Chapter 13
N eve took a deep breath before stepping out of her room. She still had no idea what she was going to say, but she knew she needed to say it. Whatever it was.
Her heart pounded in her chest as she headed down to the kitchen. Confrontation had never been her favorite thing but it was especially bad when it was with those closest to her. Perhaps there were some relationships where the closer you were to a person, the safer it felt to speak out about your feelings, or to disagree with them, because you both knew, deep down, that none of it was going to change your relationship. You felt safe on the bedrock you’d built together. Anything said that the other didn’t agree with was simply the river running by you both. It would pass by and pass on and nothing would change. You’d both still be there.
Neve had never felt like that. Everything felt as though it were hastily built on top of a cliff edge that was threatening to plunge itself into the sea. Every moment didn’t always feel like that, but any time she needed to push back or deviate or disagree, that was exactly how it felt.
She wanted to believe her friendship with Charlie was strong enough to encompass Neve being a full, whole, adult woman, but it hadn’t been feeling that way.
She’d told herself she’d wait for a good time, in a good place, where they could sit down and have the conversation, and actually concentrate. However, she stepped into the kitchen, saw Charlie sitting at the little table while Alice whirled around the kitchen cooking, and, before even greeting them, blurted out, “I’m going to a party with Alba on Thursday.”
Once the words were out, she couldn’t take them back, but she wanted to. Far more painful than the breakup with Roxanne was the moment hanging in the kitchen. The one where she might be about to lose her two best friends. What was nine months with Roxanne compared to years of friendship with Charlie? Alice too, but she’d known Charlie longer, and Charlie was the one with the real problem with Alba.
Charlie frowned, looking from Alice’s back to Neve, still stood in the doorway. Alice turned to look at Charlie too.
Neve hesitated. “Uh. Yeah, so, there’s that. How are you both?”
“Why?” Charlie asked, ignoring Neve’s question.
“Because it’s Zainab’s birthday and she asked me to.”
“Zainab asked you to go? Or Alba asked you to go?”
“Alba asked me to go,” Neve said, feeling very slightly like the room was swaying. She hated the undercurrent in Charlie’s voice.
“You texted her? Why ?” Her expression made Neve’s skin crawl.
“Because I wanted to.” Neve wasn’t entirely sure where the boldness had come from but it was the truth.
“Why would you put yourself in danger like that?”
Neve’s head was pounding. Somewhere deep inside of her was her teenage self. She’d never been especially rebellious at any age, but now, her teenage self felt like the stubborn part of her. That was the part that hated it the most when people pushed her into things she didn’t like or asked questions like she was a child.
“I’m not sure Alba’s that dangerous,” Alice said, placing a hand over one of Charlie’s.
“How would we know that?” Charlie asked, more gentle when she was addressing Alice than when she was addressing Neve.
The teenager inside of Neve burned and railed again, demanding that same type of respect, demanding to have her own opinions about her own life, and to not have every one of them immediately called into question and open to public discussion.
“Well, we did meet her. She seemed nice enough. Maybe it’s okay if they hang out sometimes,” Alice said directly to Charlie. It was as though the two of them were having a conversation Neve wasn’t even a part of.
“She seemed like an arrogant asshole,” Charlie sneered, her voice only controlled because it was Alice she was addressing.
“You don’t even know her,” Neve yelled. She hadn’t been meaning to yell. She wasn’t someone who yelled—ever, really—but it bubbled up inside of her and burst out before she could think it through.
Alice and Charlie both turned back to Neve in surprise.
“Okay. Calm down,” Charlie said, clearly not taking the situation as seriously as Neve needed her to.
Humiliated, angry tears welled in Neve’s eyes. Her chest felt like it was going to burst. Years of putting herself away and putting up with being treated like a child, like she was barely competent swelled painfully inside of her. “No. No, I won’t calm down,” she said, no longer yelling, but she could hear her voice quivering. “You’re both sitting there debating whether or not someone I’m friends with is someone I’m allowed to be friends with? Whether she’s good enough for me to spend time with? And you’re calling her names without even knowing her. You know, most people would be thankful that someone helped one of their loved ones when they were in trouble, but the whole time, you’ve just been judging her.”
Charlie scowled at her. “You got into a stranger’s car while you were upset. That’s objectively a dangerous thing to do.”
“I am not a child.” The words felt like they were bouncing around Neve’s head, like the echo of something her body had been begging her to say for years. “I’m more than capable of deciding whether a situation feels safe or not.”
Charlie folded her arms. “Well, sorry for being concerned about you.”
Neve’s breath was ragged, her vision swimming through the tears. “Do not do that.”
Well, sorry for being a terrible mother…
Well, sorry for worrying about you…
Well, sorry for being sexually attracted to you…
Well, sorry… sorry… sorry…
Neve caught the moment Charlie realized what she’d done and what it would mean for Neve. Something like embarrassment flashed across her face before she fixed it back into a resolved mask.
And that hurt almost as much as the words themselves. Couldn’t she just have apologized for using them? Did she have to double down?
“Look,” Charlie said, “you’ve got a bad track record. People hurt you and you fall for them and end up devastated. We’re just trying to keep you away from people who are going to destroy you again. It’s not like you can be trusted to make those decisions for yourself.”
“I’m not even dating Alba. It’s not at all the same. And even if I was, it’s my life. It’s supposed to be my choice to make.” Neve couldn’t breathe through the sobs threatening to break free from the onslaught of memories and the betrayal of having Charlie, her best friend, throw them in her face.
She’d suspected Charlie thought them, but having her thoughts confirmed out loud was far worse than anything Neve could have imagined.
“We’re just trying to help,” Alice insisted.
