Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
LUKAS
I hated that Ash was mad at me, but I also wasn’t about to let his tantrum run my life.
His feelings were hurt, his ego bruised, but there was nothing I could do about that.
Well, almost nothing. I still went ahead and scheduled the shoot with both Jax and Blue.
Jax currently sat across from me at my kitchen table where I’d been sitting with my laptop as I cranked out some admin stuff while I tried to kill time before my date with Sawyer.
Sawyer was the first man who’d caught my interest in a long time.
I’d spent the last couple of years behind the camera and out of the dating scene.
Most of my exes were in the industry since while I was a performer, I’d found it hard to date men who weren’t.
Either because of their hang ups, or my own.
“Out with it, Jax,” I said, finally closing my laptop and pushing it to the side.
He had walked in a few minutes ago and made himself at home. Poured himself a cup of coffee and scratched Lara while I worked and then sat down and waited.
“What’s the guy like?” Jax asked. “The one who got Asher so pissy and jealous.”
I leaned back and folded my arms over my chest. “That’s not what I expected you to ask.”
Jax took a sip of his coffee. “Well, you’ve been single for years. You don’t socialize beyond work-related tasks and then suddenly you have this new guy coming around all the time. And he’s not the talent. And then suddenly Asher is all bent out of shape because he saw the two of you kissing.”
On one level, I felt bad for Ash. He’d been through a lot in his life, and the past couple of years were no exception. But that didn’t stop me from rolling my eyes at the memory of his hissy fit.
“He did it to himself, you know. I’d specifically blocked out that segment of time for my meeting with Sawyer.”
“Meeting? You’ve never kissed me in our meetings.” Jax pretended to be offended, but I saw the twinkle in his eyes. He seemed genuinely happy for me, which was a nice switch from the vitriol that had been spewed at me by Ash.
“He’s prettier than you.”
Jax gasped and put his hand to his chest. “I’m wounded.”
His expression fell a little before he continued, suddenly more serious. “Did Ash come here knowing Sawyer was here?”
“I’d blocked out the time in my calendar for my meetings with Sawyer.
Ash stopped by for reasons only known to Ash.
He saw Sawyer and I kissing. He’s hurt, Jax.
He threw himself at me just the other day and then not only did I turn him down, but then he saw me with some other guy.
I can understand where he’s coming from. ”
Jax’s frown deepened. “You’ve been a pretty steady fixture in his life since Leo died. He probably doesn’t really even have a crush on you. It’s likely he’s just worried about losing you and is reacting the way a scared twenty-year-old would act.”
I sucked in a deep breath and lowered my arms. “Whether his crush is some misguided, fear-based attraction or not, I wish he didn’t feel that way. It’s hard to see him hurting. But I’m not going to hold off on dating Sawyer to soothe Ash’s feelings.”
“Nor should you. Besides, the less time he spends with you, the more time he spends with Blue and me.”
My eyebrows shot up to meet my hairline. “Really?”
“Just as friends.”
Something glimmered in Jax’s expression, but I chose to not ask about it. If he wanted to tell me, he would. It wasn’t like we weren’t close.
“We’re saving ourselves for our shoot,” he explained.
“Then it’s either going to be awesome, or I’m going to have three premature cum shots.”
Jax shrugged, unbothered. “That means that we’ll just have to keep going to make sure you get plenty of footage. Darn,” he deadpanned. “The hardship.”
“I wish the three of you success in your endeavor, but I have to get ready for my date.”
He didn’t move. He merely regarded me, tilting his head a little. “You’re serious about this guy.”
“If serious means that I want to take him to a nice place and eat a good meal, then yes, I guess I am. But at the same time, it’s just a date, Jax. People go on dates all the time.”
“You don’t. Even back when you weren’t a hermit with cobwebs on his dick.”
“I do not have cobwebs on my dick.”
He waved his hand in the air. “Figurative cobwebs then. My point is that it’s nice to see you put yourself out there again.”
“I want this time to be different,” I told Jax in a rare moment of vulnerability.
“Different in what way?” He sat there, still and patient as I gathered my thoughts.
“Do you know that I’ve never been on a date with a guy I haven’t already had sex with? All my relationships have been with men I met through sex. There’s nothing wrong with that, and I guess I did meet Sawyer through my sex work, but it’s definitely not the same.”
“It makes sense.” Jax nodded. “It can be hard to date men that aren’t in the industry because of stigma and jealousy issues.
It’s not for everyone. And it can be hard to date someone who is in the industry for the very same reasons and at least a thousand others.
