Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
SAWYER
Lukas’s mouth was soft against mine. Hesitant at first, then far more sure of himself as the kiss continued.
I should’ve stopped it. I knew that, but…
God. My head spun in dizzying circles as we kissed.
The tip of his tongue swept across the seam of my lips, and I opened for him, allowing him entrance.
He cradled my face in his hands. Held me like I was precious.
Beneath my trembling touch, Lukas was solid. Warm. Real. Fuck, this was really happening. The responsible part of my brain screamed at me to stop. To put distance between us instead of leaning in. To apologize and go back to ignoring the hot coal of want that sat in my stomach all the time now.
I wasn’t sure how much time passed before the kiss came to a natural conclusion, only that I was out of breath, hard as a rock, and desperate to feel his stubble on all different parts of my body.
I could’ve said a million different things. That was nice. or Thank you. Or, hey, that was super unprofessional of me, but I’d like to do it again and again. But what I said instead of anything else was “What’s your real name?”
Lukas blinked at me, confused for a split second and then his face broke into a huge grin. His eyes twinkled with humor. “You’re not going to believe it.”
“Try me.” I sounded breathless still as I did my best to recover from that kiss.
“Cash. My real name is Cash.”
“Cash,” I said, partly in disbelief, partly to hear how it sounded, to feel his name on my tongue.
Lukas’s easy smile dimmed a little. “It’s strange to hear it again. I haven’t used it in years. Really, not since I joined the industry and picked my stage name. I’ve been Lukas Knight almost as long as I was Cash Sanford.”
“Do you have a preference?”
Lukas’s hands fell away from my face, but I reached for them and tangled our fingers together.
“I’ve been Lukas my whole adult life. But… if you wanted to call me Cash, that’d be fine.”
“Cash,” I said again, trying his name out for a second time. “It’s very adult entertainment, isn’t it?”
Lukas snorted a laugh. “I thought of keeping it and calling myself Cash Banks, but thankfully, Curtis did know a thing or two about the business and he convinced me that a clean slate would be better. I also think he just really hated the idea of signing a guy named Cash Banks.”
“It’s creative.” I couldn’t keep a straight face. My heart was hammering too hard against my ribs, and I felt jittery with joy, like I could shake out of my skin from the light bubbly feeling that rose up inside me. This connection between us was something I’d waited my whole life to feel.
“It’s terrible.”
“A little,” I admitted with a smile. “Lukas, that kiss—”
“Was something I’ve tried for weeks not to do,” Lukas interrupted. “And I don’t regret trying not to. And I also don’t regret giving in and doing it anyway. In fact, I’m glad we waited.”
“Lukas, I—”
He was leaning in again. His gaze flicked down to my mouth and back up to my eyes. “I want to kiss you again, Sawyer. I want to keep kissing you. I want a lot of things. You make me want a lot of things.”
He gave me time to say no. To pull back.
To put a stop to the trajectory we were on and even though I knew all the reasons we shouldn’t, I leaned in anyway.
Our hands clasped between us, our kiss was soft again, almost as gentle as the first one, then Lukas pulled his hands out of mine, and I reached for him.
My hands trembled as I slid them up his chest and looped them around to cradle the back of his head and pull him closer. To urge him to kiss me deeper. I opened my lips and slipped my tongue out, meeting his in the middle.
I had experience, but not a lot. Nothing like Lukas had, but he seemed to enjoy kissing me, regardless of how timid all my movements felt to me. A horrible thought entered my head, and I pulled back with a gasp.
“I hope you don’t think this was my angle all along or something. I didn’t plan to like you this much. And I’m not some crazy super fan or anything.” Now that my worries were out in the open, I wanted to hide under a rock. Lukas looked at me with amusement in his eyes.
“Sawyer, you’re about as devious as a vanilla cupcake.”
He stole one last kiss, a sweet brush of his lips against mine. It left me aching for more. My chest a hollow cavern that I wanted him to crawl inside of. My cock throbbed, trapped in my trousers, which were practically ruined with dog hair.
“I never once thought you’d only taken this job as a way to get into my pants.”
Lara plodded back over and stretched out beside Lukas. She forced her head onto his lap and let out a sigh. Lukas glanced down to where she lay and then, regrettably, he pulled his hands away from me and stroked them through her fur instead.
“Someone’s jealous,” he shot me an apologetic smile. “I know we crossed a line just now.” Lukas paused and my heart stuttered to a stop in my chest. “But I hope we can keep crossing it.”
