Chapter 13
The weather was changing, and the leaves had fallen. The trees no longer looked bright and full of fall colors. Bare branches swayed outside my bedroom window with orange, yellow and red leaves scattered on the ground. The way it appeared outside reflected how it felt in this house: cold and empty.
Chase had been spending a lot of time with his friends lately, so he hadn’t been home much. Mom had been in and out of the house since the funeral last weekend. She had gone back to work just like me, probably looking for a way to get her mind off everything.?
I guess we were more similar than I thought.
She was a night nurse, so we typically worked the same hours unless either of us were pulling a double shift. Interactions with her had been minimal but I wanted to keep my promise to myself. If I was going to stick around, I was going to work on my relationship with my mom. Starting today.
Since I had the day off, I didn’t put much effort into getting ready. I threw on the first thing I could find, some leggings and Declan’s hoodie from last night. His woodsy smell drifted off the gray fabric, making the almost intimate moment between us last night run wild through my mind.
I made my way downstairs and noticed my mom cozied up on the couch with a blanket, her coffee and a book. She looked the most content I’d seen her since I came back home.
“Hey, Mom, what are you up to today?” I hoped I wasn’t interrupting her relaxing morning when I struck up a conversation. Putting the bookmark in between her pages marking where she left off, she set her book down and made eye contact with me.?
“I have the day off today. Was thinking I might go through some of Dads’ stuff in his closet.” I couldn’t quite read her expression, and I wasn’t even sure what she meant by that.
“Go through his stuff?” I repeated in question. I wasn’t expecting her to do that so soon. Giving us some distance, I sat on the couch, opposite of her.
“Yeah, the church was looking for donations for the wintertime, and his stuff isn’t going to fit Chase, so I figured I would just donate it.” Her response came off indifferent and stone cold.?
Concern was laced in my voice when I responded, “Mom… It… It’s been just over a week since Dad passed away. Don’t you think it’s kind of soon to be cleaning house?”
“Honey, I’m just ready for some closure. Everyone heals in their own way and I’m ready to start my healing process. Even if it does seem too soon to you.”
Soon was an understatement. I understood that my dad put her through some shit, but couldn’t she at least act like she cared? The confused look on my face showed every emotion I was feeling. I wanted to work on this relationship between the two of us, but I didn’t want to have disagreements. And this was a big one—I didn’t approve of what she was doing at all.
She chimed back in when she noticed I was on the verge of shutting down. “Look, your father was a great man. He was an amazing father, and I loved him for that. But he wasn’t a loyal husband. You spent a lot of time away when things were at their worst. I kept it together every day for Chase. But it’s been years since your father and I have been the husband and wife we once were. I’m just tired, Paige.”
I felt bad. I was torn because I wanted to put myself in my mom’s shoes while also remembering what an amazing father my dad was. But I felt like if I accepted this other version of him, my thoughts would be tainted. And all I wanted were good memories to remember him by.?
“I’m sorry he hurt you, Mom… Ugh, this is just so hard. I never knew he had this other side to him.” I couldn’t hold back the tears that started to shed. Furrowing her eyebrows, her face began to soften. She held out her arm as an invitation to come over where she sat on the couch. Taking a seat next to her, I lifted my legs up to my chest, hugging them close to my body as I leaned against her shoulder. It had been a while since my mom showed me comfort in this way.?
The ease she showed while I was hurting, it was a breath of fresh air.
Just like I was torn, I had a feeling she was too. I could only imagine years of not prioritizing yourself and now trying your best to do so. It was shitty timing, but I was trying to give her grace, even though I was torn apart inside.
“His past decisions are just that, the past. I’ll always love him. He was my first love and the father to my children. But I want to find the happiness I haven’t felt in a while. I hate he had to leave the world this way. I wish we could have just made it a few more months and then gotten a divorce. But it didn’t work out that way, and now I need some closure. It was always hard to sleep next to him, and now I just want to clear some things out and start the process.” She took a deep breath and rubbed her hand up and down my arm, comforting me, “I know we are both feeling very different things and now isn’t the time for me to tell you exactly how I am feeling. The last thing I want to do is taint your memories of him by unloading all his mistakes. Especially since he isn’t here to tell his side of the story.”
I understood my mom was hurting in her own way. I was just glad she was opening up to me as much as she could. I needed to be strong and take the small wins where I could get them, even if they didn’t seem right.
