Chapter 12
Fuck, fuck, fuck…
She was making me lose all control. We had the perfect moment. I could have taken her mouth with mine and devoured her in seconds. I was so close to feeling her lips, but the timing just wasn’t right… I didn’t want to be the guy that only helped her heal. I didn’t want to be a one-time thing or the guy she used for a distraction to feel better.
I needed more with her.
I got the feeling she wouldn’t have backed down if I made a move. She so easily sank into my touch when I felt the warmth of her skin in my hand. She allowed me to toy with that plump bottom lip of hers.
I was so close.
But the feeling that shot straight down to my groin was a wakeup call. If I got one little taste, I wouldn’t be able to hold back. Paige wasn’t the type of girl you’d taste and pull back from, she was the kind you melted into. I needed to make sure it wouldn’t be just a one-time thing with her. Regret hit me with what I was about to say next.
“We should get you back to your car. It’s getting late and I have another early morning wake up call,” I let out in a shaky voice, dropping my hand and breaking our connection. It felt like we had only been here for minutes. I didn’t want to get her to leave, it was all a lie so we wouldn’t be tempted to take the intimate moment further.
Standing up, I took her hand in mine to help guide her back up the trail. She wore a disappointed look on her face, like she was expecting something else to happen, but she played along anyways. Her reaction almost made me think twice.
“Yeah. We should get back; my mom is probably wondering where I am. I don’t want to worry her.” She started to take off the hoodie I gave her. “Here, I should give this back to you?—”
I cut her off when I confessed, “Nah, it looks way better on you. Keep it.”
We drove in silence, something in the air feeling a bit more awkward than it was on our way to my place. Maybe it was because we were tired or because we were both avoiding the fact that we almost shared a kiss back there.
“Wait right here.” I parked next to her car and hopped out of the driver’s side before she could open the door. I wanted to clear up the awkwardness as much as I could in this moment. Opening up her car door for the second time tonight, I grabbed her hand to help her down once more. Looking up at me, she broke the silence with a sad smile.
I loved when she smiled, I just wanted to see the joy behind it instead of the sadness. The feeling that I was the reason for the grief inside of her tonight gutted me.
“Thanks for tonight. It was everything I needed after the day I had. I appreciate you coming to my rescue… again.”?
“You never need to thank me. The pleasure was mine, Paige.” I pulled her in for a time-consuming hug, taking a long drag of her lavender scent. To avoid her feeling like I didn’t want her, my hands crawled up her back and wrapped around the nape of her neck. I allowed my lips to linger a moment too long on her forehead, so she would know that I did want more with her. I didn’t want to leave her for the night with her thinking I didn’t want to kiss her, because I did want that. More than anything.
It just wasn’t the right time.
I loosened my grip around her body, releasing her from the firm hug I held her in. “Drive safe. Text me when you get home so I know you made it okay.”
I watched her drive away, and later that night, I slept like shit. She never texted me when she got home, and it had to be one of two reasons. She was either upset with me or she wasn’t safe, and that thought worried me more than anything. If she was a little upset with me, that was something I could handle. But when the image of Logan flashed through my mind, all I felt was rage.
Pacing back and forth on the soft carpet in my bedroom, it felt like I was going to burn a hole through the floor. The clock read two-thirty in bright red and it was late—beyond the time I normally went to bed. I was up checking my phone every other minute, hoping her name would pop up on the screen, which didn’t help.
Still no text.?
“Fuck it,” I mumbled under my breath as I grabbed my phone off the charger.
Me: Just checking in to make sure you got home safely.
I stared at the message I sent, waiting for her to text me back. I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I heard from her. She’s weaved her way under my skin in such a short amount of time that there was a permanent spot in my mind reserved for her, like she belonged there.
I haven’t felt like this about a woman in a long time. This feeling overwhelmed me so intensely that it was hard to eat or sleep unless I knew she was safe. I was fine being single and doing my own thing…until she came back to town. She showed up and it was like it only took one look at her to know she was different.
Those three dots showed up, and instantly, my anxiety started to settle.
Paige: I’m home, sorry... I showered first thing and had a late-night snack. My mind was all over the place and I completely spaced.
Fuck. She had no idea what she was doing to me, did she? I had no reason to worry, yet I’d been up all hours of the night, thinking about the worst-case scenario. My phone dinged with another text from her.
Paige: Shouldn’t you be asleep? Early morning, right?
I could sense the bite in her voice even through a text message. I was unsure if that was her way of getting back at me for cutting our night short and using work as an excuse, or if she was eager to talk more. So, I took the opportunity to be a little vulnerable.
