face Brew. Slowly, he turns to look at me, his eyes finding mine. He clears his throat, then he speaks.
“Ryan was the dream, but we were all young as fuck. Maybe don’t give her such a hard time. I’m sure it took a hell of a lot for her to come here and talk to you, especially knowing that everyone here probably hates her.”
Shaking my head, I bring the bottle back to my lips and finish it before I toss it in the trash and focus my attention on him. “She fucked up. She walked away, and she knew the rules.”
“Grover,” Brew grunts, using my real name.
I can’t remember the last time he called me by my real name. It sounds so foreign to my ears. Ryan doesn’t even know my name. I never told her. I was Atomic to her, and that’s what I’ll always be. I don’t understand why I protect myself that way, but I do.
Probably because my father always taught me that vulnerability in any way was weakness.
Ryan made me weak.
She still makes me weak, and I fucking hate myself for it.
“Don’t Grover me,” I snap. “That bitch walked away. She took my money, did whatever the fuck she did with the Nomad Kings, and she bounced.”
And that’s what Ryan did. She took fifty grand from me before she walked out the door.
That wouldn’t have bothered me, though. It was the fact that she ran off with a couple of guys from the rival MC that has me fucking livid beyond anything else.
That’s a betrayal I’m not willing to forget so easily.
Brew grunts. “You have no idea what she was doing with the Nomads,” he says.
He’s reminding me that I don’t know the exact reason, but at the same time, I don’t give a fuck. Her talking to them, then vanishing, was enough for me to know that some shit went down. I don’t need bullshit details, which I know will be nothing but lies.
“I don’t. But it was nothing good,” I state.
He dips his chin in a nod. “And that’s that?” he asks. “You’re good with never knowing if whatever mess she’s in got her killed or not?”
Leaning forward, I place my palms on the Formica countertop as I let out a growl. “I don’t know her,” I state. “I don’t fucking know her.”
“Then why is just seeing her for a few minutes got you so fucking fucked up?” he asks.
I shake my head once and decide I’m done with this conversation, beyond done. “You’re right,” I quip. “I’ve wallowed in whatever this was. I’m ready to go back. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
I turn toward the bathroom without saying another word. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. I need to push her out of my mind, something I thought I did six years ago, but apparently, she’s still got me all fucked up.
RYAN
I upset him.
But I am angrier at myself. I shouldn’t have even come here. I should have packed up my things and run a long time ago, about the time that asshole pimp started looking in my direction when my sister was running up her debts.
Making record time to Harmony Springs, I pull up to the two-bedroom, one-bathroom, single-story 1930s cottage. It’s old and looks worse for wear on the outside, but I’ve done everything I can to keep it as nice as possible.
I’ve tried.
I’ve tried everything.
It still looks like an absolute shithole.
Blinking away the tears, I wonder if I should do a midnight move. Would that asshole be able to find me? Could I leave my sister? The answer to both of those questions is yes. Yes, that asshole could probably find me. And also, yes, I could leave my sister.
I’ve been her caretaker for so long that I am exhausted. Everything about her exhausts me, and I haven’t helped her in any way whatsoever. I’ve enabled her. I’ve spent my entire life enabling my big sister. I thought I was doing something to help her. I thought I idolized her.
But all Ellen has ever done is fuck up and fuck me over. She’s used me. Over and over again without a single shit given if she’s messing my life up. She’s a selfish, narcissistic drug addict, and since she was the only family I had, I let her do it to me time and time again.
“No more,” I whisper. “No more.”
I’m sure I’m lying to myself. I’m not strong, especially when it comes to her, but at the same time, I think it’s time I am. I’ve been chasing after her for eleven years, and all it’s ever done is ruin me, every single part of me.
Inhaling a deep breath, I reach for my phone and look down at the screen. There are five texts from my sister and one from Golden Joker. God, what an idiot. I cannot believe my sister got mixed up with someone who calls himself Golden Joker.
Ignoring Ellen’s messages, I go straight to his.
GOLDEN: TICK TOCK BITCH. THIRTY GRAND BY FRIDAY OR YOUR ASS IS WORKING ON THE STREET.
What a fucking dick. I hate him. I hate Ellen.
I hate myself. I want to hate Atomic for not helping me, but he’s probably the only person I don’t hate in this scenario.
Because I am the one who did him wrong. I’m the one who left him.
He hurt me, but I hurt him, too, so I’m sure that at the end of the day, I did worse than him.
Something catches my attention out of the corner of my eye, and I shift my attention to the house next door. I see him making his way toward me. He’s seen my car and smiles widely as he rushes to greet me.
Opening the car door, I hold out my arms for him as he slams into me for a hug. He takes my breath away, but not in a bad way. Adam is perfection personified. I love everything about him, and he keeps me sane and calm.
I live for him.
“I missed you,” he whispers against my ear.
Shifting my head back slightly, I cup his little cheeks with my hands. “Did you?” I ask. “I was only gone for a few hours.”
He wrinkles his little nose, letting out a giggle. “I know, but it felt like forever.”
“It did,” I agree, then I wrap my arms around him again, a little tighter.
I’m going to have to let him go. Everything inside of me is screaming not to do that, but I can’t keep him safe any longer. Climbing out of the car, I take his hand in mine and wave to Mrs. Scott, ensuring to thank her for picking Adam up from school and watching him for a few hours.
Together, we make our way inside our tiny place. Locking the door behind me, I ask Adam about his day at school. He tells me what happened in detail, but I’m only half listening. I’m far too distracted with what’s about to come my way to focus on any one thing fully.
My phone buzzes in my back pocket, and I let out a heavy sigh. Taking it out, I look at the notification and see it’s another text from Golden Joker. Holding my breath for a moment, I slide my thumb across the screen.
GOLDEN: YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY WITH THAT ASS OF YOURS.
I have never hated anyone before. Not really. I never allowed myself to have that kind of feeling inside of myself. That negativity. But I hate this man. Hate him. After letting out a sigh, I scroll through and find Ellen’s texts so I can read them.
ELLEN: I’m sorry.
ELLEN: If you do this, you’ll be saving my life.
ELLEN: You think you’re so much better than me. You’re nothing but a cunt.
ELLEN: I didn’t mean that. I’m just scared.
ELLEN: He’s going to kill me. Please, Ry-Ry.
ELLEN: Call me, please.
I think about calling her, mainly because I can hear her pleading voice in my head, but I don’t. I have to come up with a plan, with something that is going to save not just me but Adam, too. I don’t think there is anything, though.
I’m going to end up an elementary school secretary who hooks at night.
The idea makes me want to throw up. I have never sold my body for anything.
In fact, I haven’t even been with anyone in three years.
I dated a man when Adam was three. He was a very nice teacher at the elementary school, but I realized that my focus needed to be on Adam and only Adam.
Maybe one day, I’ll be able to find love. But I’m not ready for that. I’m not in the right place for it, and I don’t deserve it.