Chapter 14
“W e’ve gotta go,” Alba said, glancing at Zainab before looking back at their server. “Sorry. Can we also get a grilled veggie quesadilla with extra avocado salsa, and then get the whole order to go?”
He nodded before running off in the direction of the kitchen.
“Is Neve okay?” Zainab asked, clearly worried.
“No.”
“What happened?”
“Charlie, of course.” Alba shook her head, her gaze flicking towards the kitchen. She probably should have told Neve she’d be longer than twenty minutes, but twenty minutes already sounded like a long time when you were alone and hurting. “Neve tried to talk to her tonight about… Well, I don’t know all the details, but definitely about how she’s been acting about me.”
Zainab raised her eyebrows, something between knowing and accusing. “I’m guessing it didn’t go down well.”
“Doesn’t seem like it.”
“Do you want to tell me why she’s friends with Charlie?”
Alba blew out a breath. There were moments where she’d wondered the same thing. “Not sure of the details, but they’ve been friends a long time, they live together… Sounds like there’s a lot of history there.”
“But not enough history for her not to act like a dick about Neve’s friends?”
“Guess not.”
Zainab downed the rest of her water. “I don’t think this is a time for me telling you so, but I did warn you Charlie was picking up on something.”
“What, like me wanting to be friends with Neve?”
She rolled her eyes. “No, like you wanting to be something more than friends with Neve.”
Alba sighed. “Look, for… various reasons that is a non-issue. And, even if it were on the table, I don’t think that’s reason enough to leave your supposed best friend sobbing, all alone, in her car because she tried to talk to you about it.”
Zainab’s expression tightened. “Yeah, that’s fair.”
“You give me a hard time about it constantly, but not in a way that I feel attacked or controlled.”
“Is that how Neve’s been feeling?”
“I think it’s about more than just me—”
“Yeah, you’re not that important,” she interjected with a smirk.
Alba scowled. “But, yeah, I think that’s basically their whole thing.”
“She needs new friends.”
“Easier said than done.”
“I can imagine.”
“How long is this food going to take?” Alba muttered, mostly to herself and entirely rhetorically, glancing towards the kitchen again.
“She’s always welcome to stay at our place. For as long as she needs,” Zainab said seriously.
Alba shot her a look. “You’re not worried I’m going to fall in love with her if she’s staying at our place?”
Her eyes searched Alba’s face for an uncomfortably long moment. “With regards to that, I don’t think it matters whether she’s staying at our place or not. But, that’s irrelevant. I like her, you’re friends with her, she needs help, and, besides, I have no interest in acting like Charlie. You can make your own choices and, like I said, I’ll be there if it all comes tumbling down.”
Alba shot her a smile. She and Zainab liked to wind each other up, but they were always going to be in each other’s corners. She wished Charlie could have done the same for Neve and she didn’t even know the whole story yet.
Her smile switched back from sincere to its usual, casual expression and she nodded towards Zainab. “Well, you can invite her to stay yourself, if you like. I’m not planning on running to her place, and we came in the same car.”
“Oh, really, you don’t want to run down the highway dragging two people’s meals with you?”
“Right back to snark, I see.”
“What else did you expect?”
“Nothing. And I’d have been disappointed if you’d done something else.”
Zainab laughed. “I know. But I’m not coming with you. I’ll drop you off, but I don’t think she needs both of us there. You said she was in her car?”
“Yeah, but I’m not trying to ditch you for dinner. You can totally—”
“I’m a big girl. I can handle eating alone.”
“You sure?”
“Am I sure I know how to feed myself? Yeah, had that skill down for a good while now.”
“You’re insufferable.”
“And you’re not?” She stared pointedly at Alba.
“I own it.”
Clearly deciding the battle wasn’t worth it, Zainab shook her head and dropped it. “What’s with the extra avocado salsa? You didn’t even ask her what she wanted. How do you know what she wants extra of?”
“Informed guess based on what she ordered at brunch. She loves avocados. You should have seen her being all cute about her avocado toast.”
Zainab watched her with that knowing, accusatory gaze again. “How very millennial of her.”
“As if you’re not the exact same way?”
“This isn’t about me.”
“I’ll say.”
“Maybe I’m just worried about how it is that Neve somehow likes you back. What could such a soft, sweet person like her be doing hanging out with you?”
“Oh, it’s not a prerequisite to be like me to appreciate all that I bring to your life. As I’m sure you must be aware.”
“Insufferable.”