Mom was giving me the smallest insight into how she had been feeling—more than she had in a while. The door to her heart was cracked and I wanted to take advantage, seeing how far she’d let me in. I came here to mend this relationship, and if I didn’t get a few things off my chest, I felt like I was going to explode at any moment.
“Mom…” I whispered.
“What’s wrong, honey?” My head lifted from her shoulder as I gazed at her with tears continuing to build in my eyes. It was always tough to address these tough conversations since you never knew how the other person was going to react. I just hoped she wouldn’t be offended with what I had to say, and I could get it all out in the way it had been processing in my head for some time now.
“It’s just… My mind has been swirling lately. I think everything with Dad has brought up these feelings I’ve been harboring for some time now.” My chest expanded with a deep breath as I scooted back on the couch to have a better look at her when I started to unload years of trauma.
“Talk to me, Paige. What is all of this about?” Her brow dipped; a look of concern written across her face.
“Do you remember the reason I gave you and Dad when I chose to leave home all those years ago?”
“It’s been so long now but if I remember right, you told us that you wanted to get away from Logan. Start fresh. Something along those lines. Is that what this is about? Are you having problems with Logan again?”
“No, Mom. I… I’m having problems with you. I’ve been having problems with you.”
“With me ?” She reared back, looking more confused than ever.
A moment passed by as she waited for my response. I wanted to take the extra few seconds to make sure all this would come off with compassion. I didn’t want to point fingers at her and make her out to be a terrible mom.
“There has been this intense disconnect for years. At this point, I don’t know if it’s just in my head or if you’ve felt it too.”
“I mean, of course there has been distance between us. You moved away twelve years ago and never came home to visit, Paige.” Her voice started to turn cold—a defense mechanism of hers. All the warm and comforting feelings she was giving off just moments ago had vanished.
“I never came home because I didn’t feel wanted here. I waited for you, Dad and Chase to come visit me because you wouldn’t be distracted with work. You both came out to Phoenix for me and put work behind you. You’d take the time to be interested in my life for a few days, even if I was just a bartender with a minimal life. If I came home, I feared you would still go to work, come home to take care of Chase and forget I was even here like you used to. My fear became a reality when I came home for dad’s funeral. Here we are, I’ve been home just over a week, and this is the first real conversation I feel like we’ve had.” My heart was beating at lightning speed. There wouldn’t be any going back now. I opened a can of worms and I needed to finish this conversation. I needed to shift gears and get my mom and I into a good place.
“I don’t know what you want me to say to all of that. It’s a lot to digest,” my mom spoke in a soft voice.
“I don’t expect you to say much just yet. I wanted to have this conversation because I have a lot to say. I have a lot of feelings and I’m doing the best I can to get this all off my chest in a way that makes sense.” I ran my fingers through my hair and let out a frustrated sigh before finishing my thought. I didn’t want to dwell too much on the past, so I’d start with something a little more recent, hoping she’d be able to see where my feelings were coming from.
“When you called me to tell me Dad passed away, I know you were devastated. But I deserved to know the details before I hopped on a plane and came all this way to find out from my little brother, who knew everything before I did. You were strong for Chase, but you weren’t strong for me. When I came home you couldn’t even get out of bed to tell me what was going on?—”
“You’ve always been able to handle yourself, Paige. You’re an adult. You’ve been independent for as long as I can remember. You haven’t needed me in the ways that Chase has growing up,” she cut in.
The tears that were threatening to fall just moments ago trickled down my cheeks with no intention of stopping. I’ve always needed her, and she’s never understood that. I had no idea when she got this crazy idea in her head that her own daughter didn’t need her anymore. I was going to point fingers—exactly what I said I didn’t want to do—but I couldn’t figure out any other way to get out all these feelings eating me up inside.
“I handled myself because I always felt like too much. Too much work, too much of an inconvenience, too much of a burden. I watched you raise another child after I was already practically grown. Your hands were full, and I wanted to make your life easier, but I guess by doing that, I gave you the impression I didn’t need you. You say I don’t need you because I’m self-sufficient, but what kid doesn’t need their own mother?” For a brief moment my mom shifted her body, turning slightly so she wasn’t facing me. When I heard a sniffle, I realized I wasn’t the only one holding back my tears.
Fuck, I hated crying, but even more, I hated to see my mom cry. I hated being the reason she was crying. Inching closer to her, I found her hand, grabbing it so she could feel the sincereness in my voice when I told her how much I wanted her in my life. How badly I needed her in my life.
