Chapter 33
Colt
“Coat.”
Holly nods. “Check.”
“Scarf.”
“Check.”
“Gloves?”
She searches her pockets. “Uncheck.”
“Check,” Wilder says, handing them to her. She puts them on, wiggling her fingers, and he crouches down to kiss her cheeks. “Have fun, okay? Take lots of pictures.”
“You sure you’re not up to coming?” I ask him.
“Nah, I’m gonna head to Mom’s and be the good son. Can you drop Holly off after?” he asks, and I nod. “Have fun without me.”
Christmas lights in the city. A yearly tradition, one Holly loves. One Amy did, too. It’s always freezing, expensive, and tiring, but if we ever missed it, it wouldn’t feel like Christmas.
“Have fun freezing your ass off,” Wilder mumbles at me, and I give him the finger before putting on my own gloves.
I haven’t heard from Denver. I’ve called and texted, but she hasn’t responded. Finn told me she isn’t coming tonight, either. She leaves in a week, and I don’t know whether to go to her one last time. We can’t leave it like we did, but I also can’t force it.
It takes forever to get into the city, and the snow doesn’t make it any easier. But Holly is talking a mile a minute, so she keeps me entertained. I watch out the window as the snow twists and curls, the lights from the store windows reminding me that it really is almost Christmas.
Another year gone.
Holly’s hand is firmly in mine as we head toward Rockefeller Center.
I spot Finn and Helena in the crowd, and Helena hugs us both.
It’s the same as it is every year. Taf is more focused on his phone, grinning at the screen, only looking up when someone says his name.
Ronan spends most of the night trying to convince Finn to skate, even though we all know he’ll fall on his ass like he does every year.
Helena takes Holly onto the ice, both skating like they’ve spent their whole lives on the ice, and Finn watches them like his entire world is on the rink.
And later, among a crowd and twisting snowflakes, I lift Holly into my arms so she can see the tree better. Her eyes are lit up by the multicolored lights, her face filled with wonder, her cheeks pink.
“It’s pretty,” she breathes out.
I hold her to me. “It is.”
I’m so honored to have her. To love her. To have her in my life.
But every year, I think about Amy and how she loved this tradition.
I’d see Callie’s face in hers, the way she’d wrinkle her nose as she laughed, the wideness of her blue eyes as she’d admire the tree just like Holly is now.
I’d hold my girl in my arms, and Wilder would hold Holly, and even if things were tense between us as brothers, as fathers we understood this moment meant something, that these memories meant something to our girls.
I kiss Holly’s cheek. “I love you, baby.”
“Love you,” she whispers, still staring at the tree.
“Wanna skate again?”
Now she looks at me and nods enthusiastically.
She’s a natural. I’ve always told her, and it’s true. She loves being on the ice, and she giggles hysterically as we make our way around the rink hand in hand.
I keep an eye out for a flash of red hair. I listen for a laugh that gives me goose bumps. I hope against hope that Denver will show up.
But she doesn’t.
When we’re taking off our skates, I notice Finn staring at his phone, brow furrowed. I slip my shoes back on and Helena sits with Holly.
“What’s up?” I ask as I reach him.
He sighs and locks his phone. “Charlie just emailed me the invoice for Denver’s protective services. I said I’d pay.”
“An invoice? But she has another week.”
He shakes his head slowly. “She must have pulled her flight forward.”
The hurt is more than I expect. It feels like my chest shatters, and I run my hand across my mouth, the ache spreading into my heart.
This is it. I knew it would be, but I thought we had a little more time.
But to do what?
Go back and forth? Spend time together so it hurts even more when she inevitably leaves anyway? I’d be wading into more pain. I’ve been through enough.
We’ve both been through enough.
Denver Luxe tore into my life and has been so much more than the enemy she started out as. A stranger in an evening gown asking for chocolate. A murderess soaked to the bone as she shot a man twice. A wife broken by her husband’s actions. A mother grieving.
A woman I fell in love with.
But not my girlfriend. Not my wife. Not the mother of my children.
No matter how badly I want all that, no matter the agony it feels to realize I’ll never share that with her, it’s for the best.
It has to be for the best.
“Uncle Colt!” Holly runs up to me. “Can we get food?”
I smile brightly and nod. “Sure.”
We eat. We freeze. My phone remains silent, no calls or texts from Denver telling me she’s leaving. I tell myself I’m fine, it’s fine. Holly is already sleeping when I drop her off at my mom’s. As Wilder takes his daughter inside, my mom hugs me on the doorstep.
“You coming in?” she asks.
I shake my head. “Got the house to myself for once.”
She tuts. “I don’t like the idea of you being all alone. Come in and have a drink.”
