Chapter 32
CHAPTER
THIRTY-TWO
RYAN
The bakery is quiet this early in the morning.
Grover is with Adam, and I can’t sleep at that clubhouse.
I can’t have anything to do with it. I also don’t have enough money to rent a hotel room, so I have my bag in the office here, and I’m going to work from before open to past close in an attempt to try to keep from running straight to that man and begging him to love me.
That’s what I want to do. It’s why I couldn’t be at that house when he came over. I couldn’t have a talk with him about child support payments. I could not deal. And I still can’t. I honestly don’t know if I ever will.
I left handwritten instructions on the counter and some premade meals in the fridge, then I left without ever seeing him. Pinching my eyes closed, I let out a heavy sigh as I hold my hands under the water, cleaning the piping bag of the frosting from earlier today.
I’m not sure how long it takes me to clean the kitchen, but I scrub it from top to bottom before I feel the heaviness of exhaustion wash over me.
Taking myself to the little office in the back, I curl up on the love seat, lay my head against the armrest, and let out a long exhale just as my phone buzzes in my back pocket.
Sucking in a breath, I reach for my phone and look at the screen. It’s Grover. And he’s attached an image. As the picture downloads, my heaviness lightens at the sight of my son fast asleep in his bed. His chubby cheeks and pursed lips, along with his long dark lashes.
I love him.
It’s a solid reminder that everything I’ve done over the past six years has only been for him.
The contract I signed for Golden Joker was to protect Adam.
It was stupid, but I felt like it was a last resort.
I was embarrassed as hell about it then, and I hate myself for it now.
But more than anything, I hate the way I kept it all from Grover.
Now I’m alone.
More alone than I was six years ago.
He’s perfect.
The three little dots appear, and then a message comes through.
GROVER: JUST LIKE HIS MOTHER.
Why does he have to be so sweet when I want to hate him?
I hate that.
Mainly because I love it so much.
I’m not sure how to respond to that, so I don’t. I choose to stare at the picture of Adam instead, then a new notification comes in, and I scroll down to the words he’s typed and sent me. My breath hitches, my eyes widen, and I lift my hands to my lips at the sight of them.
GROVER: ADAM SAID HE MISSED ME. SAID HE WANTS ME TO APOLOGIZE. HE’S PROBABLY RIGHT. BETTER KID THAN I COULD EVER BE. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM.
GROVER: I MISS YOU, LEGS.
GROVER: COME HOME.
My hands shake. My entire body trembles as I just stare. I don’t know what to reply to him. I don’t know the right answer. I don’t know anything, but he’s giving me something, and I want that. I want what he’s offering. I want him. I want us.
Why?
I’m not sure if I should be asking him this. I sound almost… snotty. But I don’t want to be. I’m not trying to be. I’m not someone who is going to beg. Grover knows that, but I think it’s time to change things around.
I think it’s time to take control of my own destiny, however that looks. I want to transform the outcome of my life and my future. The only way I know how to do that is when Grover gives me any kind of in to take it.
Even if that makes me look like I’m weak. Because I am. And right now, I don’t care. My happiness depends on it.
GROVER: BECAUSE YOU’RE MINE.
I sink my teeth into the corner of my bottom lip as my fingers move over my phone screen, and I try not to overanalyze my words. If I read through them, I’ll do just that, so I press Send before I chicken out completely.
Just for tonight, or for always?
His next message comes in so quickly that I almost can’t believe he can type that fast.
GROVER: ALWAYS, LEGS.
GROVER: ALWAYS.
My heart, the heart that was left in shambles the last time we talked, is suddenly pieced back together.
It’s glued together, and it’s almost brand-spanking new.
And I hate that one little text message can do that.
It shouldn’t have that much power over me.
He shouldn’t have that much power over me.
But he does.
He always has.
Even when I walked away. All he had to do was show up at my doorstep, and I would have gone back to him. It’s always been Grover for me. From the moment I laid eyes on him eleven years ago, there was never anyone else. Just him. Always him.
Tomorrow?
I’m not sure why I’m trying to get an extra day out of him. I should be gathering my things and sprinting back home. But I just can’t seem to move. I can’t breathe. I can’t do anything but lie here on this extremely small, cramped love seat.
Holding my breath, I stare at my phone, waiting for his response. When it comes, it surprises me. Actually, everything about this entire moment surprises me, so I’m not sure why I continue to be shocked. I probably shouldn’t be anymore.
GROVER: YEAH, RYAN. TOMORROW IS GOOD.
The conversation seemingly over, I stare straight ahead, looking at and seeing absolutely nothing. All I can do is think about Grover. And Adam. I know Adam wants us together. He wants the real family he’s seen in movies and television shows. I don’t blame him. I always wanted that, too.
I can understand his urge.
Lying on the love seat, I don’t fall asleep. I stare at Shawn’s little desk until my alarm sounds. Then I push myself up to sitting, and I gather my toothbrush and a change of clothes before walking into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
Once I’m somewhat decent and in new clothes, I clear my throat and open the bathroom door, ready to start the day. I’m not surprised to see Shawn at the counter, gathering ingredients to start baking for the morning.
She turns her head, her eyes wide, as she watches me walk toward her. Stopping beside her, I begin opening the boxes and bags of food in front of her, mindlessly trying to figure out what I’m going to say to her.
