Chapter 29
TWENTY-NINE
SAWYER
I’d intended to talk to Thurston when I arrived, but Eugene, as it turned out, was a good listener.
I’d have to make sure to tell Thurston that the next time I saw him.
Not only had he given me some perspective, but when my emotions had wiped me out, he also made a good pillow.
That was something I’d take to the grave, however.
Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes. “How long was I out?” I asked as I tried to get my brain back online after my spontaneous nap. I didn’t nap often, and it was disorienting to wake up in an environment I wasn’t used to.
“Not too long.”
My head whipped to the side and I stared at Lukas, blinking owlishly a few times. I tried to figure out how he got here.
“I’m sure you weren’t here when I fell asleep.”
He gave me a soft smile. “Eugene sent me a text.”
He reached for me. Grabbing my hand, he threaded our fingers together. He frowned, looking sad and conflicted. “Asher came by to see me.”
“I wondered if he would.” The confrontation with Asher had rattled me. It had been years since I’d had anyone come at me the way he had.
“I made him read the book,” Lukas said. “I figured it was the best way to get through to him. He knows he fucked up, and he said to tell you that he’s sorry.”
“He’s young,” I said, feeling every second of the gap between his twenty years and my almost thirty. “He’s lucky he has someone around to look out for him the way you do.”
Lukas nodded. “That doesn’t excuse the things he said to you. I need you to know that when I stopped performing, I stopped for good. It’s not something I plan to go back to doing. It’s not what I want.
He looked so earnest, so honest, so pained by the idea that I might not believe him that it made my heart ache. Lukas had been through a lot in his life, and he could’ve let it turn him into someone entirely different than the sweet, compassionate man I’d come to lo… love?
Do I love him?
I was pretty sure I did, otherwise the idea of losing him wouldn’t have bothered me nearly as much as it had. The truth was that I didn’t want to share him with other men. We’d started as I understood we’d continue. In order for us to have a chance at all, I had to be honest with him.
“I talked to Eugene about that actually, about what it’s like to share someone he loves.
He said although it’s different because he’s in a relationship with two men, and that’s a far cry from having a partner who makes adult content, it’s still all about communication and boundaries.
” Beyond nervous now, I took a deep breath and wet my lips.
“I want to say that I’d be fine with you going back to work in front of the camera, but I don’t think that’s true.
However, I would be open to watching your previous work. ”
“Yeah?” Lukas shifted closer to me. “You know that’s not a requirement, right?”
“I know.”
“I’m actually a little surprised that you haven’t watched my work.”
I felt my cheeks turn scarlet. “I—uh, I may have watched a solo video. And a few others.”
Lukas palmed his cock and shifted, I assumed to readjust himself. “We are absolutely circling back to that later. Right now, I just need to know that you’re okay. That we’re okay.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why me? Like… I’ve seen the guys in porn. The gym body, the perfect hair, the movie star smiles. They’re all so…”
“It’s not real, Sawyer. It’s all pretend.
I mean, yeah the bodies are real, but they’re not perfect.
They fit a certain aesthetic because that’s what sells.
And yeah, they’re still nice guys for the most part, but if I’d wanted to be with one of them, I would’ve been.
I chose you because you’re you. Because you’re Sawyer.
You’re smart and kind and caring. My dog loves you, and I’ve learned to listen to my dog. ”
“Your dog loves everyone.”
Lukas’s words made me feel a little better, but it was hard to shake the crushing feeling of inadequacy. It might have been there all along, and Asher had only uncovered it instead of being the one to plant the seed. “I don’t want your job to be a thing that comes between us,” I told him.
“So don’t let it be.” Lukas reached for me.
His hand was a warm weight on the back of my neck, and he urged me closer until he leaned his forehead against mine.
“I’m not going to go back to being on camera.
I’m happy doing what I’m doing. It took me years to get to a place where I could run my own company.
Where I could do things my way and create an environment for talent that wasn’t toxic or predatory.
And that’s part of the reason I won’t be on camera.
I don’t want people thinking that they have to curry favor with me somehow.
And besides, I rather enjoy sex without having to worry about camera angles and how well I groomed that particular morning. ”
“That bad, is it?” I’d admittedly never thought much about the behind-the scenes stuff. I was far from an expert on any sort of film making.
“It can be a lot. It’s not for everyone, and it’s not forever. I am expired.”
I felt my heart soften, and I shifted a little to brush a kiss against his lips. “You’re not expired. You’re not even forty.”
Lukas had a few strands of grey in his hair and crow’s feet, laugh lines. All things that made him look hotter, in my opinion. It made me wonder what he’d look like in five years. Or ten. Or longer.