If Antonia Harland had her way, I’d still be living at home. It’s tempting. Having the Harlands all under one roof again would be nice, even without my dad.
I think about what Finn told me. How his dad loved him the only way he knew how, even though sometimes he didn’t know what he was doing.
“Did Dad love us?” I ask.
My mother’s smile fades. “Honey, of course he did.”
“But he left,” I say. “Why didn’t he stay? Why didn’t stay and love us?” Pain echoes in her expression, in the dark blue of her eyes, and I finally say the words I’ve wanted to say for nearly two decades. “Did he find out who Finn was to me?”
Her lips part and her fingers hover by her mouth. “Colt—”
“I don’t blame you for keeping it from me. I don’t … I don’t understand it, but I don’t judge you for it.”
Her chin dimples as she holds back tears. “Your dad left because some men aren’t ready to prioritize anyone but themselves.” She cups my face, her eyes shining. “Did I do right by you? Did I love you enough for the both of us?”
I nod quickly and pull her into a hug. She feels so small, so delicate in my arms.
“You’re the best mom I could have ever wanted. You loved us more than enough.”
She holds me. “Finn loves you.”
“I know he does.”
As I drive away, I wonder why I even brought it up. I wonder if she’ll tell Finn I know, and how he’ll react. But maybe hiding the truth is pointless when we only have so much time.
The house is quiet when I get back. I dismiss my men. I close the curtains. I pour myself a drink, and I go to the mantle.
To the pictures of my girls. Callie and me on our wedding day. Amy and me on her first birthday. Amy and Holly at the fair. My mom and Callie hugging on the beach, both grinning wide. A lifetime lived, and so much lost.
I pick up a photograph of Callie that I took when we were twenty. She’s lying in the grass on her back, her smile wide.
“When are you going to ask me to marry you?”
“And ruin the surprise?”
“Is the surprise me dumping you because you keep chickening out? Ask me, Colt Harland, or I swear I’ll find someone else brave enough to marry a girl like me.”
I smile. I never thought it was possible to love anyone the way the movies made it out to be. Lightning bolts and wild sex and arguing over pointless shit. She was my movie love. My first love.
Impossible to forget.
When I lost her, I thought I’d never find that kind of love again, and I haven’t. It’s unique to her and always will be.
Just like I could never replicate my love for Denver.
All encompassing, ridiculous, senseless, intoxicating, beautiful.
A love that’s ours.
… What am I doing?
Why am I just standing here?
“Fuck.” I put my glass on the coffee table and go for the door. I tear it open to heavily falling snow, the fat flakes coating the cars, bitterly cold air pulling into my lungs as I break into a run.
I can’t believe I was just going to let it go. I can’t believe I was going to let Denver walk away without even trying.
My muscles burn as I push myself harder, my shoes slamming into the sidewalk as I run faster, and it’s only minutes before I reach Finn’s house. I run up the steps, my hand hovering by the door when it’s snatched open.
I heave in pained breaths as Denver stands before me, her cheeks pink, her coat and scarf already on. She blinks up at me, and I stare down at her.
She’s beautiful. Uncertain. As surprised to see me as I am her.
I don’t know what to say, so I say the only thing I can think of.
“I want to pretend,” I say, and her lips part, but she doesn’t speak. “That I’m not me, and you’re not you. That you’re not married, and I’m not hopelessly in love with you.” Her eyes search mine. “If I were just Colt, and you were just Denver DeLuca, would you choose me?”
“Yes,” she says quickly, her eyes shining.
“Would you love me?”
“Yes.”
I step closer, my chest rising and falling. “Then fuck everything else. Forget it all. I love you. And I don’t care if you stay, or if we both leave, but I’m not letting you walk out of my life.” Her lip trembles, and I cup her face. “You’re what my happiness looks like.”
A tear falls down her cheek. “You’re what my happiness looks like, too.”
I kiss her. I kiss her because she’s worth it, she’s always been worth it, and we’ll figure this out no matter what it takes. I wrap my arms around her waist and lift her, her lips moving slowly against mine, the kiss that will lead us into forever.
“Yay!” Helena cheers from the bottom of the stairs.
Denver pulls back from the kiss and grins. “We have an audience.”
I back out of the house and lean forward to grasp the door handle. “I’m just gonna close this.” Helena gives me an excited thumbs up, and as the door closes, Denver kisses me again.
“You beat me to it,” Denver says, wrapping her legs around my waist. “I was just on my way to you.”
I grin as I take the steps back down. “You were?”
She nods. “You ruined my grand gesture. Where are we going?”
My smile is impossibly wide as I say the word. “Home.”