” He furrowed his brow. “Is that why you stopped performing?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “I stopped performing because it felt like a performance more than it didn’t, you know. I wasn’t enjoying myself anymore. I was starting to hate the thought of having sex. So I stopped.”
“Do you still hate the thought of having sex?” Jax leaned in closer, interested in my answer.
“In front of the camera, for public consumption? Yes. With a person I’m interested in, like Sawyer? No, I don’t.”
“That’s valid. But, Lukas, it is possible to be a performer and find someone who will love you. It’s not unheard of.”
“I didn’t stop because I wanted someone to love me. Or because I didn’t love myself. I stopped because I do love myself, and it wasn’t making me happy anymore.”
Jax’s sudden smile was warm, and his dimple made an appearance, reminding me about one of the reasons he was so popular.
“How are you so well adjusted?” he asked, getting up from the table and carrying his empty cup to the sink.
“Therapy, man. Hours and hours of therapy.”
Something flickered across his expression. “Therapy might not be a bad idea.”
“For you?” I asked, confused.
“For Ash.”
“Well, I’d suggest it, but I have a feeling he might not be very receptive to the idea if it came from me.”
He let out a belly laugh. “No shit. You’re basically persona non grata at the moment. I think the only reason he’s still talking to you is because he really wants to do the scene with Blue and me.”
“Will you talk to him about it? I’ll pay for it.”
Jax considered my question for a moment before answering. “He won’t take your money, Lukas. Not for this.”
“Then we can lie. You can offer to pay, and I’ll pay instead.
” Deception wasn’t something I usually participated in, but I was too worried about Ash to care.
If Jax thought he would benefit from therapy, then I wanted to give him the opportunity to have that.
Ash meant a lot to me, but he had to work through his shit on his own.
I couldn’t do it for him. I also couldn’t put my life on hold because he got his feelings hurt.
That was something I’d reached out to my therapist to discuss after I asked Sawyer on a date.
Was I cruel to pursue something with Sawyer after Ash made his feelings known?
Should I hold off until Ash got used to the idea that I wasn’t into him?
My therapist basically told me that I couldn’t set myself on fire to keep other people warm.
Meaning that I shouldn’t sacrifice things I wanted in an attempt to control other people’s feelings.
Unless I gave Asher what he really wanted—which was me—there was no way to make him happy.
And even if he did get what he wanted, it still wouldn’t guarantee that happiness. That was in Asher’s control. Not mine.
Jax looked at me with a bewildered expression. “I don’t think lying is the answer.”
“You’re probably right. He might not even need therapy. He’s still young. I remember being twenty. Everything is so big and messy when you’re that age.” I looked at Jax. “What do you think I should do? I don’t like how angry he is.”
Jax leaned against the counter and tucked his hands in his pockets.
“Give him time. Space. Treat him like you always have. Show him nothing has changed. He’s probably still just really embarrassed.
And maybe let him call some of the shots about the scene.
Show him you value his judgement.” His face broke out into a smile.
“I know it means giving up a little bit of that control you love so much.”
“I’m not that bad.”
Jax didn’t dignify my statement with a comment. “I think it would go a long way to mend that fence.”
“I’ll send him a message.”
Jax pushed away from the counter and pulled me into a brief hug. “He’ll come around.”
“I hope so.”
“Have fun tonight. That’s an order.” He let go of me and made his way to the front door. “And the sooner you message Ash, the better.”
He opened the door and paused, looking back at me. “The two of you will get through this.”
“Thanks, Jax.”
I glanced at the time and decided that sending a voice message to Ash would be faster than struggling with voice-to-text. I put the phone on the table in front of me and took a deep breath before hitting the button.
“Ash, hey, I was doing some thinking, and I wanted to know if you’d be interested in having a bigger role in the planning of your upcoming scene.
I know I normally take the lead, but you’ve been watching me for a couple of years now, and as it is your first scene, I want you to be as comfortable as possible.
If having more control is something you’d be interested in, please let me know.
” I hit the send button before I could change my mind.
I sent Sawyer a quick voice message next telling him how much I was looking forward to seeing him. That one I deleted before I sent it because I sounded too nervous, too eager. After a slow, deep breath, I tried again but deleted that one too.
Then I let voice-to-text write him a note instead.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been nervous about a guy, which made my stomach feel like a never-ending pit of butterflies. It took a few moments before I felt steady enough to get up and head for the shower. After all, Sawyer already liked me, at least enough to kiss me back.