The waiter arrived back at their table with three boxes of food bagged up together and Alba led the charge on paying and getting out of there as quickly as possible. She slid into the passenger seat, grateful that Zainab was the one driving them to Neve’s place. It had already taken longer than she’d have liked to get their food. She was more worried about Neve with every minute that passed. If she’d been the one driving, she could only imagine she’d have been tempted to speed in her desperation to reach Neve and let her know she wasn’t alone.
Zainab, however, wasn’t quite as worried as Alba. Concerned, but in control of her driving. She managed to get them there quickly enough, but it felt like an eternity for Alba.
As soon as Zainab pulled over in Neve’s parking lot, Alba launched herself out of the car, thanking Zainab and taking the two portions of food she’d ordered for herself and Neve. She hadn’t thought twice about it even though she had no idea whether Neve might have already eaten. She’d hazard not given how worried Neve had been, but it didn’t matter if she had. All that mattered was letting her know people cared and wanted to look after her in a way that felt safe and considered.
Neve looked edgy in her car, watching Alba walk towards her, her eyes only flickering back to Zainab’s car once Alba was sliding into her passenger seat and Zainab—satisfied that Alba and Neve were safe—drove away.
“You were out with Zainab?” Neve asked, slightly panicked.
“Just grabbing some food.” She held up the bag. “I brought you some too.”
“Oh.” She stared at the bag. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. You didn’t need to do that. You can call Zainab back and go eat with her.”
“That’s not necessary. She assures me she knows how to feed herself.”
Neve’s eyes went wide. “I wasn’t trying to imply that—”
Alba laughed. “I know. Don’t worry. Zainab just thinks she’s funny.”
Alba looked Neve over. She looked exhausted. Honestly, worse than when they’d first met. Alba could understand that. Being dumped in a Best Buy was horrid, but was it ever really going to compare to a devastating argument with her best friend?
Alba had been part of more than enough breakups to know they stung, but nothing hurt like losing a close friend.
She wondered if it might be different with a long-term relationship, but, since she didn’t have a lot of experience of that, and none that hurt worse than losing a friend, she didn’t think about it for too long.
While placing the bag of food in the back footwell, she reached for Neve with her free hand, pulling her into a hug over the center console. “Sorry it took so long to get here.”
Neve shook her head into Alba’s shoulder, her breathing shaky. “I appreciate you coming at all. I’m sorry for interrupting your evening.”
“You didn’t.”
She let out something between a little sob and a laugh. “Objectively, I did.”
“This isn’t a court of law. You don’t need to go all objectively on me.”
Neve groaned, the sound muffled by her shaky breath and Alba’s shoulder, but she was clearly a little amused, and Alba would take that. She’d take anything just to make Neve’s day a little better.
She held Neve there, in the dark of the car, for as long as Neve needed, refusing to be the first to let go. When Neve did eventually pull back, Alba gestured out the window. “Do you want to get out of here?”
Neve looked sadly up at her building. “Yeah, but I don’t think I can…” She trailed off, looking at the steering wheel.
If Alba had thought about it, she’d probably have guessed Neve was in no state to drive, but, after their previous conversation, she had no interest in presuming Neve wanted her to do the driving.
She reached over to brush Neve’s damp hair out of her face—she’d obviously cried a lot tonight. “Want me to drive?”
Neve shot her a fearful look but nodded. “I don’t even know where to go.”
Alba smiled. “I know a place.”
They swapped seats and, as promised, Alba did know a place. She could have simply taken Alba to her apartment, knowing that Zainab would have been fine with it and that they’d have had privacy in Alba’s room—or simply sitting in the car outside—but she wanted something different for Neve tonight. She deserved something in this day to be good.
Neve didn’t ask questions about where they were going, but, as they drove, she did tell Alba what had happened with Charlie, leaving Alba equal parts confused and angry. Things had been fine while Charlie hated her—seemingly for no reason—but hurting Neve so much was unacceptable. And Alba couldn’t even figure out the reason for it. The whole thing just felt callous.
Charlie had a partner, presumably had friends and colleagues outside of their apartment, but the first sign of Neve befriending someone and she resorted to anger, control, and comments no friend should ever be saying to someone they supposedly cared about? Did she expect Neve to live a life isolated from everyone else? Even if it was simply concern that Alba was trying to date Neve and would then break up with her just like Roxanne, the whole thing felt like a massive overreaction, like there had to be something deeper to it. Alba just couldn’t figure out what.
Though, she didn’t think she’d ever be able to figure out what motivated someone to tell their best friend that nobody would ever care about them for who they are.
Neve didn’t seem to have any insights on the cause either, and that just made the whole thing even weirder. Whatever was going on was entirely one-sided but Charlie had destroyed Neve and their friendship for it—whatever it was.
Alba pulled off the main road and onto an unassuming, quiet road that was hard to spot if you didn’t know it existed. They wound up it, passing nobody else on their way.