“You’re supposed to be my friends,” Neve gasped, every muscle in her body aching under the weight of it all.
“So that means we’re supposed to sit back and watch someone take advantage of you? Watch you associate with people who are no good for you?” Charlie spat the words and Neve couldn’t understand why she felt this way about Alba. The whole thing felt like it was spiraling too far, too fast.
“You don’t know her.”
“Neither do you. She just shows up, taking advantage of someone who’s just been dumped, and you think she’s going to respect you, you think she’s going to love you as you are, but she’s going to be like everyone else. She’s not going to want you more than she wants sex. Just like everyone else.” Charlie stood up. “If we don’t look after you, who’s going to?”
Hot tears streamed down Neve’s face. She needed to believe that her best friends didn’t view her the same way she viewed herself—as though she were unworthy of love—but, here it was, Charlie admitting that who Neve was was never going to be enough. Never worthy of love. Never loved enough. Never respected enough. Never cared about enough. Good for friendship, otherwise alone forever. In need of other people looking after her, making her decisions, taking away her friends like broken toys she was too foolish not to play with.
And the fact that all she had in the world was Charlie and Alice. Nobody else who cared. Nobody else who was going to look out for her.
She sucked in a painful, stabbing breath. Care wasn’t supposed to feel like this. “You were supposed to be my friends. Friends don’t do this,” she whispered, unable to speak any louder, before turning and heading out of the apartment, pausing only to grab her bag by the door.
She raced to her car, desperate for a place to be locked in and safe. So long as the car doors were locked, nobody else could get in, nobody else could hurt her.
Although, would anyone even try? Charlie had essentially confirmed they wouldn’t.
When she was certain neither Charlie nor Alice was going to be chasing her from the building, she collapsed in on herself, crying freely, keeping her head down so nobody passing by would see.
The last time she’d been crying in public, she’d met Alba. It had felt like a miracle, like the exact thing she’d needed. But it had led to this.
Maybe she’d always have ended up here—with or without Alba. She hadn’t lied, Charlie and Alice didn’t know Alba. Who Alba was didn’t really matter. For the two of them, Alba was simply a placeholder, a figurehead of what they believed Neve’s life to be.
She wished they could have believed in her more, believed she deserved more than they thought she did.
When the tears subsided slightly, she looked back up at her apartment. Their windows didn’t look out over this side, which she was glad of, but it did make the place feel even further away than it already did. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do. Walking back inside didn’t feel wise. She couldn’t fight anymore, she didn’t want to see them, and she imagined that the tension in the house would simply trap her in her room, panicking.
But, if not back home, where was she supposed to go?
Fresh tears welled up. Charlie was right. Neve didn’t have anyone else.
She had colleagues and acquaintances, sure. And, sure, she technically had family out there, but she wasn’t in touch with them. She didn’t really have anyone she could call in an emergency. It was always just Charlie and Alice. For a few months, Roxanne had maybe been on the list, but…
Her mind flicked to Alba.
She’d already caused enough havoc in Alba’s life, already cried on her. Alba didn’t need that again.
Plus, she knew how much Charlie would hate her running straight to Alba.
Neve hated that, after everything, Charlie’s opinion still mattered and was still so painfully engraved in her heart that it felt almost impossible to do anything that she would disapprove of.
She wasn’t entirely certain friendship was supposed to make you feel that way.
But, Alba was Neve’s friend, and Neve desperately needed a friend.
It wasn’t as though Neve hadn’t already risked Charlie’s disappointment by hanging out with Alba. What did it matter to do the same thing now?
She opened her text conversation with Alba, her eyes lingering on their last exchange. From one perspective, it could be read as a hopeful request for luck and a belief it would go well—requesting a call after so as to celebrate good news. Neve had known better than to expect that. Deep down, she’d known she was only ever going to end up here. That was why she’d been putting it off for so long. Part of her didn’t want to shatter Alba’s optimism with the truth of what had happened.
But Alba had said to call her. She had hidden from Charlie in Neve’s apartment. She had been on the receiving end of Charlie’s glare. Maybe she, too, had known, deep down, what was about to happen. And maybe she really did want to be there for Neve. Maybe someone might care?
Neve wasn’t usually one for calling without texting first, but, if she didn’t just do it, she’d be frozen again, her whole evening lost in her car, all alone.
The call rang for a while before Alba answered. “Hey!” She sounded happy that Neve was calling but even through that, Neve could hear the apprehension in her voice. She hadn’t been as worried as Neve, but some part of her had known.
“Hi,” Neve said, immediately cursing the fact that she hadn’t tested her voice before calling. It sounded like she’d been crying. She had, but she’d wanted to keep that under wraps.
“Ah,” Alba said softly, the sound breaking Neve’s heart a little. “It didn’t go very well, huh?”
“No,” Neve said, her voice tiny, unable to stop the tears that started up again. Someone cared. Someone knew her well enough to know what happened without her telling them. She wasn’t as alone as she felt. “It didn’t go very well at all.”
“Where are you?”
“Sitting in my car.”
“Great. You’re safe. Where are you in your car?”
“My apartment. I haven’t driven anywhere.”
“Okay. I’m coming. I’ll be like…” She trailed off and there was noise in the background of the call but Neve couldn’t place it. All she wanted was Alba’s comforting voice back.
“You don’t need to do that.”
“No. I’m coming. Just give me twenty minutes. Sorry, that’s ages, but I’m coming.”
“You don’t have to keep showing up when I’m crying, you know?” Neve said, attempting something humorous and valiant.
“What kind of knight in shining armor would I be then?” Alba asked, managing a lightly comedic tone better than Neve could.
“I’m sorry for messing up your evening.”
“You’re not. I’ll be there soon.”