“I’m old enough to know what I want. And what I don’t.” Lukas kissed me then, a gentle drag of his mouth against mine. He paused, holding us there before pulling away. “Stay the night with me.”
“Okay.” I didn’t want to be away from him, and his asking made me think that perhaps he knew that or had at least guessed it. Or maybe he didn’t want to be away from me either.
“I’m sorry Asher was cruel to you. He had no right.”
For the first time since I woke up in Eugene’s living room, I noticed how weary Lukas looked. Weary and worried. It made me want to climb into his lap. It wasn’t that Eugene would be upset if I did so—it was that he might get too excited about it.
“He’s young. And in love with you.”
“Not to discount his feelings, but I think he’s in love with the idea of me.”
“Lukas, the boy was crushed that he didn’t know your real name. I kind of feel bad for him.”
Lukas looked like someone kicked his puppy, and then I realized that Asher was the puppy, and I was the one who kicked him.
“Is he okay?” I asked. “Are the two of you okay? Because I don’t want your friendship to suffer because of me.”
Lukas shook his head, but offered me a smile. “He’s okay-adjacent. Embarrassed, I think. Remorseful, absolutely. But he’ll be fine, and our friendship will be fine. Thank you for being gentle with him.”
I smirked. “Gentle? I thought that was pretty tough.”
Lukas pulled me closer and tucked me against his side. I rested my head against him and smiled when he dropped a kiss on my head.
“You were just the right amount of tough. But I’m still sorry it happened.”
I sat with that for a moment and then decided something.
If not for Asher, I might not have realized that I was self-conscious about the difference between my body and the models Lukas worked with.
The insecurity I felt might have been allowed to fester until it was something Lukas and I couldn’t get past. And I might not have realized I was head over heels in love with him.
“I’m not sorry it happened,” I told him. “It got us to a place that made us talk about important things.”
Lukas squeezed me tighter. “You’re too good for me.”
“Nah, I think I’m just right.”
“I think we should make a break for it,” Lukas said, standing up and urging me to do the same. Eugene, who had probably been eavesdropping, swept into the room.
“Are you two leaving? You know if you want to kiss and make up, I’d be happy to watch.” Eugene could be a deeply unserious man when he wanted to be. It was effortless for him to move between supportive friend and consummate brat.
“We’re going to go back to my place,” Lukas said. “Alone, but we’ll be back another day soon when your handler is here to keep you on your leash.”
“Oh, handler. I think I like that.” Something glimmered in Eugene’s eyes, something I wanted to know nothing about. Then he cut his gaze over to me. “Are you okay?”
I wasn’t a hugger. Maybe because there weren’t a lot of people in my life who wanted to hug me, but I stepped closer to Eugene and awkwardly initiated a hug. “Thanks for being here,” I told him as he squeezed me tighter.
“You’re too precious, Sawyer. You kind of remind me of my Joey.” Eugene gave me a final squeeze before letting go. To Lukas he said, “Make sure you take care of him.”
“Always,” Lukas said, making it sound like a promise. Like a vow. Like there was a lot more meaning behind the word. “Let’s get home.”
Lukas steered us toward the door where we said another goodbye to Eugene before getting in Lukas’s car.
“I’m so—”
“No more apologizing,” Lukas cut me off. “You have nothing to apologize for.”
“Well, okay, but I was going to say that I’m so hungry. Can we grab something on the way back to your place? My treat.”
Lukas looked at me like maybe he didn’t believe I wasn’t actually about to apologize when he interrupted and that my hunger was just a convenient cover story. And he might have been right. But that didn’t change the fact that I was suddenly starving.
“What do you want to eat?” he asked.
“I’m not picky. I just need food.”
“Chinese or burgers?”
“Oooh. Burgers. I have to warn you, that if you give me the option of getting a burger, I’ll seldom get anything else.”
“Doesn’t that get boring, though?”
“Burgers are never boring. They’re a whole meal in your hand.
Carbs. Vegetables. Protein. Dairy. There’s so many ways to change them just based on the toppings and condiments you choose.
And that’s not to mention the cheese and the bread.
You could eat a burger every day and not ever have the same meal twice. ”
“So you want Chinese, right?” Lukas smirked at me.
“Smartass.”
“I know a great place. Best burgers in town.”
We kept the conversation light as we drove across town to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant that Lukas loved that I’d never heard of before.
When we arrived, he shut the car off and turned toward me. “Did you want to dine in or get the food to go?”
“Burgers are best if consumed right away, but I don’t want to dine in.”
“Car picnic it is.” Lukas leaned across the seat and stole a kiss. “Did you want to come in with me, or did you want me to surprise you?”
“I think I’ll come in and order.”
I wanted to see the restaurant, but more than that, I wasn’t sure I could take any more surprises that day.