Me: I’m sure I’ll have to drink an extra espresso shot or two in the morning, but I couldn't fall asleep until I knew you were safe.
Before I could overthink it, I sent another text.
Me: With everything that happened earlier with Logan, I was worried. He’s unhinged and my mind was running rampant with terrible thoughts. I have no problem helping you out when it comes to him but tell me… What’s the history? What did he do? I need to know how angry I need to be with the guy.
Angry. There was that word again. Every time Logan’s name came up or he crossed my mind, it made my skin fucking crawl. Before Paige came back to town, I felt like my anger was under control. I was going to therapy less and less these days. I was high on life, working hard to prove to my dad I was just as good of a leader in the construction business as he was. I’d hang out with friends and entertain the occasional conversation with a girl, if the timing was right. But Paige was back and when I was around her, I felt my happiest. I was on cloud fucking nine. Then Logan would come around and the rage was back—the rage that burned me up inside and hadn’t felt in years.
The ding of my phone caught my attention when I saw Paige had typed a response.
Paige: I don’t want to keep you up even later… It’s a long story.
Me: I have all the time in the world, especially when it comes to you, so lay it on me.?
Paige: Ugh. It’s crazy because it was all so long ago. But you never know what you’re going to get with Logan. Senior year of high school, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. His sudden mood swings were drastic. One minute, we would be doing just fine. The next, he was a completely different person. It was scary how quick his moods could change.
Paige: Something as small as me hanging out with my friends would give him the idea that I was out cheating on him. When I didn’t want to kiss and make up right after we had an argument, he would have another manic episode.
Paige: After a while, it was scary to be around him. He refused to take his meds and denied getting the proper help every time I mentioned it. I was the person who had to take the brunt of his outbursts. I left town because he wouldn’t accept the fact that I wanted to break up. I packed up and moved to Phoenix. I tried the whole college thing and that fell through, so I just stayed there and worked. I got used to being there and never craved coming back.
Paige: But today just proved to me that Logan hasn’t changed one bit.
Text after text filled my inbox with all the reasons why Paige feared to be around Logan. I was sure there was more to the story, but now I had a good idea of why she was so uncomfortable on the occasions he had come around. Especially after today, when he didn’t just show his anger through his words, but with his hands. Why she was so desperate for my help — even if pretending to date was a crazy idea. After all of this time away from him, she had good reason to fear him.
Me: I just thought he was a drunk asshole who people in town didn’t like to be around.?I didn’t know there was this whole other side to him. This unstable side…
Paige: Yeah, well… it gets worse.
Me: I’m gonna kill the guy and I don’t even know how it’s gotten worse yet. How could it actually get worse?
Paige: He never stopped trying to get a hold of me. When I blocked his phone number, he would always find a way around it. After months of silence, he would all of a sudden pop up on my social media accounts. Until I continued to block him with every contact. But over the years, he continued to linger around.?Just when I thought it was the last attempt, another message would pop up.
Paige: His last attempt online was six months ago. Then my dad’s funeral. And then again at Peaks.
There was no way in hell I was getting any sleep tonight after the info dump Paige just laid on me. Instead, I’d probably end up awake, staring at the ceiling, plotting different ways to get away with murder.
Me: Promise me something, Paige?
Paige: What’s that?
Me: If he EVER shows up at Peaks when I’m not there, text me. If he shows signs of any of his erratic behavior around you, text me. If you feel unsafe, text me. Call me. Use me. Promise me that you won’t be alone around that guy.
Paige: I promise… Thank you. I know this is a lot and isn’t your problem, it’s mine. But I really appreciate you, Declan.
Me: I have no problem taking on your problems if it makes your life easier. I’m going to try and get some sleep. Goodnight, Paige, I’ll see you soon.
Fuck, I was exhausted.?
Running off four hours of sleep, I rolled out of bed in desperate need of coffee and a cold shower. Anything that would help wake me up.?
Even after I said goodnight to Paige last night, I was still up thinking about everything she said. I found myself remembering every interaction with Logan or any time I saw him in town or at the bar. What lengths would he go to if all these years later, he was still obsessed with her?
I knew one thing was for sure, I’d be keeping a close eye on him. After last night at Peaks , I hope he knew not to mess with me. But something in my gut told me it wasn’t going to be that easy. Logan was like a fly. He would stick around and annoy you, constantly having to swat him away until eventually… you snapped.