“Mom… I’ve always needed you. I need you now more than ever. Dad’s gone and I only have one parent left. I don’t want to lose you too. In your eyes, you see this strong, independent woman on the outside, but on the inside, I am crumbling . I’m feeling the loss of dad so intensely, but I don’t feel like I have anyone to express those feelings to.” Sobs escaped my body as I continued to hold on to her hand for dear life, hoping she could sense the desperation in how much I needed her.
Her hand didn’t leave mine when she faced me head-on. Any makeup she once had on was now streaming down her face.
“Paige, I am so sorry...” She grabbed a tissue from the end table to blot her wet eyes and runny nose before adding, “I signed up to be a mom thirty years ago and I’ve failed you. I’m not the perfect mom I’ve always strived to be. For years, I thought I did my job successfully. You always did well in school, and you moved to another state without looking back. You had absolutely no fear and I always had no idea how you became so strong, because I sure as hell wasn’t. Maybe that’s something you got from your father, but either way, I thought I had done my job by allowing you to spread your wings and fly. Your father passing away was another test I’d been given and… I failed. I’ve been selfish with my own healing that I’ve ignored how my own children were feeling, and I am so sorry I haven’t been the mother you deserve, Paige.”
I didn’t want to spend another minute dwelling on every emotion and instance from the last thirty years that were a revolving door in my mind. I just wanted to wrap my arms around my mother and tell her it was going to be okay. That it could only go up from here. That I was so incredibly sorry it took me years, until my father passed away, to have this conversation with her.
“We both have reasons we could sit here and beat ourselves up over but there’s no point in going backwards and living in the past. All we can do is move forward. This was a conversation that could have been had years ago but I’m not sure if I would have been able to handle it then. Shockingly, I think it was meant to have been had now. Plus, I have a feeling I’ll be spending some more time around here. It gives us plenty of time to make up for lost time.”
“Come here.” Mom squeezed my hand and pulled me into her embrace. We sat there for what felt like hours, her arms holding me so tight that I finally felt what I needed from my mom for all this time. Love.
“I love you, Paige. Even though this was hard and unexpected, thank you. Thank you for being so brave to tell me how you’ve been feeling. I’m not perfect and I have plenty of things to work on, but I’m here whenever you need me, even if it’s just to listen. Whatever it is, I’ll be here.”
Those last few words rang in my ears. I’m here whenever you need me.
My mind went back to that card I found from my dad all those years ago, him once saying the same exact words. The irony in her words gave me comfort. I didn’t feel alone on an island any longer. I felt loved, wanted, and needed.
“I love you too, Mom,” I whispered, my eyes finally drying up from all the tears shed. Before we got lost on this emotional roller coaster, my mom planned to clean up Dad’s things. It wasn’t something I was begging to do but maybe it would help my mom like she wanted it too. Right now, spending the afternoon doing anything with her was exactly what our relationship needed.
“Mind if I help you clean up his stuff?”
Giving me a sad smile, she nodded in agreement. “I’d like that, honey.”
Offering up my help may be hard when it came to the parent that was no longer here, but being so vulnerable in this situation would hopefully help our relationship grow. I figured she was determined to do this anyway, so I might as well help and set aside a few things of my own I could get rid of when I was ready. Or just hold on to them as a memory. It would be hard but maybe it would end up being more therapeutic than I thought.
If I wanted a better relationship with my mom, then step one was finding her happiness. She had already opened up to me today, so maybe she would start doing that more often if she felt like she was in a more positive environment.?
We spent the day bagging up items of clothing and taking photos out of frames that we then placed in photo albums. I made sure to set aside a few shirts I thought Chase might like, and a few baggy sweaters and shirts for myself I could wear to bed. I kept a few pictures in their frames and put them up in my room, after all, I saw this as a compromise. I still needed to feel my dad’s presence in at least one room in this house. But everywhere my mom would be, she could feel better by clearing those things out.
It was a long, emotional day. After putting the few mementos around my temporary room, I sat there in silence. My mind wandered to Declan as I looked down and realized I was still wearing his hoodie. Taking a big inhale with the sleeves around my face, I instantly felt relaxed. Being surrounded by his smell made me imagine his arms enveloped around me tightly and the comfort that feeling brought me.
That lonely feeling crept in, and I found myself wanting his company. Turning my camera on my phone so it was front facing, I snapped a selfie in his oversized hoodie. Feeling content with the final product, I pulled up our text thread and sent it to him. No message. Just the photo.
