Chapter 15
JENSEN
I’m in a room full of people talking and planning, yet I don’t hear a single word. Caitlin runs my leg through a few tests, and her face shows her every thought.
But I don’t need her to confirm it. I already know that my ACL is good as gone. I recognize the sensations and pain, the feeling of absolute weakness in my knee, like it’s just there for decoration and not for use. The only thing I don’t know is if my meniscus is torn along with it.
I’m already barely hanging on as it is, but I don’t know what I’d be doing if it wasn’t for Lainey at my side, anchoring me to reality, her hand in mine.
Rolling my head, I look to her for the strength I’m lacking. Part of me feels pathetic that I can’t just get through this on my own, that I need her to help me. Maybe I’m so fucking weak that I shouldn’t even go through this process again at all.
Wouldn’t Lainey’s life be easier if I left her alone completely?
Taking a shaky breath, I force those dark thoughts away, knowing that I don’t really want to do that. It’s my mind working against me, like it always has, but I can’t let it take me under completely. I won’t.
In the moments where it seems too dark around me, I’ll look to the brightest light I know for strength until I’m strong enough to be my own savior again.
How can one incident bring me back to a place I thought was gone for good? Just like that, it’s like I’m sealed inside my mind again, trapped with my own demons.
Lainey’s looking at me like she somehow reads my thoughts, squeezing my hand tighter as each haunting one passes through.
Her lips part, and she says something, but I don’t hear a word. In fact, I don’t really hear anything, just noise filling the background as the world moves slowly around me.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to do this. I just want everything to go back to normal before it all happened. I just want …
I barely recognize the sound of my own voice as I whisper to Lainey, “I want to go home.”
She wets her lips with teary eyes and slowly nods. “Soon. We need to know the plan first, okay?”
Caitlin starts talking to her, and I tune everything back out, watching Lainey nod as she hangs on to every word, typing into the notes of her phone.
Someone walks into the room, carrying a bag of clothes and some belongings, which I quickly realize are mine. It’s the lounge set and sneakers that I keep in my cubby. My phone, keys, and wallet.
He hands them off to Caitlin, who hands me the clothes, setting the rest of the items on the desk.
“We’ll step out for a moment if you want to do your best to change without putting any weight on your knee. It’ll help, using one of these chairs.”
She pushes one over before disappearing out of the room, Lainey and some other staff member following her out.
Groaning, I slide off of the exam table onto my right leg. I start ripping my gear off of me before slipping on the other clothes.
“You’re good,” I call out loudly, and a moment later, everyone comes back in.
Time seems to move weirdly. I feel like it’s been hours since I was on the ice, but at the same time, I know that it’s been maybe fifteen minutes. It’s like I blink, and life is passing by, my brain in the passenger seat of my body with no idea who’s in control.
The next thing I know, I’m sitting up, my body carrying me through the motions as Caitlin helps me stand on my right leg, my left already wrapped with an ice pack secured around my knee. She fits me for a pair of crutches, adjusting their height until they’re perfect.
Everyone’s words go in one ear and out the other, and I just hope that my brain can hold onto them long enough for me to recall later. If not, I know that at least Lainey’s got me.
Caitlin has me crutch to the door to make sure they’re hitting me in the right spots, which they are.
It’s my own fucking fault I’m here in the first place. All because I was an idiot who was scared of this very thing happening.
“Fuck!” I scream, smacking my palm on the wall by the doorframe, my sadness morphing into a fresh wave of anger.
I’m so fucking pathetic. So fucking weak. I couldn’t even own up to what was happening because I was scared. Who cares? Grow up! Fuck! You were scared. Boohoo. Look what being a little bitch got you!
I wage a war with my mind, battling between pity and rage.
“You’ll have an MRI scheduled in the next day or so, so we can see what’s going on in there. I’ll give you a call in the morning with the date and time. Tonight, you need RICE. Rest. Ice. Compression. Elevation. Keep your knee above your heart whenever possible.”
I want to snap at her, to tell her that I’m well aware of post-tear protocols, but I just nod and avoid her gaze. “Thanks.”
“We’ll get you sorted out in no time, okay?” She pats my shoulder. “Lainey? A word.”
This snaps me out of my stupor, and I turn to Caitlin, meeting her gaze. “Before you think of yelling at her for intervening, you need to know that I told her to keep our past friendship quiet. It’s my fault she didn’t disclose it.”
