Chapter 4 #2
I blink. Theo’s watching me, a crease between his brows as he sets Lottie on her feet and swings the picnic holdall over his shoulder.
I nod.
I’m not.
But he doesn’t need to know my heart is skittering like it’s got somewhere else to be – and this time, it’s not all for him.
So much for a relaxing day outdoors…
I take Lottie’s hand as she starts to move off, and Theo hoists her bag onto the same shoulder as the holdall.
He’s in a plain white tee and navy cargo shorts – very much the unassuming billionaire on a rare day off – but the sight of that sparkly unicorn bag slung across his tall, lean frame makes my already-pounding heart beat louder.
Somehow, I manage a smile I almost feel.
‘Suits you,’ I say, aiming for a tease – anything to make this moment feel as light as it should. ‘But I can carry it.’
‘I’ve got it,’ he says, flashing a grin that does a much better job of warming me through. Surprise, surprise. ‘Despite what you were suggesting in the car,’ he adds, slotting on a cap and pulling his shades from the collar of his tee, ‘I’m man enough to go full-on princess when required.’
Lottie smothers a giggle with her palm. ‘Uncle Feo makes the best princess.’
‘Better than Mummy?’ I ask, mock offended.
She considers me with a furrowed brow, then declares with a nod, ‘Mummy is the prettiest!’
‘She’s not wrong,’ Theo murmurs – so quiet, so sure, it makes my head snap up. But he’s already looking away, shades on, gaze fixed on the park entrance like he didn’t just knock something loose inside my chest.
I don’t get a chance to dwell on it. Lottie’s already tugging me forward, skipping behind a family of four – two kids, two parents, all holding hands.
Maybe it’s that image that inspires her, or maybe it’s just Theo, but she reaches for his hand too, planting herself between us like she’s done it a hundred times before.
He doesn’t even miss a beat, just folds his fingers gently around hers and keeps on walking.
And suddenly, we’re a trio. A unit. Strolling into Hyde Park like we belong together.
My heart gives another exaggerated beat.
A beat that refuses to settle as we get deeper into the park.
All around us, the noise shifts and builds.
The trees rustle sharply in the breeze, bikes clatter past, a busker twangs on his guitar, dogs bark, children scream.
It all comes at me, no space between one sound and the next. No pause. Just pressure.
I can feel my shoulders inching up, my body folding inward – shrink and shield.
That is, until Lottie lets out an excited squeal and I jolt, every one of my limbs springing free.
‘Swans, Mummy! Look!’
She releases Theo’s hand to point wildly at the birds gathered at the water’s edge ahead, their white feathers gleaming like beacons in the glaring summer sun.
‘I see them, kiddo,’ I say, forcing a smile, and Theo glances my way.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
I nod but my smile wavers at the edges. My heart’s still pounding – too hard, too fast. I wipe one sweaty palm against my denim shorts, keep the other locked around Lottie’s hand as my eyes flick left, right…
A group of teenagers erupt into laughter. One of them shouts something unintelligible at the top of his lungs and I flinch, instinctively pulling Lottie closer. The sound filters through me like broken glass, a memory I can’t fight off coming to the fore.
Another hot day, but a different city, a different park, all the people.
Danny had been out with friends the night before.
He was a cheerful drunk, but a hungover Danny was the worst kind of mean.
Knowing he’d be dead to the world till noon, I slipped out with Lottie, hoping for just a little peace.
We were on the swings when he showed up.
I still remember the look on his face – rage so sharp, I fell back before he even touched me.
He yanked me to him without a word, his grip bruising, dragging me home as he shouted every name he could think of.
‘Slut’ was his favourite that day. My dress was too low, too short – was I trying to get attention? Did I want men staring at what was his?
That was the last time I ever took Lottie out to enjoy the sunshine.
A breeze cuts through the heat, provoking the goosebumps now rife across my skin. I blink, and Hyde Park snaps back into focus – sun-drenched and full of life. It’s a place I once loved, pre-Danny. A place I should love again.
But the noise keeps pressing in, the bad memories drowning out the good as I shiver and Theo quits walking.
