Chapter 7
TAYLOR
‘Hey, where’d you disappear off to last night?’
Sadie flops onto the sun bed beside me, her neon-pink bikini as shocking as her question, and I almost throw chilled orange down my ivory kaftan – which would be tragic. Though not as tragic as the thoughts my brain’s been entertaining since sunrise.
All of them circling one man.
The same man whose room I disappeared into.
Not that I’m about to answer her question with the truth…
‘What are you talking about?’ I say, grateful that between the wide brim of my hat and my oversized shades, she can’t see the panic in my eyes. ‘I was right here when you went off canoodling with Theo in the sea…’
That’s it, throw the focus on her canoodling, rather than your own…
Guilty conscience, moi?
‘Canoodling?!’ She bursts into laughter, clutching her stomach. ‘Did you really just say canoodling?’
‘If you prefer it, I could say—’
She slaps her hand over my mouth, butting the straw from my juice aside as she jerks her head towards a fast-approaching Lottie and hisses, ‘Little ears.’
I hear that phrase far more often than is necessary. What exactly did she think I was about to say? Unless… kissing wasn’t all she and Theo got up to in the shallows last night.
Ugh. Brain, stop.
Says you? Miss Get-yourself-off-in-front-of-Axel, then Get-yourself-tied-down-and-ravaged-by-him-too.
‘What’s so funny, Mummy?’ Lottie says, coming to a sudden stop, bucket and spade swinging, her ballerina swimsuit covered in sand.
‘Your Aunt Tay-Tay,’ Sadie says, lifting my niece up to sit between her legs and almost losing an eye to one of her fluffy pigtails. ‘She’s using funny words while looking far too serious,’ she adds, scrunching her face into a deep frown as she leans into me.
‘I’m not being serious,’ I baulk.
‘No? If you looked any graver, sis, you’d be six feet under… What you got there, darling?’ she says to Lottie, eyes on the bucket though it’s clear her focus is still with me.
‘Treasure! Parker ’n’ Josh helped find it!’
Parker and Josh are Lottie’s besties from London.
Sadie met their mums when she moved back, and like the kids, they’ve been thick as thieves ever since.
After immediate family and Axel, they went straight on the guest list. It really did work out perfectly.
My sister didn’t just get babysitters for the wedding; she got a built-in playgroup too. Genius. Axel wasn’t wrong.
And there he is again, taking over my thoughts like sand getting into places you never knew existed.
Uncomfortable. Irritating. Impossible to shake.
‘Amazing!’ Sadie coos, then, in a completely different tone, adds for my benefit, ‘So come on, what gives?’
‘Nothing gives.’
She eyes me over her shades while Lottie tips the bucket onto the sun bed and starts arranging shells and pebbles according to her own made-up rules: something about princesses, pirates, and a crab called Mr Pinchy.
‘Tell that to the sun-warmed juice in your hand,’ Sadie murmurs as she plucks a broken shell from Lottie’s collection and tosses it aside.
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ I take a defensive sip – and almost spit it back up. Warm juice really is grim.
‘Told you,’ she says smugly. ‘Your bum has been welded to that bed so long, it’s going to walk away with an imprint for days.’
‘And? Last I checked, the schedule for today was La Dolce Vita: to relax however we see fit.’
‘It is.’
‘Then stop interrogating me and let me get on with doing just that.’
‘I will. So long as you quit deflecting and talk to me.’
‘I’m not deflecting.’
‘And don’t lie either.’
‘Shouldn’t you be off with your man enjoying your first day as husband and wife?’
‘It’s the bride’s prerogative to do what she wants, and right now, I want to check in on my big sis. Besides, Theo is off hunting down Axel since he’s yet to show his face today. You don’t happen to know where he might be hiding, do you?’
‘No. Why would I know where he is?’
I fight a wince over how high my voice has gone.
‘Gee, I don’t know, sis. Maybe because he’s your mate. And last I saw of you both, you were deep in discussion, looking… well, pretty much like you do now.’
‘I don’t look like anything. This is just my resting face.’
She presses her lips together, shoulders trembling with suppressed laughter. Yeah. I walked right into that one.
I jab her in the side. ‘I do not look like the dog’s mother.’
That does it: her laugh bursts free, and Lottie spins towards me, eyes wide and sparkling. ‘You gotta dog, Aunt Tay-Tay?’
‘No, no, sweetheart,’ I say quickly. ‘Your mum is just… being cheeky.’
‘Mummy’s not cheeky.’
Beg to differ…
‘Thanks, Princess,’ the Queen of Cheeky says, dishing up some smug side-eye.