The impulsive feeling took over when I sent him the picture of myself, not really considering what the outcome would be. It had to have been only thirty seconds before a response dinged on my phone.
Biting my lower lip, my nerves raced through me like a ticking time bomb as I thought of what his reply would be.
Declan: Are you trying to turn me on, Paige?
Wasn’t expecting that. I thought maybe he’d call me pretty or say something funny and flirty like he normally did. But I wasn’t mad about it. I loved this side of Declan and I kind of wanted to see how far I could push him.
Me: I wouldn’t mind it if you were…
Declan: You sitting there wearing my clothes, with God knows what underneath, will be the death of me.
I decided to push it one step further.
Me: What if I said I wasn’t wearing anything underneath?
I wanted Declan more than I think he knew. When he almost kissed me last night, the lines started to blur. I wanted him to close the gap; we were so close. At first, I just wanted a distraction. But the more I got to know him and the more time we spent together; my thoughts went in a different direction. Seeing where he spent his time alone last night, and the fact that he shared that slice of heaven with me, started to change my mind.
I wanted more moments by the creek with him. I wanted to see the inside of that house he built with his own two hands. I wanted to somehow weave myself into his life so deep that he couldn’t get rid of me.
Declan: I’d say I need to get home right now to relieve the pressure that's building beneath my zipper.
Me: Am I distracting you while you’re trying to work?
A slow smirk spread across my mouth thinking about how I was the reason he had a hard-on at work. All because I was wearing his sweater. That made me wonder what his reaction would be if I was beneath him, on my knees for him, completely bare.
I wanted to see him lose control with me. The thought of him hovering above me flashed through my mind, and before I knew what I was doing, my hand was sliding down my leggings to my warm center.
Declan: Distraction is an understatement. I’m tempted to head home early so I can take a cold plunge in the creek or a hot shower to relieve myself.
Me: Why choose the creek when you could be in a hot shower thinking of me touching myself right now?
Declan: Are you touching yourself in my sweater right now, baby girl?
Me: I was touching myself in your sweater... but it got in the way, so I took it off.
Declan: Fuck, you’re killing me right now. What are you thinking about right now, Paige? What’s going to bring you to the edge to make you come for me?
My fingers weren’t going to be enough now. I needed more. Something more intense to chase this high I was feeling. I reached over to my bedside drawer where I stashed my vibrator when I unpacked.
Me: I’m pretending my little pink toy is your mouth.
Declan: I’m so fucking hard right now. You’re such a tease. Touching yourself and telling me all about it, knowing I’m stuck at work and can’t do anything to relieve myself. You’re going to pay for this, Paige.?
The feeling of my toy latched on to me was too powerful to ignore. Multitasking was not an option right now. It was either text him back or chase my orgasm. I chose myself.
Declan: It better be my name you’re moaning when you finish fucking yourself, Paige.?
The way he said my name in that serious tone, even in a text message, turned me on. I wanted to hear the growl of his deep voice in person. I wanted to hear my name pass his lips in this same setting, but in real life and not hidden behind a screen.
Declan: I hope you’ve gone radio silent on me because your fingers are busy being squeezed by your tight pussy right now, baby girl.
Fuck, just thinking about him and everything that hasn’t happened between us—that I so desperately wanted—was enough to send me over the edge.?Ecstasy ran through me at an all-time high as my toy latched on to my most sensitive parts. The vibrations and suction sent goosebumps running up my limbs.
I threw my phone down, emptying one hand to pinch one of my hardened nipples. The sensation sent me into a whirlwind as I felt the pressure building, just waiting to crash down on me. I didn’t know what had gotten into me. His dirty mouth had sent me overboard. I dialed up the intensity on my toy, and not even ten seconds later, my body was quivering, my breathing picking up and my clit swollen and too sensitive to touch.
Me: You have no idea how badly I needed that.
I hadn’t had an orgasm that intense in God knows how long. Between the smell of his sweater, the feeling I felt last night when I wanted him to kiss me and thinking about him in those damn jeans he wore to work had me feeling all sorts of things. Things I needed to take care of before I exploded.
I had no idea what it would be like the next time we saw each other, but deep down, I hoped this took us to another level. I wanted him to make a move on me. I craved the words he said over text, lusting for him to say everything he just said to me, but with his muscular body pressed against mine.?
I didn’t want to be Declan’s fake girlfriend. I don’t know what I wanted to be, but I knew I needed him near me.