Hope bloomed in my chest. It was like being a teenager again. All my feelings felt suddenly too big for my body to contain. I thought I might fly apart at the seams or float up into the atmosphere like an untethered balloon.
“I’m probably supposed to urge you to reconsider.
To spin some sort of line about professionalism and remind you that you hired me to write your book, not to kiss you in your back yard, but to be honest, I’m a horrible liar and I’d honestly be a little crushed if you did reconsider.
” I took a breath and smoothed my hands down my pant legs, trying in vain to brush some of the dog hair off.
“That doesn’t mean that I know where we should go from here. ”
“Sawyer, look at me.” The sound of Lukas’s voice drew my gaze up to his.
“I haven’t been in a relationship in years, and I was a kid the last time I dated someone who wasn’t in the industry in one way or another.
So it’s safe to say that I don’t know how to do this either.
But maybe we can try? Maybe we can take it slow? ”
There were definitely more Lukas-themed jerk-off sessions in my future.
“Take it slow,” I parroted as I tried to wrap my head around the developments of the last ten minutes.
“Maybe we could get dinner this week sometime. Just the two of us.” Lukas smiled as his focus dipped down to where Lara lay slumbering with her head in his lap. When he looked back up at me, a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “I haven’t been on a date in a long time. I might be rusty.”
“Yes.” The word flew out of me before I could second-guess myself. Or third, fourth, or fifth-guess myself. “I’d like that.”
“Good. It’s settled then.” Lukas leaned in and cupped my cheek. I leaned into the warmth of his touch, knowing that any moment now, he was going to kiss me again.
And that’s when the back door slammed shut.
“Don’t you answer your phone?”
I pulled away, my head turning in the direction of the angry-sounding voice. Ash was here, and he looked pissed. His arms were crossed over his chest, and he fired a glare my way.
“I was busy, Ash.” Lukas gave me an apologetic smile. “I’ll be right back.”
“I can go if this is a bad time.”
“Yes,” Ash said.
“No,” Lukas said a beat after him. “Stay. I’ll just be a minute.”
He pushed himself to his feet and followed Ash into the house. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but I could see Ash through the window, his features contorted as his hands sliced the air.
Watching them caused a sudden swell of guilt to wash over me, and I turned away, deciding instead to pull my phone out of my pocket and scroll through my messages.
My social life had always left something to be desired, and mostly I didn’t mind, but I thought of what it might be like to date Lukas.
He had to have a lot of friends and know a lot of people.
My social circle was Yvette and sometimes Thurston and his husbands.
Occasionally my parents tried to get me to go for dinner, but that was usually reserved for the holidays or any important social event they thought they might benefit from if I were with them.
The back door opening got my attention, and I tucked my phone away in time for Lukas to sit back down next to me. I didn’t miss the fact that he sat closer this time.
“Is everything okay?”
Lukas let out a sigh. “Ash… is complicated.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything that’s personal.”
Lukas put his hand on my knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. A secret hope that he was always this tactile unfurled in my chest. I could count the number of hugs I got a year on one hand. I’d never admit it to Yvette, but her hugs were the highlight of my year.
“Ash made a pass at me the other day.”
“But he’s so young.” I tried to keep my eyes from turning into saucers, but I felt them widen anyway.
“Young, and not my type even if he were a more acceptable age. And he’s Leo’s brother.”
“Were you and Leo close?”
“We were family in all the ways that mattered. He kept Ash away from the industry, so I didn’t know him that well when Leo died. But he’s like my little brother.”
“Is he going to be okay?”
Lukas sighed again. “Yeah. He was mad that I was ignoring his texts. Not like he hadn’t been ignoring mine for the past few days or anything. But he’s still my personal assistant, and he had some things he needed to run by me.”
“I’m sorry you’re going through a rough patch with him. I’m sure things will smooth over soon.”
Lukas’s mouth twisted in a pained smile. “Three seconds into agreeing to go on a date with me and there’s already drama. Are you sure you want to go after all? My life can be a little crazy sometimes.”
“We’ll be a good pair then because my life seldom is.”
He squeezed my knee again with gentle pressure. “It’s all about balance.”
Heat flushed into my cheeks again as I gathered the courage to say what was on my mind. “So, how slow is slow?”
“We go on a date. We hold hands. We absolutely kiss again, and after that, we just take it moment by moment. Is that okay?”
“It’s more than okay. It’s perfect.”