Instead of gathering my thoughts, I blurt them out because that’s just who I am, and I have zero decorum.
“Grover texted me last night. He wants me to come home. His words, not mine. He said it was for always.”
Shawn’s entire body freezes. She turns to me, four pounds of grass-fed butter in her hands, her eyes wide, and her lips parted slightly in awe. I blink, and my tongue slips out, wetting my lips as I wait for her reaction, or rather, her to come out of her reaction and speak.
“And?” she finally breathes.
“I told him… tomorrow.”
“Ryan,” she exhales.
I watch as she turns to the side, setting her butter down before she rushes toward me. She wraps her fingers around mine, tugging me against her as her arms wrap around my body. I’m not sure why she’s so excited. I’m the one either ruining or fixing my life right now.
She takes a step backward after releasing her grip on me, then lifts her arms, and her hands reach out, wrapping her fingers around my biceps, holding me at arm’s length as her eyes focus on mine. She’s smiling, huge. I don’t have the heart to tell her that this could not work out.
“This is amazing, Ryan,” she begins. “It’s what you wanted, right?”
I chew on my bottom lip, unable to answer her immediately. I should not feel this way. I should be jumping up and down, running toward the house and wrapping my arms around him, thankful for another chance.
Shawn wraps her fingers around my wrist before she tugs me toward one of the pub tables and chairs in the small dining area. She sinks down in one of the chairs, and I do the same across from her, but she doesn’t release her grasp on my wrist.
“Talk to me, Ryan.” Her words are a demand, but her tone is so sweet and gentle that I want to tell her everything immediately.
Instead of spilling my guts, I only spill a few of them. I spill the ones that matter. The ones that are part of this decision.
“I’m afraid that if I go back, he’ll get mad and turn his back on me again. I can’t do it again. I can’t go through that again. It hurts too badly. I love him too deeply.”
“Ryan,” she exhales. “Love is scary as hell. I’m terrified every single day, but you won’t be living if you don’t take that chance.”
“What if he destroys me?” I ask.
“But what if it’s beautiful and messy… and perfect?”
God, this woman is a saint. She’s perfect in every way. I don’t deserve her friendship. I know I don’t. She’s too good for this world.
“But what if it’s a disaster of epic proportions?” I ask.
I’m terrified of losing Grover again, but I’m also terrified of losing myself.
“You’ll just have to take a leap, Ryan. You can’t be scared of maybes and mights. You’ll miss out on all of the wonderfuls and happies.”
She’s right. I know she is. It’s just that what she’s saying already has a track record, and it’s not good, not at all, when it comes to me and Grover. We’re nothing, if not a beautiful train wreck, and I’m not sure we need to go down those tracks again.
But I want nothing more.
I want to chug down those tracks even if it means I will crash.
ATOMIC
Adam smiles up at me and wraps his fingers around mine, squeezing.
I’m alone with him for the first time and need to think of something to do.
An activity. But he’s a stranger, and I don’t know what he likes.
Hell, I’ve never been around kids much, so I wouldn’t even know what kids like to do other than watching that wild cartoon about the animal cops and firemen.
“What do you want to do today?” I ask, deciding I’m going to let him choose the activity.
I have all the time in the world for this guy this weekend. He is my focus, at least during the day. I’m hoping that Ryan comes over tonight after she’s sorted whatever shit she wants to sort out. I’m thinking about her when I hear Adam’s voice ring out… loudly.
“Games,” he shouts.
“Games?”
He nods his head a single time. “Arcade.”
I almost laugh. Smiling, I clear my throat, then crouch down in front of him. I honestly don’t even know if we have a kids’ arcade here, but I’m sure there’s one somewhere, maybe Tyler or Longview, if Pineville doesn’t have one.
“Have you played games at an arcade before?” I ask.
He tilts his head to the side, jutting his chin out as if he’s truly contemplating if he’s been to an arcade before. Then he nods his head once, leans forward, and rests his forehead against mine as he lifts his hands and cups my cheeks.
I’m not sure what to do, so I stay completely still and just breathe, waiting for his next move. “I have only been once,” he whispers. “And I was just a kid.”
I gently wrap my fingers around his wrists before I murmur. “Then that’s what we’ll do today.”
“I’m ready.”
We release one another, and I take a step backward.
I brought a pickup for the weekend from the clubhouse, knowing that Ryan probably wouldn’t want me to cart Adam around on the back of my bike.
Although, that doesn’t mean I won’t take him for a ride at some point before Sunday evening. I assuredly will do just that.
Thrusting my hand into the pocket of my jeans, I produce the truck keys and turn toward the door. Before I can even take a single step, I feel little fingers wrap around my hand. They squeeze, and I look down at our connection before my gaze slides to his face.
“Mom says when I go outside, I have to hold a hand.”
My heart fucking squeezes because Ryan would say that. Goddamn, she’s a great fucking mom. And everything I’ve discovered and witnessed over the past few weeks, it’s clear to me that she did the right thing by leaving me when she did.
Even if she didn’t know she was pregnant at the time, even if it pissed me off more than anything else in the fucking world.
It was the right thing to have happened.
Call it divine intervention, whatever the fuck, but this kid would not have turned out this well if she had stayed. I know it deep to my bones.
“Let’s go, buddy.”