Luckily, I knew she had the next couple days off work so she shouldn’t have any run-ins with him. Which got me thinking, I didn’t know when I’d get to see her next or get to catch a glimpse of her again.
On my lunch break, I reached out to my therapist I hadn’t seen in a while in hopes that he had an emergency opening for this afternoon. After everything that went down yesterday, I needed to talk with someone. I was desperate to unload everything I was feeling before I exploded.
After work, I headed straight for therapy, luckily, he was able to get me in last minute. I walked into the waiting room, immediately being hit in the face with the smell of orange blossoms coming from the diffusers. As I waited for him to invite me into his office, I rested my elbows on my knees and took in the smell, allowing it to relax me.
“Declan Cooper, come in.” His door creaked open and I gave him a nod as I stood up, walking into his room. “It’s been a while. Nice to see you again,” he added.
“Thanks for seeing me on such short notice, Doc. I know it’s been a while since we’ve met but I’ve had a rough couple of days.” He motioned for me to sit across from him on the brown leather couch.
“It’s not a problem at all. Let’s dive into it so I can see where I can help.” I sank into the plush couch and thought about where to begin.
“Her name is Paige.” I lifted my hat and ran my fingers through the shaggy strands that covered my forehead, pushing them back and placing the hat backwards on to my head.
“Paige. Tell me about her.” Doc peeked up at me from his thick-rimmed glasses.
“She came back into town. We’ve kind of reconnected after not knowing each other since we were kids. I’ve been spending a lot of time around her lately, and my life went from smooth sailing to a fucking tornado in the matter of weeks.”
“Tell me, what is it about her that has you feeling like your life has been flipped upside down recently?”
“Her fucking ex-boyfriend. That’s what. Or I guess, who ,” I huffed in frustration.
“I sense some discomfort at the mention of him. Tell me what it is about him that has you feeling this way.” Doc had such a calm demeanor, while I felt my heart rate start to pick up just thinking about all the ways Logan had pissed me off lately.
I ran through the last couple of interactions with Logan between the funeral and yesterday’s events at Peaks, and how I’ve found my anger increasingly worse than it had been in a while. Logan being the common denominator.
“He’s really testing me, Doc. I thought I had my anger under control. But being around him makes me feel like a teenager all over again, going through puberty and growing into my emotions and all that bullshit. My testosterone has been through the roof lately, and sometimes, I’m afraid I’m going to snap and lose every ounce of progress I’ve made over the years.”
“Have you talked to Paige, or anyone outside of this room, about how you’re feeling lately?” he questioned.
I shook my head. “I can’t tell Paige about my anger. She wouldn’t want anything to do with me. It would put me on the fast track to losing her.”
“And what’s holding you back from telling her?” he asked.
“Her ex is bipolar. He put his hands on her just a day ago. If I fly off the handle, especially in front of her, how am I any different than him?”
“Would you ever do anything to harm Paige?”
How could he ask that? Of course I’d never harm her. I cared about her too much to ever treat her like she had been treated in the past.
“Of course not! I snapped.”
“I didn’t ask you that because I thought you would harm her. I asked because I wanted you to see the difference between you and her ex-boyfriend. While he has his own issues he has to work through, he’s used his anger against her and not for her benefit.” I thought about what he said, trying to put his words into perspective.
“I see what you’re saying, but how do I stop myself from being heated around him all the time?”
“He’s clearly a trigger for you, and you did the right thing by coming to therapy to talk about it before acting on it. Assuming he isn’t going away, it’s going to be something that needs to be worked on. But of course, if you can limit your time around him, that would be the best-case scenario. I do think you would benefit from talking to Paige about the way you’re feeling. I know you’re fearful of her reaction but showing her that side of you and explaining your past would help you immensely in the long run.”
I sat there for a moment, letting his words absorb in my mind. Taking his advice would be the smart thing to do, I just needed to find the right time to tell Paige everything. Hopefully, the right time would be before my anger boiled over and made the situation worse.
“I hear what you’re saying, Doc. Sounds like I have some homework to do.” He gave me a nod in agreement as we both stood up and shook hands. “Thanks again for getting me in, I really appreciate it.”
“I’m glad you called, Declan. Don’t be afraid to come back more often if you find yourself needing it. Take care.” We exchanged goodbyes before I made my way out of his office and back to my truck, feeling a bit lighter.
This was just like any other therapy session; the only difference being that there was a girl in the picture this time, and so much of my anger came from not wanting her to judge me or see me the way she saw Logan. I’d make it my mission to keep working on myself and show her the difference between him and I. While I was getting the help I needed, it didn’t sound like he was.