It was only once they reached the top and Alba parked the car that Neve seemed to really take in her surroundings.
“Where are we?” she asked, staring out the window at the view.
Alba smiled softly, watching Neve’s mesmerized expression. Today might suck, but at least this moment was good. She grabbed the bag of food from the back. “I don’t actually know what it’s called, but I found it by accident once, and now I like to come here when I need a little… distance.”
In truth, she mostly came here when she needed to work through things or celebrate things she wasn’t ready to tell other people about yet. There was something about looking out at the city, miles away and lit up at night, that just made everything better.
“Shall we?” Alba offered her hand to Neve even though she would definitely need to let go of it to get out of the car.
Neve took it, glancing for only a moment at Alba before looking back out at the view and nodding but not moving.
Bringing her to this lookout had probably been the best idea of Alba’s life.
After a long moment, Neve let go of Alba’s hand and led the way out of the car.
Alba joined her, slipping the car keys into her own pocket, and feeling an odd spark of delight at doing so. It wasn’t the time, the place, or the relationship for it, but there was something so intimate about it. Well, maybe there wasn’t, but, for Alba, it felt like there was. Probably just because it was Neve, though. She’d never felt the same way putting Zainab’s keys in her pocket. Which, actually, didn’t happen all that often, but probably had once or twice.
Alba caught up with Neve and led her over to a picnic bench. In the daylight, especially at weekends, it was a battle to get a spot here, but, at night, Alba had never had to fight for it. She was planning to be civil because Neve was with her, but was impressed when Neve, without hesitation, clambered up on top of the table. It was the exact spot Alba always found herself sitting in, always desperate for just a little more height, just a little more view of the valley beyond that spread out until it met the city.
Attempting to hide her soft smile, she climbed up next to Neve and set about handing her food just for something to do other than staring at her in amazement.
Neve held the box against her knee for a moment, still looking out at the view, before she looked down at it. “You really didn’t have to come at all, let alone bring me food.”
“I know. I wanted to.”
“If you’d asked me half an hour ago, I’d have told you I was in no mood to eat.”
Alba watched her. “And now?”
A sad smile flickered across her face. “I think I should eat something.”
“You only have to eat what you want to. No more, no less.”
She nodded, taking a deep breath before she opened the container and stared at it. “How did you—?”
Alba’s chest expanded triumphantly. She’d chosen well. “Just a lucky guess.”
“I’d just assumed it was going to be fries. Which, don’t get me wrong, that would have been amazing too, but…” She looked at Alba, her eyes wide and mystified.
“Hey, I paid attention. What can I say?”
Neve’s breath caught around a sob and Alba watched her fight back tears. She was certain she’d never made someone cry over food before, but she knew it really wasn’t about the food. Even Alba was insightful enough to know it was the feeling of being seen and understood by someone, right when Neve needed it the most.
“Bon appétit,” Alba said, smiling.
“Do you speak French?”
“Uh, no. Sorry. Not really. I did a little bit in school, but, generally, no.” She laughed. “I was just… being fancy.”
Neve breathed a laugh. “I think the view’s already bringing the fancy for you.”
“Yeah. You’re not wrong there.” Alba gazed out at the city and ate her own food. She’d never come here with someone else on purpose. Sure, she’d been here when other people were, but this was the first time she’d ever brought anyone. Zainab knew about the place, vaguely, but they’d never come here together. Alba wondered whether she should have felt weirder about bringing Neve here. It was like letting someone into a tiny, private place inside of her, she supposed, but it didn’t feel weird at all. It felt right.
They ate in silence, the space around them filled with the sounds of the evening. Alba’s general approach in both life and around Neve had been to talk a lot, but the silence between them felt perfect. She knew Neve needed it.
It took some time, but, eventually, Neve broke the conversational silence. She glanced at Alba and away again. “Do you like being allo?”
Alba furrowed her brow. “Do I like it?”
“Yeah.” She froze. “Sorry, I assumed you were. I really shouldn’t have.”
Alba smiled softly. “I am.”
It wasn’t something she thought about much, in truth, because, much like everything else that had somehow become the default setting, people tended not to think about it when they fit that category. Now that she actually thought about it, it felt like a fairly huge thing she’d just been taking for granted.
“Yeah,” she finally said. “I don’t mind it. Though, of course, I don’t know what the alternative is like, so it’s hard to say completely.”
“What’s it like?”
Alba looked up at the sky. They were still too close to the city for the stars to be particularly bright, but her eye caught on a couple of them. “It’s… familiar, I suppose. Just how things have always been. Well, probably not always, but you know what I mean.”
