Chapter 19
AXEL
I’m grinding my teeth in Taylor’s private elevator, counting down the seconds – sod the floors – until it hits the top.
These things are meant to glide. This one’s been getting slower every damn visit.
It’s been two weeks since I last saw her – work dragging me to the States, hers bouncing her all over Europe. Every time we lined something up, life got in the way.
It’s our longest stretch apart since we decided boundaries were optional.
Two months of doing what feels good, and it still feels pretty damn good.
If I wasn’t hauling enough groceries to soothe an army of hormonal Taylors, I’d have taken the stairs. Fifty flights. Easy.
Her period’s hit again. Four months of trying, and nothing.
She puts on a brave face, but I know it’s getting to her.
Don’t get me wrong, the sex is so right. Too right. But that’s not the point. The baby is. And Taylor is the most impatient woman I know, especially when it comes to getting what she wants, when she wants it.
Trust me. I’ve been on the receiving end of that woman’s desire plenty enough now to attest from experience.
And yeah… I’m conflicted as fuck.
I don’t want this to end.
But I do want her to get what she so desperately wants.
And what about you? You still pretending you don’t want it too?
That voice hasn’t shut up since Danny blew everything wide open.
So fine. I’ll own it.
I want her to have my kid.
I want a future where they exist – where something good came out of the mess I’m made of. Where I get to watch them grow, knowing we did that, that they’re ours.
Even if…
Even if we don’t.
Because we don’t have a future.
That one line remains, and it’ll stay.
I don’t get to drag my wreckage into the happy home she wants to build. But I do get to stand on the outskirts, looking in.
And that’s enough. It has to be.
Because she ain’t asking for more, and I ain’t demanding more.
Until that baby exists, though, I’ve got her. Highs, lows, all of it. And right now, she’s hurting.
Which is why I’m loaded up with goods. Everything she enjoys:
Red wine.
Chocolate.
Cheese puffs (that stays between you and me).
Ice cream.
A cosy blanket I picked up in Washington (newsflash: turns out I can do soft).
And me (sex, included).
Not all at once. Though I wouldn’t say no. Even with cheesy crumbs. That’s where I’m at.
The elevator finally pings open and I stride out.
‘Hey Baby Girl, you better—’
I freeze as Taylor skids into view, socked feet gliding over the pale wood floor, arms flapping in an oversized woollen sweater I already want to tear off her – and would – if she weren’t shaking her head, eyes huge, silently screaming, Stop, stop, stop.
I frown. ‘What—’
‘Hey Baby Girl,’ comes Theo’s dry drawl.
I snap my gaze left.
He’s perched on the arm of the sofa, eyebrows halfway to heaven.
Sadie’s beside him, seconds from giggling herself unconscious.
And Lottie – the kid scrambles when she sees me, barrelling across the room like a four-year-old missile. She slams into my legs at full velocity, and I drop into a squat, switching gears instantly. ‘It’s so good to see you, Baby Girl.’
Jesus.
I think I just died a little inside.
But what else was I gonna do?
I glance up at Taylor.
She looks like she doesn’t know whether to laugh… or die right along with me.
‘Did you bwing me pwesents?’ Lottie asks, spying my bags and starting to rummage.
‘Sure did,’ I lie.
‘Lottie, darling, let Uncle G do that,’ Sadie says, hurrying up to tug her out. ‘Sorry, Ax.’
‘It’s okay,’ I tell her. ‘Though maybe not that one.’ I take the wine bottle out of Lottie’s tiny fist and pass it to Taylor.
‘Well saved,’ she mutters – and she ain’t talking about the wine.
‘I thought you were still stateside,’ Theo says, approaching at a much slower pace.
I keep my eyes fixed on Lottie while she plunders the bag. ‘Flew in today.’
‘And you came straight here?’
‘I messaged him,’ Tay says quickly. ‘I thought Lottie might enjoy seeing her Uncle G while Mum and Dad are out having fun.’
We’re babysitting?
There go tonight’s plans.
And what message? Because I sure as shit would’ve liked a heads-up just to keep my mouth shut.
‘That was quick work, considering we only messaged you an hour ago,’ Theo says, eyes flicking from Tay to the bag. ‘And you, coming with supplies too.’
‘I was in the area,’ I say, easy. ‘And this is London, right? Shop on every corner.’
‘Ri-ight,’ he echoes, nodding like a man witnessing a crash he can’t look away from.
‘Well, we’d best go, or we’ll be late for the show, ba-aby,’ Sadie says, taking his hand – the way she says ‘baby’ making my eyelid twitch.
‘You’re right, ba-aby,’ he replies, and now both eyelids twitch.
I get to my feet and check Tay, but she’s virtually hiding – dying – behind her hand.
‘Thanks for stepping in last minute, guys.’ Theo’s eyes are gonna dance themselves out of their sockets at this rate. ‘We really appreciate it.’
‘Any time,’ Tay chirps, while I grumble the same.