I ignore her and lean forward, making a show of admiring the shell clutched in Lottie’s hand. ‘Ooh, now that’s a pretty one. Look how shiny it is! That has to be for the princess!’
Lottie’s attention flips instantly, just as I hoped, and she drops the shell into her ‘princess’ collection while I drop back into the lounger. Relieved and ready to move on…
Sadie isn’t.
Her eyes drill into the side of my head. Pushing. Probing.
Why do I feel like she’s seeing everything that happened last night in full-on technicolour?
Not that she could even begin to imagine what went on, because I can barely believe it myself. If it wasn’t for the faint red line on my wrist, I’d think I imagined it too.
‘I thought…’ she begins softly.
My breath tightens, grip pulsing around the glass.
‘I thought you were happy for us, Tay?’
‘What?’ I shoot up, feet planting in the sand as I spin to face her.
‘I know we’ve only been together a year but—’
‘Sadie, stop.’ I whip my sunglasses off. ‘I am happy for you. More than happy.’
And I hate that I’ve given her cause to doubt it.
‘After everything we went through growing up, and then him, to see you with Theo now… I couldn’t care less that it’s only been a year. You’ve known each other forever, and anyone with eyes can see you’re made for one another.’
My sister lifts her shades into her hair, her blue eyes piercing as they search mine. ‘But last night, you and Axel, I saw how you were watching us… You looked like you were questioning the whole thing.’
Dammit. ‘No, love. It’s nothing like that. It was…’
It was what exactly? I can hardly tell her the truth. Or I can. A little. But to start going down that road with her, the road that leads straight to Axel and what we did—
And there’s no confessing that until I know what he wants others to know.
Which could be nothing at all.
If the way he evicted me last night is anything to go on, I’d say that’s more than likely.
But I’ll want to tell them something at some point. Sadie and Theo. I’ll want them to know what I’m planning. And before I start showing, too.
‘It was what?’ she prompts, her brow wrinkling as she takes in my palm now resting over my stomach. Hell, she probably thinks I’m queasy, not twisted with longing.
‘A deal,’ I blurt. ‘We were talking about a deal, a proposition… that’s all.’
Her eyes widen, her mouth falling open on a choked, ‘Oh!’ She shakes her head with a relieved laugh, her posture softening. ‘Of course you were. I should’ve known the two of you would rather chew over contracts than lose an entire day to a wedding.’
I force a laugh with her. ‘Guilty as charged.’
Just not the kind of contract she’s thinking of. And speaking of which… there is none. What the hell was I thinking? Letting him, letting us… without anything drawn up.
No written agreement to back up what we verbally agreed: no co-parenting. No expectations. No strings.
Which should’ve meant no mess. No confusion. No feelings.
And it would’ve done if I’d stuck to my guns and insisted on the bloody turkey baster!
I wouldn’t be stewing in the mess, the confusion, and all the feelings right now if I’d told him no.
In what world did I think I could sleep with him and keep everything just so?
But he blindsided me.
I’d never, not once, considered that he might want me. That he might want me enough that he would take my request and turn it into what it became: a trade of desires.
One in which it was his way or the highway.
And I wanted his baby so badly, I didn’t want to risk him walking away.
Liar. You wanted him so badly, that you didn’t want to walk away.
Risk, be damned.
But then, I pressed him and he reassured me and I made myself believe him. I let him take complete control of me, relishing every second… right up until the point he turfed my sorry arse out under the guise of keeping the line drawn.
What fucking line?
No kissing.
God, I want to laugh. Last night, I was all, yeah, makes total sense, drawing on my escort days to back it up. If Sadie wasn’t sat here now, I’d slap myself silly.
Because it doesn’t take a kiss to open my eyes to what’s been in front of me all these years… and what might have been… and what this is right now that I’m stewing in.
Because it doesn’t feel safe or clean or controllable.
And what of him? Mr MIA?
Had he spent the night stewing on it, too?
For the umpteenth time that morning, I fear he’s done a runner. Not because he hates weddings, but because he hates me.
For putting him in this position. For asking him to be my baby’s donor and exposing this. His need. Fuck me. My core clenches around the memory. How long has he felt this way? Because the intensity of it, the way he strapped me down, the way he staked his claim—
I swallow a whimper and squirm in my seat.
How can we go back to how things were? How can I forget all that?
And what if he regrets agreeing?
Worse: what if he regrets agreeing and he’s already got me pregnant?
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t done the maths this morning and worked out where I am in my cycle. Bang on, that’s where. Not that I’m fool enough to think it’s that easy. Not at my age, with fertility slipping away with every tick of the clock.
But if it has worked, I chew my lip, what then?