Caitlin politely smiles. “Okay. Thank you. But I still need to have a word in private. Do you want to wait in here, Jensen, or in the chair in the hallway?”
Tensing my jaw, I’m annoyed that she feels the need to isolate me from the conversation.
I flash my gaze to Lain, and she nods quickly, assuring me she’s fine. But I still don’t like it. She’d better not get any reprimands for looking out for me.
I crutch out of the room, finding a seat in the hallway while my nerves start to eat me alive. This injury is already costing me so much. I don’t know what I’ll do if I know it’s hurting Lainey somehow too.
The door clicks shut, and I roll my eyes at the impressive soundproofing the room provides. I can’t pick up a single word.
Fast steps garner my attention, and I turn, seeing Coach Carrington walking down the hallway, concern in his pinched brows and flared nostrils.
“Hey, what’s going on?”
My lips part, but my response gets stuck in my throat, and I choke, coughing while my eyes burn again.
A look of despair crosses his face, and he knows without having to hear a single word. He knows of my past injuries and that my worst fear was going through this injury and the recovery again.
ACL tears are one of the most common injuries with professional athletes, unfortunately. There’s a chance that my knee will never be the same after this, that I won’t be the same athlete I was before tonight. And that’s fucking terrifying.
He sits in the empty chair to my right, his clasped hands hanging between his legs as he sighs. “I’m sorry, man.”
I rest my head back against the wall, and a tear rolls down my cheek. “How are the guys?”
He sighs. “Concerned. They’re fighting to win though. But don’t worry about the game right now. You focus on yourself and getting better.” His watch buzzes, and he quickly checks it. “I have to get back. But I’ll call you later and check in, okay?”
I nod as he rises to his feet, gives me a saddened smile, and heads back down the hallway.
The door handle jiggles behind me, and I sit up taller, remembering that Lainey’s inside with Caitlin. It swings open, and Lainey steps through.
The first thing I do is check her eyes, which aren’t any redder than when I stepped out. Good.
She smiles at me, and I can tell there’s something wrong, but I’ll wait until we’re alone to ask her about it.
Her hands lifts from her side and stretches out before me, and my heart skips a beat.
“Are you ready? I’m taking you home.”
“I should stay for the rest of the game.”
“No,” Caitlin yells from inside the room. “You should go rest and get it elevated.”
Lainey smiles softly, not enough to lift the haunting look in her eyes, but enough to tip the corners of her lips up. “Come on.”
“Is everything okay?” I ask, sitting up taller and leaning forward toward her.
She shakes her head at the same time that she says, “Yes. But that’s not important right now. Let’s just get you home.”
Her face is kind, but her words are tired, worn with exhaustion, and I hate the thought that I’m the reason. I’ll make it up to her, show her my appreciation for the effort she’s putting in right now.
She didn’t have to run to my side on the ice, she didn’t have to put her job at risk by exposing our relationship, but she did. I won’t forget that.
Which is the only reason I won’t fight her on that right now. Her job matters to her, so it certainly matters to me. But we’ll face that battle another day.
I slide my hand in hers, and she helps pull me to my feet.
I adjust my crutches under my arms. “Do you have my keys?”
She smirks, lifting her hand, and the keys jingle. “For your fancy car? Damn right I do.”
I chuckle, finding it fucking incredible that even at this moment, she can still make me laugh. “Oh God, we’d probably be better off with me driving still.”
We start walking toward the elevators, my crutches clicking on the tiles, and Lainey playfully shoves my shoulder, not putting any strength into her push.
“Shut up, you prick. I’m a great driver.”
I side-eye her, remembering all of the times she nearly crashed the car when Luca and I taught her how to drive. “We’ll see.”
She resists a smile, squinting her eyes at me. “Hmm. Do you need me to grab anything else before we leave?”
I shake my head, my face falling as we approach the elevator and Lainey presses the Up button. “No, I’ve got everything.”
“Okay,” she exhales, silence drifting between us as we wait for the lift to arrive.
Her phone rings, cutting through the quiet. She pulls it out and checks it, her eyes bouncing my way before she quickly declines it.
The elevator arrives, and her phone starts ringing again. She huffs out a breath, grabs it, declines the call, turns the sound off, and tucks it back in her pocket. But not before I could read the name on the caller ID—Cole.
“Do you want me to take care of that problem?” I offer genuinely.