Chapter 5
SADIE
Five Years Ago
I’m lugging the heaviest box known to man, but it’s nothing compared to the weight of my sister’s stare.
She stands there like she’s got it all figured out, like she knows exactly what’s best – for me, for her, for everyone. Only, she doesn’t.
Worse still, she puts on this tough front, wants the world to see her as unshakeable, unbreakable, only she’s not.
I can see the hurt in her eyes, the fear too, and I hate that I put it there.
But she won’t listen. And I do have to go.
Danny’s outside with the engine running.
He’s already hit the horn twice and I don’t blame him.
We’ve got a ferry to catch and hundreds of miles ahead.
This was meant to be a flying visit to grab my things and say goodbye.
But Tay’s acting like she’s never going to see me again, and she’s not letting me go without a fight.
It’s like the beauty-school showdown, only this time, it’s getting personal.
And I don’t like it. Not one bit.
‘Sis, please don’t do this,’ I say, wanting to hug her, kiss her, and walk out the door knowing she’ll be okay, that we’re okay.
‘No, you don’t do this,’ she fires back. ‘You barely know him.’
‘We’ve been together a year. Long enough to know that I want this.’
‘But Ireland?’
‘It’s his home.’
‘This is your home.’
It hasn’t really been my home for two years now. Manchester has. I threw my all into making a new life up there, one that allowed me to put the whole mortifying incident with Theo behind me. And it’s where I met Danny and he’s amazing. He makes me feel seen. Special. Loved. And…
‘I love him, Tay.’
‘No. You don’t.’
I choke on a laugh. ‘I think I know how I feel.’
She folds her arms, her fingers biting into her skin. ‘You only think you’re in love because—’ She breaks off abruptly, her eyes shimmering with whatever she won’t say.
‘Because?’ I press, dread becoming a living, breathing thing in my gut.
‘Because you’re desperate to be loved.’
I stare back at her, my heart twisting with my gut.
‘You don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I say quietly.
‘I do, honey.’ She steps towards me, hand outstretched, and I shift away.
‘You don’t!’
‘I’ve seen it your whole life. You chased scraps from Dad. Clung to friends who didn’t care. You remember Miss Winters, in primary school? You sobbed for days when she went on maternity leave and never came back.’
‘I was seven, Tay.’
‘And then there was Theo.’
The box slips in my grip. ‘What about Theo?’
She wets her lips, her eyes penetrating mine and I swear, I’m going to puke.
‘The way you lit up when he came over. The way you followed him around like he hung the moon…’
Humiliation claws through me, burning hot behind my ribs, my cheeks, my eyes.
‘You grew out of the blushing. But it was always there. It’s textbook abandonment stuff.’
Abandonment! First, daddy issues from Theo, and now this from Tay. I’m not having it.
‘If anyone’s got abandonment issues here, it’s you!’ I throw back at her. ‘You’re the one who can’t let me go! You’re the one suffocating me, refusing to let me move on.’
‘Because Danny’s not right for you.’
‘You don’t even know him!’
‘I’ve seen him around you enough to know his type. He’s possessive. Controlling. Jealous?—’
‘Like looking in a mirror, then.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You just described yourself.’
‘I’m not jealous of you, Sadie.’
‘No,’ I say, bitterness spilling out. ‘Just of Danny for taking me away from you.’
‘I just want what’s best for you.’
‘And he is what’s best for me. He loves me.’
‘That’s not love.’
‘And what would you know about it? You’ve never had a relationship last longer than five minutes. You hop from one bed to another, and you say I’m the one desperate to be loved? At least I don’t go around behaving like a?—’
I break off but the meaning lands like a slap to her flawless cheek. She stiffens, her face paler than pale. But hell, if she wants to stand there telling me how I should live my life, I can sure as shit do the same.
‘You can think what you like about me, but I love you, Sadie. And I don’t want to fight with you. You’re my little sister. You’re the only good thing Dad ever gave me, and I will always want to protect you and look out for you.’
‘I love you too. But you don’t have to do any of that any more. I have Danny now. And I want that for me. I want love. I want a family. A real one. Not the fucked-up mess we had.’
She swallows hard. ‘And what about college? Your diploma?’
‘I thought you’d be pleased I’m sacking it off.’
‘Sadie, that’s not?—’
‘I have my vlog now. I don’t need the diploma.’
‘You mean you have him, don’t you? You’re giving it all up for him?’
‘And so what if I am? It’s my decision to make, not yours.’
‘Don’t you mean mistake?’
‘For God’s sake, Tay, I’m trying to?—’
The horn blares again and I wince.
‘I should go before Old Man Leo takes his sweeping brush to Danny’s car.’
I step up to her, angling the box away as I lean in on tiptoes and kiss her frozen cheek. ‘I’m going to be fine.’
She nods, barely, her gaze fixed on the outer hall behind me. ‘Just… call me when you get there.’
‘Sure.’
But I don’t call. I text.
And just like that, the distance between us becomes more than just miles. It becomes a strained silence. A gulf. One that I’m no longer sure we’ll ever be able to cross.