Neve nodded. “Is it overwhelming?”
“Not as a general rule. There are moments, or people, or certain situations that can feel more overwhelming than others, but, you know, that’s sort of when you’re in it with someone and you both know where things are heading.”
Neve frowned. “Do you ever feel guilty about it?”
Alba didn’t need to ask to know the question was because Neve often felt guilty about being asexual. She didn’t need to, but multiple people breaking up with you because of it, and your supposed best friend making you feel like nobody would ever love you because of it had to make it feel like something you were supposed to feel guilty over.
Alba was never going to forgive Charlie for the words she’d thrown at Neve. How dare she even think those things let alone say them?
But, for the question, Alba wasn’t sure. Did she ever feel guilty about her sexuality?
Alba hummed as she considered. “I don’t feel guilty for being allo. I sometimes feel a little weird about fancying someone I probably shouldn’t, but I’d say it’s a lot less frustrating being sexually attracted to someone than it is being romantically attracted to someone you shouldn’t. You know, the sexual attraction will pass, but, wanting to actually be with someone completely? That’s bigger, different.”
“You separate the two?”
Alba was surprised at the shock in Neve’s voice. Looking her over in the low light, it was written all over her face too. Either Neve had never felt safe enough to ask anyone else before or she’d only been around people who couldn’t.
Alba shrugged. “I can do. They feel different. They mean different things.”
“They aren’t connected?”
“No, they often are, but…” She trailed off, wondering how on earth to explain it. “I can be physically attracted to someone without knowing them. I can be physically attracted to someone it turns out I have nothing in common with. Even to someone whose personality I end up hating.”
Neve shuddered. “That sounds horrible.”
Alba laughed. “Depending on what they’re like, I suppose it could be. But that’s the thing. It’s physical. You can have an… encounter and then go your separate ways. But, wanting to be with someone? That’s different. More intense, I would say, but also a different kind of intense, because that’s physical and something more—wanting to be around someone all the time, getting to know them, being attracted to who they are and… you know.” Alba paused. “Does it bother you? Talking about sex?”
Neve laughed awkwardly. “I asked the question.”
“I know, but you can ask the question and still want to avoid certain things, certain words…”
“No. It’s okay.”
Alba nodded.
Neve sucked in a breath. “So, when you like someone, you want to be around them and know them, but you also… want to see them naked all the time?”
“Not all the time. You know, logic plays a part in it, a lot of factors play a part in it. You’re always attracted to them, but you don’t need to be having sex all the time.” Alba sighed. She really didn’t know how to explain it properly, especially to someone who’d never experienced it. She wished she’d done some more research on the topic. She’d owed it to Neve to do more research on the topic.
Neve was quiet for several minutes, lost in her own thoughts. “Do you think it makes me a child to not feel that way?”
Alba looked at her. Neve’s voice had been barely more than a whisper. She didn’t deserve the doubt and pain the people who’d hurt her had inflicted upon her.
“No. I don’t,” Alba said, resolutely. “There are a million things that make you an adult, but, even so, you are not a child. Factually speaking.”
“A lot of people act like if you don’t want sex, you’re childish. It’s like you’re missing something, like you’re barely even human.”
“Does it feel like you’re missing something?”
“No. But, I clearly am.”
“I don’t think that’s true. You have a sexuality. It works differently than a lot of people’s, but it still exists.”
“Does it count if it’s an absence of something, though?”
“Yes.”
Neve looked at her, studying her face hard. Eventually, she glanced down. “I’ve wondered for a long time whether Charlie thinks I need to be treated like a child because I’m ace. I’ve done everything else you’re supposed to do to be an adult—got a degree, got a job, got a place, had relationships. I feel like I’ve done everything I can, but she still treats me like a child. Especially when I get broken up with, and that’s always about sex, so I figure…”
Without looking directly at her, Alba reached over and took Neve’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “If that’s true, it’s Charlie’s problem, not yours. You don’t have to prove you’re an adult. You shouldn’t have to prove you’re deserving of respect or being treated like an adult. And Charlie—and everyone else—should not be acting like your sexuality has any bearing on how they treat you. That’s all their doing, not yours.”
“I think that’s a lesson a lot of people are still struggling with in general.”
“Yeah, well, that sucks for them.”
“And for us.”
Alba nodded. “But the problem is theirs. Sexual attraction is no different.”
“So, you don’t think I’m an incompetent child?”
Alba squeezed her hand gently. “I do not. And anyone who really cares won’t either. I promise.”
“What if nobody cares?” There was a desperate, heartbroken edge to her voice. Alba really was never forgiving Charlie for the damage she’d done.
She moved a little closer to Neve. “I care. I will always care.”