‘And you’re sure you’re okay with her staying over, sis?’
There go all of my plans.
‘Of course. We’ll have a whale of a time, won’t we, Lottie?’
The kid’s already tucking into the chocolates, wrapped in the new blanket like a snack-eating burrito. ‘Yea!’
They leave in a flurry of goodbyes and Lottie’s wet kisses, while I head to the kitchen, crack a beer, and thunk my forehead against the fridge.
Tay finds me groaning into it seconds later.
‘How bad was it?’ I mumble. ‘On a scale of one to ten.’
‘Ten being catastrophic?’
‘Mm,’ I grunt like Henry fucking Cavill in The Witcher.
‘I’d say eight.’
‘You think they know?’
‘If they do, we’ll hear about it soon enough.’
She’s right; there’ll be no stopping Theo with his ‘interventions’, and Sadie will be worse. Much, much worse, drilling Tay until the cows come home.
And why the hell ain’t she freaking out with me?
‘I’m sorry,’ she says, softer now. ‘I should’ve messaged you, but it all happened so fast. Granny Anna was supposed to have her, but her flight’s grounded and—’
‘Grounded? Where?’
Before she can answer, Lottie zooms over and hands me a pre-warmed chocolate. I pop it in my mouth with an exaggerated, ‘Yum’, because apparently, this is my life now.
‘I’ve no idea,’ Tay continues. ‘Theo wasn’t exactly in the mood to talk about it since she’s with… you know who.’ She makes a face.
‘F—fudge,’ I correct myself for the benefit of mini-ears and chew the chocolate. The beer’s gonna taste real great after this.
‘Yeah, exactly,’ Tay says, misreading my grimace. ‘But you don’t have to stay. You can head off if—’
‘Hell no.’
‘Yeah, hell no!’ Lottie crows, and I choke on the chocolate, eyes bugging out.
‘Shit— Sorry— Sugar.’ I grip the back of my head and groan.
‘Got any more in there, Big Guy?’ Tay teases and I promptly headbutt the fridge again. Lottie squeezes between my legs and does the same.
Damn, she’s funny.
And I chuckle. I can’t help it. We all do.
‘Who knows,’ I say, pushing off the appliance and giving her my full attention. ‘Looks like we’ve got the whole evening to find out.’
‘You’re sure you want to stay?’
I stroke a loose strand of hair behind her ear and savour my first real look at her in a fortnight. Hair piled high on her head. Hazel eyes as warm as her cheeks. Glossy pink lips parted, making me think about how they taste, where I want them, what I’d like to do…
‘It ain’t the night we planned,’ I say, voice thick, ‘but it’ll be fun.’
She bites her lip, her breath catching. Yeah, she sees it. Everything I want to do, none of it remotely PG.
‘Thank you,’ she whispers.
I don’t know why she’s thanking me, but if she’s gonna look at me like that while she does it, I’ll take it.
‘How about a movie?’ I suggest.
‘I wanna watch Moana!’ Lottie shouts, grabbing my hands and trying to scale my legs.
I hoist her onto my hip before she knocks the beer from my grasp.
I have zero idea what Moana is but…
‘Sure, Trouble. If Aunt Tay-Tay says it’s okay, I’m okay with it too.’
Taylor
If I were to make a list of the greatest moments in my life, this would be on it.
The three of us bundled together on my sofa, the blanket Axel bought me draped across us, the chocolates all demolished except for the two Lottie insisted on ‘saving for Mummy and Daddy’, and the kid herself fast asleep between us.
Her tiny hand curled into Axel’s black tee like she owns him.
It’s so utterly gorgeous to witness, and my heart is fit to burst.
Such a contrast to how I felt waking up to my period yesterday morning, knowing another month had passed, another month of trying without success, another month of waiting before I can test again. Waiting, wondering, wanting…
But the sadness feels like a distant memory now that he’s here.
The movie plays quietly on the TV, casting warm shadows over his face, softening the hard lines of him.
Or maybe it’s just that he’s softening in general.
I think about the man he was before we embarked on my baby-making plan, always there for me but always set apart too.
Affection wasn’t in his nature. Easy touch – never.
Now he dishes it out in spades: for me, for Lottie. And as I gaze at him in the blanket he bought me just because, Lottie pressed into his side, all relaxed and laid-back, I realise how much he fits into my life.
How much he fits into a child’s life.
How this scene right now could be our future if we let it be.
Our home. Our life. Our child.
I blink back the sudden heat behind my eyes, and Axel turns instantly, his gaze narrowing.
‘You’re not watching the movie…?’
I shake my head, unable to trust my voice.
‘What’s wrong?’ His body tenses to sit up, but Lottie stirs, and he slows, his hand reaching around to squeeze my shoulder instead. ‘Spill, Baby Girl.’
Where do I even start?
What’s wrong is that I want his baby, but I want him too.
What’s wrong is that I don’t even know what we are any more.
What’s wrong is that I’m in love with the man I trusted to give me a baby and walk away.