‘Sadie?’
He strips his sunglasses to frown down at me, his eyes searching mine.
I wonder how well he sees me without the lenses.
‘Do you want to find somewhere quieter?’ he asks.
Well enough, apparently.
Maybe he’s wearing contacts.
Maybe those sunglasses aren’t prescription at all.
Or maybe those brilliant-green eyes don’t need any aid to see me – really see me – right now?
Funny, the things your brain fixates on when you’re trying to talk yourself down from a panic attack. But his eyes could distract me from a gazillion things – the suffocating feeling in my chest being right up there with the churn in my gut.
Still, I hesitate.
I don’t want to ruin the day.
I don’t want to ruin Lottie’s day. She’s so happy to be out in the sun, to be somewhere new and exciting, and I know this is what she needs. What I need too. If not fun, at least a taste of normality.
The kind of normality that isn’t shaped by terror.
‘I’m fine,’ I say eventually, one hand stroking Lottie’s soft curls, the other gripping her tiny hand like an anchor.
‘I don’t believe you,’ he says gently, the concern in his gaze holding me hostage and I abandon the act with the smallest shake of my head.
‘I hate that this happens,’ I admit, voice barely above a whisper.
It makes me so angry that Danny still has this kind of power over me.
We haven’t been together in months. I haven’t seen him since his last explosion, the one that finally pushed me to go to the Gardaí and get the restraining order.
That was a whole month ago. But he’s ingrained in my soul, like a stain I can’t scrub clean.
Perhaps if they’d been able to hunt him down, arrest him, do something…
‘Is it the crowds, the noise…?’
I swallow hard, taking in the familiar surroundings – the lush green trees, the historic Serpentine Bridge, the lake dotted with boats and birds, people everywhere enjoying a day out in the sun… just as I would have. Before.
‘We can go somewhere else if you like?’
I shake my head and bring my eyes back to his.
‘No, I want to stay. I used to love coming here. I want to love it again.’ Hell, I want to love life again.
‘Lottie will love it too,’ I say, stronger now, more determined.
Because ultimately, that’s what matters most. My daughter and her happiness. A real childhood.
He’s studies me – quietly, intensely – the grooves either side of his mouth deepening with his thoughts. I wish I knew what he was thinking.
Then again… maybe I don’t.
He probably thinks I’m a few fries short of a happy meal.
And honestly? He’d be right.
I look down at Lottie. She’s nestled herself between my legs, caught somewhere between excitement and nerves.
I bet she’s picking up on my mood too and I hate that.
Her fingers have found their way into her mouth – a pacifying habit I should probably help her drop.
But if I had something that soothed me so easily, I wouldn’t be giving it up anytime soon either.
Unless that pacifier was Theo-shaped… and oh how easy it would be to let that happen.
‘I have an idea,’ the man himself says, catching my gaze. ‘Row or peddle?’
‘Huh?’
He grins as he slips his glasses back on and gestures to the blue boats and pedaloes floating on the lake. ‘It’ll be quieter out there, but you’ll still get to enjoy the park, and Lottie can play Captain.’
Mini-me’s head snaps up. ‘Me? Captain!’
‘Okay,’ I say, my daughter’s excitement nearly contagious. ‘What’s it to be then, Captain Lottie? Are we rowing a boat or pedalling like a bicycle?’
‘Rowing!’ she blurts.
‘Very well,’ I say with a real smile. ‘The princess has spoken.’
‘No princess, Mummy! Captain!’
I ruffle her hair. ‘So you are, honey— I mean , Captain.’
‘In that case, let’s go secure your vessel, Captain!’ Theo declares for Lottie’s benefit, but that damn grin is aimed squarely at me. ‘Just so long as Mummy’s absolutely certain?’
The only thing I’m certain of is that his grin still makes my heart skip, and his charm slips past every wall I’ve built. He’s lifting my mood, reeling me back in – like he hasn’t already been the mistake I swore I wouldn’t make twice.
‘Lead the way, sailor.’
But I’m not dropping anchor in Heartbreak Bay.
Not this time.
No way, José.